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Newspaper
Washburn Times
Location
Washburn, Wisconsin, United States of America
Date
May 14, 1908
Page
3
A fragmented scrapbook of light anecdotes and quips. A rural buyer refuses a road horse after a gag about walking home. A governor’s grandson dodges doughnut etiquette. A cook’s petition blends with a child’s prayer.
A farmer sends his son to college to become a minister but the son becomes a horse trader. A neighbor advises not to worry, suggesting the son will lead more men to repentance as a boss trader than as a preacher.
A humor pair from a wartime or periodical page shows a sentry on guard who receives a pie from a friend and discovers the major in undress when asked to salute. The major identifies himself after an exchange, prompting the sentry to halt the pie and salute. The second item features a West Virginia rider chatting with a mountaineer driving pigs to pasture.
A collection of Carnegie aphorisms on wealth, happiness, education, and public duty. He argues wealth harms happiness, few millionaires laugh, education drives progress, and the poor can rise by learning to swim. He favors using wealth to educate and serve, not destroy, and values humble origins and practical craft over riches.
The speaker proclaims faith in true democracy and municipal ownership as certain. They insist fear is outdated and poverty drives effort, while bravery with adversity is essential. They reject philanthropy as money without brains and affirm wealth should be used wisely, trusting time to judge.
A crying boy reveals his father fell downstairs and may be injured. A Cleveland street car scene shows a girl with a large muff and a man attempting inappropriate contact. She rebukes him, claiming she could have him arrested and demands ten minutes to release his hand.
A man asks local boys what they are playing and learns the game is called Automobile with roles like driver horn and passengers. A nearby sad boy explains he is the smell, highlighting a humorous contrast between the cheerful scene and his own misfortune.
In a Philippine camp an officer boasts a monkey can mimic the manual of arms nearly as well as soldiers. The colonel hushes him, fearing the war department would promote the ape if publicized.
Poultney Bigelow, author and journalist, recalls Rash Rogers in a suburban train anecdote about a fifty dollar incubator and fifteen dollars of eggs that hatched a bluebottle fly, claiming to own the only sixty five dollar bluebottle fly in the world.
A little girl was asked to craft a sentence using the words bitter end and produced Our neighbor's dog chased my kitty, and as she ran under the porch he bit her end. Lippincott's provided the example, illustrating a humorous misplacement of the target phrase.
An audience at the lecture hears a sharp exchange as an old lady asks why wet tea leaves kill roaches. The scientist responds with a brisk joke about a roach seeking warmth and wrapping itself in the leaf, leading to its death.
A court case described a pretty juvenile girl with a tiara on a float as a victim of a hoarse voiced protester described as a maniacal laundress. The crowd was disrupted when a pestle was hurled and the assailant was restrained. The defendant claimed vaccine and desuctude caused an obsession leading to the act, and she was sent to an asylum.
An English sea captain, ashore in New York after long voyages, declines an uptown invitation seeking companionship. He explains his discomfort in social settings, noting he never carries passengers and maintains strict shipboard discipline, leaving him uneasy among families.
Neighbors dispute fence lines with schemes for amicable or legal action. Nocash and Slimpurse discuss a six inch overhang and payment to settle. Golden Bullion and Fatpurse plan to pursue a case demanding the fence be corrected, even to the supreme court.
In a murder trial, weak evidence leads the judge to direct the jury to find not guilty and halt the case. The defense counsel, Cantspout, seeks to address the court, while the judge immediately acquits for safety, per the London Chronicle.
Wisconsin Bayfield County probate notice announces that H. P. Axelberg as administrator will sell at public auction on May 19, 1908 at 10 a.m. at the Washburn court house front door. The property is Lots 6 7 and 8 in Block 58 in the Original Townsite now City of Washburn. Cash terms. Dated April 14 1908.
Reader notice on kidney function and signs of trouble. The piece endorses Dean's Kidney Pills by Margaret Sands of Washburn Wisconsin and cites Foster Milburn Co Buffalo New York as sole U S agents. It claims pills restore kidney health and strength at 50 cents.
County Judge W H Irish municipal judge A M Warden and city officers named include Sheriff A B Severson clerk N M Oscar register of deeds Nels Mybre clerk of circuit court F A Beil district attorney E C Alverd superintendent of schools Miss J Smith coroner 4H G Mertens surveyor Haogo Nelson mayor Geo Dibbell treasurer H P Axelberg assessor Nels Westerlund chief of police O Wescott.
Tired nerves and low vitality blamed on season change are said to improve with Dr Shoops Restorative. The product is advertised as a tonic for nerves digestion appetite and circulation, claiming to restore strength vigor and ambition and to be sold by all dealers.
In a letter from Willimatic Connecticut Alvin H Simpson credits Foley Kidney Cure with curing his acute kidney trouble after other remedies failed. He says four bottles completed his recovery and he is now entirely well. Q W Frost reports the account for the column.
It promises relief for itching bleeding protruding or blind piles with chronic cases soon relieved and finally cured. Druggists everywhere sell it.
The notice lists church activities for Rev Chr Christ Anson including Sunday services at 10 30 a m and 7 45 p m Sunday School at noon prayer meeting Thursday 8 p m and two ladies and helping hand society meetings on alternating Wednesdays All services are in Norwegian except Sunday evening which is in English on the third Sunday.
Wanted by Chicago wholesale and mail order house assistant manager for this county and adjoining territory. Salary $2 and expenses paid weekly. No investment or experience required. Work pleasant and permanent. Enclose self addressed envelope to Superintendent 132 Lake St Chicago IL.
Notice to customers stating Foley's Honey and Tar for coughs colds and lung troubles contains no opiates or harmful drugs and is safe for children and adults. endorsed by Q. W. Frost.
Fox Bros offer a refund on a 50 cent bottle of Green's warranted Syrup of Tar if it fails to cure a cough or cold and a 25 cent bottle to prove satisfactory or money refunded.
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