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Newspaper
Mitchell Capital
Location
Mitchell, South Dakota, United States of America
Date
Aug 29, 1902
Page
7
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A sequence of witty anecdotes from a 1920s style humor page. The items feature a dining table salesman and pingpong gag, a quarrel over suspected flirting, a maid accused of theft versus a cremation joke, and a father planning boarding school to spare his children from his smoking. The tone is light and satirical with named cities and newspapers as source flavor.
A Bowling Green Ohio customer, W Lenhart, reports a running itchy leg sore was relieved instantly by Doan’s Ointment and claims a permanent cure after suffering tortures.
A theatergoer on a tram car faced a practiced pickpocketing attempt. She kept her purse secure until a sudden pinprick forced release. another thief intervened and withdrew the purse in moments, escaping the crowd.
The mother warns Bobby she will report his misbehavior to his father after dinner. Bobby begs for mercy and asks for a better dinner to avoid punishment, hoping a kinder meal will ease the forthcoming scolding. The exchange reflects household discipline and parental authority as seen in the Pittsburg Dispatch excerpt.
A narrator and a young man debate how to judge a marriage by children in a witty exchange. A couple replies with adroit quips about all boy or all girl families, then a married couple with two daughters ends the chat. A joke about Jones Briggs and a widowed man follows joking about fireworks.
A Washington Star quip recounts a baseball umpire who earned a black eye after stepping beyond his duties to rule on a ping pong dispute. The remark frames the incident as a caution about overstepping boundaries in sports officiating.
A Cleveland Plain Dealer quote mocks heavy coal dust while promoting Burdock Blood Bitters as a cure for scrofula salt rheum erysipelas and other eruptive diseases noting its cleansing purifying powers. The excerpt contrasts rugged industry imagery with a patent medicine claim.
Charles Matthews loved to recount how at the old Queen's theater in London the curtain fell during A White Lie. The author stood on stage, smiling and shaking his fist at the unseen foe, shouting Infernal idiots and demanding respect for Charles Reade.
A historic advertisement extols Dr Fowler's Extract of Wild Strawberry as a universal remedy for all ages. It claims nature provides a specific for dysentery diarrhoea and summer complaint, presenting it as a trusted cure.
The London Globe notes that in early England there was little distinction between merchant ships and warships. During peace merchantmen armed for defense and in war traders could become warships, with Elizabeth I hiring ships for piracy to slave trading profits. Henry III fostered a naval system by hiring ships built for war, though practice ended after the Spanish Armada repulse when fighting ships became distinct from traders.
A doctor prescribes a powder for insomnia but instructs to give it to a cat in milk, not the patient. The cure relies on calming the cat with the remedy, resolving the noise issue the patient fears.
A man proposed to a young woman on a Sunday evening as he walked home from church. She agreed only if her father consented, but he had been dead for several years, leaving the couple in a complex predicament.
A dialog in the Richmond Dispatch notes an excursion ticket marked ten days validity. The husband questions the restriction while the wife argues it is a strong guarantee, framing it as a better deal than her husband can offer.
The narration praises Browne for extreme economy by making tools himself, noting he would straighten a corkscrew to fashion an awl when none is available. The remark contrasts Browne with rivals and highlights his practical ingenuity in frugal living.
A Philadelphia Press quip notes a parent puzzled by a baby's talk calling it a queer language and admitting it sounds like early English. The humorous exchange reflects light domestic humor from the era.
A Chicago Test passage notes a man aged fifty who walked 12000 miles and consumed nine and a half tons of meat fish and eggs plus 7000 gallons of fluids. The remark questions motive behind encouragement amid sparse companionship.
Promotes Dr Thomas Eclectric Oil as a household remedy for bodily pain. Claims instant relief for burns cuts sprains and accidents.
A short discussion explains how folk etymology alters words such as carryall from carride a French diminutive for car. It notes the habit of linking unfamiliar terms to similar sounding known words and mentions sparrow grass derived from asparagus with Walker noting its common use and pedantry.
A Methodist minister in a city church corridor invites a soaked Celt to come inside after a rainy Sunday, but the Celt refuses, recalling Jesus’ willingness to mingle with enemies, and the exchange highlights charity versus pride in a small, old city tale.
Bennettsville South Carolina editor A. Brown reports his wife suffered from dyspepsia and low energy. After four bottles of Electric Bitters she recovered fully gaining strength and appetite. The tonic is sold for 50 cents at S. H. Scallin's and described as a guaranteed cure for indigestion and liver troubles.
The excerpt argues that without displays there would be less vanity and more agreeable company, reflecting Dickensian emphasis on social manners and restraint in public behavior. It frames display as a hindrance to genuine sociability and harmony.
A humorous exchange in Chicago News where young Jones complains to his tailor about sealed announcement cards. He fears his landlady will misread them as bills and hurt his credit.
The piece contrasts two classes of donkeys in Mexico, four and two footed, noting Hach as a competitor to the other. Donkeys and their drivers bear heavy loads of ore, dirt, milk, water, and more, often in pairs or bands. It describes a medieval life in central and southern Mexico.
In Sadieville Kentucky Mrs S P Whitaker long suffered chronic bronchial trouble. Her husband credits Dr King’s New Discovery with curing her illness and also curing their granddaughter of a severe whooping cough. It promises to cure coughs colds la grippe bronchitis and throat and lung troubles. Bottles 50 cents and one dollar. Free trial bottles at Scallin's drug store.
In a facetious exchange from Tit-Bits a daughter reveals an invitation to the theater and a mother insists on a chaperon, debating whether the name Mr Slimpurse or Mr Fatpurse matters. The scene centers on social etiquette and humorous misnaming.
The Philadelphia Press notes a brief exchange between Towne and Browne highlighting a pointed lack of purpose in their dialogue. Towne suggests the humor lies in having no point while Browne downplays any significance to the conversation.
Mrs Curtis Baker of Bookwalter Ohio recalls a neighbor infant saved from cholera infantum after using Chamberlains Colic Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy. She reports full recovery in two days and ongoing health nearly a year later and says she always recommends it. Sold by L O Gale druggist.
The article traces the evolution of stove from early English meaning a house warmed by a heater to a now obsolete sense used by Bacon Woodward and Pepys. It notes Franklin's era as turning point and compares French etuve describing a hothouse or bathing room.
An old ad promotes Chamberlain's stomach and Liver Tablets as easier to take and more pleasant in effect. It claims they cleanse the stomach and regulate the liver and bowels and are sold by L O Gale.
Mrs Gadsby recounts a man who has not spoken to his wife in three years. Gadsby notes it shows rigid politeness and the wife retorts on the rule of never interrupting a lady.
In systematic zoology, musk ox placement sits between sheep and ox, prompting a new genus name ovilions. Writers note its resemblance to buffalo or bison and its affinity to this species.
A humorous exchange about a neighbor amateur cornet player and a dog that howls at music. An unrelated note offers baby medicine from one package yielding two quarts and Rocky Mountain Tea priced at 35 cents.
A London hotel guest signs in as A. Balfour Minister and is treated as the future premier. He is amused by the mix up, tips generously to staff, and becomes the focus of humorous headlines about Arthur J. Balfour. In a separate note, Clara Morris recalls Camellia’s absence on stage and replaces it with celery as a comic prop.
The narrator recalls a prank where an actor is tricked into kissing celery on stage while the Chicago News notes the probable culprit as Stuart Robson, though the name is not disclosed. The moment lingers as the actor associates the vegetable with the incident.
Local tales recount Mrs Henderson as head of the boarding house in Gramercy Park with Bridget declaring Mr Henderson absent. Also shared is the legend of the Original Gray Jackass, linking a Waterloo era inn sign swap to a rival that kept the witty misnaming alive.
A historical parliamentary anecdote recalls Pitt’s excess liquor intake while on the treasury bench. An anxious table clerk suffered a headache watching him as Pitt quipped, I have the fine and he has the headache.
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