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This newspaper page contains 26 articles. Subscribers can read the full text of each article.
Newspaper
Bristol Phoenix
Location
Bristol, Rhode Island, United States of America
Date
Dec 13, 1907
Page
4
In a London Tit-Bits tale, Maginnis, bedridden and irritable, rouses the household humorously when the doctor asks about the patient. Mrs Maginnis replies with a wry tease that the sick man appears dead yet betrays no action, noting he did not throw anything at her, a sign he shows no life.
Denver Post quotes Little Willie in Pennsylvania musing that the only time he is actually good is when he is not well. The joke plays on the common distinction between well as an adverb and good as an adjective.
A wry reflection notes that a family’s inability to live on ten thousand dollars a year often stems from the situation of another family that refuses to live on less. The quote, attributed to Puck, frames social critique in witty terms.
An old advertisement argues rheumatism spreads and cripples grow, claiming Urin-O cures by cleansing blood and muscles. It urges readers to request a free 75 cent bottle via Smith Drug Co in Syracuse, listing Aristelbs Ho Young & Co as sellers.
An amusing historical note cites an Earl of Leicester letter to Lord Burleigh about insufficient strong ale for Queen Elizabeth at Hatfield. It mentions royal breakfasts of ale and bread, with references to two gallons of ale for maids of honor in Henry VIII’s era and a Lady Lacey’s breakfast involving a gallon of ale, beef, bread, and other items.
A western millionaire asked a New York mercantile head to place his son where he could learn “things from the bottom up” because he “is no good at home.” The reply states the hopeful has arrived and will earn $6 weekly alongside peers. One youth owns a $30,000 yacht and another uses a $9,000 motor car.
A dialogue between Mr Lawhead and Miss Brushley reveals a tense formal confrontation. Lawhead asks why he was treated coldly and why he did not answer a note from last Thursday. Brushley refuses further discussion, insisting she wants no further communication.
A short dialogue shows Pa and Little Harry-Pa debating a foregone conclusion. Pa defines it as something sure to follow, then jokingly fears a family member will break into a desk drawer to learn what is being concealed. It reads as a light Victorian era conversational vignette with Cleveland Leuder as a playful in-joke.
A fragmented dialogue presents a quirky exchange where a beautiful girl and a poet spar over late hours and risky behavior. The poet jokes about hanging his hat on the barknob to avoid being trapped by a landlady while burning gas, in a witty, offbeat courtroom style.
A clipped, fragmentary quotation highlights a dialogue about sending a boy to a boarding school and the nature of questions. It pivots on a shoe maker’s fate and the idea that truth is bent by error, attributed to Tupper.
A Washington Star anecdote recounts a clubman boasting about an oculist. He mislaid prescription eye drops yet kept a second appointment. The doctor praised the drops as wonderful and prompt, prompting the teller to wonder how the doctor would take the joke.
In Tudor times the comet was viewed as a royal omen but Queen Elizabeth, amid court superstition, refused fear. Attendants once shut her windows yet she ordered them opened and declared steadfast hope in providence, rebuking the notion that heavenly signs portend princes’ misfortunes.
A Taotai accused of graft forces two gold ingots to be sent to his treasury at half price. Shopmen reveal the double-dealing, asking if the honor paid was truly half price. The magistrate claims justice, claiming he kept one ingot and returned one, then threatens punishment for insolence.
A discussion notes how color symbolism and clothing mirror cultural mood across nations. It cites mourning colors differ, royal hues like purple and yellow’s prestige, and lists historical color favorites from Cleopatra to Josephine, ending with Eu gene Field’s bold red preference.
Thousands suffer kidney and bladder troubles and need quick relief. DeWitt's Kidney and Bladder Pills offer a week’s treatment for 250 and are sold by W. H. Buffington. Kennedy's Laxative Cough Syrup promises a free gentle bowel action to expel the cold, soothes throat and lungs, is pleasant, and contains no opiates.
A historical note recalls Justice Ball and a robbery case in which a widow’s daughter testifies that the prisoner broke her mother’s wooden chest. The judge questions if murder would apply, while the crown counsel explains the chest was wooden. The tale underscores confusing impressions of real versus feigned ignorance.
The southern clergyman and educator Dr Ryland, beloved by former pupils and parishioners, often prayed on ministerial calls. During a visit to a house where three women over thirty stayed, he blessed them as “budding into sweet womanhood.” One guest, deaf to the joke, whispered a quip about buds blooming and remaining unpicked.
A drummer recalls a village store scene where a farmer buys tobacco, soap, ribbon, suspenders for 95 cents and quips about a discount. The farmer spots a 5 cent pocket comb and insists on its inclusion to square the deal, exposing a shop’s discount policy.
The early eighteenth century Prussia was a poor kingdom under Frederick William I. Hard and stingy, he kept harsh military discipline and never gave presents. His reputation spread as a byword for unprofitable work.
The article recalls Emperor Maximilian, shot by Mexican forces on June 19, 1867, and his final wish for La Paloma to be played as he faced execution. His death left his wife grieving and driven to madness by the shock of the event.
A dialogue notes Papa’s bravery and Elschen’s doubt. Mother asserts his bravery, while Elschen asks why he would be brave. She attributes the concern to fear of her governess pulling his ear.
A remark attributed to Lincoln about a very talkative man shows his cutting wit. He allegedly said the person can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man he ever met.
The exchange notes that men forget their gentlemanly behavior while women forget their ladyly restraint, a witty remark about social norms and memory.
A Chicago News quip features a widow asking a bachelor if he favors early marriage. He answers yes but explains the distinction, remarking that he believes only in early marriages since youth has fleeting follies as an excuse.
When stomach discomfort appears with headaches nervousness bad breath and belching take Kodol after meals until relief. It is a scientific digestant with vegetable acids and natural stomach forces and is guaranteed to give relief. Sold by W. H. Buffington.
The State Returning Board counts votes from the November 1907 election. It lists Governor winners James H Higgins, Lt Governor Ralph C Watrous, Secretary of State Charles P Bennett, Attorney General William B Greenough, and General Treasurer Walter A Read, with a full slate of Senators and Representatives elected to the General Assembly.
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