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Newspaper
Marshfield Times
Location
Marshfield, Wisconsin, United States of America
Date
May 29, 1912
Page
9
A collage of quips and sidelights from the Indianapolis News includes jokes on gender roles, politics, and everyday chatter. It presents brief urban wit and social observations, including a Swiss note about war currency, a domestic vignette, and playful banter about future plans and aging.
A veteran recalls Civil War era battles and losses to a grandson on the eve of Memorial Day. He explains why the nation ended up one country, cites Union casualties around 360,000 and 2,500,000 northern troops, and notes long cemeteries and debt from war. The scene ends with a sleepy boy and a salute to the flag.
In a late address to the Grand Army of the Republic, President McKinley spoke of an ever narrowing circle of comrades who die and are crossed off by grim death. He recalled roll calls, veterans counted for but absent, joining the great majority beneath a green tent with unseen curtains.
Irven Hutchison of Three Rivers Michigan recalls years of dry eczema on wrist and shin. He tried physician treatments before Cuticura Soap Ointment and Pills healed the condition and kept it away for four years. He praises the products for toilet use and urges others with skin diseases to try them. Free samples and a 32 page book are offered by Cuticura Dept 1 Boston.
At Kingston and Shames police court a general servant faced theft charges from her Surbiton mistress on Southborough road. A pearl pin and a pearl and diamond ring were missed, rewards offered, then police investigations led to jewelry found in a flower-bed and the prisoner's bedroom.
A humorous dialogue features a popular author and his wife. A man seeks to write the author’s life by asking notes, prompting Abe to ask about possible murder but the reply clarifies it is a biography request. The exchange ends with a quip about long engagements.
An old ad promotes Allen's Foot-Ease powder to soothe tired tender and aching feet. It promises easy feet and lighter weight feeling, with a free trial offer addressed to Olmsted, Le Roy, New York, while mixing in generic quotes about faults and fire.
A mother should monitor a child’s bowel habits as health hinges on regularity. At signs of constipation give Dr Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin at bedtime, repeat if needed, to restore appetite, sleep, and spirits. Available in 50c and $1 bottles from druggists. sample request offered via Dr W B Caldwell, 201 Washington St, Monticello, IA.
"O Clara we had a dreadful scare this morning a burglar scare" says Mrs Fink. A frightful noise at two o clock woke them and Mrs Fink saw two men's legs under the bed. It was her husband who had heard the noise. The tale appears in Youth's Companion.
A satirical passage mocks Jones parenting and social enmity, noting a child’s perceived talent and the cost of lessons. It shifts to product pitches claiming Mia Winslow’s teething syrup relieves pain and inflammation in children, priced at 350 bottles. The text closes with a quip about aging and a remark on debt collection.
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