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Newspaper
Choteau Acantha
Location
Choteau, Montana, United States of America
Date
May 04, 1905
Page
2
A column notes various satirical items and quips from early 20th century journalism. It jokes about landlord tenant relations and hints at social debates such as consent laws. It also pokes fun at political cabinet quality and literary remarks by Haggard and Rider Haggard.
The item highlights a dubious blend of illicit alcohol, a grim reaper figure, and apple cider in a business scheme. It compares prices and a Panama canal project to show inflated costs. It notes J. P. Morgan paid for an MS and hints he may want manuscripts. Celestial pairings of Jupiter and Venus appear, with no clear sign of Juno's jealousy.
A renowned distiller offers $50 for the best brand name for an upcoming rye whisky launch. The playful slogan I Snockem out appears as a lighthearted teaser with no charge for participation.
A man reports leaving home with no friends nearby and being assaulted by three men who rob him of ten dollars. Police investigate the daytime incident, seeking suspects.
A newer, larger steamship has reached New York, marking the latest in a season of three arrivals. The spectacle has waned, with the ships no longer drawing the crowd they once did.
Alfred G. Vanderbilt suffers from inflammatory rheumatism and would sacrifice a million or two to end the ailment altogether. The remark frames his desire for a complete cure and relief from longtime pain.
Judge Fitzgerald of the New York supreme court hears divorce petitions at four per hour. Ministers, by contrast, seldom match that pace in performing marriages.
Japanese teachers of jiu jitsu identify several Americans who excel in a system of self defense with no special name, yet effectively fulfills its purpose.
A Lisbon Ohio man sought a divorce after his wife called him a monkey. He lost the case, with the jury apparently agreeing the wife’s remark had merit.
A noted opinion ridicules the sultan for ordering thirty gunboats while mocking his habit of making promises he never intends to keep to escape trouble.
The piece notes two million dollars’ worth of gold is consumed annually for dental fillings in the United States and jokes that the amount would deter any attempt by Britain to annex the country.
Mr Hyde notes dinner etiquette but hosts wearing a purple coat and bottle green trousers may offend guests at such functions. The remark frames attire as a social boundary during formal gatherings.
Elihu Root declines the Panama Canal project offer of $100 000 annually. The remark notes it is odd that opponents of the project are the ones given lucrative posts.
A Brooklyn fire marshal faces suspension after an alleged romantic encounter with a young woman at a fire station. The report notes the city’s social norms favor flirtation in church or on the walk home from services.
A self-made young businessman, John Lawrence, aims for a secure future with his fiancée Helen Morton. A sudden lunch for his mother unravels his polished image as Mrs. Lawrence vividly recounts the boy’s poverty-stricken childhood and sacrifices, challenging his boastful career narrative.
A young man's reluctance to bring his mother to a city visit leads a woman to wonder if she misread his affection. The mother reflects on years past, recalling a scene of care and the son’s reluctance to share his family life.
Dr John M Dodson of Rush Medical College warned the Chicago Medical Society that animals carry parasites and diseases. He cited trichina in hogs at 2 percent and said cooking may not destroy it. He urged caution with dogs licking hands and stressed mosquito control to prevent malaria and yellow fever.
A wartime anecdote from Gov. Heyward in the Times recounts Bishop Capers visiting a plantation. A black servant humorously explains life’s aging arc by noting ascent to fifty marks the up slope and descent depends on the pace of the ascent. The tale reflects racial stereotypes of the era.
A juvenile verse invites children to dream of Laugh-Away Land guided by the sandman. The rhyme depicts a tinkling cart filled with silver sand, rosy orchards, fairies, rabbits, a circus band, and candy shops, urging kids to sleep before his arrival for a carefree journey. The piece closes with a note that adults recall nostalgia for childhood journeys in later years.
A San Francisco Argonaut discussion notes one million acres of California desert from Mojave to the Colorado river opened June 15 1903. It warns Eastern settlers to avoid the land citing alkali, hostile weather, lack of water, and skeletal remains of prospectors.
Siam plans a loan of $16,000,000 after abolishing gambling dens that previously yielded about $1,600,000 annually. The British financial adviser seeks guidance from London and Paris on funding options as the kingdom faces a new fiscal shortfall.
The Rev. Dr. C. M. Lamson, once president of the board of foreign missions, recalled a tale from his early ministry. While undergoing examination before a council a question asked if he believed in a hell. A neighboring clergyman nudged him to answer yes, warning that belief would likely come within six months.
A doctor warns that wearing a heavy wrap around the neck to keep warm outside causes neck skin to perspire and then chills indoors. He notes the cold air hitting damp skin when entering a much cooler room can trigger a cold indoors.
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