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Newspaper
Van Buren News Eagle
Location
Van Buren, Indiana, United States of America
Date
Sep 06, 1912
Page
6
The column riffs on economics and humor across a range of assorted snippets from ice costs to politics and society. It satirizes reforms, romances, and public life with wry observations about culture and human folly.
A whimsical note suggests a hammock meant for an able bodied man seems to broaden when a pretty girl appears, prompting speculation about teased physics of balance and attraction.
A restaurant orchestra slips from rag time into a somber dirge causing waiters to struggle with damp eyes and keep mood from spoiling bouillon. The note suggests arranging a remedy to prevent tears during meals.
Researchers in Baltimore propose a careful study of the mental condition called the blues. They suggest towns with tail-end baseball teams will provide ample subjects for the inquiry.
The only person who does not pay according to what he receives is a bald-headed man charged the same price for a haircut as any male relative of the seven Sutherland sisters. The line hints at a humorous pricing comparison tied to the famous siblings.
Southern Illinois reports a shortage of spring chickens while observers note that peach crop disaster stories from Michigan are dismissed as inconsequential, though this potential shortage could have wide implications.
The passage notes concerns that lobsters may become extinct, prompting speculation that future generations might only know them as a human-made type. It hints at informed voices warning of decline and the need for awareness.
A Chicago newspaper teases Cyril with the claim well dressed men abound whose minds are blank. The tongue in cheek remark suggests fashion over thought in a light city column style.
A castle housing the Belgian royal family and royal guests was struck by lightning six times without injuries. The incident prompts scientists to study whether royalty has any insulating power that could benefit modern science.
The article notes fears that cars would reduce demand for horses but instead New York state has officially addressed a real scarcity of steeds. The text assures there is still work for horses to do despite the auto era.
A Philadelphia woman aged seventy four defies Oslerian theory by preparing to wed and by planning a European trip to celebrate, illustrating that youth is not solely defined by years.
The article notes Philadelphia women’s vanity leading to mirrors removed from city elevators and suggests frosted plate glass windows for shop displays as a potential consequence. The piece lampoons local habits while warning of broader commercial impact.
Chicago August 31 three women were fatally injured and about 30 hurt when an Illinois Central east bound Addison suburban express struck a La Grange trolley at Parkway, overturning the car and burying passengers under seats. The injured were rushed to Illinois Central hospital and a special medical train operated to aid victims.
A Federal grand jury in the northern district of Texas indicts prominent Standard Oil officers and other oil men for conspiring to break up the Pierce-Fordyce associations and forming a monopoly under the Sherman anti trust laws. Defendants include Standard Oil and Magnolia Petroleum Company and individuals John D. Archbold Henry C Folger Jr John Sealey and W C Teagle.
London mourners from all classes gathered as Gen. William Booth was buried beside his wife Catherine in Abney Park cemetery. Representatives from royal houses and presidents of republics, including the United States, attended along with thousands the Salvation Army founder sought to uplift.
In Columbus on August 31 a woman claiming to be Carolyn Beers of Greenville Ohio, believed insane, was arrested after attempting to enter an elevator with President Taft.
The St. Louis Iron Mountain and Southern Railway filed the largest mortgage on record in Cairo Illinois. The $200000000 loan was presented to County Recorder Alfred Brown on Thursday.
An uprising in Changsha Hunan province on Tuesday left 700 dead as soldiers seized government offices and the treasury. Governor Tan Yeng Kali escaped the city.
The U S transport Liscom sank beside the Shanghai wharf in forty feet of water on Tuesday. The cause of the accident was not ascertained.
President Taft from his private car in Rochester telegraphed rescinding the earlier 12 hour order for the immediate dispatch of the Tenth Infantry from Panama to Nicaragua. He said 2000 US troops would be on Nicaraguan soil by next Tuesday to protect American lives and property.
Col C C Wilson sixty seven former president of United Wireless died in the U S penitentiary where he was serving a three year term for using the mails to defraud Uraemic poisoning listed as the cause He collapsed while reading in the prison library
Thirteen firefighters were rescued in Los Angeles after being trapped by fire in Devil's Canyon since the previous Sunday. They were released Thursday in a peaceful condition after days without food or water.
Wayneburg Pa Aug 31 Aviator Joseph Stevenson of Pittsburg fell Thursday in a biplane at fair grounds and was badly injured. Six thousand saw Stevenson's plunge of over 100 feet when his engine went dead.
Milwaukee August 30 The American Bar association convention centered on recall and trusts with a clash over progressive ideas and a plan to require applicants to disclose race for membership. Senator Sutherland attacked recall and other progressive notions while Kellogg spoke on the trust issue. Critics targeted Taft justice salaries and proposed legal procedure reforms including dictagraph, third-degree inquisition, and witnesses' detention. The body approved a proposal to end recognition of common law marriages and a report on simplifying rules. The association also adopted a resolution demanding race disclosure in membership applications.
Detroit reports incomplete returns but Amos Musselman of Grand Rapids secures the Republican nomination over Fred C. Martindale. Martindale carried Detroit by about three to one while the lower peninsula added nearly ten thousand for Musselman. Musselman's win reflects Prohibition gains as backers of the saloon opposed Martindale. Nine graft-prone aldermen were renominated, including Tom Glinnan, with Prosecutor Shepard winning by a large margin.
A force of forty volunteers arrived in Cananea Sonora after bringing fifty horses twenty five mules full of provisions and munitions and five hundred dollars. They report defeating Orozco insurrectors in a Thursday engagement.
About two hundred survivors of the Ninety fourth Illinois Volunteer Infantry met in Bloomington on August 31 for their annual reunion. The late John McNulta of Chicago was noted as colonel.
Washington August 28 The second session of the Sixty second congress closes with the senate striking out 600000 in state claims from the deficiency bill and President Taft heading to Beverly Mass for vacation. Charges of bribery against Senators Chilton and Watson of West Virginia are sent to the privileges and elections committee after a lengthy debate.
In Dobbinsville near Newcastle Delaware on Tuesday residents faced a terrorized night after members of the Eighty first coast artillery fired into the town no injuries were reported. In Kansas the Republican council blocked removing Roosevelt electors from the party column on the ballot and keeping standout electors instead. In Douai France Lieut Louis Felix M Chandentier of the aviation corps was burned to death while flying en route to Chalons.
William Loeb Jr., former secretary to Theodore Roosevelt, publicly defends the ex-president amid a dispute over 1904 campaign contributions from Standard Oil and Harriman. Loeb asserts he, not Roosevelt, was the secretary who received assurances that Standard Oil did not contribute. He also claims Harriman pressed for cash to aid the New York state ticket at a White House meeting.
Presiding Judge Willis fixed October 21 in Los Angeles for the second trial of Clarence S. Darrow the Chicago labor attorney indicted for allegedly bribing juror Robert Kain in the McNamara dynamite case. Darrow had previously been acquitted of bribing Talesman Lockwood after a three month hearing.
Washington on August 31 reports the state department issued demands to the Panama government to control its police and end the brutality faced by Americans.
An earthquake believed by residents to have hit Calumet Michigan on Thursday was felt across the Calumet district. The tremor lasted several seconds and shook many buildings, with reports of the ground trembling and objects rattling.
A playful exchange between Ned and Dan Kelly quoted in the Sydney Bulletin. Ned frets over forgotten lines while Dan coolly suggests escaping to the bush by shooting a policeman.
In a droll exchange a voice asks about party platforms while another dismisses studying them. A character retorts that the idea of voting intelligently is outdated, citing a grandfather who already learned the lesson years ago.
Uncle Eben criticizes lawyer Jones and praises Smith for holding multiple local posts. The excerpt suggests Smith has the confidence of prominent figures and relies little on law to earn a living, highlighting community perceptions of legitimacy and trust.
Domestic Combat EE Trowbridge Dana, grandson of Longfellow, recently wed in Cambridge. He told reporters that couples who invest in marriage with deep thought would see fewer mismatings. His anecdote compares average couples to the Linkses and ends with a child’s question about weapons and mothers.
During his Atlantic City honeymoon Davis quips at a fish luncheon about modern fiction, saying it tastes bad and echoes a double entendre. A Washington Star quote describes a drunken morning scene with a bloodshot guest asking Adele if he reached home under the weather.
A South Dakota woman endures thirteen years of coffee misery and nervous illness. She quits coffee for Postum and within two weeks notes clearer reading, steady nerves, better sleep, and improved health. She cites a neighbor who switches to Postum after her example. The Postum Co. promotes the testimonial as genuine human interest.
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