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Newspaper
Troy Herald
Location
Troy, Missouri, United States of America
Date
Sep 06, 1876
Page
3
In a detailed critique of 1872 politics, the speaker denounces President Grant for manipulating civil service reform to preserve patronage. The piece narrates numerous alleged abuses, including suspending reform rules, appointing political allies, and rewarding corruption, with anecdotes about officials and patronage cases across multiple states.
The passage jokes about calming advice on health and life during heat and hurry. It imagines two men approaching a pasture fence with urgency as they move toward a goal, questioning who will stop to check their pulse or heed ancient laws. The tone is sardonic and mock-serious.
A Chicago sewing machine agent traveling toward Easton on a Pennsylvanie line attempted to don a clean shirt inside a dark Quakerstown tunnel. A prank suggestion led him to struggle with the shirt exposing his head, shocking passengers before he escaped to the next car.
A passenger from Washington to New York sat opposite a young Indy woman with a bright eyed baby girl described as a miniature image of her mother. An elderly man admired the child and cheekily asked for a kiss, prompting the infant to answer with a cheeky query about kissing him back.
A Chattanooga farmer recalls a stranger urging war misdeed claims and presenting a counterfeit $50 bill as restitution. The man handed $40 in small change and departed after a warm farewell. the farmer, tearful, loaded his shotgun once realizing the bill was fake.
In Corktown a young woman, tied to a wealthy father, has engaged five times since New Year. She tests fiancés by claiming mortgage trouble, prompting promises of money which are never fulfilled, ending each engagement. The tale ends with a cautionary note on men and deception.
A garbled excerpt notes Moorish phrases and an old school fear of aging, then asks about progress and national identity. It mentions a school, a girl, a father, and a library as context, raising questions on learning and societal change.
A sailor passing a graveyard spots a tombstone inscribed I atill ive. Jack, amused beyond measure, shouts a crude quip about caves where a man may die. The crude pun and crude reaction show a stark moment of morbid wit in a roadside graveyard scene.
A fragmentary note reports three men discussing their future in food preparation. They mention watermelon and rice in a casual, backward-looking manner and suggest they can continue with simple arrangements in the vegetable line without further tools.
A reflective line notes the inevitable regret when discarding familiar items, however modest a burden they may be. The speaker adds a curious aside about a dog in a strange apple or chard, introducing a surreal image amid the musing.
A man in Philadelphia was arrested for stealing a clock. The judge noted he had taken another man’s time and sentenced him to three months in prison for the offense.
The New York Commercial Advertiser notes a veteran from 1861 contemplating fifteen years of conflict. He recalls a road littered with the dead and fears his company will never grow, but will permanently diminish.
Days pass and the thermometer climbs then drops as the industrious weevil, the wide awake church bug, and the heroic army worm persevere unseen. The farmer muses that churches and ministers hold absurd prejudice against profanity while nature continues its work.
A bystander asks a man about prices for questionable chickens. The vendor replies that he sells them for profit and “prophete.” The bystander thanks him as the exchange ends with a remark about taking them to the patriarchy.
A patient man faces a sharp shock when he tries to shave in a rush Sunday morning only to find his wife had opened a can of peaches with his razor the previous night. The incident highlights quick domestic misadventure and surprising household mishaps.
A fragment discusses how a man’s eyes open to the world when he loves, but notes this is not always true. Often it happens when he is away from home and his mail arrives, with a shirt or stocking described by red stripes at the top meant to be worn near the neck.
In Chicago Raisin a man broke a Windsor chair during a dispute with his wife. He was jailed and, speaking to the chaplain, expressed penitence for letting anger control him. He regretted harming the heirloom chair and blamed his temper for the act.
A well known young solicitor obtained a divorce for a pretty and wealthy client. He sent in bill for a thousand dollars. The next day the lady confronted him asking if he was serious in proposing marriage. The astonished lawyer replied that she had asked for his fortune, and she should take him with it. The lady calmly retorted with a sharp reply, revealing the odd sequence in the affair.
A New Jersey tailor unveils a 975 suit for a circus astronaut and lands with the bill just in time to witness balloons inflating his new clothes 2600 feet above a crowd. An altercation follows as bystanders recall only heated words and a rare verbal clash.
A Texas family tale notes a branch of relatives hanged for borrowing horses. The riddle asks why the Fall campaign opens with bustle, while England experiments show wagons draw best when front and rear wheels match size and the pole sits below the axle.
A mother and her child engage in a playful yet pointed dialogue about attendance and trust as the youngster ponders the meaning of going to Sunday school. The scene captures a domestic moment with a hint of moral instruction.
In Cologne a piper’s booth displayed a bearded lady with a girl at the entrance collecting money. A visitor joked to the child about the bearded woman, asking if she was the mamma. The child replied that the bearded woman is her papa, defusing the quip with a sharp retort.
The excerpt humorously portrays rural life with a cupboard high in the wall storing a razor, shaving mug, church certificate, and a teapot of salt foun. The farmer retrieves the teapot by its neck, drinks from the spout, wipes his lips, and heads to bed with a candle. A toast of apple whiskey lingers in the air.
A woman attempted a four-in-hand driving display at Newport. She controlled the horses around bushes and an aquarium, maneuvered around herself, and eventually balanced three horses atop one while the vehicle stood on end, all in one minute and fourteen seconds before the clock stopped as she handled the wreck.
A group of Boston merchants and their wives summering at a nearby hotel staged private theatricals. The Sleeping Beauty was planned with improvised shawl curtains, followed by a farce This Motel is Sold. A guest reportedly left with companions to gamble, while the others waited an hour and twenty minutes for a large card dropped into a railyard with a cryptic message.
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