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Newspaper
New Harmony Register
Location
New Harmony, Indiana, United States of America
Date
Oct 07, 1871
Page
1
Medical patent medicine in vintage style claims to treat liver complaints jaundice bilious affections sick or nervous headache and costiveness. It emphasizes pure vegetable content with no mercury minerals or deleterious drugs.
An advertisement extols Helmbold s Compound Fluid Extract Catawba Grape Pills as a pleasant purgative superior to castor oil and salts. It claims rapid energizing effects with no nausea or griping and notes the pills are not sugar coated, taste pleasant, and prepared by proper pharmacy methods, not patent medicine.
Advertisement extols Hoofland's German Bitters Hoofland's German Tonic and Greek Oil as superior patent remedies. It claims extracts from German roots provide rich medicinal virtue without alcohol, stresses purity and avoidance of drunkard risk, lists wide ranging cures from liver and digestive disorders to skin eruptions and pains, and touts a $1.50 bottle price with Santa Cruz rum in the tonic.
An 19th century drug advertisement touts Dr Hoofland's Pedophyliia or substitute for mercury pills two per dose to cleanse liver stomach and bowels. It claims potency from Pedophyllia mandrake extract and pairs with Dr Hooffand's German Bitters or Tonic to boost liver function blood and nerves. Available through German Medicine Store Philadelphia and dispatched by express nationwide. CHAS. M. EVANS proprietor. janily
An advertisement touts a Blood purifying preparation claimed to eradicate scrofula syphilis fever sores ulcers sore eyes sore legs sore mouth sore head bronchitis skin diseases salt rheum cankers ear runnings white swellings tumors cancerous affections nodes rickets glandular swellings night sweats rash tetter and all chronic diseases. It claims to restore health and beauty by cleansing the blood and curing bone pains throat ulcers and skin eruptions.
A historic advertisement touts H. T. Helmbold's Extract Bucha as curing diabetes in all cases treated, along with urinary disorders, kidney inflammation, bladder calculus, and masculine and feminine health complaints. It markets a wide range of ailments from nephritis to sexual health issues, insisting on minimal diet changes and no exposure.
H T Helmbold declares improved Rosewash unbeatable as a two face wash and sole remedy for cutaneous ailments. It claims to erase pimples and spots, dry scaly skin, reduce redness, hives, rashes, moth patches, and frost bites, restoring purity and softness to the skin and ensuring healthy tissue action for a clear, vibrant complexion.
Full directions accompany Medicines from Henry T. Helmbold. Genuine preparations offered via depots in New York and Philadelphia. Secure from observation, delivered to any address, with warnings to beware of counterfeits and to ask for Helmbold’s products only.
The piece blends humorous anecdotes and health quackery as Max Adeler mocks self help diets and extreme temperance. It parodies a famed lifestyle guide with outrageous habits, from bracing baths to massive tobacco limits, ending with a note about a potential ten thousand dollar gift.
A Texas paper surveys professional peculiarities linking self-identity to occupation with examples from law, tailoring, bootmaking, and undertakers. It highlights cases like a New York lawyer invoking alibi, a Virginia judge Underwood urging woman suffrage, and quips about coffin sizing and neckwear. The piece notes Underwood’s assertive stance and references other editors on public notices and advertising.
Housekeepers struggle to maintain stove blacking between cleanings. After blacking, rub the exterior with paper each morning to preserve shine, and only use a wet cloth for stubborn spills. Rinse teapots and coffee pots with clear water, not dishwater, to keep interiors spotless. A San Francisco Alta note links labor-saving progress to fatal mowing machine incidents in Illinois. Farmers near sowing wheat, while wives sow tares.
A Boston graduate travels eight months circling the globe from Boston eastward, visiting Germany France Italy England Egypt India Ceylon Hong Kong Yokohama and San Francisco. He and a fellow student endure robberies in Asia while tracking a route by bullock wagon across Hindostan.
An eastern lectures committee misread Rufus Choate’s invitation and prepared to host a lecture as if accepted. The tale notes Bethune’s unreadable script, a mother’s letter of condolence misread as beauty, and a Western railroad prank where a signed note became a free pass until uncovered.
Two travelers in a light wagon smoking cigars watch straw ignite below. As they attempt to put out the fire a horseback countryman bets them a warning. He jokes that many fancy schemes now seem steam powered.
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