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Newspaper
Monticello Express
Location
Monticello, Iowa, United States of America
Date
Mar 16, 1899
Page
8
Aged U S Receiving Ship Vermont is celebrated as a school house for over one million sailors in the navy. The piece likens its age and achievements to Hostetter's Stomach Bitters famed for sixty years, noting cures for malaria fever dyspepsia constipation indigestion and kidney issues.
Mrs M C Cooper famed London sculptor and Royal Academy member praises Peruna in a Washington letter, claiming relief from catarrh and la grippe after one bottle. She notes modeling busts of English nobility and Con Coran piece, and invites readers to request a free health book from Dr Hartman in Columbus Ohio.
The poem recounts a child named Theophilus Theodore Brown who supposedly eats a whole menagerie at one supper. He devours a frisky baa lamb, a sweet pussy-cat, camels, a mooley-cow, a giraffe, a pig, a lion and tigers, bears, horses, goats, and elephants in a playful, imaginative rhythm.
William Babcock, famed trapper of Sullivan County New York, and his dog battled a fierce wilde cat in Flanigan swamp. After four shots failed to drop it, the cat leaped from the tree, attacked Babcock, and was fought off by man and dog until it finally died. Both hunter and hound suffered severe claw wounds. The encounter was reported by the New York Sun.
A West side schoolhouse scene sees boys trap a large gray rat during noon hour. The rodent charges a boy, prompting a chaotic scramble as others beat the floor and each other’s toes in an ill fated bid to pin the creature down. The rat escapes, leaving the boys defeated.
Three youths under 16 took a rowboat harpoon and rifle on a novel hunt for a sea devil or ray in Galveston bay. After approaching at 40 feet they fired once, the ray sped away in a circle but did not strike the boat. The boys harpooned the creature and hauled it to the wharf, charging five cents to view it. The note adds a comparison about sight between Indians and whites.
The article describes native infant carriers: North American Indians strap a baby to a board slung on a tree or shoulder, while in South America and parts of Africa woven reeds form a U shaped cradle. Infants sit upright, are bound by cords, and left harnessed while parents work or travel.
Veterinary surgeons report numerous incidents of domestic animals ingesting items not meant for food. Hatpins, needles, meat skewers and corks appear in pets from kittens to terriers, with rare surgeries to remove them. One terrier recovered after a wooden meat skewer was removed, while other cases include a goat swallowing needles and a spaniel fitted with a prosthetic leg.
Watseka resident Martin Burnham recounts a Vermont tale of a giant garter snake that swallowed dozens of its young. In a hayfield, neighbors pressed the snake and liberated forty eight young snakes ranging six to nine inches, the longest about the diameter of a clay pipe stem.
A Puck quip features a sick man and a friend debating contagion and the malady’s visitors who insist on offering cures. The humor rests on mistaken certainty and social bosses giving unsolicited advice.
The California Fig Syrup Co markets Syrup or Fies a pleasant laxative using senna and figs. It strengthens the system, cleanses the body, dispels colds and fevers, and aids relief from habitual constipation without irritating kidneys or bowels. Sold by druggists at 50 cents a bottle.
Specially conducted excursions will leave St. Paul on the first and third Wednesdays monthly with low rate lines to Manitoba Assiniboia Saskatchewan and Alberta. Applications may be made to Ottawa Immigration or the undersigned agents in Chicago Stevens Point Detroit Bad Axe Mt. Pleasant Des Moines and other locations.
The piece riffs on a fictional exchange about a French phrase and advertises Lane's Family Medicine from Boston Transcript context. It references Mr. and Mrs. Dollarworth and claims to move the bowels daily to stay healthy, acting on liver and kidneys and curing headaches with a price of 25 and 50 cents.
A compact collage of quotes and quips from various papers with humorous lines on politics, manners, and daily life. It includes remarks from the Yonkers Statesman Indianapolis Journal Chicago Daily Record and other periodicals, plus brief ads and misc noted sayings.
An advertisement touts Hall's Catarrh Cure as a universal cure with a $100 guarantee and testimonials, plus a note on Hall's Family Pills. The piece also recalls a shipboard tale about guests using butter on an American ocean liner, where a discreet butter display prompted a humorous private butter warning.
A grocer showcases GRAIN-O as a coffee substitute. Advertised as child safe, easy on stomachs, and made from pure grains with a mocha-like color and lower price. Packages sell for 16 and 26 cents, distributed by grocers.
In a vivid Detroit Journal fragment, a man lifts a woman's hand to kiss it and vows to claim her, while she asserts strong independence in witty banter about marriage and ownership, reflecting social attitudes of the era.
An advertisement offers a free sample of Allen's Foot-Kase powder by mail from Allen 8. Olmsted, Le Roy, New York. The copy claims relief for chilblains, sweating feet, damp or swollen feet, and aching feet plus easing tight shoes. Also says it cures corns bunions and ingrown nails and lists druggists and shoe stores selling it for 20 cents.
A fragment from the Atlanta Constitution notes how the last war changed a family’s life with a big pension for an amputated ear and finger, while the widow’s husband writes a war history. Moll becomes engaged to a sergeant and Jennie plans marriage to a near-gin’rul.
Choice cleared and stump land in Central and Western Michigan ideal for fruit and general farming. Very low prices and favorable terms to actual settlers. Excel lent schools and markets. Write JL HH, Howe, Land Agent G. & W. Mand D., GC, R. & W. Ry, Grand Rapids, Mich.
A jumble of witty exchanges, travel ads, and humorous quips fills this page. Notable bits include a flirtatious jab about kissing, travel promotions to Cuba via Plant Line, a quip from Gen Weyler about prophecy, and advertisements for Kemp's Balsam and St Jacobs Oil. The tone mirrors a bustling 19th century miscellany with short gags and notices.
An advertisement touts Swamp Root by Dr. Kilmer as a cure for kidney and bladder diseases and other ailments. It claims wide testing, offers a free sample by mail, and notes the product is sold in fifty cent and one dollar sizes.
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