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Newspaper
Marble Hill Press
Location
Marble Hill, Missouri, United States of America
Date
May 11, 1911
Page
2
A scrambled spoof from Marble Hill Press jokes about modern men, mattress sales, inflation of terms, and fashion trends. It riffs on economic phrases, monorails to Alaska, oversized shoes, new alarm clocks, and a French throne claim, all in a rapid-fire satirical style with quirky observations and absurd connections.
A Baltimore bard attempts to organize a poets union but the plan seems doomed as all applicants for membership seek to be walking delegates rather than ordinary members.
Four goats contaminated with a billion disease germs have wandered off in New York. The incident illustrates a recurring pattern of scientists losing experimental goats, highlighting ongoing concerns about containment and animal handling in research settings.
A New York woman defies traditional attire claiming the trousered half of a harem skirt grants freedom to live boldly, marking a notable point in fashionable experimentation for persecuted wear.
A Spokane woman recently graduated from a stenography school at age seventy and plans to pursue active work. She believes a youthful spirit removes limits aged life might impose.
A Pennsylvania woman buried the wrong man believing him to be her husband. When the real husband reappeared alive, she kept the burial deed, declined a live birth of her error, and adhered to the deceased man as her spouse.
A New Jersey magistrate emphasizes superstition by placing trust in a rabbit's foot to guide his judicial authority. The remark suggests he seeks eerie or occult influences to bolster his courtroom decisions and authority among peers.
A Harvard professor claims a ten cent daily food budget is feasible but ignores lobster prices at eight tenths of a dollar per pound and the impracticality of such a plan. The quip suggests using the lobster can as dessert.
A man in St Louis signed a contract with his wife agreeing not to kiss or annoy her in any other way. The gag reflects a humorous, unusually compliant husband and a wife who may not share Shakespeare’s view that kisses are a wife’s wages.
Porfirio Diaz signs a manifesto stating intent to resign the presidency once peace is restored. He says the move aims to preserve national interests, not vanity, and reserves the right to judge when conditions are peaceful. The document is public but not officially transmitted to revolutionary leaders.
In Topeka Kansas Governor Stubbs pledges aid to Hunnewell officials to enforce prohibitory law amid mayor Ella Wieden’s complaints. The council refuses to comply with her appointments and argues enforcement gaps leave laws unenforced. The exchange centers on lack of officers and authority.
Judge A C Petit ruled the Senate cannot compel private account inspections of Edward Tilden in a habeas corpus case. The decision upholds Tilden G W Benedict and W C Cummings in contempt charges for not presenting counts to the Helm committee. Tilden was named by Clarence Funk of International Harvester as the recipient of a $10,000 check alleged to have aided election of Senator William Lorimer.
In Cordova Alaska pioneers formed a mob and boarded an arriving Alaska Steamship vessel. They dumped sacks of Canadian coal into the harbor as a dramatic protest mirroring the Boston tea party. The incident occurred near Seattle Washington amid regional tensions over fuel imports.
Professor W. T. Foster of the weather bureau in Washington reports that Santa Clara College seismograph registered vibrations dated 4,000 miles west in the Pacific Ocean. No islands lie near that epicenter, underscoring a distant seismic event detected at the California site.
Sheriff Freeman and deputies raided a boxing match in Springfield arresting Fred Schmidt of St Louis Al Allegar of Joplin Jack O Leary and Dump Lipman of Springfield for involvement in the disturbance.
The body of A. L. Downing once an agent for the Kansas City Southern railroad in Goodman Missouri was found on a railroad track. He was to be arraigned for the murder of Charles Goebel.
Victoria May 6 charging fraud against Rev Newell Dwich Hillis of Brooklyn for obtaining options on 20 000 acres of coal lands on the Quorn Charlotte islands in southern British Columbia valued at 26 million dollars. HM W R Moore attorney for M Hamilton and others applied to Judge Clements for permission to serve a writ out of jurisdiction on the Rev Mr Hillig. Writ sent to New York for service. Specific charges include fraud and misrepresentation.
About seven miners die in a Hartford mine fire caused by a blasting mishap at the Republi Jren and Steel company. Men suffocated by smoke as flames drove from the Cambria shaft and forced escape through airways. Loss expected to be heavy.
The impeachment trial of Judge John Cowan was announced to begin with the first charge of habitual drunkenness, while 73 remaining charges await votes. Only three senators vetoed guilty on the opening charge.
In Columbus Ohio, State Senators George K. Cetone Muffman and L. KR Andrews, Representatives A. C. Lowry and George BK Nye, and Senate Sergeant-at-Arms Hodten J. Diegel were arraigned on bribery charges and pleaded not guilty before Judge Kinkead. Prosecution set trials for week after next.
Louisville residents Charles Parthulo and Edward L. Huston, charged in the fatal stabbing of Frank Cordner at Clay Center, Illinois, announced they will waive preliminary hearings. Parthulo is held for first degree murder and Huston faces an accessory charge.
Arrivals from Sabinas report a fierce fight near Musquiz, 15 miles west of Sabinas, resulting in 115 federals and 30 rebels killed. Local reports note the engagement occurred 73 miles north of here near Eagle Pass, Texas.
With warmer weather arriving after recent frosty nights, southern apple growers report relief as the danger of frost damage eases. Local orchards in Alto Pass and nearby areas anticipate improved fruit set and reduced losses for the season.
Chinese forces and imperial troops clashed along the Wabow and Canton road with heavy reinforcements dispatched to the Cantonese districts. Many killed on both sides as fighting continued. Foreign gunboats patrolled Canton and Shuinien island, where foreigners reside, with authorities tightening control as the situation stabilized.
Refugees from Guaymie Mexico report 1,000 U S citizens penned in Myacatlan amid disrupted rail connections and blocked access. Washington urged to deploy warships as Mexican gunboats blockade Mazatlan harbor cutting off land routes and communications to the city.
A Chicago bombing shift sparked violence in Gary when unknown attackers dynamited two box cars in Kirk railroad yards. The blast killed two men and injures a score, with Italian laborers and workers from the American Bridge Company among those present. The explosion occurred shortly after 1 am.
John Connell aged five was killed at the WoOPstead mine north of Herrin when a fall of top coal crushed him as he was removing props. It is the first fatal accident in the mine since last summer’s strike.
In Washington on May 4 the government accepted a 1.15 million dollar compromise of the suit against Duveen Hiron, a New York art firm accused of customs frauds.
A farmer living northwest of Mount Vernon was found dead at a railroad switch. Developments indicate he died by self-inflicted gunshot, completing an apparent suicide. No other persons were involved, and authorities noted the incident as a solitary tragedy.
The draft arbitration treaty between America and Great Britain has advanced toward completion and will be ready for submission to the British government within two weeks.
In El Paso Mexican and insurrecto peace commissioners met under cottonwood trees to discuss end of the revolution. Francisco Madero Jr and other leaders urged public assurances that President Diaz would resign and a provisional administrator would govern until general elections. The exchange sought a rapid path to peace amid calls for retirement of top officials.
Washington reports that a farmers free list bill is set for action in the house with a Monday or Tuesday vote. The time depends on how quickly Republicans can amend the bill and proceed under limited debate priorities. Democratic leader Utterworth has indicated debate may end Saturday, shaping a fast track to a vote.
President Taft pardoned Hane Kruew, Alexander Raehburn, and Thomas Kennen after police and revenue officers allegedly induced them into illegal whisky trafficking by using an informant who appeared to be a white man. The pardons absolve them of guilt in the case tied to the Whisky Ring operations.
New York reports silk and elk goods cargo arriving after a record voyage from Yokohama. The shipment completed the journey in 16 days and 16 hours, surpassing all previous times, according to railroad officials.
In Cincinnati a heated argument against George B. Cox on perjury charges was heard before Judge Dickson of the common pleas court. Judge Dickson took the case under advisement.
A $500,000 company organized in New York to manufacture wings for the Henry Farman type. Farman will supervise the factory, dividing time between the United States and France.
The Springfield Women’s Christian Union adopted resolutions condemning hobble skirts and urged mothers to buy more cloth for their daughters’ skirts.
A young man barters clothes with a gardener to obtain a bouquet for a lady. He sends the flowers and faces a frosty reception. A crude note accuses him of nonsense and demands repayment in kind for the flowers. The Cleveland Plain Dealer recounts the misdirected romantic ploy.
A garbled OCR style note mentions a candidate and a plea to help the poor, with rough phrases about daily life and a judge. The text is incomplete and many words are unreadable, but hints at political rhetoric and concern for needy citizens.
In a terse report locals recall a nighttime brawl around Nobealy Gate. Eyewitnesses describe a confrontation over a disputed claim to a prize, with no serious injuries reported. Police investigated but issued no charges.
A humorous ad style testimonial from clergymen praising Grape Nuts and Postum products for indigestion headaches and improved energy. The letters claim breakfast digestion improved, headaches gone, and mental and physical strength aided. The text references The Road to Wellville and Battle Creek, Michigan.
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