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Newspaper
Marble Hill Press
Location
Marble Hill, Missouri, United States of America
Date
Mar 14, 1912
Page
2
A collection of satirical lines and anecdotes from Marble Hill Press in Marble Hill Missouri. Jokes touch on sports aeroplanes automobiles fires and readers opinions with sharp quips about humanity politics and vanity. The snippets mention readers ministers editors and a variety of local and national topics.
An ecientist notes bees travel about 48000 miles to gather enough material for a single pound of honey. The observation hints at the vast journey behind a small sweet product and the hidden costs in nature.
A witty remark on age and social behavior notes that after twenty five a woman’s true age is rarely revealed. Friends inclined to tease share the joke, reflecting light conversational banter of the era.
Manila is grief stricken as troops head for China and the city’s best baseball team joins the departure, leaving fans and locals in mute sorrow for the momentous move.
A popular Alaska vol canoe faces a violent eruption that threatens local festivities. If the event intensifies it could heighten public concern and become clearer to residents as authorities monitor ash and gas dispersal in nearby communities.
A New York child aged five has had income raised from $2,000 to $16,000 per year enabling him to support his guardians in the accustomed style, reflecting a striking guardianship arrangement and social norms of the period.
The French government requests an appropriation of 4,400,000 dollars for military aeroplanes. Those who hoped serial navies would cut costs on peace insurance may need to rethink their projections.
Paris authorities instruct Raymond Duncan to wear more clothing in public, noting he acts as if the world is a bathing beach.
A 22 year old California man marries a 63 year old woman. The notice jokes that she should refrain from spanking him if she catches him stealing jam, reflecting a lighthearted take on an unusual union.
Organized women stenographers in Chicago declare that silk stockings are out of fashion in Washington. They warn that self protection may require hiring male stenographers whose opinions they disregard, linking fashion to broader professional battles.
A woman in town laughed at a joke so hard that three doctors were summoned to administer chloroform. The anecdote serves as encouragement to mournful townsfolk and the jokesmiths.
A Harvard professor urges a universal aviation course at all colleges. He argues the average student lacks sufficient breadth and that specialized aviation study should be widely offered.
The czar decrees exile for Bishop Hemogenes and directs transport to Zhiroviteky monastery in a private car, a sign that harsher Siberia and hard travel are avoided.
Rebels blew the vault of Banco Nacional in Juarez using nitroglycerin and allegedly diverted 17,000 from its funds tied to Maderista government interests. A court martial, led by Gen Rojas, tried men who failed to access the bank. Juarez saloons were closed to curb looting as troops threaten unrest.
After six days of testimony in a Lawrence area strike dispute reporters presented conflicting accounts. The house rules committee in Washington voted to pursue a federal inquiry from three different angles to resolve the issue.
Newburgh report states the final appraisal for the estate of the late F W Harriman of Union has been filed in Goshen to determine state transfer tax. The estate value is near 100 million dollars with 1 percent earmarked for the state treasury.
Chicago report states six men died in a fire that scorched the Harnett spare and the Salvation Army hotel known as the Evangeline on Clark and Harrison streets. Seven others are hospitalized, four of whom are believed to be fatally injured.
In Newport an attempt to quell a disturbance led Patrolman John Gen ile to discharge his weapon accidentally killing Private Edward K. Jones of the 129th Company coast artillery corps. The incident involved two additional artillerymen from Fort Adama.
The Interstate Commerce Commission will begin an inquiry into the Wabash wreck at West Lebanon Indiana and will inspect steel plants to determine if defective rails are being sold to railroads.
Archangel reports an unusually large seal catch on the Murman coast with about 26,000 individuals killed, indicating a drastic reduction in local seal populations and possible impacts on regional fishing activities and ecology.
Columbus Ohio reports Ohio University students react with enthusiasm after receiving a telegram from Champaign Illinois announcing their victory over Olinda University in the debate on the initiative and referendum.
Port-au-Prince Haiti Gen Jules Ooicou former military ruler found guilty of taking part in a deadly case involving ten people including three of his brothers He was sentenced to be executed.
General Isaac Dyer, aged 102, the oldest postmaster in the United States, announced his resignation in Skehegan Maine. He has served as postmaster there for 12 years.
A mono plane piloted by Herr Hoffman from Johannisthal carried four passengers for two minutes and thirty three seconds, setting a new world record for multi passenger flight in a single trial.
Samuel Wintertop of Newark New Jersey has held perfect attendance at the First Baptist Sunday school for 50 years and will complete 60 consecutive years of perfect attendance next month preserving a world record status for regular Sunday school participation.
New York industrial leader Claus A. Spreckels of the Independent Sugar Refining Company predicts the pending free sugar bill will pass. If enacted, consumers would benefit immediately from lower prices.
Washington Post printed a telegram attributed to Senator Joseph M Dixon claiming Roosevelt’s campaign owed Democratic aid for treaties. Dixon denied sending such a telegram and sent a brief wire to Col Roosevelt clarifying he only informed him of the Senate vote. Mexico City reports Felix Dias, nephew of former president Diaz, is groomed as a dark horse for the presidency amid rebel threats. Rebels attacked a train, saluted the passing Dias, and withdrew. Foreign powers back local defense as Diaz’s group prepares for confrontations with Orozco and Zapata. About 20,000 rebels may converge on Mexico City. Orozco and Zapata plan to strike soon. US civilians increasingly flee as federal troops retreat south. The National Bank shifts funds to the treasury and cadet units guard the capital.
Sheriff Quinn moved to prevent a nervous breakdown in Rev. VV Richeson awaiting execution for the murder of Avis Linnell. The legislature defeated the bill abolishing capital punishment. Richeson is in as good health as can be expected, but must not be unduly excited about the action and has only a short time left.
Samuel Cheatham was arrested in St Louis Missouri and confessed two hours after the shooting of George Wurst burger on a January night. He dragged the dying man to a trapdoor and dropped him to the basement before removing a diamond scarf pin from his tie. Cheatham later pawned the pin in New York for $100.
At Diamond Vale colliery in Merritt British Columbia seven men were killed when a gun explosion ripped through the mine. Eight others remained entombed with their fate unknown. miner Alex Pearson was hurled 30 feet by the blast.
In Kansas City Missouri the Republican primary yielded Roosevelt 4923 votes, Taft 327, La Follette 65, Cummins 0. scattered votes totaled 35. Fifth district totals show Roosevelt 6665, Taft 390, La Follette 64, Cummins 7, scattering 35.
A broken rail on the Wabash Continental Limited caused seven cars to derail near West Lebanon Indiana. Four died at the scene and 64 were injured. crews worked through the night to recover victims. The train, en route from New York to St Louis, was one hour thirty minutes late.
Montgomery City, Mo December reports Samuel Palmer a young Haptiet minister sued for 2000 for performing a marriage between Frances Whadeor 18 and William Boone 15 despite parental consent refusals. Plaintiff Benjamin Windsor alleges Palmer knew Frances was under age and acted against her parents wishes, deliberately and maliciously conducting the ceremony.
Seattle resident Rosemand Densmore, aged long-time voter, is impaneled for an assault case in the superior court. She notes her recall to jury service after last sitting in 1887 during territorial days before women’s suffrage era.
J R McNamara serving life for Times building bombing and mass murder is dying of tuberculosis at San Quentin. His brother J J McNamara, serving a fifteen year term for the same act, is in poor health. Burns detective Malcolm McLaren reported after a prison visit.
Eight people died from meningitis in Kansas City including Rev. Alexander Lewis pastor of the First Congregational Church. He had been stricken Wednesday and had preached in New York Boston and London.
In Kateas City Missouri reports say Champ Clark has lost Kansas. Joseph Wilson leads Missouri with 147 delegates to Beaker’s 14, as counties once trusted to deliver Clark’s large majority shift to Wilson.
Col. Wim. N. Black announced to war and navy departments that the battleship Maine wreck in Havana harbor will be ready for removal on March 16. The notice outlines the planned salvage operation and the date for initiating the wreck removal from the harbor.
Kansasity Mo. Henry Maren Court a former undertaker in Digbu cue la died there almost a week after he had made complete arrangements with an undertaker for the disposition of his body.
In a jail cell Thomas Barbie and associates including Greeley and Cole-Despodient were held on forgery charges. Barbie attempted death by self harm by tying his head in a washbowl and turning on the water, using blankets to bind himself.
A $1000 reward is offered for information leading to the whereabouts of William Schneidbenz a Union County farmer who disappeared from his home prompting a search by local authorities and residents seeking tips on his fate
Avery H. Patton testified before a legislative committee that he believed Governor Hivase authored the anonymous letter sent to Thomas B. Felder threatening their lives. The testimony centers on the authorship claim and its implications for political figures involved.
Secret agents under Investigator Te Woody took charge of the Masdasnan temple in Chicago. Kr. Ottoman Zar Adusht Hanish serves as high priest as sleuths guard the ban temple amid unnamed threats and government action.
President Taft spoke to a large audience at Mansfield declaring the Senate defeat of his arbitration treaties as practically certain to fail. He urged that the agreement is one and bound to win, framing the issue as a public stance against opposition.
The excerpt poses a provocative question about repeating rifles and answers with a blunt aim to maximize impact. It reflects a terse era attitude toward firearm effectiveness and precision in a compact dialogue style.
A damaged OCR fragment references a legal notice or advertisement mentioning Cole & Co, and others with unclear actions or dates. The readable portion hints at corporate names and an unresolved claim or award. The exact event, place, or deadline remains obscured in the fragment.
A puzzled parent is questioned by a child about why swallowing hurts when sore throats strike. The boy asks a curious riddle about why we feel the urge to swallow despite pain, prompting a humorous family exchange.
A Wreabington clergyman offers solace after a sad bereavement. The porter asks if scripture gives comfort and the woman responds with a hesitant but hopeful remark about the Good Book aiding her. The exchange reflects quiet faith amid sorrow.
A local doctor sent his men with a bow of pills and a hamper to the patient. The messenger bungled the errand and delivered a strange promise to the patient, reading: "Teo of thee to be lowed every ball hour." The episode caused consternation as the improvised prescription arrived with the meal.
A tale describes neighbors plotting to bury a lazy man alive near a wagon to the cemetery. A passing stranger offers cornmeal but the doomed man hallucinates a prop, then urges the driver to continue. The man’s fate is sealed as his head disappears from view.
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