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Newspaper
Advance Hustler
Location
Advance, Indiana, United States of America
Date
Mar 28, 1912
Page
3
Classified notices offer numerous farms and tracts for sale or trade across Kansas, Ohio, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Washington, Michigan, and more. Properties include 60 to 671 acres cultivated, with houses, barns, outbuildings, stock, machinery, and timber. several listings request box numbers in Chicago. Bargains target investors seeking tillable land, dairies, and estate settlements with ready access to markets.
John Bellfire promises to arrive by six but misses a crowded freezing commute. A frozen express and chaotic platform scramble end with Mrs Bellfire leaving a note in the mirror saying she and her mother will dine elsewhere, leaving him to a cold apartment and a simple ham sandwich.
Lord Tankerville notes in New York that many English boys show excessive modesty around a lord, comparing it to a village tinker's blunt honesty. He shares a humor about loving your neighbor as yourself, illustrating with a tale of the tinker's blunt truthfulness.
In a light court scene the two men face embezzlement style charges for stealing a bound copy of Lives of the Saints. The judge asks religion. one proclaims Catholic and the other Protestant. The judge dismisses them and calls the next case.
The advertisement promotes Cuticura Soap as a preventive skin care product with emollient purity and fragrance. It claims benefits for hands, hair, scalp, and dandruff, notes higher initial cost but longer wear, and invites readers to request a free sample and skin care booklet from Cuticura, Dept. L, Boston.
An advertisement touts a one day cold cure with nine laxative tablets and a money back guarantee signed on each box. It also promotes Dr Pierce’s Pleasant Pellets as a remedy for constipation and quotes a joke about a “white hope” in sports.
The advertisement promotes Cole’s Carboli salve as stopping pain from burns or cuts, aiding quick healing and scar prevention. It offers 25c and 50c sizes and free samples by writing to J. W. Cole & Co. of Black River Falls Wisconsin.
Extract shows chatter about engagements and social pretensions, a Mary Walker anecdote challenging gender norms, and brokers boasting risky schemes. Readers encounter satire on middlemen profits, insurance-like schemes, and a sharp retort from a stock trader, all framed in period newspaper tone.
A fragmentary verse exchange hints at a pair of women named Miss Caustique and Miss Antique. The dialogue implies restraint and defiance as the speaker notes a world that refuses to listen and mourns the fate of the virtuous.
Thos. M. Brown of Springfield seeks to place a Farmers' Canning Factory within 8 to 10 miles of towns with 1500 plus population in this state region. He offers 15 sizes for farm or community use with prices from 85 to 75 dollars daily output and sale on payments or 15 percent of the pack until paid. Farmers can grow 3 to 10 acres tomatoes yearly and earn 500 to 1200 dollars by canning them.
A father cautions his cautionary son not to ask foolish questions and tests his son with a riddle about swallowing when a sore throat hurts. The boy asks why one would want to swallow repeatedly despite pain.
A young man apologizes amid a stolen kiss in a conservatory corner. The woman responds sharply, saying the kiss was bad but worse is the man's memory of it when he asked to walk away, expressing offense at the situation.
A vintage advisory urges mothers to inspect CASTORIA for the signature and notes the product has been used for over 30 years. The scene shifts to a trust magnate lamenting public scorn and a friend quipping that his pride keeps the world from rising.
Readers urged to try Garfield Tea as a steady path to regain health. A lighthearted moral note adds that a woman values what she gains over her husband earnings.
A reader letter from Harum describes improved health after switching to Grape-Nuts and Postum, noting steadier work on mail routes, better sleep, nerves, digestion, eye-sight, and appetite. The postum company claims authenticity and promotes The Road to Wellville pamphlet.
Kitty vows never to marry while Aunt Katherine schemes a leap year proxy proposal for Kitty to Rod ney Hodge. Katherine and Bronson reveal past heartbreaks, urging Kitty toward love while Katharine faces her own chance at happiness with the aging Bronson.
A Kansas tale tells of a man famed for laziness who, buried alive by neighbors, is saved by a passerby with corn to share. The lazy man asks if the corn is shelled, and when told it is not, he is silenced as the wagon continues to the cemetery.
In a tense mid scene, the performer turns to the nearby woman and urges her to watch closely as he hints that one participant might abruptly flee or fail. The exchange conveys growing agitation and anticipation within the audience.
William Fink of Brooklyn was sentenced by the New York Court of Special Sessions to four months in a penitentiary with hard labor for counterfeiting Carter's Little Liver Pills. Judge Deuel stressed the harm to the public and determent of future frauds.
The dialogue depicts a savage chief with a glittering spear near a captive missionary, who remarks it goes against his stomach. The scene ends grimly as the captive is in a place where humor has no market and the end comes. A second exchange features a Sunday School joke: Tommy says his father ran and fell on his neck, prompting the teacher to question the source of the line.
A collage of old advertising lines mocks gender roles and social mores with a string of cheeky quips and product pitches. Notable brands and taglines tease wives and husbands while promoting Paxtine Antiseptic Pazooint Garfield Tea and Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup as timeless remedies and comforts.
Mrs J G Johnson of Scottville Michigan speaks of health benefits from Lydia E Pinkham's Vegetable Compound and Sanative Wash. She is a forty five year old mother of thirteen who credits the medicine with alleviating back ache and bearing down pains. She also notes relief for her daughter with painful periods and irregularity. The advertisement touts the product as a safe, narcotic free remedy made from native roots and herbs and claims strong success for women's ailments.
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