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VILLAGEFrom C1SITES TO GET STARTEDNeed help jump-starting your village? Here are some online suggestions:■ Creatingextendedfamilies.com: Thewebsite connects people with intergenerational or peer-to-peer relationships. “Matches are intended to develop into long-term family I ike relationships, which may include such activities as sharing holidays, providing emotional support and having someone who cares,” according to the site.■ Sittercity.com: It’s a national site for locating baby sitters, nannies, pet sitters, senior companions, house sitters, housekeepers and tutors. The company serves 33 cities in the U.S.■ Care.com: The international site matches people in 16 countries with baby sitters, senior caretakers, pet sitters and other household help. Parents can pay their baby sitters through the Care.com site.know forever and ever, whether you want to or not, you’re going to do Sunday dinner at grandma’s, and Uncle John is going to fall asleep at the table, and you’re all going to play Bingo.“Stress is something you have to adjust to,” she adds. “Ritual is something you never have to adjust to. You just walk into it. It’s the opposite of exciting.”The beauty of a self-made village — made up of friends and neighbors and other folks who don’t share your gene pool — is that you can fill it with people whose lives and values and schedules (no small matter) match up with yours.“There’s a saying: ‘Home is the place you go, and they have to let you in,”’ said Safer. “But maybe you don’t want to go there.”Maybe it’s an expensive plane ride away. Maybe it’s full of dysfunction. Maybe it’s just full. That’s when you create your own connections and rituals.“Many people lack that warm village of extended family,” said Safer, who writes extensively about family strife, including “Cain’s Legacy: Liberating Siblings From a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy and Regret” (Basic Books). “And there’s much about that that’s good.”Knowing no oneDarling recalls her mother’s German immigrant parents who came to the United States shortly before World War II and knew no one.“All the people I grew up calling ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle,’ none of them were blood related to me,” Darling said. “But they were multigenerational, sustained relationships. My grandparents and these other adults created shared rituals — Sunday dinners, vacations together, the exchanging of favors. They let each other into the private parts of their homes — not just the public parts.”Darling found herself following that model when she was the new mom in town. Cheering at soccer games, waiting at swim lessons, standing around at birthday parties, she would watch for the other parents with whom she seemed compatible.“You like how they parent; you think you’d like to get to know them better,” she said. “Then you find ways to set up a situation where both the kids and the parents are getting to know each other better. Not just a play date for the kids, but, ‘Why don’t you come over, so the kids can play together and you and I can have a cup of tea?”’Conversation starterAmanda Mouttaki, a native Midwesterner who moved with her husband and two sons to her husband’s native Morocco in 2013, said childrenare an “easy conversation starter.”“I think it’s a bit of luck, some trial and error and some cosmic intervention,” said Mouttaki, who blogs about at her life in Morocco at marocmama.com. “Honestly, the best advice is be yourself and forget all your preconceived notions of politeness. You really just have to put yourself in somewhat uncomfortable situations.”That often includes extending invitations that may be rejected.“You learn to break down boundaries between public and private domains without being too intimate,” Darling said. “You might not invite your new friends over to an intimate Christmas dinner, but you could invite everyone over to make Christmas cookies. Or ... you could call them up and say, ‘We’re all watching a movie tonight, and we’ve got popcorn. You want to come over?”’With luck, rituals will evolve over time. And rituals can breed bonds.“I got in the habit of calling my neighbors, ‘I’m running to the store. Do you need anything?”’ Darling said. “And, sometimes, ‘I’m running to the store. Can I drop Sean off for 20 minutes?’ Little favors make everyone’s life so much easier.”Above all, Darling said, pay attention to the details that bring joy and kinship to your created village.“Remember their kids’ birthdays,” she said. “And send cards.”“Close family is a wonderful thing if you’ve got it,” Safer said. “But a lot of people don’t. And friends are our safe place. Friends are there because they want to be there. It’s not just a ‘blood is thicker than water’ situation.”
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