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VIEWS.This Js too late to d£ the good I intended it should; hut X can see now it •was not really necessary, after all. I intended that this should come out before the citizens’ committee met and decided whom to put the ticket on, bu*. the old mud dauber who acts as my private secretary contracted a case of the nlght-sweats, and it was impossible to make him hump his back, even in the first degee. I have decided, though, that this is too good tc be lost; ana even if it does not ecme handy tins election it wPl answer for the next.Here is what it was meant to be: IGentlemen of the citizens’ committee, his guardian ad litem, or next friend—! have been opportune*!; yea, even urged, and in some cases threatened, to run for judge on. the citizens’ ticket. I -have been told by good men and some 'women that my election would be easier than telling the truth during a sick spell. My ambition is to be judge. I can then be in a- position to get even with a lot of pettifoggers, who, in the past, by low, coarse methods, have in a manner slapped it to me. Then, there is a long line of county attorneys who outgrew their clothes during their terms of office. I would like to hand them a Jew hand-me-downs that would about fit them now. Then, here is another thing I would do: I would not beat a friend gZ mine if I could help it. But, if the evidence was so strong that X could not get around it without being impeached, then I would give him the minimum. My ambition leads mo to accept; but I am in a sweat. This other proposition confronts me. Owing to a press of business and a lack of money, I hardly see how I can make the race. Still, I do not want It understood that I have committed my-self. But before I would accept the nomination there are a few things about me with which I desire to make 4he public acquainted. I am no hypocrite. That is one of the things I admire In me. Therefore, I want to say that In the past 1 played pinochle with a man for beer, and heat him so often that he got full and went home and choked his wife to death; then he set fire to the house and burned up his children. After that he went out west and ran for the legislature; then he was sent to congress. I feel a good deal of remorse about this. It worries me a good deal; for I am satisfied if he had not got drunk he would not have gone to congTessS.One time there was an old neighbor from the country came up and stayed all night with me. He had a habit of grating his teeth in Ms sleep. I stood N 4fc as long as I could. Then I got out of hed quietly, stole Into the Kitchen and got the rolling bin. and I came baclv and knocked all his front teeth down Oils throat. After that I slept like a child. I did not feel the least bit of remorse about the way I treated the ’TXs'i man. I want it understood that no man Can sleep with me, even after I get to he judge, who grates his teeth, unless he expects to lose them simultaneously.i Here is another confession I want to make. One time I rode from here to tVinteraet, and the conductor, somehow, forgot to take up my ticket. I came hack, and the next day eold my ticket to a scalper. Of course, it will be recognized that after I am elected fludge I do not intend to repeat the performance; hut if anv conductor has the temerity to take up my pass, the railroad that he represents will meet •with a worse disaster than a kink ih the rails.These are about the worst crimes I ever committed, except one; and I hate to tell that; but I believe that a man running for office ought to be put straight before the neoole. One time, out of pure spirit of revenge, I dulled a neighbor’s ax. I regret that act cf mine more than anything else 1 ever did, because it was a low, mean trick.old-fashioned damn of ancient commerce.And here is another thing that the public ousht to know, I am of the opinion that the man who tells the truth all the time, and under all circumstances. is a srood deal of a chump. I contend that there are times when a man ought to swear to a lie Jilte a congressman. This may hurt me; hut X want it to get in its work now, and not be sprung on me a dav or two before election. If I have to go on the ticket bv petition there is no question but what 1 can make it; ‘because I owe enough people to make it an object to xhem to assist me that much toward my election.notes i con grzt stately bones 5 Palm Wedne and Saeoneou ing of ,by eobeolumrorgan the go ninety Thuesolemrunder that n in the Satuthe M■Now, here Is my platform: I believein living up to the law. unless it Interferes too much with my personal interests; and I believe everybody else should do the same. I believe that our interests are identical. Or, in other words, you scratch my back and 1 will scratch yours. This is a fundamental principle: and its corollary is ‘'Self-preservation is the first law of nature. They were both born on the same day.I have forgotten the date.If I am elected judge 1 shall endeavor to see that the people cat pie with a fork when there is company, and not rest between courses with their elbows on the table. There is one xeat-ure of table etiquette that will be my object, if elected judge, to innovate; that is, if you get a spoonful of soap in your month that is too hot, spit it out, because no one but a culturedidiot would swallow it.I am in favor of organized labor. Or, in other words, union labor. But I do not believe that it should be carried so far as to compel a man to pick his teeth with a union label splinter.If possible, I shall try to induce the hens of the Ninth judicial district to lay freely during the months of January and February. If possible, I am going to try to keep water from creeping into the cellars of the poor.If a man ie invited out* to tea, I shall not consider it an infraction of the code if he sees fit to take coffee. If a man, or any member of Ills family, or his hired girl, consequently, hfe hired man. invites a select few for an evening’s entertainment^ it will not be necessary to £uti the invitation in rhyme. Tm* is aoottt all the platform £ have in mind now.tvomi fluenci which of the vived-be he* is Vhe to theAt iears o straini the tT the lt;nowy'1 w indoSivening b:The anciei votees rise s threw stopp: coursi Gregc the v stop where dw ell pasto sacrlfiItbeautThi chora the 0 sembice wturne the fwhatdayliglassstillnOneloud,pres;While I am at it I might just as well confess that, in my judgment, I do not believe that I am honest enough to become a iudee. I cannot get around the notion but what the law ■tvas made to bend. Occasionally I believe it ought to be br often; If is j healthy sign. The low tint was never bent or broken never amounted to anif I get nominated I do not intend to pay out at single cent, because I have always entertained a desire to see how badly a good man could be beaten if he did not use money- It is my intention now* to use drastic measures toward the fellows who come to me with a lot of vote© in their vest pockets.The man who comes to me and says that he is for me. anyhow, but has sixteen fellows hoarding with him who have not committed themselves, but could be committed for a dollar apiece and a half-barrel of bcert that man I am going to shoot through diagonally three times.The man who conies to me and says he has four eons-In-law living with him, and that hi can get them to vote for me for $4.80, I am going to hit him twice with a gas pipe. Anyone desiring to see said pipe can call at my office at any time between the hours of 10 and 12 a, m. and 4 and 6 p. m., between now and the election.The man who comes to me with a slander in rhyme against my opponent, I will punch out one eye with an olds fashioned mop handle that is now in my office, and -can be seen at any time by calling on me, or any of my office force.If ar man comes to me with the information that Mike King its for me, I am going to have pity on that man. On tty I will lend him aside and whisper to him that it is too scion to tell,I started out to give a. jocular exegesna on the late republican primaries; but, as usual, got switched off; and it is now* too late to get on the tight hackJ. F. Conrad.Veiy cheap rates to California and the» V* J \ I I f ’ * *4*north v/est via the Burlington Konte. City Ucket office, ** Uvuht stmt.Thitlon,souniand \and 5whohavet hatthe ;lurkchorrangin ttorga gran At mini feet tran greg cess: PI; the strei risir horl the T* as 1tery nue. tree a.vei wish inte com of p T1 the moi (Bet ^taithesolekeeVvwaibee*to 1 the den
Newspaper Details
Des Moines Daily Leader
Des Moines, Iowa, US
Sun, Mar 30, 1902
Page 17
Full Page
Clipped by
Kristen J.
USA 19 Sep 2021
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