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Wrestling heroes fake their way to fortunesBy GREG RABELA classmate leaps into the room, trips over a sleeping body, and spits out the following announcement: “I’ve got tickets to the Hulk Hogan-Terry Funk title match at the Summit tonight,” Suddenly, a group of usually responsible and God-fearin’ journalists assembled in the darkroom spring to life. Really?” they exclaim ‘‘Gee, I wish I was going, they say.To quote Bill Murray in Stripes — What the hell's the matter with you people...STU-PID?!Look guys, for my money I can think of a bunch of things to do that are more exciting than watching the faked, exaggerated paradings of a guy named Funk (What do theguys from his old neighborhood think?).The most popular argument I hear for attending these ‘events’ is that “you can root for the good guy and take out your frustrations on the bad guy instead of your wife and kids.” C’mon. Any guy who beats his wife is only going to the matches to learn some new punches for when he returns home and finds that dinner isn't ready.Another popular excuse is they’re just good clean fun. Find me one thing clean about Hulk Hogan, who looks like he takes a bath, oh, about once every six months. By the way, yes, his mother does dress him funny.Just so I wouldn’t be aimlessly babbling about the WWF clowns, I decided to sit through a show on a recent Saturday. What I saw was a hoax. Mr. Hogan (smile when you say that) entered the ring,threw his opponent over the ropes, and exits the ring. Ten seconds into the match, it’s all over — technically.Then there was the obligatory 15 minutes of the Hulkster (Are you smiling?) daring his hapless opponent to venture back into the confines of the ropes. This didn’t sit well with Mr. X’s lady friend, who was rather vocal about her man’s safety. Guess you could call her a violent femme.Only one thing can match the stupidity of what takes place in the ring, and that is the post “fight interviews. This is the segment of the show where we are visually assaulted by the guy in the glowing checkerboard suit who looks like a used car salesman (and a bad one at that).He asks the questions that only those in the sports industry would ask. Here’s a favorite: “Gee, BruiserBob, how do you think your match with the Fabulous Toadstool will go today?Bob, a Rhodes scholar, sits back, ponders the question and only after much deep thought, answers Well you know, Tommy, my recent lobotomy had me out of the ring for a few days, so I’m out of shape. I just hope I get some good blocks today, and maybe I can score a few touchdowns.”Although they lead you to believe the opposite, professional wrestlers are the biggest wimps (besides Mr. T, whose mohawked mug has surfaced in the wrestling circuit recently).The public is only fueling their childish behavior, at 15 bucks a head, and helping to promote the juvenile antics of guys who are old enough to know better.Hulk, my dad can beat up your dad.
Newspaper Details
The Lantern
Baytown, Texas, US
Fri, Dec 06, 1985
Page 2
Full Page
Clipped by
Harold K.
CA 09 Nov 2023
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