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I AM COMING out today for over 100 per cent American earthworms, doomed to a horrid fate by foreign powers and some vile Quisings in our midst. Our resources are rapidly being dissipated, our earthworm economy strained, and for what? Three lousy little old duckbilled platypuses. Foreign duckbill platy puses. Is Australia unable to bear the burden of its own duckbilled platypuses? Must America forever ‘play Santa Claus to the world? Of course you simple peasants don’t know this, but one duck billed platypus in even fair health can eat 800 earthworms a day. You probably don’t even know what a duckbill platypus is. A d, bh. p. is a weird evolutionary joke. It has a bird’s bill, a beaver's body, webbed feet, a tail and it eats worms and lays eggs. It exists only in Australia, a conniving continent which, not content to flood our mar ital marts with war brides, now is trying to muscle in our earthworm stockpile. LOOK HOW the sinister plot is already at work. Somewhere in the Pacific is a ship, bearing these three spies and their earthworm larder is running low. An SOS goes up to America, the generous. Send earth worms, it says. Send 10,000 earth worms or we perishere we reach your land. Has one voice been raised to ask who ordered these foreign beasts, so decadent, so corrupt, that they subsist solely on 100 per cent American earthworms? Does Con gress know about this? No. Does the voting public know that it will take a minimum of 766,000 worms annually to maintain these duck billed platypuses? Who allowed the Bronx Zoo to order these odd fish, flesh and fowl? FOR MONTHS, an earthworm factory, using union labor, has been turning out vast quantities of in nocent, free born worms, deep in the ground under the lron house at the Bronx Zoo . While American chil dren weep because of the earthworm Shortage, and their bent ping rust, and their fishing poles warp, and American perch gaunted, this underground plant has been secretly tripling its production for the for eign market. Earthworms are being taken from the very mouths of American sun fish, that a Pauper platypus may gorge and grow fat on the fruits of American production. We have the atom bomb, already, and what do we need with duck billed platyguses? Is a platypus a tank? Is it an airplane? Can we ride it to work? Can we use it to lay autos instead of eggs? No, I say, a thousand times no! It cannot even work in the coal mines. All it can do is eat up our native riches, un equaled the world over, in the field of earthworms. MORE AND MORE, even before they arrive, these events of the Aus tralians are being felt in our econ omy. A special priority was ar ranged to fly the 10,000 worms, via Pan American, to Panama, there to meet the ship. I have it an excellent authority that a five-star general, a widowed mother, two orphans and an ex-GI with a dying cocker spaniel were bumped off the plane in order to make room for these doomed worms. The plan's personnel is standing on the alert with ice, to keep the worms from overheating. According to gossip, overheated worms mildew, a vicious slur on free American worms, which must have been in spired by a Fascist competitor for our trade. I deny it, utterly and ab solutely. Our worms do NOT mil dew when overheated. They per spire like you and me. Surely three duckbilled platypuses are not much to worry about you say? I answer, in a voice of thunder, that if we let down the bets this once we will be deluged by duck billed platypuses and they will soon be followed by koala bears, bandi coots, kangaroo rats and kooks burras. Our country will be swamped with foreign fauna, which will eventually destroy us all I beg of you, citizens, write your Congressmen immediately, (Wnilted Feature Syndicate)
Newspaper Details
Cumberland Evening Times
Cumberland, Maryland, US
Tue, Apr 22, 1947
Page 4
Full Page
Clipped by
Darcy P.
USA 17 Jun 2026
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