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GRIEF(Continued from Page El) Lynn Davidman s trouble set heron a quest.The 42-year-oid Brown University professor was 13 when her mother died of cancer, an illness that was so “hush-hush' in the 1960s that the young girl was left to puzzle it outon her own I was not a dumb kid. says the sociologist, who also teaches Judaic and women’s studies. “1 kind oi knew; what was unhameable?”The events that followed - Ms. Davidman's immediate rejection ofreligion, because what kind of Godwish that we were more accepting about death, that we talked about it more, that we prepared better as a society.”— Marcia Rouslin, clinical social workerit when they can't take away the illness.“I wish that we were more accepting about death,” she says, “that we talked about it more, that we prepared better as a society.Until we do, there is always the Internet.Yes, people are grieving in cyberspace“Grief Let’s Talk'is'.one of dozensMs. Fochler, tapping at a computer in her bedroom, offers comforting words to each participant.I make sure that they know I’m not a doctor, she says. It’s a room for love and understanding, for people to say what you want and nobody's going to criticize you.And sure, she says, it might be better to share with actual friends and relatives. But that has its problems, too.resulting alienation from her devout father and brothers - left deepwounds.• ■ •■ Ultimately, those wounds wouldof websites where people' can grievefor as long as they need to, and be soothed by the words of patient, empathetic people — strangers, it’s true, but no one seems to mind —“My neighbor's husband died.” she says. I went over there and talked5.to-her;-but it’s-really hard, because, you don’t know what to say. It’s so.much easier to be on the.mg'now—- §h lhVSSttgSfflttrtexperience of motherless children.In sometimes tearful interviews with 60 men and women, nearly all told Ms. Davidman that .they never' discussed their mother’s illness and ..death; Instead/they were instructed, to be tough,' to.have a stiff upperThey; reported feeling awkward :;abbufkihging;up^^sub}ertthenr’ selves, even with friends, because •they feared being singled out as different. And those held-in feelings . complicated their later relation;ships.' This, experts say,- is: the nub of-most problems with grief. ;• . • The grief-ridden person, is viewed as someone with a big -problem,” who just can’t get on with-it,” says Marcia Rouslin, a clinical social worker at Butler Hospital. ..... We don’t accept'it. It's a denial.. And I think that the.medical profession .feeds into it.. Medical schools - may be getting more enlightened - now; she says, but “the traditional training for doctors' was' that they ‘ were supposed to cure people. I’m ;. not sure they know how to deal withThe chat room was created by Ginger Fochler. a 36-year-old Orlando, Fla., homemaker. Ms. Fochler lost five people in the past six years, and turned to her computer for solace.. “Lost , a most , beloved Mom to ovarian, cancer few, years , back,” write? one' correspondehr ^Sfie' loyed .t o, readt: and. was so. .vibrant. ”Our little.boy died .March 10th of this year, he was only 2,” writes’another. “He just died suddenly- in his sleep from heart failure; His name is Chase.. My pain is real fresh but I have a good heart and want-to reach out to others that know how I feel, writes a third. “Strangers are sometimes kinder than old friends, when it . comes to dealing with my grief.While the Internet. may: offer these people a welcome outlet Ms. Hames says, it-also presents a risk: “Somebody who really needs Help and counseling may be getting some . inappropriate advice.: There’s a lot of pretend psychologists out there.”dwim^with -a 4oss^;Ms. Harries endorses the approach of a grief counselor named J. Willt; Ham Worden, author of. “Grief Counseling and Grief .Therapy, whose ideas have wide currency, y• ■ • 1 . • .9Mr. Worden identifies five '“tasks”;fdr moving through grief:. .Accept the reality of the. loss,: experience the pain, adjust to the environment from which the deceased. is missing, reinvest emotional, energy in another relationship . and memorialize the deceased.Airline's LowestSALE FARESCoach. Bus, H* Class faresFull air fTufenge - No ibortmStKeduW tight* - No hos^s^ SAUF4K DISCOUNTS up toUMPtf O/W baud an ft/TSUNDAY, APRIL 13™
Newspaper Details
Annapolis Sunday Capital
Annapolis, Maryland, US
Sun, Apr 13, 1997
Page 19
Full Page
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