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Defending The State Of MarriageHv Jl DV M WN.GTllN Lim-athe things that happens when you write a newspaper column is you get a lot of free books from publishers in the mail Some columnists get really good free books. Most of the free books I seem to get are about as readable as my geology textbook was in college An exception has occurred, however, in the form of a short book that arrived last week called “In Defense of Marriage/ which I opened and found I couldn't put dow nThe book. b\ Art ( arev, an• %• ~associate editor of the Philadelphia Enquirer's magazine, chronicles his odvssev from divorce after six years of marriage, through the singles scene, and onto his decision to remarrv, which stunned hisw ~friends Said a colleague, “You really blew it. You hadweverything going for youWhv did vou do it?* •He did it. he writes, because he believes in the institution. “My respect for marriage stems partly from a respect for tradition. Hut it also reflects my conviction that marriage has lasted as long as it has bec ause, by and large, it works. For all itsrights and perogatives.” He quotes a woman lawyer who(Commentmany imperfections, it is still the best arrangement people have come up with for structuring relationships, organizing family and kin and, as a married friend of mine put it. being the best you can beWrites Carey: “This is nowsong of repentance by a reformed rake When I was single, I was single with gusto, but for me the pleasures of bachelorhood never matched the pleasures of married life. In fact, m experiences .. only affirmed my belief in marriage and fired my longing for its quiet, subtle joys.Carey’s experiences areinterspersed w ith those of hisfriends and acquaintancesWe hear the voices of menwho say women don’t know*what they want from men anymore, or else they wanttoo much, and of youngprofessional women who saythey simply can't find men to loveSavs one womenitsworse than just a wasteland. It 's a No Man's Land.And Carey writes:“From what I saw when I was single. I d have to agree. At times, I was ashamed for mv sex w hen women told metheir horror stories.“No longer compelled to conform to the breadwinner ethic, many young men today have regressed. They have become boring, selfish Peter Pans, lacking character, spine and a sense of responsibility.”Carey suspects some of what has happened is the fault of the women’s movement which, he writes, has left men feeling “stripped of their traditionalsays the movement “backfired in our faces What women's liberation, and particularly the sexualrevolution did. was make women more vulnerable to predatory men.” jU Men, he feels, are particularly put off by the hard -nr harging professional w omen, and he quotes a male friend who describes them as women who “don’t want to be loved; they want to be promoted.”While more and more people are remaining single, Carey found through his experiences and those of his divorced and remarried friends, that the “joys of singlehood were atK)Ut as substantial as meringue ”In the end, Carey began wishing for a wife, which led him to examine why some marriages flourish and others fail. “One reason so many relationships and marriages founder these days is that people too often confuse love and being in love. When the newness wears off, when the passion cools, when fights occur and problems arise, they immediately assume love has died and begin plotting wavsto bail out with a minimum of carnage.”A universal trait in the successful marriages he found is that the couples have struggled to achieve together, “so that eventually the marriage itself emerges as a kind of lifetime accomplishment that they wish fiercely to protect.”Carey is a journalist, not a sociologist, so his book is free of jargon and full of people The result is a contemporary and provocative look at a very old question The book will ring true to young, single people who are living with the gnawing idea that there is more to life; to those who are struggling in marriages and wonder what they are accomplishing; to those who are working at it and succeeding There is nothing saccharine about it. It is personal, and often poignant, particularly when the men and women he has interviewed bare their pain, loneliness and frustrations.But it is a book that reaffirms what many menand women have discovered time and again across the ages: It is better to go through life with someone you love, than alone.
Newspaper Details
Herkimer Evening Telegram
Herkimer, New York, US
Wed, Jul 11, 1984
Page 4
Full Page
Clipped by
Art C.
USA 24 Feb 2022
Other Publications Near Herkimer, New York
Herkimer Democrat and Little Falls Gazette
Herkimer Democrat
Herkimer County Democrat
Herkimer County American
Herkimer Evening Telegram
