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‘Howard the Duck’ lays an atomic eggBy Michael BurkettThe RegisterWhile Movie Year 1986 is shaping up as one of the very worst in memory, it has consisted primarily of unex-ceptionally lousy movies — the kind that buzz around your face like pesky mosquitoes until they are slapped into oblivion and immediately forgotten.What the year really needed to make the history books was one unforgettable, studio-produced, mega-budgeted, Poseidon-sized disaster.A motion picture so ridiculously overproduced and underthought, so lacking in purpose, so appallingly bad that, decades from now, it’s title would be muttered in the same conversations as “Heaven’s Gate,” Dune,” “Inchon” and “Cleopatra.”Well, sound the horns, light the sparklers and cue the marching band, because “Howard the Duck” is here — and bad-movie historians could not ask for a more mallard-droit venture than this, (That, by the way, is the one and only duck pun you're going to find in THIS review.)There are rumors going about to the effect that this shocking mess is based on the late and much lamented Marvel Comics series of the mid-’70s. Created by writer Steve Gerber, the anti-hero of that cult-worshipped comic book was a cantankerous, stogie-chomping, nattily-dressed waterfowl from another planet, “trapped in a world he never made.”He was Donald Duck cross-bred with Groucho Marx and Jean Paul Sartre, and he introduced to commercial mainstream comic books a ’60s “underground comics” brand of surrealism, social commentary, political satire and what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here philosophy.The hero of this movie, on the other hand, is a midget in a bad duck suit who is FOREVER making lame duck jokes such as “No duck is an island” and (when he’s REAL mad) “No more Mr. Nice Duck.”Now, imagine a midget in a bad duck suit, minus the acerbic wit, irascible personality and down-and-dirty street smarts that separated Howard the Duck from the Saturday morning barnyard of cute and cuddly cartoon animals.A midget in a duck suit is arrested by security guards in the movie ‘Howard the Duck,’ which bears only titular resemblance to the Marvel Comics series of the mid 70s.carrying a $20-million-plus motion picture that has more dumb car crashes than “The Blues Brothers”; as many big, empty special effects as a half-dozen Indiana Jones ripoffs; and another one of those self-important superhero scores broken up by idiotic musical numbers written and produced by New Waver Thomas Dolby.Put it all together and what do you get? A migraine headache with Excedrin written all over it.To be fair, “Howard the Duck” doesn’t start its warp-speed careen downhill until after the opening credits. The film opens with the midget in tha bad duck suit on his home planet, Duck World, where he is relaxing with a beer in front of the TV. As the camera pans across his living room, we see posters for movies starring ducks (“My Little Duckling” starring Mae Nest and W.C. Fowls), duck magazines (Playduck) and duck family photos, and on the tube is a jock itch com-MOVIE REVIEWTitle: Howard the Duck.”Stars: Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones, Tim Robbins, Ed Gale and Chip Zien.Behind the scenes: Directed by Willard Huyck. Written by Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz. Based on the Marvel Comics character created by Steve Gerber,Playing: Now in Orange County.Rated: PG for mature language.mercial starring — you guessed it — ducks.Fine, you say. Let's get all the cute duck jokes out of the way so we can get on with the movie. But as the film progresses, it slowly dawns on you: The duck jokes ARE the movie.Oh, there's a plot, all right, but its only purpose is to pass the time until director Willard Huyck (who co-authored the screenplay with his wife, Gloria Katz) can think up some more duck jokes.The plot: A scientific mishap on Earth sucks the midget in the bad duck suit into space and hurls him towards Cleveland. Upon his crash-landing, he befriends budding rock singer Lea Thompson, the leader of an all-girl group called Cherry Bomb. As she seeks to help the midget in the bad duck suit solve the mystery of his appearance on Earth, the midget in the bad duck suit attempts to free Thompson from the clutches of her unscrupulous manager.Untold thousands of duck jokes, car crashes and tired special effects later, the house lights come up and we are left to go home and waddle in our own self pity. (That's another one of the movie’s duck jokes, not ours).What on Earth could producer George “Star Wars” Lucas have been thinking? How could he he have read this Huyck-Katz script, then looked at the midget in the bad duck suit, and said, “Hey! Let’s spend a bundle on this baby ... and let’s hire Huyck to direct it”?For those of you with bad recall or the ability to erase unpleasant experiences from your memory banks, Huyck and Katz are the husband-and-wife team who last brought us “Best Defense,” which landed at the very top of 1985’s most respected 10 Worst Films lists.If there is one positive thing to say about “Howard the Duck,” it is that the writers and directors responsible for disasters of this magnitude often disappear from the face of Hollywood, never to be heard from again. ,I just hope they don’t vanish before the REAL Howard the Duck can sue those big, hairless apes for defamation of character.
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