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Robert C. Reid Divorce, Trump style \Donald, Ivan a, and Marla.Are we having fun yet, or what?Sex in the skyscrapers. Fifty room mansions, big private jet airplanes, yachts the size of the QE 2. Poor Ivan a, her hubby having the locks changed at the Trump Plaza Hotel, telling her she is a major domo no mo’, repulsed like Leona Helmsley.And cheap.Is this guy cheap or are the papers making all this up?I mean, really! All Donald Trump is willing to sacrifice to toss Ivana into the Dempsey Dumpster of matrimony is a lousy $20 million bucks and a house that sits on half the acreage of the State of Connecticut. Says that’s the deal they made when Cupid smit him, but not so severely as to temporarily dim his brain cells, which is why he persuaded the former Czech beauty to sign one of the most imaginative documents ever dream ed up by the legal profession the dreaded prenuptial agreement.Now any fella who feels the need to make his true love put her Jane Hancock on such a piece of paper has to have at least three attributes most of us don’t possess: (1) a whole lot of money and toys of great value, (2) a devious, mean-spirited mind, and (3) not much faith in true, everlasting love.Anyway, for the first time in his life, Donald Trump has bounced a Czech. Ha, ha.Well, I got to thinking that being married for 13 years, a guy is well overdue for the seven-year itcb, especially when his ordinary flesh and blood gets hormonically unbalanced by a Georgia Peach with a chest the size of Jane Russell’s or, maybe, for you younger folks who have never seen “The Outlaw,” frontage comparable to Loni Anderson.After 30 years of being bonded to the same woman, and despite a hormone count now roughly as high as the grass on a golf green, I got to thinking maybe a little change of scenery with something like Marla Maples might be super fun.“So, Corinne,” I say, “how’s about I turn you in for a couple of 30-year olds?”“Be my guest,” she says, not even looking up from the Sunday crossword puzzle. “What’s the opposite of ‘fortis’?”Listen, I’m serious. I want a divorce. I want to run off to Costa Rica with a well-endowed 20-year-old bimbo.”“When you leaving?”“Look, I'll give you the same deal as Trump gave Ivana.”That got her attention. She quit trying to figure out the opposite of ‘fortis’ and put her pen aside. That’s why I retsUy want a divorce. I can't stand people who do crossword puzzles in pen and ink. Even if they have a bottle of White-out beside them.“You mean you’re going to give me $20 million and the house?” she asked, perking up more than somewhat“I didn’t say that” I said. “I said I’d give you the same deal as Donald gave Ivana. He’s worth about $2 bfllxon, so $20 million is about one percent of his total loot. About onepercent of my total worth I figure is about 75 bucks. So, Til settle with you for $75. After all, you don’t deserve to j;get any better treatment than Ivana *Trump.” 2“Well, big spender,” she says, “I 1get the house, too, right?” *“No, dear. Ivana’s just getting IONE house. Donald Trump has lots of bouses, plus a few hotels.’ ’ 1“Then what do I get?” she texclaimed. i“Well, you could have the shed out $back. I’ll clear out all the tools and lawn mowers and stuff. Maybe carpet it for you and wire it up for electricity so you can watch television and plug in a hot plate. Might even throw in a port-a-jobn. But I keep the house. You can visit it and my new squeeze, though, to take a Ihot shower once in a while.” *I even told her she could keep the ho at, which is more than Donald Trump will do for Ivana. Of course he’s getting a new 400-foot love boat to replace the little ol* 200-footer which he could afford to leave Ivana for midnight bubble baths on the Hudson in the gold tub with nymphette statuettes,“But we haven’t got a boat,” said Corinne.“Well, we used to have one, and if we still had it, I’d give it to you.” “Yeah, and I’d take it out and sink it, that old piece of junk.”Fine way for her to talk about a 15-foot luxury cruiser (slightly rusted) with a 40-horsepower outboard motor that worked, most of the time.Well, it was pretty clear that big-time divorce settlements from well-heeled journalists like myself didn’t impress my wife, so I flipped on the Daytona 500 to see grown men, obviously suffering from severe ] dementia, hurl themselves around a two-mile race track in Fords, Chevys and Oldsmobiles at 175 miles an hour for 500 miles trying to win a measly 220 grand. (Did you ever notice how « those cars look about as much like our Chevys, Olds and Fords as plastic spoons look like engraved silver service?). ^Well, you’d never find Donald fa Trump out there risking his billion y dollar buns for chump change. I read where he keeps $700 million in cash in * close proximity just for walking u around money and tips, and to pay p the fuel bill on his Boeing 727, another $ cheap toy he won’t even give to Ivana. aAll I say is this is a great way to ti kick off the ’90s with a story we all d can understand, appreciate and e enjoy.We’ve had Trump the hotel, Trump c the airline, Trump “The Art of the s Deal,” Trump the casino. Trump the s game, and now, the best of aH, TRUMP THE DIVORCE.America ought to be thankful.Here, in our very midst, we have a fellow citizen who brings to us America in all its decadent glory.Next: Trump the mini-series. Starring Michael Douglas as the T-Man, Morgan Fairchild as the Bounced Czech, and, oh, I guess, Kim Bassinger or somebody as the Georgia Peach. Produced by the Japanese, of course. i
Newspaper Details
News
Frederick, Maryland, US
Thu, Feb 22, 1990
Page 4
Full Page
Clipped by
Lynda B.
USA 10 Jan 2024
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