Winnipeg Free Press Newspaper Archives Jun 27 2015, Page 2

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Some people — and for the purposes of this column we’ll refer to them as “ women” — believe the only time men reveal their emotions is when something bad happens to a dog in a war movie, or when they witness a beloved professional athlete sustaining a “ lower- body injury” after being smacked by a puck or a cleated foot in a medically sensitive part of their anatomy to which we do not normally refer in a family newspaper. Well, I would like these people to know that I personally witnessed a group of men overwhelmed by emotion the other night after a tragic incident that will cause guys reading today’s column to shed manly tears in their morning lattes. This heart- rending tragedy occurred at the annual Scotch & Cigar Appreciation Evening held in my buddy Dave’s backyard, which is right across the street from my buddy Bob’s house. For the record, this is a magical event where about 60 guys stand shoulder to shoulder in manly clots and engage in two main activities: 1) Blowing cigar smoke into each other’s faces; and 2) Exhaling scotch fumes into each other’s faces. The way the evening works is that guys bring along bottles of expensive single malt whisky, which they place with great reverence on the “ sampling” table, which, by tradition, is also loaded down with trays containing chocolate- chip cookies the size of manhole covers in case someone needs a nutritious snack. Which brings us to moment wherein we were forced to confront our greatest fear and openly share emotions we might normally keep hidden. What happened was two guys, a father- and- son duo, arrived in the middle of the evening, sauntered over to Dave, and tapped him gently on the shoulder. “ Hi, Dave,” the younger member of the pair sniffed. “ I’m afraid we have some terrible news.” Dave frowned to indicate he was actually paying attention. “ What happened?” he said, bravely. Which is when one of the newcomers blurted out the horrifying news: “ We brought you a lovely bottle of scotch, but we dropped it in the front yard and the bottle broke and leaked all over the front lawn.” “ Oh no!” chirped Dave. “ Oh no!” chimed in the rest of us, because we realized this was the sort of catastrophe that, if not for the grace of God, could have happened to any one of us. It was clear the rest of the evening hinged on how Dave handled this heartbreaking news. Our host looked out at all the concerned faces, which wasn’t easy considering all the cigar smoke and mosquitoes wafting through the air, and, after a dramatic pause, declared: “ Well, I’m just glad it got a proper burial!” So, please, do not try to tell me that modern men are insensitive jerks and are not willing to reveal their inner child. I realize “ some people” might not grasp the deep pain associated with the accidental demise of a bottle of extremely expensive whisky. Let me see if I can explain it in terms everyone can understand: A Scotch and Cigar evening is the male equivalent of a baby shower, except instead of babies we shower love and attention on bottles of amber nectar. Now, imagine how terrible you would feel if you arrived at a baby shower, were handed a slippery newborn and then, through no fault of your own, with everyone looking on — WHOOPS! — the baby squirted out of your arms and landed on the buffet table. I think you get the general thrust of my metaphorical gist. What I am trying to say is this was a sophisticated evening filled with raw emotion. Female readers may be shocked to hear this, but we guys did not spend all of our time discussing professional sports. No, we also talked about college sports. Some guys even shared their feelings about power tools and imported sports cars, if you can imagine. When it was over, after Bob’s wife was kind enough to drive me home, I tried to prove to my own wife that, regardless of what some people might think, chivalry is not dead. What with being aware my wife’s sensitive olfactory system is capable of detecting cigar smoke at the molecular level, I politely removed all of my smoke- infused clothes and dropped them on the floor in the hallway outside our bedroom before climbing into bed. I sensed my wife deeply appreciated this thoughtful gesture, because she instantly rolled over, ducked her head under the covers and grunted: “ You stink!” You know, when it comes to sharing innermost feelings, “ some people” just don’t know where to draw the line. doug. speirs@ freepress. mb. ca Arts & Life E 1 Business B 6 Books D 21 Careers B 14 Classified C 14 Comics E 9, F 9 Diversions D 18, 19 Editorials A 14 49.8 D 1 Horoscope E 4 Jumble C 15 Miss Lonelyhearts E 4 Movies E 8 Sports C 1 Travel F 1 TV C 16 Weather C 17 . OBITUARIES A 31 In the event of any discrepancy between this list and the official winning numbers, the latter shall prevail. PICK 3 Winning number Friday was 837. EXTRA Winning number Friday was 3733195. LOTTO MAX Winning numbers Friday: 2, 4, 16, 23, 30, 32, 46. Bonus: 38. WESTERN MAX Winning numbers Friday were 1, 2, 3, 5, 16, 24, 35. Bonus 39. LOTTERIES BONUS DAY INSIDE Think men can’t cry? Try dropping a bottle of scotch In the Doug House Doug Speirs Weeping over a wee disaster The shattered bottle of single malt hopefully wasn’t this $ 17,000 1964 Macallan, but it would be traumatic all the same. Of course, what better to soothe the pain than a nice cigar? Tuesday, July 14, will be a Winnipeg Free Press bonus day to Saturday- only and Thursday, Friday, Saturday subscribers. A_ 02_ Jun- 27- 15_ FP_ 01. indd A2 6/ 26/ 15 10: 43: 44 PM