Pacific Stars And Stripes Newspaper Archives Nov 28 1982, Page 13

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Pacific Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - November 28, 1982, Tokyo, JapanSunday november 28, 1982 Pacific stars and stripes i Pacific sunday Baker dense Heads prevail at Pentagon Tully politics needs spice of Mccarthy viewpoint Russell Baker it s say you be got $25 billion on Handl and you want to drive the russians up the Wall. So you build say 100very elegant new missiles using All the latest gadgets. Everything state of the Art As they say. Don t ask me Why they say state of the you think a country that spends $25 billion on missiles and would t give Rembrandt $2.75 fora can of paint thinner would refer to missiles As the Art of the state but we Are speaking now about Washington people and Washington people tend to talk , you go for the 100 missiles and fit each missile with 10 thermonuclear bombs enabling you to hit As they say 1,000 targets. I could be wrong Here. Maybe they say flatten 1,000 targets. Bomb people habitually talk about flattening things although what they really do is dig huge holes or create immense piles of rubble but let s not get bogged Down in the rubble of bomb Lingo. Let s get to the s precisely what the nation s Foremost bomb thinkers said to me when they first outlined their predicament. We have an idea for driving the russians absolutely up the Wall they said and we need your i was delighted to lend them the service of my powerful brain. Ever since being compelled to read the Brothers Karamazov As College Sophomore i have had an irresistible urge to drive russians up the Wall. The Sota missile you must Call your magnificent new device the Sota missile i said noting that it was the acronym for state of the everybody isaid was tired of Reading about Salt talks and Start talks that came to nothing. Wit the new acronym the inevitable failure of negotiations could be freshened up with such headlines As Sota loses fizz and Sota goes , duller Heads prevailed As usual at the Pentagon and they called it the Why their answer in Case we Ever have to use these things we Don t wan some tabloid Wiseguy with no sense of dignity writing world goes up in Sota pop the trickier problem they tossed in my Lap was where to put the my missiles once the were built. Originally they had planned to install them on the Ocean floor but the Navy objected. If War broke out the Navy would have warships on the Ocean and with a flock of incoming russian missiles aiming for the a missiles on the Ocean floor a lot of Navy ships could get badly they planned to place them All Over the southwestern United states but sheepherder Sand mormons pointed out that a rain of incoming russian missiles aiming for our a missiles might destroy every sheepherder and mormon Between los Angeles and Amarillo depriving eight senators of their constituencies and possibly even of their seats. Quintessential american so you have come for advice on where to place these deadly missiles i murmured and lapsed into deep strategic thought. We must have a solution so quintessentially american that no american can possibly object pointed out. And what gentlemen is the absolute quintessence of America today the Cost overrun they cried As one. We must site the my missile in a Cost i smiled. The quintessence of America today is the six pack. Place you missiles in the easy to carry six pack and if you Don t let the russians have one without paying a Deposit they la probably return most of them after they Are used thus allowing us to Cut the defense general pointed out to his colleagues that while i was without doubt an utter idiot there was a touch of divine inspiration within me. Smiled calmly and sent them away. Of they would be Back All right. Packaging idea sure enough they returned. Our new siting plan for the my missile is called the dense pack " i was informed. By packing them Alvery close you need t say another word i said. Knew what they wanted to know now. What was the world s densest place the one place where you could pack things so closely together that everything could be compressed into space so infinitesimal that the most sophisticated russian missile could t find it the answer to your problem i told them is a new York City apartment. New Yor landlords invented the $3,000-a-month dense pack while you gentlemen were still monkeying around with the 20-Kiloton what an imbecile observed the general. Smiled and went out of town for a few Days. Returning this morning i was puzzled to Fin my spare shoes in the refrigerator until i noticed an assortment of Large cylindrical objects crammed into the desk drawer where i keep my wardrobe. It s a bit densely packed but that s All right. In new York dense pack is state of the . Times hear Gene Mccarthy i thinking of running for president again said one of the regular Fel 1 o w s Over his straight up Martini. That would be it turned out the remark was based on Idle gossip. But when Mccarthy promptly re turned my Call he had t changed bit. Ill run for anything but vice president he said probably through a Grin. So the Man is available and that s Good off beat news. It would indeed be fun for us Media rascals if Mccarthy tried again to climb Disraeli s Greasy he has always been the thinking Man s entertain has never been my particular cup of Tea because Idon t think he has a lot of staying Power and May not be sly enough to make a Good president. But his candidacy would add spice to a Andrew Tully race that has already broken fro the Gate. He could offer the voters glimpses of Candor. A Rule breaker that of course is living dangerously because people prefer a candidate who agrees with the about everything. But Mccarthy has always broken the rules. He has never come close to a serious run for president but he has preserved his individuality. Some of us would Call that a Victory an break out the Champagne. In Mccarthy we also have kind of Adlai Stevenson with brass Knuckles. Mccarthy is every Bitas erudite As Stevenson was Good night the Man writes poetry without Adlai s distaste for the peasantry in Masse and he has wicked left Jab. I recall the time a prominent labor Leader offered to lend Mccarthy a hand. This was a Guyana other presidential candidate would embrace but he Felt the flick of Mccarthy s left. Don t Call me said Gene i la Call is polite like the dowager who has just been propositioned outside a Pool Hall. Back in 1980, Mccarthy was asked if he liked Jimmy Carter. I like everybody i know Gen replied. You have to like such an endorsement did not appear prominently in the Carter Campaign brochure. It Wasa Little bit like a critic hailing an author s latest work As indisputably a Book. The Mccarthy humor is Adry cleaned version of the late Tallulah Bankhead s. That acid Ulous actress once put Down Amale reporter when he asked her if she d Ever been mistaken for Aman. No replied Tallulah have you asked by a female reporter if he was planning to divorce his wife Mccarthy Bowe gallantly. No a am he re plied your virtue is ambivalent voters Gene Mccarthy probably i unique. I know people who would t vote for him if he ran 100times for the presidency and yet who say they would be Comfort Able with him in the White House. He can be awfully wrong but he gives the impression of a Man who would reject the expedience of the rabble rouser. Mccarthy for president no very Likely. But when it was All Over most americans probably would decide it was Nice to have seen him in action Syndicate

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