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Ohio Cincinnati Weekly Times Newspaper Archives Feb 4 1986, Page 1

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Cincinnati Weekly Times (Newspaper) - February 4, 1986, Cincinnati, Ohio Va^ol. XLIII. TVo, 5,OITVOIIV1Vj^.TI, TK|:rJ»SI>jl.Y, FEBRTJ^HY 4, 1886, ftl Per Year. tf Iroo Fai(li. Í IT MARY I. SMIOnr. "Ton tel' 1 me that ^onr chihl ti dead. And j'^<’t yon irreet me with a smile. And left the touahine lioo<l vour rooms, And w fUh it ioni TOur grief beguiled’ "And whnot smilef If ^be had gone To dwe.b in snnny luir,' To gaze a>iK>n (hose pulaced elopes And ww'udcr by that tummer sea¡ •9 “Wonld Ii not joy to follow her In thouíAht benjsth tho.<o «lassle skiea, To note w..ith every chungiiig'sceno The rapytiro in her glad young eyesT "Yet with * my wingint Joy, alasl Alws'^ IV* l)r«v>'itng fear wonbi mate. Not kn wt*»g« cn along the way 6oui( aaB(U-‘les> woo might lie m wait; "But n air fute with love ensnbered, No evM tbllng Am work Its spell; Safe tallMii aned troin 111 ahe trends Thu ficlddt where living founUins well. "Then whW not smllo sn<1 open wide My wintLowa to the bU-aae t light. Since she flnrevermore abide# In timt faVr land tiiat Knows no nlghtr* ' irJoTKS AND NaWS. Discoveriev of gold are reported in Hamp* Iblrv County!, West Virginia. Buffalo (Ñd T.) cltTgymen, without regard tu creed,I are vigoreusijr opposing ere-lation. I The UniTerAlty Tross of Oxtord baa now ipphHiices for) printing books in KM lad-lages Mild di^lodta. It Is not easy\ now to sell a large London bouse, eycn in kbemoat i.«sirablo situation. Dll tcrm| lit all imtlaracbwf. It IS aaid that', Signor Tamacoo, Who is esteemeiiasooe oftlivgruatdst living ten* jiM, will visit Aiiiiericu next year. UuoT Key Wetit sixmgera are abandon-hig tbai business for uigiir making, wbicb Dey tbiuk will p^ve mure lucrative. A single looonliotive Weoently drew 141 Bars in a singie ti^uin across Louisiana, at in average rate of ten miles an bour. George J.noob Klohoiike wants a law passed lorbbiding Waiidhi.'ites for Parila* int to oouduct aig) canvassing whatever. llie German Cb^jceilor is suffering one >f the penalties oi. Igreiitness; a popular preparation for lecyding children is called ‘'Bismarck’s baby p« Uder.” Twenty thousand Jieuiids of salmon are Did ill London every!dar, on tbe average, three quarters of wUkih come from Scotland, and half the rest fr<;in Ireland. Frozen oranges iwe reared as tbe oause ^f soms recent sickness at Palaiks, Fia. the Herald of that idace says tbs poison In tbe poel is driven into the orange by tbe roet. The Organe drs Mines states that tbe iper rails now lieing mads «t St. Petersburg have proved to bo extremely durable, rbiie they cost ODc-thiid less than those lade of Steel.    * Sanitation is neoded in Japan. Aooord* [ng to tbe Traosaotioiis of its Sooiecy of iedloal Science, oueof itsoltiee—oontain-lug a population of 1,200,000—reporta a ^eath rate el W ner LOdO. The city fathors of Isqrnl, Tnoatan, de-‘ that tbe people were in earnest about liaving ibeir streets paved alter they bad BU given a tiu pan sureuade. Work was Bguo the next morning. Word oomes trom Slb->ria of the death of r. Weymsr, who was once tbe personal DCdlcal attendant of the present tzar, but ras senteiioed to exile 4«r oomplioity in be assassiuatiou of Mexzeneff. According to tbe report of tbs Surgeon leueral, there were only two cases of vario-oid and one of sniail|Mix in the United States army last year I; Vaooinatlon was parried out with groat regularity. Tbs young women of a C'onnectlout town bave organized "Toe .Tongue Guard.” ICucb metnlier drops a penny In a box |Vory time she says á word against any-ly. Tbe money is givon to the poor, man in Doddridge f|punty, Yirginis, sstisfled witb being aoousad of two riouies. two straw tHiiidt, two wives, who rere sisters, and witb :«eliig the father of Mneteeu children, has run off with a young To some men the matter of an inland Sea Sahara Is still a live Issue. An estílate Just raudo by a Frsnoh engineer puts c pi ob.,ble oust of making suoh a tea at 9.000,(100, the bulk pt the cost being in ^aiiui cutting. The late Dr. Henry Norman Hudaon, tbe phakaiieureuD subular, is said to have been man of marked iiecu^iarities. Ue oared lothing for opposing oplnione and would lot bavo hesitated to set bis oouvioUons [gainst tbe world. A Kansas real estate agent who located nu man on another fellow’s oisim was liken from bis bed by a party of men, |prsewbip|,ed, oonii>elleil to run barsfooted ‘ patcbes of oaotiis. and finally thrown Jto the oold waisis of Uuoknor River. A iwddler of Derby, Conn., fell into the f’uter tbe otuer da>v and would have frowned but lor the timely stsisianoe of |W3 young men. G'owing with gratitude, peildler opened bis paok and gave to III a lead Dcnoil i That was hie modest Blf-valuutluii. I Fitw inonaroiiB can boast of progeny so lustrious up King ('liriatlan IX, of Di.*n> jpirk. Five out of his six ohildron are liiii-ried Mifd bave families. Tbe eldest of eaub of tbes<.’fiiiullies sre the pros-rcilve monarchy of D.'iiniark, Oresoo, tbs -rilisli Empire, Russia and Hanover. A coucessinn hiia boon granted by the wies Goven ment to a firm of sleotrlcal ii'.'ineara at Geiicva for making a railway p Mount Selene, ma? that piaoD. The ne will be made with a central rack very milur to that oftlie Ku'bi line, the tootned f iiiion wliich works into it buiug driveu by 1‘iachiucry. Two men called up tlio teieeraph oper-lor at East Weymoutli, .Mass., last week, ud k'Oi him to go to ihe depot at midnight I order to send a telegram. As be eii-rod the station tlie men drew revolvers id dcniandod tlio money in the safe, now mg it tciiiponu ily (jontalned a lar<»e iiount. Quick as a i1 isb the operator hiniicd out a pistol and "got the drop” poll the would-be-rubbcrs, who fled lu •rror. In Oi-der tosetlte the question as to the •oper iruairaent for persons who have ‘,>en fiMzen, Dr. LuptobluKiki has made a Ties of Very careful exi>eriinentB upon igs. He found that, of twenty anímala caiod by the method of zrudual resiisoitii-011 In a oold room, fourteen perished; of leiily placed at ones in a warm room, Khtdieri. wu||e twenty put iiiirasiliatviy to a hot bath recovered quickly uud with, it accidcut. Salvation Oil, thscbea|H>st and best pain Its on earth. Fiisssiiiy 34 cents w bottle.A MISFIT MARRIAGE. TBANSLATKD FKOM THE QEBMAN. Frederick the Great was a very peculiar man. He was as full of eccentricities as a shad is of bones. Some writers who have studied his character very closely maintain that most of the time he was crazy. One of his pecnliarities was to stroll oat with a demure sort of a look ou his face and a rattan caue In his good right hand. All at once he would bend it, the cane, ont of snape around the iKirsous of such of his loving subjects as he found loitering or loafing. All such were positive that he was a little out of his mind, and should be locked up in an asylum for the feebleminded. Frederick’s great hobby was his regiment of pa'nts, of which he was as proud as if he was thoir parental ancestors. It was the opinion of His Majesty that marrying his giant soldiers to women of similar stature a race of giants would be the result. The wishes and feelings of the parties thus mated were never taken into consideration, consequently many of the marriages entered into at the instigation of Frederick were not satisfactory to anvbody except himself. One day Frederick was taking a ride on • horseback in the vicinity of Potsdam. He was then quite an old man. Not far irom the road was an object that attracted liia attention. At first he thought it was a haystack, for it had tliat shape, but he was not quite sure of it, as haystacks were not in tlio habit ot moving. The object moved. Fredrick rode up to it, when to his utter ainazcineut, the object was transformed into the biggest woman he ever saw. Her resemblance to a haystack was due to her position. She was betiding over digging potatoes. As she stood up she shut out from the view of the King, a vast quantity of blue sky. In fact, the King, who had dismounted, was almost frightened as he looked up at the giantess. She seem(Ml to be about seven or eight feet tall but well proportioned. She held her apron with one hand, while she allowed the potatoes, witb which it was filled, to drop into a large basket by her side. With her left hand she wielded a shovel with as much ease as if ii had been a toasting fork. She had fiaxen hair, and a face as round asa full moon but there was a merry twiuklo in her blue eyes that iudicaled much mother wit. “What are you doing there ?” asked the King. “Can’t you see for yourself? I’m digging iHitatoes. Did you think I was playing on the piano ?” “How old are you, sissy ?” “I was seventeen vcars old on my last birthday, hubby “Only seventeen f It hardly seems possible that you should Itave' grown all that distance iu such a short time.” “Well, I did, and I did most of it by myself, too, altliough I had a good start. You are a polite gentleinan. you are, to ask a lady her age. If 1 was to judge of your age by your size I’d say that you hadn’t been’ weauetl yet, although yonr face shows that you were not born last week.” The King, wlio was not accustomed to this sort of talk, was angered, but recollectiug that this peasant girl had no idea of his identity, he smiled, and regaining his gcod humor continued the conversation. “You amuse me, little one. You are not married, I suppose?” “No, and 1 dou’t expect that I will have a chance to got married for the next hundred years, or, at least, until the «Id King jiogs out The way that old sinner holds out is gcandalous. Ue takes all the men of any size and puts them in his big overgrown regiment at Potsdam. You ain’t going to propose to me are you, now tliat you are talking about marriage ?” “No, not just yet; I am too young.” “If yon are matrimonially inclined I was going to recommend roy grandmother. She is a widow about your age. She was 103 last summer. She is just the kind of a frisky young thing you need to soothe declining years. She is a daisy at fryiug pancakes.” A happy thought flashed through the monarch's mind. “Look here, little one, I want you to take a note from me to a gentleinau in Potsdam, Hero is a thaler i .‘your trouble," and taking his notebook Frederick tore ont a Icnf, wrote a ♦ow lines, and handed the note, with his ring, to the giantess. “You take this note aud ring to the Colonel of the Guards, at Potsdam, anti tell him tliat the gentleinau who gave it to you said to bo sure and carry out the instructions contained in tlio note.” “All "Iglit, sir,” she said, taking the money and the note; “do you want !U(? t(? lift y(?u back iuto the euddlc, old man ?’’ '‘No, I thank yon, little girl,’* replied the King, mounting his horse. As he rode olf she called after him: “Ho caretul, bnbby. that you dou’t spill yourself olf that big liorso.” Tlio King rode oil’ amiling. Ho was uifdor the iniproHsion that he had done something very shrewd. The giantess possibly suspected that the old gontlQiiian on horsebark was playing some trick on licr. It is also possible that she opened the note and read iU It is not altogether impossible that tlic sly piece know ail the time that she was talking to His Majesty, and her ignorance was altogether assumed. Who can tell what a woman knows or don’t know ? At all events she made np her mind not to deliver the note. As it happened an old woman, bent and wrinkled with age, came down the road. The giantess motioned to her to approach. “Good morning, Grandmother Shippel, do you want to earn a thaler ?” Did she want to earn a thaler ? That was more mouey than the p*bor old creature had seen at one time in years. She took the ring and note and hobbled oflTin the direction of Potsdam at a rate of speed that was astonishing in one so aged. The giantess looked after and then throwing back her head she laughed so loud that a peasant plowing ill a field half a mile distant paused in his work, and looked to see what was the cause of the atmospheric ooiicnssions. As for the old woman, it was not long before she was ushered into the presence of the Colonel of King Fi ed-eriek’s regiment of the guards. He was a man of immense size. After he had read the note aud examined tiie ring, he rubbed hU eyes, looked down at the shriveled up little old woman, passed his hand over his perplexed forehead, re-read the note and seemed to be more perplexed than ever. The King’s note read as follows: “Have ilte bearer married at once to the tallest man in your regiment. You are directed to carry out this order witliout fail or delay, aud the slightest deviation will incur iny displeasure. “Fbedebiok William I., Rex.” “This is something extraordinary,” soliloquized the Colonel. “How Jthie marriage is going to promote His Majest^s intentions in rogaixl to tlie future race of giants passes my com- Erehousioii, but tliat’s none of my usiness. The King’s word is the law. Orderly 1” The oi’derly advanced, sainted and came to the position of attention. “Order Corporal Bchmock to report to me at once; also the Chaplain of the regimeut.” The Corporal entered; he was the biggest man in the regiment When he was informed of the order of the King he stamjied bis foot, that is, in-wai-dly, for no outward signs of iu-subordination were allowed. As for the aged bride, at first she seemed to hesitate, but finally she chewed the border of her apron and expressed unwillingness to thwart the wishes of the King. She was extremely willing to conciliate Uis Majesty, no matter to how much persoual incon-votiieuce she might subject herself. The Chaplaiu of the regimeut came in, and in ten minutes Corporal Schraoek and Auua Shippel wero made oue. After denying himself the pleasure of salutiug the bride, Corporal Sciiniock hastened to the nearast saloon, and in an inci*edibly short time he was iu the guard house, as druuk as a lord. A few hours later Frederick rode into the court yard of the barracks. Ho dismounted and was raceived with the usual honors by the Coloucl. “How is Corporal Schmock coming on as a married man r” “Ho is in the gnard house, may it please Your Majesty.” “What has he been doing ?” “He got drunk as soon as the marriage ceremony was over.” “Release him. His young wife will naturally fed lonesoino.” “Did I undersWind Your Majesty to say *vouiig wife?”’ “Of course; she says she is only seveuteeii.” “I am afraid Your Majesty has been deceived, but possibly she meaut to say sovonty-ono. She looks to be at least that old.” “Then she must have aged very much during the last lew^ hours. Bring her in. The aged dtmo was led iu. She was very much embarrassed aud was ready to sink Uirough the floor, particularly when her eight feet of husband was also brought In. Ho hurled himself on the floor with a mighty prononess and besought the king to have him court martialod and put him out of hii misery, |>oiuting sadly to his votierabie bride, who, like the daughter-iu-Iaw-dect of the Mikado was “simply appalling.” Koko’a disti'css was mild comparad to tlio mental anguish of Corporal Schmock. The King langlilngly remarked that it was plain that there was a limit to his power, told the wraichod young husband that ho would be allowed to procure a divorce. As ior the glantchs, the King allowed her to dig potatoes iintuoleslcd. The incident opened hie eyes to the fact that there w as a limit to the pow’er of even the groat Fradorick.—[Texas Siftings. Qf >o Con9equ<*iioe. (N. Y. Worl l.l Victoria “regretted that she had been comiMjlletl to declare war against King Thcobaw ot Burinali,” but the unfortuiiato KingThcobaw’s feelings on the same subject were not deemed worthy of mention. OoihI li.^xuiation. Maryland lSi{i«Intors have, in common ffilh health oflloiaU of Urouklyn, rnilailel. I'hla, B kltlinsre and other oitios, indorsed the new disoovory. Red Star t'ouah Cure, lieoause it contiiiiia no niorphiii or opium, and always uurso. Tbe price is only 25 csuU. Genalne Antosr.tphs. [Detroit Free Prea.] A man came to Little Rock several days ago for the purpose of starling a daily newspaper, bat as he lost all his money under such sounds as “card twenty-one” and “aoe of spades,” he was forced to sell his jewelry. At last he was driven to such extremity that ho ofierad to sell Bismarck’s autograph. He said that he would take |10 for the card which bore his signature. Ue liatcd to part with it, but he saw no other chauco of getting mone)\ “I don’tccare for Bismarck’s signature,” said a gentleman, “lor I believe in patronizing home institutions. Now, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I am colleutiog the autographs of well known Arkansas men, and I’ll give you $5 for the signature of the Secretary of State. He Is very peculiar, and has often refused me, but by [ler-sistence you may get it.” The man said tiiat he would try. Ho went away, and after au hour had passed he returned. “Did you get it ?” “Oh, yes.”~ “Did you have much trouble?” “Considerable. He swore at first that I should not have it, but I went to work ou him in earnest, and at last ho yielded. Here it is,” handing the geiitlenian a card. “Now let me see Bismarck’s signature. Ah I” he added when the great German’s “fist” was shown him, “his handwriting resembles that of our Secretary.” “That’s a fact, there is some resemblance.” “Are you sure the signatures are gemiiuo ?” “Oh, I know they are. You may have both of them for $15.” “Cheap enough.” “Dirt cheap. What do you say ?” “As I said before, I don’t care anv-thing about Bismarck, but if I knew the ^cretary’s autograph to be gctiu-inc. I would buy it.’ “I’ll swear it is genuine. Why I saw him write it” “You may be honest, but somehow I su8|)ect you.” “Why so?” “Because I am the Secretary of State.”_ A Man Wicit a Ouod Memorj. [Albaar Jouraal.] A remarkable man is O. F. Brown, of Hamilton, Mass., a meml^r of the Legislature of that State. Although tbe House has been iu aes^ifnti bat a few days and the members number nearly 250 he knows ovcty ono by name, and the city or town which each represents. He is just as familiar with the nathes of the men who represent the smallest cape or hill towns as he is with those from the cities. His pcuuiaiiship is flue ami would do credit to a professor of art. The most remarkable feature of his skill in the-use of the pen is the fact that he can write with equal facility in the natural way and also by writing the words upside down. Taking a given name, he can write it, beginning with the last letter of tlie name aud continuing to the first, and writing, each letter upside down. When writin'g in this peculiar manner, he preserves the samq graceful flourishes that ha uses when writing in the ordinary way. Ho takes some pardonable pride in sIiowBig a book containing a perfect list of jthe members of the executive and legislative branches of ti» State Goferuinent, written entirely from memory, witli-out reference to any otherjlist. Not only are the names written,¡but every town and city residence if correctly recorded. Every word was written backward, from right to lef^ and bottom side up, and beginning always with the last letter of each Word. The title >age is a beautiful specimen of artistic [Minmanship in colors, aud was written iu the same mauifor as tbe rest of the book. AdJiistinie mn liioompatlbilitjr. [Pall Mall Gazetts.] i An unusual advertisement appears in a Vienna newspaiter; “A respectable married con pic, of whoti tbe husband is no dancer, desires to make the acquaintance of an e<;[uall]p respectable couple where the jvife is no dancer, in order to visit balls in company.” Wliat could be moto practical than this wayof adjustiilgaslight incompatibility? The two| couples --supposing at; agreement to bo como to—will attend an evening party; there will be a mutual exchange of husbands and wives for a few hours; the dancers will dance and the non-dancers will chat, and so there will bo satifactioii all round. The arrangement looks a charming ono. Tlin Sulian of Turkey. [Fortnliditly Magazine.] Abdnl-Hutnld, the Snltah of the Ottoman Einpirc, is a most high and puissant inonurcli. His will is law, and liis nod is doalli. He has many palaces; ho rules despotically over a vast empire; ho makes quantities of Pashas cross their fawning hands whenever ho looks at them; he has the power to do anything to any ono ol his faithful subjects—except recall him to life after ho has kided him. But social power ho has uono. His life is [lassed iu an endless round of official drudgery, nay, positive servitude. Each minutest detail of business, from the highest visions of diplomacy down to the opening of a new coffee house on the shores of the Bosphorus, passes through his august hands; and each incident of every transaction forms a focus of intrigues which, in their conglomerate mass, it wonld take twenty bultans with a hundred times Abdul-Hamid’s power to disarm and defeat. What time, therefore, can he have to 8])are for society? The Commander of the Faithful may be seen any week as he goes to his Friday’s prayer. Then, before the gaze of an adoring populace, throngh lines of splendid ti'oops, crowds of brilliant aids-de-camp and Pashas, fair veiled ladies, braying brass bands aud screaming dogs, there passes a thin-faced, long-nosed, grizzled-bearded palé man in a half-closetl carriage, nervously fluttering his hand iWfore his face by way of salnte and rcociving the low salaams of all in return. He liurries into the mosque, scarce giving himself time to throw a half-frightened glance round, and so is lost io view before he can well be seen, Wlieii one considers why that face is so worn and pale, why those hands are so nervons, how the heart behind that blue military oout must be beating like a roll of drums, one feels grateful that one is but a private individual, and not His Imperial Majesty the Bultan Abdul-ilamld II., living as he does in perpetual fear of assassination. The liead of the state neither caring nor daring to assume his position in society, no other Tnrk essays the role of social leadership. Not only might such an attempt cause him to be unfavorably regarded by his sovereign, but tlie Turk has neltlicrby temperament nor custom any inclination to mix in £uro[>eaa society. He is a quiet, sober, reflective creature, who, after his day’s work, likes to return to his house, put on his old slippers and his old roat, and, after his evening meal, devote himself to ooutomplative smoking among his women folk and children. Or, it bo is in a more social mood, ho will perhaps invito some of his intimates to smoke, and chuckle over childish stories with them iu the outer chamber. Again, he can not return hospitality; the harem system puts that out of the question. Finally, he likes to go to bed and to rise early —habiU incompatible with social duties.___ _ Badyk Paalia. [New Torit Tistes.] A telegraphic dispatch from St. Petersburg late on Thursday night brought the intelligence that Michael Czaykowski, better known under the name of Sadyk Pasha, a General in the service of Turkey, had oomiulttod suicide. No details of the act were given. Tito career of the dead man had been an extraordinary one. Ho was born in Podolla, Poland, about 1808. He grew up with an equal liking for literature and the military. While quite young he attained some celebrity as a poet and novelist, and in 1831 he won renown and the title of General by fighting against Russia. Some years later he went to Constantinople to reside. His surrender to the Russian anlhorilios was formally demanded, and to avoid being given up he, in 1851, adopted the Moslem religion and assumed the name of Moliammed Sadyk. During the war between Turkey and Russia, in 1853-5, he had the rank of Pasha and commanded a corps of the Turkish army. Subsequently he was military Governor of Bucharest. In 1872 he quitted the Turkish service, aud obtaining permission from the Russian Government to return to his native country, ho took up his residence in Kiev. The Czaykowskis are an ancient and princely family of Poland. The dead man’s literary productions have been translated into several European languages. StiMEO ^blPM. IChloAg» News. I The employment of babies upon the stage often leads to funny situations. Efflo Ellsler tried the ex|>erimont the other day in New York, and she now prefers rags aud sawdust. Marc Klaw thought it would add to the realism of the second act of “Woman Against Woman” to ehiploy a live baby instead of a dummy, and so the property man furnished a practical piece of “pro[>ertv” in the shape of his infant. In the second act the baby has to bo ono the stage in a cradle, and on the first night it was puton asleep. As it was its first appearance, Miss Ellsler and her husband had to qi'*"t down their very important scene for foar of waking tho sleeping babe, and so the fine of-tcct of tho act was complotoly lost. In tho fourth act, however, it is supposed to dio. Miss Ellslor camo ui>on tho stage heartbroken ovor tho loss of lior child, and was moving the audience by her grief, when suddenly from tho death chamber camo a lusty veil from tbo most unmistakably live, baby that ever existed. Tho griof of tho Rudionco was turned to howls of laughter. __________ Tbore are niuot.<eii inctulB more valuable tliau Rold. blit no reinedv which will com-p:ire with UlKelow’s rosllive Cure for uouKhs and colds. A prumnt and plensunt eure for all throat aud lung Uoubles. 59 cents and |1. Itasaolne a OalT. I Detroit Free Press.] A yearling oalf, who hung down his head in the meekest manner, and whose large eyes seemed to be chuck-fal of sorrow over some calf-calami-ty, was in a yard on Second avcnne the other day, when along camo two young Buffalo Bills. They had lassos made of stolen clothes lines, and they had been practicing on every hitch-ing-post for half a mile around. As soon as    they saw    tho caif they realized    that they    had struck a bonanza. Here was a living,    breathing    thing to practice on, and they lost no time in going to work on tiiat imaginary buffalo. As tho calf stood stock still it was no great feat to throw tlie nooses over his head. The trouble was to get them off again. As the slip knots tightened the calf backed off and littered the most dolctul bawls, and he seemed so utterly meek that ttie boys climbed the fence to secure their ropes. The caif backed oft’ until he had them twenty feet from the fence, and then a sudden change took place all over him. Down went hifl liead and up went his tail, and the first boy hadn’t quit rolling over and over when the second followed after. They got up to go down again, and the calf had both of them nicely cornered when a ¡icdestriau rushed iu and turned the scale. “How did it happen ?” he asked. “We t-took him for a b-buffuiol” howled one. “And I’ll n-iiever hunt another 1” sobbed the second. “I’m going right home and trade off my bowie knife for a rat trap, and if anybody’ll buy my pistol I’ll sell it for half a dollar. Mister, do yon thiuk we’ve been mor-fully injured?” The pedestrian thought that internal injuries might possibly “set in” in case they were out much after dark, and they limped away with white faces aud tearful eyes. TUej Rcxlly Wanted Tea. fWashinKton Star.] “Tea for two,” said ono of two strangers mMio had just taken seats in one of the Capitol restaurants. The order was given in a commonplace sort of tone, and the waiter was puzzletl. He looked at the stranger for a momout—a comical, inquiring look, but recoivod uo respousive glauce of intelligence. The young men waited fur their order. Tho waiter turned, then hesitated again, and finally went up to the counter and gave the order in a hard, stony lone: “Tea for two I” Then he turned his head away to avoid the faco of the man behind the counter. “Tea?” repeated that gentleman inquiringly. Then ho waited for some look or word of response. The waiter move<l not a muscle in his face, and the man behind the counter stood looking first at him and then at the strangers, who, unconscious of anything out of tho ordinary, were engaged iu conversation. “Hot or cold ?” finally gasped the bewildered head waiter, standing with ono hand on the knob of the “ice box” and the other on tho rope of the dumb waiter that leads to the kitchen below. “Hot or cold ?” cried tho waiter turning to tho stranger. “Oh, either I Only don’t keep us waiting all day,” was the youug man’s impatient rcsiionse. The confusion of the man behind tho counter and the waiter was only increased by this reply, and the two strangers began to get interested. The waiter looked as if he would like to run, but finally recovered himself, and called out “Hot tea for two I” au<i let go tho door of the “ice box." Howidls* Iiifxporienoe. ÍN. Y. Tribune.] While W. D. Howells was a youug man living in Colnmbns. and ou the eilitorial force of the Ohio State Journal, he wrote a poem which was published in the Atlantic Monthly. In due time* there came a chock in payment for tho poem, which was among the earliest literary productions of Mr. Howells, before ho bad turned his thoughts toivard the field of prose fiction. The check was highly prized in itself by tho young poet, but did not fill the full measure of his aspirations, for shortly afterward ho domandcd of an intimate friend, with much difiidciico but great oaru-estiicss: “Jim, when you have a check for some niuney, how do you get tho cash tor it?” The intricacies of this financial operation being explained, the amount of the check was ilcpositcd to his credit in tho bank. Tho money was not destined, however, to form a part of Mr. Howells’ ultimate estate, for shortly afterward he again repaired somewhat ombarrassod to hi.s moro practical I’rieud, aud asked, iu a quandary: “jlm, when you have got some money in tho bank, how do you get it ont again ?” Since that time Mr. Howells has had little difilirulty cither in gutting inuuey iuto or out of tho bank. Dr. I’iorco’s "rulleu”—lao nri|{inal "Lillis Livui rill*" (■iurar-coaUHiy-cure sick ami bilious iisaOuuho, sour sioniHuti sod bilious utuuks. By Ui uxgtsts« What’s the Odds? ST ZKXA a. orrzs. Pm not St all srMaaratfo; Th« Upper Ten’s a avth to me; Mr lack of mentioB is émphaUo In "Doings of SoctetT." My doorest friend’s s hand on Iae«*; 'rbe zrocer’s wife exchonsea no<t8; I’m Uonlitful where my social place is— Bat wkutfs ihe oddsr Mr lover, on the block adjacent, Diapensea pills from six to eight. With looks serene sod mind complacent^ 1 fenr his eamlnrs sre not great; Indeed, I hsve a dark siisplcTon lie slu among the g liery goda To cut the figure of admiseion; But what’s the oadst We take in deeuest of contentment A Stroll adnwn the svenne; We see without the lea-t reaentment Th • splen<lors of the farurml few. We. in our turn, hold rank and station; Tollers with scrublung-pnila and tiods B/e os with awe and isdniirsUon; So what’s the odUsT I’m happy In a gown mnde ever; He’s tollf in s salt worn rough; I wonld not have n grander lover; He thinks hii sweethe:trt flue enough. We’re light of liesrt without a penny; Nur tune, as on it oold jr plo<ls. Can bring a greater liooa iw sny— So what’s tho o<ldsf CURRENT FUN. Never look a gift horse in thf mouth. Sell him for what you cai get, and let the other fellow* look.— [Puck. “Say, waiter, this beefsteak looks aa if it had been hammered ou an anvil." “Yes, sir; we buy it by the pound.”— [Boston Budget. Fogg affirms that billiards resemble matrimony, inasmuch as kisses and 8craicl»8 áre ooiiiinon to both.— [Boston Transcript. Men don’t always mean what they say. A hotel man may holler “front,” but yon may find your room overlooks the back kitchen just the same. —[Lowell Citizen. In German ai-my cireles a soldiei is obliged to write home to his wife once every month. This is one of th« terrora of military life to the Teutons. —[Burlington Free Press. The man who throws ashes on hit sidewalk is the sort of a man who, when he is transformed into an angel, won’t have any of the ashes blown into his golden U'umpet.—{Fall Rivci Advanoe. The Government of Toola is responsible for a large proportion of the misery suffered in this country. Throe thousand men are ooustauUy employed in making accordions, moat of which are soot here.—[Dansville Breeze. Customer (in restaurant)—Here, waiter, a sirloin steak, well done. I’m iu a big hnrry. Walter—Is you in a hurry ? Customer—Yes, yes. Waiter —Dell why not take dat steak rare ’stead o’ well done, if yo’ is iu a hurry, boss?—[N. Y. Sun. “The craze caused by *The Mikado’ and other .comic operas shows that Sir Arthur Sullivan is a great composer,” remarked the Dramatic Editor. “Oh, I know a much greatei composer,” replied the Snake Editor. “Who ?” “Chloroforni.”—{Pittsburg Chronicle. “Here, what are yon doing with ray new Japanese screen ?” inquired Mrs. Tuffboy of Jimmy. “Oh, I’m goin‘ to make it useful. See how smooth it is. I can make three first-class toboggans out of it, aud you can have tiie hinges to start auotiier screen.” —[Hartiortl Post. “Some infernal old idiot has put my pen where I can’t find it,” growled old As])erity this morning as he rooted about his office desk. “Ah—ah—yes; I thought so,” he continued, In a milder tone, as he hauled the writinir utensil from out behind his oar.—[Chicago Telegram. “Oh, our teacher, Miss Jones, isa perfect amaf/Oii,” remarkinl a pupil ol a South Side public school, while conversing with a friend. “Yes,” assented the second party, who was better read in geography than in history. “1 kiT» uoticed that she lias an awful big moath.”—[Chicago Telegram. It is announsrd that Genera) Hustcd, while aeting Speaker of the Now York Assembly, “wears thres diamonds and a dress coat.” Unless the building is well heateil it may occur to some pcrsous that he would find three diamcnds and a long iilstei more comfortable. It would loci' K'ttor anyway.—(Norristown Herald. Proposition to Coin Cotton B«le«. [Mobile UeKilter.] The Confederate Govcniment issued bonds based m cotton, and thosi bonds were oonsidcrcd in England very cholee nirreiicy. Why not, just now when cotton is rather low and sick, let tlie Government buy up the whole crop at 12 cents a pound, aud issue cotton money? It would bo an extremely popular act. Indeed, it would be so well rocoivotl from Ohio to tho Gulf that tho ]>eoplo would oarucRtly )>etition tho Goverumeiit to go on coining cotton bales Indefinitely. What is fair for cotton should be equally fair for tobacco aud other products. 1 was troubled wtm rheutusiitm for six* teen years, and n* a last resort iru d Alh-lophoror. ÜU8 bottie almoet cun-d me. I oau reuomniemi It to any ouesuffi rin* wita that (llseiise *t a verr valuable remedy. Joetpb Kelly, Lafuuda, G.

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