Cincinnati Weekly Times (Newspaper) - April 15, 1986, Cincinnati, Ohio .jrvo. 15.CIXCIV1VA.TI, 'THUItSDXY, 15, 1880. l?er Year, Silent Sounds. BY NELME W. M’VEY. Yon do not hoar it? Unto me The sweet low soiinti coincs carelessly; And, floatiiiif, floods the earth and sky With teiiiU r tone. \ on do not hear the V»;Htlc«s beat Upon tlie floor of childish feet— Of feet that tread the flowery street Of heaven alone. At morn, at noon, at eve, at night, 1 hear the patter, soft and light, And catch the gust of wings, suow white, Aliont toy door. And on the silent air is borne The voice that from iny world was torn—> That left me, comfortless, to mourn, For everinorc. Sometimes floats uii from out the street Tlie boyisli lancliter, biro-like sweet— 1 turn, foieetfudy, to greet, Mydarlini: fair; Soft as iheriimle of the stream, Brcezi' kissed btiiealli the moon’s pale beam, How strangely real doth it sceml And he hot there. Ah, no; you can not hear his call; You catch nolaogli, nor light footfall; 1 am his mother—that is all; Anil Ho who said, “1 wiil not Icarc thee losolate,” Has, somehow, loosed the bonds of fate And left ajar the golden gate Wliich hides mv dead. NOTES AND NEAVS. Francis Mtirpfay is at Tiffin, 0. J^lrs.Ole Hull is ill with pnoumonia. Cornelius Vandei bilt has arrived In Paris. Will. Oarletoii, the poet, Is roaming in Florida. The iSlandard Oil Company is preparing to invade Russia. Robert Buchanan has diamatlzcd Fielding’s “Tom Jones.” Queen Victoria visits Liverpool in May. 8be iRStsaw it in 1851. A Chinese bank note 3,284 years old is in the museum at St. Petersnurg. An Oglethorpe, Ga., rai mer has tilled a buxom turnip of seventeen pounds. Tennyson has been in great distress over tbe sickness of his second son, Lionel. Mile. Rhea finishes lier season June 20, and will immediutcly sail for Europe. 8am. Jones will be in Baltimore on the first Sunday in .May to remain for a month. Tbe Dominion Guvennueut spent$COO,000 last year for food and supplies for Indians. An autograph collection owued by F. J. Dorer, of Puiladelpbiu, is valued at $100,-000. A man in Putnam, Ga., ships butter to New York and gets forty cents a pound for it. Twenty-four tons of snuff have been thrown into Dublin bay for non-payment ol duty. Fannie Davenport has gained sixty-five pounds in weight since going to Atlanta, Georgia. lir. and Mrs. Blaine visited Bar Barbor, Maine, last week to inspect their new summer cottage. Robert T. Lincoln Is to bring & suit to compel the State of Georgia to pay Its repudiated bonds. A new flagstaff on the Grand Union, Saratoga, is eighty feet bign and weighs nearly three-quarters of a ton. D. M. Moffatt, the Railway President, Is worth $3,000,000. He started in life as a newsboy !n Denver, Col. Sam. Small is a backslider, be is reported to have taken to chewing gum since be has given up cigarette smoking. A Newfoundland nog was left in a Wall street brokerage oifiue last week as collateral lor a fiver in tbe market. Tbe deatn rate of Cairo, Egypt, has been frightful this year. In January it was sixty per 1,000. Bad water is believed to be the cause. His wife is the only nursa Mr. Gladstone has when his health is broken, and be gives himself into her bands with the docility of an infant. A Chinese student In the junior class at Tale nas received the right, by scholaetio merit, to be one of the eight speakers selected for tbe exhibition next month. Charles Dudley AVarner has returned from Mexico to New Orleans, where be will deliver five of tbe Tuiure University lectures on the “Relation of Literature to Life.” harnee Irvine, the latest California millionaire t« depart for another world, leaves hut one son, now eighteen years old, who at twenty five will Iriiicrit the entire estate, valued at about $8,000,000. Rubinstein has been cfTered $100.000 for a •cries of 100 concerts in tbe United Siates; but he says he sufiered so excessively from ■ea sickness the last time that be will never cross tbe Atlantic again. The number of telephones now in the United States is 325,574, while in Great Britain there are only 1^000. In other words, there arc over twenty-five telephones in the United States for every one in England. Of Giant’s book there were 2,200 copies subscribed for in Wesliiiigton. 01 Blaine’s book the publisliers disposed oi 412, and of Loan’s “Great Uoiispiracy” about 600 copies h.nve been subscribed for with a possible sale of 200 move. Bancroft, the liistorinn, finds himself, at the age of ábiity seven, widowed and childless, and his own health by no means so vigorous as it was. He looks aged and worn, and lie has been obliged to give up most of Lis out-door exercise. The printers in the calico making mills of the Connecticut valley have a very close orgaij^Htion of their own in each neighborhood, and will not impart the secrets ol their trade to any but their own sons or the ■ons of members of nffiliuted organizations. A FAMILY B0MB8HFLL. FROM THE FRENCH OF SARDOU. AMCTORIEN Use the great srecific for “cold in head” and catarrh—Dr. Sage’s Catarih Rc-medy. I have been recently reminded of an episode of the siege of Paris, which, I flatter myself, reflects no small credit on me. But be not alarmed. I shall not lead you among the shot and shell of the ramparts, nor the dangers of the outposts. The incident I speak of took place in a quiet street, in the house of my old friend Durand, a Avealthy manufacturer ot chemicals, the husband of an estimable iady, the father of a charming girl, a good patriot, and, though perhaps a little hotheaded in his politics on the whole one of tlie best men in the world. Altlioiiirh surprised by the investment of Paris, Mme. Durund, always a provident woman, had looked to the condition of lier larder, and she had laid in such a stock of provisions that, had the siege lasted three months longer than it did, the Durands Avould never have known hunger. Along in October her wisdom became apparent, and I added my blessin<rs on her torethought to those of the family, for a cover was always laid for me at her table; and avIio, during those times of privation, would not be enraptured at eight of a golden omelet or some gcmiinc gruyere? I Avas not the only giies4 at this hospitable table, for my next neighbor at table was Victor Lamont, the head clerk of the chemical works. He was an excellent young fellow, dark .and slender, somewhat retiring, and apparently very much in love with his enijiloyer’s daughter, Gortrude, who seemed not insensible to his attentions. Though not a word hud been spoken on the subject, the union of the young couple was tacitly accepted by all. Unfortunately the war prcv'cnted Its accomplishment. Victor Avas a' Corporal in the Paris militia, and performed his duties with the same conscientious care he exercised in all things; but he was not enthusiastic in anything except in consigning to the devil this eternal siege which had come between him and liis happiness. And his criticisms on the conductor of the operations were-rperliaps excusably—somewhat bitter. These criticisms never failed to excite Durand, w'ho was a devoted admircrof General Trochu. And still another thing seiwed to estrange them; Lo Temps was then publishing a scries of articles in which the author remodeled the military operations which had taken place in the |irovinces. He indulged in wild flights OÍ imagination, but IJurand took them scriouslj', and predicted brilliant victories in the near future. The doubting Victor would venture a timid objection. Then Durand would become excited and angry, and would not be appeased until the clerk granted that each separate battle Avas a victory. The presence of a new guest tended to complicate matters still more. I was surprised one evening to fiiiU my place at Mme. Durand’s right haná occupied by a stranger, a swashbuckling individual Avith a bull neck and a very red face. Ho Avore captain’s epaulets, his uniform looked as if he might haA’c found it in the property room of somo theater, his enormous boots Avere mid-leg high, and altogether it Avas easy to see that he posed as a hero. •‘M. Morin,” said Durand, in introducing us, “Captain of the Montmartre Zouaves of Death.” The captain curled his mustache and scowled a salute. Before tlio soup Avas over I recollected who this Morin was. Ilis exploits consisted in removing from the deserted houses of the suburbs such furniture as would be likely to arouse the cupidity of the enemy, and putting it in a place of safety until its owners should take it away. I was Avondcring hoAv this iron-jawed braggart came to share our meal, when Mme. Durand explained the matter to me with considerable show of emotion. While out walking late in the afternoon, she had slipped on the sidewalk and fallen, and Morin, who happened to be passing at the time, assisted her to rise, and as she was somewhat faint and nervous, had ac-cCiupanied her home. She could do no less than ask him in to dinner. This exiilaii3-ion reassured me; I hoped Ave should no more of him. “The Avar,” he said,“jia''i led him to Paris, Avhoso safety required ui« presence.” As to his exploits in the suburbs at the head of his “ZouaA’^cs of Death,” they passed all belief. “The enemy could do nothing I With my live thousand wolves at my back I made a breach,” etc., etc. Mme. Durand listened to this rhodo-montadc Avith complaisance, Durand Avith undisguised admiration. As to the poor niilitianian Victor, his existence seemed totally erased in the pres- diicted in Lc I’emps. Victor lost more ground at every dinner. The discredit into Avhich he had fallen became plainly apparent after the bloody fight at Le Bourget, where the poor lad had done his duty nobly and received a painful woumi in the forearm. He narrated the Avhole affair to us, the retreat and the sad ending of that heroic combat, with so lamentable an air of discouragement that the captain began to treat him as if he Avas a deserter and acoAvard. With what noble indignation he demonstrated that if the “Zouaves of Death” had been there things w'onld liav'C been diflerent. Tliereupon, Avarming to tlie subject, he sketched out for us a plan for a sortie by the passage of the Oise, a march to liouen, and a final triumphant arrival at Havre, so clearly and i^vidly that he aroused Duraiui to great euthusiasin. And all this time poor, tiuiiiiliated V’^ictor Avas siiftbriiig from his still bleeding Avon nd. The next day Victor had a icvcr, and kept his bed, and tor some Avccks he did not appear at the table. The captain mcaiiAvhilo eiicrgeticaliy established his pretensions to the hand of Gertrude. The evening that Victor reappeared among us, Aveak and paler than ever, it seemed to me that Gertrude’s eyes weie very red and some skirmish had taken placo be-tAveen iior and her mother, Avho seemed more taken np with Morin than ev’cr. I saw that it Avas time to interfere in the interest of these poor children. It Avas the last day of the year, and as we Avere talking of the iieAV year Ave decided to celebrate the anniversary together. “Ej^ad, Madame Durand,” said the caiitain, “I have a surprise for your Ncav Year’s present.” This put an idea in my head. On Ncav Year’s Day Durand re-cciA’cd us, radiant and Avith open arms. The strategical editor of Lc-Tomps had just struck atcrrible bloAv at Prince Charles in the neighborhood of Evreux. Durand offereci us this good news for our New Year's present. Victor brought a hare Avhich he had trapped beyond the fortifications. As to the captain, he presented Mme. Durand with a bag of marrous glaces in a Uhlan’s lielmeL “Madame,” said he, magnificently, “I am sorry I did not bring in it tlie Jiead of its owner.” “What!” cried Mine. Durand almost speechless Avith emotion ; “did you kill him ?” ^‘Ay, to get his bonbon box, madame—a performance Avbich, I muko bold to say, would not have been attempted by many men.” I Avill pass over the recital of this adventure, of Avhich you may be sure our Bonibastes did not spare us the smallest detail. Crouched doAvn behind a cask he had Avatchod tor, sur-jirised and knocked down the Avearer of the cap, a solitary sentinel, and had strangled him, in order not to arouse the attention of the enemy by using his revolver! Wliat a i>oor shoAving the hare, strangled, too, made beside this glorious triumph I “Well,” said I, “I Avould not tliink of rivaling such a hero as the captain; but I also have my little surprise. But it has not yet arrived, and I hope yon Avill dine without waiting for it.” Wo sat down to table, and a very pleasant dinner it was. We had just reached the coffee, Avhon a servant informed us that an artilleryman had just deposited my preseut in IhcAlraAV-ing room. Repairing thither, we toiind the objecton the table, wrapped in bright-colored paper and tied up Avith gay ribbous. “What in the world can it be ?” asked Mme. Durand. “Don’t try to guess, my dear madame; it is a bombshell.” “A bombshell ?” “Dnraiid had often expressed to me a desire to possess a bombshell, one that has seen service, and at my request my friend Roland, commandant of a battery, has sent rao this. It is from the Avrcn plateau, Avhere it fell, but tailed to explode.” As I spoke, I untied the blue ribbon, took off the paper, and the bombshell appeared, black, sinister and menacing. “My dear felloAV,” said Durand, “I am delighted. I shall hang it up in my study.” ’ . “But,” objected Mme. Durand, “if it has not gone off- “Oh, have no fear. It was under stood trembling in the door, “Uie artilleryman has gone.” “Then,” said I, “it is I who must—” j “I forbid you!” cried Durand. “You are not strong enough to carry it. You would let it fall on the Avay —perhAps on the stairs, or even in this room.” Mme. Durand threw herself on me, crying: “No, no, not you. It is too dangerous. Not you.” “This,” said Durand, “is the work of a strong soldier. Happily, the captain is here THE TALE OF A SHIRT. dice of this great blusterer. I invented a pretext to leave immediately after the coffee, for I Avas oppressed by the bragging of the lealher-lunged Gascon, Avhom I hoped never to see again. But in vaiu, for on the folloAviug Sunday I founddiiin in tlie same place, again on Friday, and finally a cover Avas placed for him every evening. The entire Durand family seemed iasciiiated by him. Moriii had captured Mine. Durand by his jovialitA'^, and papa Durand by the interest he seemed to take in the militarv operations con- stood that Roland would only send it to me empty and harmless. However, there is a letter accompanying I opened the letter, ! id was about to read it aloud, but at the first line my face began to express surprise, then áMdety, Avhen everyone cried: “What’s the matter?” “Great heavcná!—I have—listen,” and 1 read: Dear Friend—Here is the shell yon desired. But I have been uliable lo find an artilleryman who knows hoAV to unload it. Send It to the armorer in the Passage de I’Oiiera, Avlio Avill fix it for you perfectly. But I Avarn you to take great precaiitions ; not the least shock, not the taiiitcst friction, for if you strike it with even a sheet of paper it will explode. Yours, as ever, Roland. I was interrupted by cries of fright. “Oh, take it away !” cried Mme. Durand. “Oh, this is terrible I A bombshell in mv hovHel” “For heaven’s sake,” said T, raising my hand Avarningly, “be calm! Do not be frightened ; the artilleryman who brought it shall take it away.” “But, sir,” said the servaut, Avho “I ?” said the captain, uneasily. “Yes; you are as strong as a bull, and, besides, you aro used to these droaaful implements of war.. You jilay \vi.th cannon balls and bombshells as a schoolboy does Avith his tops and marbles.” “But—but, pardon me,” said the captain, Avho grcAV slightly pale, “a bombshell, you see—ei—hum . Can we not Avait until to-niorroAV, and have it tak3n away then?’' “To-morrow!” cried Mme. Durand. “Why, I couldn’t close my eyes the Avhole night. I Avould rather go to a hotel.” Hero Victor stepped forward: “Do not put yourself to so much trouble, 1 beg,” said he. “I will take the bombshell aAvay.” “You are mad, my boy,” cried Durand, stopping him. “Just off a sick bed, and Avitii your wounded arm! Do you Avant to bring the house down about your ears ?” “Let it be, Victor,” said I; “this is no Avork for a sick man.” “But it is just the task lor the captain,” continued Durand. “I will confide it to no one but him. Come, captain, be quick. Pick up the monster and deliver us from this nightmare.” The captain did not like the situation, that Avas evident. But he avAs not the man to be disconcerted at such a trifle. “You are rigbr,” said he, smiling uneasily; “this sort ot thing is in my line. I Avas about to say, however, Avhen you interrupted me ’just novr, that it Avould be dangerous for a man on foot to carry it. The sidewalks are slippery, and a single false step in the street would be enough to blow to pieces ten men. To take'it away in a carriage is the only reasonable way. General Lefevre, Avho brought me to your door in his carriage, is dining at Brcbant’s, and his carriage is in front of the restaurant. I Avill ask him to lend it me. He is ai^old friend of mine; so the matter is settled. Just let mo buckle on my belt, and I shall be back here in ten minutes or a quarter of an hour at the outside.” “Fly, then,” said Mme. Dui-and. “I shall scarcely dare to breathe while you are gone.” “I shall run, my dear madame.” So saying, the Captain took his plumed shako, his cloak, and hastened from the room. And from the way he bounded down the steps it was evident that ho was in a hurry. I returned to the drawing room, which Avas still all consternation. Mine. Durand vacillated betAveen a desire to fly and curiosity to examine the bombshell. As if unintentionally, I looked out into the street, Avhich Avas brightly lighted up by the full moon. “It was a very simple matter to let me take it away,” murmured Victor. “Tut, tut!” cried Durand, surprised at the young man's quiet courage. “It is better that the captain should do it.” “Let us hope,” said Mme. Durand, “that he will not keep us wailing long.” “Not keep us waiting long, dear madame!” said I, gajfh’. “You may rest assured he will. , For ho Avill not come back.” 1 “He will not come black ?’’ “Most assuredly iiOt. To go to Brcbaiu’s restaurant ho should take the road to the right, while he went the otiier Avay, aud fast ouough he was going, too.” “Good gracious! Vhat does that mean ?” “Tliat means, frieml Durand, that your captain is a bragging cur, and that I am delighted tojhave unmasked the batteries of suchja scoundrel in favor of such au eitimable young man.” And taking a photqgraph album, I struck it violently oujthccap of the bombshell, which buist iuto a thousand pieces—of chocolate. It was made of clioculate, au I shoAverpd OA'er the cavnet a fusillade ^ if sugar plums, candied fruits aud nul s I A shout of laughtc • folloAVcd the explosion. It is perhaps needle as to state that Victor and Gertrude i rerc married as soon as the Avar Avas o rer. It is also probably i eedless to state that the captain has levcr returned. How a Ijean, Lank Man From Illinois Cuine by a Misadventure. [AVashiiigtoa cor. Boston TraTcllcr.l A tall, lean, lank man from Illinois had his feet upon the table in the reading room at Willard’s recently, while he alternately looked at the ceiling and at a “tAVO-for-5” which persistently refused to draw. The fire in his cigaF gradually dAvindled out, and the lean man sorroAV-fnlly but carefully laid it aAvay in his vest pocket for future reference. Turning around to a party of friends Avho Averc sitting near him he said; “Boys, have you ever heard ‘The Tale ot the Shirt ?’ No? Well, noAA’, that is one of the most peculiar pranks that politics ever played upon Illinois. In ’84 a District Convention Avas held in Peoria to elect delegates to the Democratic Na'ioiial Convention. Among the men Avho tried to bo scut to the Peoria Convention was S. Coriiiug Judd. IIcAvas defeated, as usual, but ho came down ucvcrtheless to see the boys have their tun. Now, among the delegates were Mike Corcoran aud his chum and bosom friend, ‘Bad Jim' Connorton. Mike is a comical looking telloAv. Ho is about tAvico as Avldc as lie is high, and he loves a good time better than anybody I knoAV. Alike and ‘Bad Jim’ roomed together. The night before the conventiou ‘Bad Jim’ came in full of fun and somo other things that you take out of a bottle. He saAV the peaceful Mike siccping,aiul the spirit of mischief eutered him. “Oil a chair Avas Mike’s shirt. It Avas undoubtedly the biggest shirt in Peoria. Carefully opening the win-doAV he dropped the under garment to tho ground, and his delight Avas someAvhat inteiisiflod when he saAV a passing tramp disappear with it in the darkness. Closing the Avindow, he put out the light and got into bed. You can just believe that there Avas a hoAvl Avhcn Corcoran aAVokc in the morning and couldn’t find liis shirt, for, as á true disciple of Jcflersonian simplicity, he had only one with him. ‘Bad Jim’ and four bell boys scoured the town after a shirt that would fit him, but all in vain. In the mean Avhile the time for the meeting of the convention Avas draAV-ing nigh. To make a long story short. pocket. “Oh, you need not mind the fee until I am through,” remarked the considerate doctor. “I don’t intend to pay you yet,” returned tho patient, “I Avieh merely to count niy money lo sec how much I have.” Runniiis a Locomotive. [Cbicagro Herald.] It costs a litllo more than 20 cents a mile lO run a locomotive,on an average. Nearly § cents oi this is for ftiel, 7I4 cents for pay of engineer and lire-iiian, a half cent for oil and waste, #nd more than 4}.J cents for repairs. A ton of coal will run a locomotive 24 irtiles, a pint of oil will run 11 miles, and a pound of Avaste 123 miles. The locomotives of a railway liko ijie NortliAvcstcrii run 500,000 miles a month. 1 was nearly Ir.iniic wUb the Biifforitis from iicuraiRia. I began takliig Athloplio-ro8 and it was magtcal in its work. I felt relief after two doses and in two weeks could walk out and was entirely cured. Mrs. Jobu MacGreevy, Spriuglielii, 0. Judd entered the convention as a delegate. By one of those curious twists ot politics he was elected to go to the National convention. His luck didn’t desert him there, and ho Avas the member of tho Democratic National Committee from Illinois. When President Cleveland began to look about him for a man to succeed Postmaster Palmer, of Chicago, he lit upon Judd. I don’t know avhat‘Bad Jim’ has bagged out of this deal, but ho ought to have sometiiing, for if ho hadn’t throAvu Corcoran’s shirt out of the window Judd Avould never have been wlicre ho is now. That, gentlemen, is my ‘tale of a shirt’ ” 'Whai Silas Got Married For. [Bostou Record.] Silas is a country cliaractcr, Avho means well. He tries to earn a living, and “tinkers around” at odd jobs and chores and Avhatcvcr lie can get to do; but he works a good deal as he talks, wiUi a painful draAvl that is very suggeaUve of that state of natural rostfuliiess Avbicb his ilk call “born tired.” Silas came to mend the fence the other day for one of his patrons in tlie suburban village where he belongs, with a peculiar' air of festivity about him. he had on a bright now necktie of blue Japanese silk, and his honest face was covered by an expansive grin all the lime that he Avas receiving his orders. “You seem happy, Silas,” said Mr. Blank, with sorro curiosity, Avhen he had flnished about the fence. “Ya-as,’* drawled Silas. “Ya-as, I’ve been a-gittin’ married this momia’.” “Married? You? Why, Silas, raau alive, what on earth have you gone and dons that for? You can’t support yourself as it is!” “Wull,”said Silas, “I ken pooty near support myself, ’n’ I think it’s a durn pity it she can’t help some!” Philoaopliy of tho Forehead. [Philadelptiia Nowa.J A very retreating forehead which is low and sliallow usually accompanies Avant of intellect. If slightly retreating, or what appears to be retreating from the fullest of tho forms over the eyes, it signifies imagination, susceptibility, wit and humor. Slow persons, Avith dull intellect, have very projectinjr foreheads. Perpendicular foreheads, rather high and Avell rounded at tho temples, rarely fail to go Avith solid understanding, poAvcrs of coiiceutration and love of study. A low, arched torehond, which is full at tho temples, is indicative of SAvcetiiess and sensitiA'cness, and Avhen combined Avith great fullness over tho eyes gives an iniprcssloiiablc, idealistic nature. High, narrow, Avholly miAvrinkled foreheads, over which tho skin is tightly drawn, sIioav weakness of Avill-poAvcr and a lack of imagination or susceptibility. Foreheads not entirely projecting but having knotty protuberances, give vigor of mind and harsh, oppressive activity and perseverance. Persons possessing poetic, ardent and sensitive natures not nnfre-qucntly have a blue vein forming tho letter “Y” in au open, smooth and low forolie«id. Perpendicular wrinkles bctAvcon the eycbroAvs, when of equal lengths, sigiiily anger, but if the Avriiiklcs are of unequal leugtlis, they show deep thought and concentration. Keep Out of Debt. rAVitb the uoual intricaeiee of Eotcllshorthog* raphy.l A man in bebt No rest will gebt Until he’s in the tomb. His cares will weigh 80 heavy thcigh AViUihi'oua his Ule with glomb. He’ll practise (mile; And never smulie; His head wilh pain will ache; He’ll grieve and sigh And want to digh ' And thus his troubles shache. But owinir none He’ll have moro fone Tuan any king that reigns; He’ll feel t)onign; His health is flgn And he long life atteigns. Without a doubt All can keep oubt Of debt if only they Win uever buy To please the cuy And cash uowu always ftev. —[Detroit Free Prese. CURRENT FUN. scent — Cologne. — [Hartford Item—Jelly.—[Indlanapollh What They Wanted. [Town Topics.] The lifo of Mr. Poier Coopw is about to be published, but I doubt if it contains any of the amusing anecdotes of tho many demands upon Mr. Cooper irom people Avho seemed to claim a certain right to ask favors irom so rich and great a philanthropist. He was so beset Avith letters of the kind that a clerk Avas employed to answer them. One woman wrote Corcoran gave Judd his proxy never had been to the opera, He Won Mis Bet. I French Paper.] ^An Americau weut to one of his friends who Avas In a sick hospital. “Well, aud kow are you getting along ?” he asked. “Badly, old man, very badly. The doctor has just told mo that if I turned over on my left side it Avould kill me immediately.” “You surprise me.” “It’s inst a« I have told you.” “It’s all nonsense.” “You don’t believe it; Avell, I Avill bet you $10 it Is so.” “I’ll take it.” “Well, then, look here,” and the sick man turned over aud died. His friend deposited a $10 bill on the side of the bed and left. and would like to have him send a box so that she might go, and invite friends also; another Avanted a sealskin sacquc, as the Avinter Avas severe, and thought he might Avell aft’ord to send her one. Wliilc still another Avroto that if she had a neiv set of false teoth, costing$40, Avhich amount she asked him to scud licr, she thought she could get a husband. Tomb of the Malidl. [N. Y. Tribune.] Outside of Omdurman, the little town opposite Khartoum, on tho spot where tho Mahdi’s tent stood and where he is buried, a simple monument has been raised to his memory. It is in the form of a round tower, about fourteen and a half feet in diameter, built of stones and bricks. The Avail is AvhiteAvashed on the outside, and an inscription is painted on it in large-black letters setting out that the “Ambassador of God” rests beneath. Within the tower is the grave, on which tho MahHi’s SAvord and silver helmet are placed. Four dervishes watch continually by the grave, reciting prayers. A Hemarkable Memory. The Avoman in the Chicago Post Office at the head of tho Department to Correct Misdirected Letters, of Avhich 200,000 have been saved from the Dead Letter Office during her regency, has a wonderful memory. When one of‘her clerks reads off “Smith, Jones & Co., Chicago,” tho chances are that, without lifting her eyes from her own work, slio wiíl say, “Should be Louisville,” or “Milwaukee,” or “Cincinnati,” or perhaps “Springfield, Mass.,” or “Utica.” She has tho most of the business people of the United Slates on her list aud keeps the list in her brain. Took No Oliances. I Surgical Journal.] A Chicago doctor Avas about to auajsthetlze a patient, when in aii-sAver to a question he informed the victim tl>at he AvouId be eutirely unconscious and know nothing until tho offciuling gioAvtli had been removed. The patient accordingly commenced to fish his loose chauge out of his The Kohinoor. [New York World.] The famous diamond, the Kohinoor, Avhich Queen Victoria wears on great occasions, belonged to an Indian prince, but was appropriated by the English during the Indian mutiny of 1857. Mr. Dhulecp Singh, avIiosc projierty the Kohinoor Avas before the English seized it, now demands its restoration. He Avroto to Lord Salisbury on the matter sliortly before the latter’s resignation from otiico, and received in reply a note in Avhicli Salisbury “refused to discuss such elii-mcrlcal nonsense.” A Ilcallhy Neiehburhood. [Grcensborough (Md.) Free Press.] It has been extremely healthy hereabout of late. Yesterday aa'c noticed a prominent M. D. Avheeling dirt for exercise, Avhile Funeral Director Aii-drcAV was surprised upon going to his carriage liouse to find that a neighboring lieu had appropriated his best hearse for a nest, had laid the necessary number of eggs, and after calculating on the certainty of roniaining undisturbed, had commenced the work of incubation. Salvation Oil is tuc best tniiis In the market fur bolLi luau and beast. I'nce 25 cts. A false Times. A currant Herald. Nice thing In hose—A young lady’s foot —[St Paul Herald. Not always satisfied-First mortgages.— [Indianapolis Hcraid. The most obiioxio'us form ot “light literature” is a gas bill.—[Boston Bulletin. A laughing stock—A paragraphist’l stock in trade.—[Burlingtoa Free Press. AVbere two Leads are always better that one—In a base drum.—[Boston Traveller. “No,” said the hackdriver, “I don’t stop; niy business is driving.”-[Hartford Times. Tbe cowboy pianist is pronounced s fraud; be cuu’t play uuytbiug but gallops. —[Bloomington Eye. Hereafter in the first circles dmnkeo* ness Should be alluded to as Kentucky pan alysls.-[New Haven News. It would save a good deal of suffering 11 the base ball chnmplousbip could be settled by arbitration this year.—[Boston Record. “Nothing oan longer be done in a corner,” says Mr. Beecner. The information makes Jay Gould smile.-[New Uavcn News. “A Railway Idyl” is the title of s short story that is going the rounds. It must mean tho Missouri Pacific.—[GUicugs itambler. An Omaha woman showed her good nature by having her picture taken in a group with her three divorced busbands.—[Oms< ha Tribune. Tbe policemen are running for Aldermei in several Eastern cities, but they are nol uniformly successful in catching them.— [St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Young Wife—John, mother says she wants to be cremated. Y'oung Husband— Tell her if she will get on her things i’ll take her down this morning.—[Tid-Blts. Mr. Moses Cohn—Rachel, put dor emeralds and der green umbrellas in dei vrout Tinder. It’s Saint Batrick’s Day and vs got to be batriutic.—[Cbicago Rambles. If the editors of some of the agricultural (lapers were given “three acres and s cow” they wouldn’t know from which one of them to exi>oot the milk.—[Boston Post. Philadelphia has 20,000 more women than men. This difference arises from tbe fact that the men can escape from the place more easily than the women.—[St. Louis Post-Dispatch. A man’s nose preserved lii spirits was produced in a Cliioago Court tbe other day and the local newspapers speak ol the occurrence as something strange.—[Minue-apolii 'I'ribune. An association is being organized in Tucson, Arizona, under tbe title 0) “Knights Who Don’t Labor.** They ar« tbe balance of power in local •lections.— [San Francisco Alta. Peddler to Peasant—I have here two different almanacs, from 'wsich you may chose. One of them contains more holidays, but tbe other contains more good weather. -[Philadelphia News. Faiher-iu-law—“Perhaps, sir, von thinli Pnt gsitig to support you for tbe rest ol your natural life.” Son-in-law—“Well, 1 don’t know why you sbouUlu’t. I took your daughter off your haiuls.”-[Tid-Bits. A celebrated composer wrote to a friend requesting the pleasure of hit company to “luncheon; key of G.” Ills friend, a thorough musician, interpreted the invitation rightly, and came to the composer’s house for luocheou at one sharp.—[.Musical Courier. The story is told of our great statesman, Frsnk Lawrence, that, returning once from the East, he got off at Falls' View to look nt Niagara. After ex.iiuining it critically for a moment, be turned to u bystaniler ami remarked: “Huge, ain’t it? Isposellruus all night, too.”—[Chicago Rambler. A Detroit court is puzzled over the numo of a Polish defendant whose first name is Peter. T.‘io other is Czyzkyblaiskl, or Jaklisybski, or Z zyj izghsky. Ilis lawyer could puzzle the Jury just as z-a as anything, but a riot was nvoiiled by cotnnro-mising on the word Peter, aud bv this name the detendaut went on triai,--[liidiauapolU Journal. __ Golden News from lUe Golden Gafe. San Francisco, Cal , June 13, 188.a.— AVhile in New .Mc.xico, I contracted a severo case of catarrh of the bladd<-r, from exposure to cold. Passed blood continuopsiy until I could nol walk. AVanier’s safe cure Avilh Warner’s safe piils used, ac cording to directions, for n> ailv a renr, saved niy life.-W. D. SOUTHWOUTH.