New Braunfels Herald Zeitung (Newspaper) - August 13, 1985, New Braunfels, Texas
New Braunfels Hera\&Zeitung
Tuesday, August 13, 1985
Dave Kramer, Editor and General Manager Susan Haire, Managing Editc
Ya know, Ed...It's getting tough to find any good news now a days, even in a small town newspaper
'111 let the bird have the berries if hell share'
BOSTON — First let me admit that it is at least half my fault.
I cannot entirely blame the blue jay, the one I have come to call “Nemesis” for this lengthy criminal record.
After all, I am the one who originally planted the blueberry bushes in the back forty (feet).
A court-appointed defense attorney .for Nemesis would undoubtedly describe these urban bushes as “an attractive nuisance.” Berries are to birds what a swimming pool is to an asphalt jungle or a BMW to a deserted street.
He might even convince a jury that this was a classic case of entrapment.
I maintain, however, that any enterprising, self-respecting creature who didn’t merely want to rip off the labor of others and had some respect for private property could have found other sources.
Mine are not the only blueberries within several city blocks. There is a supermarket right down the street.
If Nemesis chose my market it was probably because he liked the hours better.
It was open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. An aviary convenience store. Besides, the price was right and there was no check-out line.
But I am getting ahead of the story. Until recently, I considered Nemesis to be a decent enough neighbor. A bit noisy now and then, but you get to used to that in the city.
A touch aggressive, but up there we like like a tough bird. Frankly I respected him because he didn t escape south every winter.
As the bushes began to bear fruit, Nemesis began to hang around a bit, but I had no way of knowing that he was casing the joint.
I thought he was admiring my day lilies.
Then, on about July 6 — we must be careful with dates in criminal charges — the jay bird began his career in larceny.
The moment the berries turned blue, he turned greedy. The other birds in the neighborhood might have one for dessert, but Nemesis seemed to regard these bushes ai all-you-can-eat night at Howard Johnson’s.
Some members of the jury will say that I should have bought a net. Well, I did buy a net. This raised the cost of the berries to approxiamtely $12 a pound and the charge to grand larceny.
The net barely slowed him down.
But it wasn’t the money that finally got me mad. It was the sheer gall of the bird.
He had the cool that characterizes a sociopathic personality. I can call an expert witness on this. Any other bird would flee when I came outdoors, but Nemesis would not even flutter until I came within three feet. To describe him as cheeky is not enough. He had the nerve of the leader of a street gang.
All he needed w as a leadier jacket.
Now as any pol 1-taker from the American Enterprise Institute can tell you. a neo-conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged. The swiftest way to harden someone soft on crime is to trespass on her turf. So it was that I became a card-carrying member of the law-and-order ranks, wing-and-beak division.
Indeed there were moments these last weeks, when my family feared that I would put a National Rifle Association sticker on the fence and buy Sunday afternoon special.
I took to charging at this fly-by-day criminal, screaming at him like someone in Marine boot camp. At the very least I was hoping to give him indigestion.
Finally, one glorious morning last week, I went outside to get my allotment of berries and there he was. My Nemesis was trapped under the netting.
He couldn’t find his way out. I had hun cold.
As I approached, the bird lost his cool and began flinging himself nervously from one side of his prison to the other. And what did I do? hopel ess recidivist in the ranks of the bleeding hearts, I lifted the netting and let him go.
I wish I could tell you that Nemesis learned his lesson and went straight. This is not the case. He has been back for his regular breakfast. Twice in die past week he has been caught again in the netting and twice more I have let him out. The last time I had
iOU OOT BACK JUST IN TIME, HONEY. I'M BOING TO MEO YOUR HUP DURING THE MEDICAL CONFERENCE WE'RE HOSTING THG WEEK
IS NOSHIE-) A 'HE P. E A., IN I TS MEDICAL (DU-
peer kff DECLARED ECSTACi
PtRtNU. A EIO, BAU SCHE
DULE I NONO'
I PONT THINK I'M FAMILIAR WITH THAT DRUB, SIR
SHRINKS HAVE BEEN USING IT FOR TEARS, BUT THE KIPS, AS USUAL, RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE. THET TURNED MUHA INTO A DAMN PARTY DRUG'
MOMA? OH. TOU MEAN METHYLENEDIOXYMETHAMPHETAMINE'Mike Royko
There are some strange people
the distinct impression that he had been sitting, calmly, waiting for me to help him out
The reality is that I have become his accomplice if not his advocate l>et out on bail, he commits another crime. Allowed only one telephone call from his prison, I am sure he would dial my number.
I have now decided to retreat to the last resort of liberalism, lf I cannot reform Nemesis. I can decriminalize him. I shall deed him the right to eat my berries...! mean our berries...that is, if he doesn’t mind sharing them with me
What's Your Beef?
Got a complaint or a comment about something in Comal or Guadalupe counties? Write it down or call the HeraldZeitung with it and it might wind up as a part of Bob Baker’s “What’s Your Beef?” cartoons.
Our mailing address is P.O. Drawer 361, New Braunfels 78131. The phone number is 625-9144, and we’re open from 8 a m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday.
All kinds of local ideas are welcome, but the Herald Zeitung reserves the right to select the ideas to be used in the paper.
If you idea appears in 'What's Your Beef?”, we’ll give you credit in the cartoon.
In the few months that she has lived in Chicago, Nancy has discovered how easy it is to meet interesting and unusual people.
For example, Nancy, 23, was on her way downtown to her advertising job the other day. She was standing at a bus stop on the trendy North Side.
A car pulled up to the curb directly in front of her.
It w as a snazzy w hite Datsun 280-Z, one of the favorite signs of prosperity and conspicuous consumption among the status-conscious Yuppies.
A balding young man in dark glasses was behind the w heel.
He was wearing a tank-top shirt, which is the kind of shirt my grandfather and his burly pals used to wear when they sat on the front steps and drank dark beer.
They are now worn in bars by thin young men w ho drink light beer "Hi.” he said.
Nancy looked at him, wondering for a moment if he was somebody she knew.
Then she noticed something unusual He had a Wall Sneer Journal open on his lap For a moment she assumed that he was a busy young man-on-the-go. glancing at his newspaper while waiting for traffic lights to change “I thought it was kind of weird for somebody to be reading a paper while driving a car.”
Then the young man smiled and lifted the newspaper from his lap. revealing that he was naked from the tank-top down Although she is from California, Nancy instantly realized that this was peculiar behavior “I was being flashed,” she said “I looked around and there was another woman standing near me, but she hadn t see it “I didn t want to create a scene, so I didn t say anything to lier “Then the light changed and he drove away. He turned the corner and went up the street.”
“As it happens, I majored in journalism at tile University of Missouri, so I know a little about getting details. I spotted his license plate as he drove off and I jotted it down.
“The, when I got to my appointment. I phoned the police lo report it. I assumed that with his license number, the make of the car and his description, the police would be able to do something about it.” Nancy called the police emergency number and told the female dispatcher who answered what she had seen.
“I gave her a complete rundown, the time, the place, everything.
“Then, she said: What do you
want me to do about it ”
“I told her: Maybe you could run down his license plates and try to find him.
“And she said: Oh. well. if we send a car over there now . he’ll surely be gone.”
Angered by so causual an attitude. Nancy called me “I’m not naive enough to think that the police have nothing better to do than chase flashers all the time. But maybe it is something more than that He could be a sick child molester or have a background of more serious offenses, but the dispatcher obviously didn t care.” Actually, the police do care about flashers and have arrested many of them, including two of the most unusual I ve every lieard of One was the famous El Station flasher on the South Side of Chicago.
He liked to stand on an elevated platfrom. wearing a topcoat and looking like a fully-clothed man with trousers, shirt and tie But as a train would slowly begin moving, he would throw open his coat, revealing to the passengers that under the coat, he wore only a phony shirt front and tie and trouser legs that reached only from his knees to his ankles.
Then there was the famous jogger-f lasher
At a distance, he appeared to be wearing dark shorts But as he jogged past ladies, they were shocked to see what appeared to be dark pants was his skin — spray ed w ith dark dy e But to get back to the Wall Street Journal flasher We called one of the supervisors at the police dispatch tiff ice and he said ‘ Maybe there was a misunderstanding ”
What misunderstanding The man flaunted fus naked body at the young lady
'We'll look intuit,” he said So, Hie police later questioned Nancy. took the license number and her description of Hie man i Which is less flattering than he would probably have liked i and they are going to look for hun I. too, ani getting his name and will try to interview hun I d like to know w hy he chose a Wall Street Journal instead of something more appropriate, such as the National Enquirer Of course, the Journal is about an inch wider than most standard-sued papers, w hich could tx* a factor But from what Nancy said about the young man. a tabloid would liave provided more than adequate coverage.
Gov. Mark White Governor's Office Room 200 State Capitol Austin, Texas 78701
Sen. John Traeger Texas Senate Capitol Station Austin, Texas 78711
Sen. Phil Gramm United States Senate Washington D C., 20510
U.S. House of Representatives Washington, D C, 20515
Rep. Edmund Kuempel Sen. Lloyd Bentsen Texas House
United States Senate of Representatives
Room 240 Russell Bldg P.O. Box 2910
Washington, D C. 20510 Austin, Texas 78769
Rep. Tom Loeffler U.S. House of Representatives 1212 Longworth House Office Bldg Washington, D.C. 20515
YOU SEE, HONEY, ECSTACYHA VERY PROMISING PSYCHOTHERAPEUTIC TOOL BUT THANKS TOTHE FEDS, IHE MRK OF TOP MDMA RESEARCHERS HAS
whatj'llbe proposing at
THE CONFERENCE IS THAT SOME OF THESE PEOPLE DIN OUR FACULTY AND CONTINUE WORK. RIGHT HERE1
& CID T
SIR J HOPE
THIS ISNT JUSTA FRONT
EVERY PENNY WILE GOTO SCHOLARSHIPS, ^EY^T