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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Daily Herald (Newspaper) - October 23, 1913, Lethbridge, Alberta V TURNING THE TABLES HARDLY The scene was a registry office. A -i.istress was tndeavorjug to engage a Mid. "Jloiv many are there In the (am. asked the laller. 'Three; my husband, myself, and faub'hter." was the reuly. "lloiv many afternoons out you "Kvery second Sur.day, and one 'Shall I have any evenings lo my- yes. every Tlmrrliy evening.' 'Well. I think I'll give you a trial a ivlillt, "Oil, thank you.. n mo. "Ml. Do you play (he planol1 "Xo. mum. I ilo nol." "Well, I supple you can dance, or dramatic readings from the- pbets.l "i fomtthlng like "I'm no actress, mum." Can you a sood same brldt-eV "Xo mum. I cannot." is loo bad. Itu[ don't no tomboy." 'Then I'm afraid you won't do Xo you won't do at all. Vo-i ree' somebody who will emerfnln sucsts while 1 do work." :HRISTOPHER'S COMPLAINT f.ula MeStubblns -had a. -short when 'the- s'larlllnB "ulh was forced tljion her that her husband was not exnclly n fce- One evening, a few weeks af- the weiidiniT, Ihe sirlcl old cold- I'.'ler crunk, p.ipl M'Stubblns. drop- In lo cull. He found his daus ill alone. After a while he asked- Is Clirlslopherr "Well, the f.iet Is. Christopher celins very well this evening-." Is that EC? What seems the mat- fact Chrlsto- is sufferlnc from a bad attack of repeated he nurzle.l etd gcnlleman. "Thai's a Use.iso I never heard of. You must ;l LOOKING They had arranged to attend a mla- service at the village Ar- riving railier late, they fuuuj tht- church tilled; but a arose and gave the lair one hla whl'e o.ie of ihc elders LecXoned ihe young man to come and too, was given a scat Jn the Iront pan of the bull ding. The ECrvJco grew rather Imprwilvt, Tho minister then cxc'aitiiv': "Tliose who want assistance Ly our piuyers vlli kindly stand Just at this uncture the young was contem- tinp going stood up And ooked a'rounJ for Ills fair one-. The olnister, mistaking Inci-ntlons, aak- ed: .yYoung-'man, art you looklr.jj tor To which the younij man "Xo, Eir, I'm looking for Eal QUITE SIMPLE Poslon Five-Vear-OM: "I'ather, what IB (ho exact mear.sng of tho verae 'Jack Hpzat eould eat r Father: "In simp.e terms kt Is as follows: Jack Sprat coul.1 assimilate no adsnosc tissue.-.His ou ihe other hand, posses.sfd ,-m for the more muscular portions of epithe- lium. And so he.twees' thtrn both, you ste.-thpy removed nil tbc- foreign jsub- stancea Irorrt tlic surface of that util- itarian utensil commonly calteil rt plat- ler. Does that make It e'ear Boston FIve-Y ear-Old: 'Terfeclly, rather...The lack of.lucidity In these Mother Goose rhymes Is amazingly ap- parent." A FLY GAME The New Waiter: "'.Scuse me salre, but are you ze glass of (Righteous hull gnat ion of Mr, Jioosey.) MISUNDERSTOOD Oh. nc. father! t.ct me explain Pro- '.nqully moans nearness, doesn't "f thinTc sn." to bi; near is to be- close, bn' "AnA -when we speak of a man a close we mean that he Is stlnci iun't "Certainly." "Ami when a man Is stingy we call :lm tLqlit, don't ''I telioVe. so." that's what's the matter with Chris- OphtT." "Well." she concluded, with D sigh, IARD ON THE REPORTER There Is a business man t a certain tun-c though- some- .hiit advancoj In years, insists on nptTJMending pcrsoniliy every bit of '3 lus'ness. lie is lhan a little The- burly farmer strode anxiously nto the post office. f 'Ha vie you got nny letter for Mike Howe 2" he asked; The new postmaster looked him up and down, "For tie snappou.' "Mike rcplied-the farmer. The posttnasier turned aside. "You don't roared the applicant. you understand plain ask you 'If you've got any letter for .Mike COME IN TWO lady with A wasp-like ivalit faint- ed In a street the other day, and was carried inlq the nearest shop- An Insimmn, who had observed the oc- curcnce, looked into the.shop after a few minutes and Iriiulrtd: "How Is she said the shopman, "she's com- lr-5 to." replied Pat, "come In fwo. has she? Poor BedaO, It's' Just I was of hearing-tho'jgh ilsnowletfb'c it-bnd he he ulll f TcJndly The other day a situation developed ihis gentleman's which was r more or less public interest. One of ;c evtnlni; tvipcra Immediately urhctl a repress ntattvo lo pet att-rne.nt from him. The reporter was n' young man, and not 50 for "Well, I snorlefl .the ri> have-I-a !cuer Get out.'1 HORRJBLE "COMBAT All was silence for a moment. Then a loud, shrill shriek, i cut the stcnled1 air. There was the sound of a heavy body faliltig, crashing of "Um- Ltrs, a nolsi as ot sinful spirits wall- Ing In despair. A chair creaked Jla- malty, and then ptrted with a dull. snap. he fell against toe K-nisorlivc might lined ta-liie presence, the man said: I um a from the Evening iincj l------" _ 'ripv.ik louder, you'ng atn-a rejmrler Irom tco 1 can't help you out." c for a porter yesterday. ;L we filled the place this morning. i-sides, I thtnk yo'-j fire loo young and -ifitr-dcvcloped'for-the Job- Try the jHOing Across tlie I unJer- anij they need an office boy there. VERY FAST say your la the fastest.in .0 sin DM I tver you my ex- ricr.ce with him on the ''So, what was Go round the ack so faat that -you.could :feel-Ma cath'-.Btrlhine against the back'- of iur 1'.didn't notice that, but'the ct l.i, and everybody observed It; that .1 -hallow had to cut across the mld- c of the clicle to catch up with us In [aet heat" backwnrd, _____ _ -vashstand. Ttje Jue and basin fell In a confused mass ol r-rokt-n crockery upon the floor, while, the the room. Atnln he adva-icred to Ihe attack, ant Ihe Mack-browed monster bent fcrwara and cast him full length upon the floor. Blood guslicd from the wounds, but he leaped again With set teeth he grappled with ihe demon. His garments were torn In a hundred One eye iva.i hlach and blue. Tho other wtis blue and black. nut slhl he kept up thfe fdirful com b.lt.' At nearly exhausted With hie life-blood slowly oozing from 'A thousand wounds, and Ms breatl conilnp In short, painful gaspa, he-Von The dead monster lay wldo open be fore him. he said, a? he wiped the drops of perspiration frorti "there! It'? a" coH day when T can' cren a folding bed." TTHEN. Hg.rSAT DOWN al'wijyii Ihun." snld see'dy-Iooklng agitator. I firs my eyes ,OlshoncEt VFarl am mtile. I 3sobgKl-h'n limirV 'Ibut I accustomed very my '.'Used lo pueh bawled an unaym member of the Aiidloncc ivh Itneu- Iho speaker In olhtr days. THAT CAT AGAIN "Vile roared Smith. neiv boarder, as-lis razed at the four GETTING EVEN hi ftfier two o'tlock or.d bitlei wluur's moriiine a cr-.iv.ry Ooitoi drove (our miles in to a photic call. On tiis nrrivil thu mar. %vhu iud summoned him "Koclor. I aim In i'iy inln. lul someiiow or olln-r I've eot a foflini; lhal Ocilh is Tlie Wt iho Kah'5 ati( to miJo liar Vied In slgniflcar-t The- man turned no doctor. At my doctor. It ain't true. Is It can't btu. iVat I've no desire to be thi ci.ly yoa've made a fool of on Ihls." .HE.. DIGJATEP THEM- "My naid'n. .business man to starting for .the otincea of butter, then al the cat. and expect .rne home rcri' earll' :wiil have to die- then al hla landlady, of Injured innocence. .ho, with an holding out for hts Inspection tho microscopic por- tion of the viand -referred to. "Yes, wiJ thi good woman, "that's all that's left of the pound bulter as I left on tbe InWe this morn- tate twVnty-sIjLie "All vras the response; "but I wish you wouldn't so hard." He left Ills office at the usual hour, to the club, and sal down al the DIDN'T; KNQtr in.' an. on comin' Into the room I seed card table Vflth three others. that thlevln' vUl'n. a-slttln' comfort- "Just a moment, you fellows, before able on Ihe mat a-fickln' his chops.1 "Vile cried Smith lo the cat KEflin. "to steal my butter. he went on, "liiid so as io make me suspoct poor old Mrs. Siiaggs you cut it will! a we deal the cards. I've got to keep my worO with my wife. One ol you must take down what I dictate: 'A, b, c, d, o. f, ETi b, 1, J, k. I, m, n, o, p. q, r. r, I, "u, v. w, x, y, z.' There, those letltrs arc off my mind." -.INCONSIDERATE The -Youngs" hud dropped in -unex- pectedly unon-lhe fiaficys Just as'dln- ner was about lo be served. Mother. who was somewhat disturbed, called :leti aside r-.nd explained that there mid not be oysters enough lo go unr3, and addeJ: "Mow, you and I .1 have some of ihe'broth. And easu ilo not make any fuss about It table." JltUe Helen promised to be good and V nothing1.1 Hut when the oysters Te served Helen discovered a small e that had hcen accidentally ladled i with .her broth. She could nol member any instruction? that cover- this contingency, so, studying e situation a while she held the oys- r up as high as she" could .on her oon and piped out: "Mamma, mciinma. shouldn't Sirs. ounj have this oys'C7, THE TIN VARIETY The sailor was and one of js auditors was a man named Swal- p. The tar had sol to the rcpitai'ot waterspout with all its horrors that ad nearly done for his ship and him the Indian Ocean. At this point Su-ailop interposed. You make me tired. this 'talk ol waterspout! Why. what the dick- is is there in a waterspout to be fraW "You'd know soon said the allor loftily, "if you ever ran ecroat NOT LIKELY A Scotsman was strolling through the m.irket-r-'.ace hi Glasgow one clay, and close at his followed. faithful collie. Attracted by a fine dlsplav of shell ar.J other'fish, the Sen! stopped to admire, perhaps lo purchase The dog stood by, gently Its tall while its master en-p Ihe fishmonger in conversation. Unforlunalely tor the dos, its tail Traffic Policeman (to couple who escaped being run comer? Do ye want t' set me fired? o ye raanc yerselfs near Itlit on m MIGHT HAVE BEEN 'BETTER "I'm very sorry, Mr. said the girl to the young mon who had asked If he might lake her qupper at Ihe dance, "but I've promised to go In to supper with sorno one elsol but I'll Introduce you to a, very handsome ar.d clever girl." replied the disappointed young disconsolately, some and clever i 'I don't want ;lrl; I want you." illotis Culhhcrl (nivaltlng opportunity lor depth all the Marriage hail "been "a In case. experi- enced a few years of wedded bliss his wife died, and he at once .looked out for'another partner lo-share with him hla joys and his sorrows. Reluming from the honeymoon with1 his blushing hut nol befiullful hride, he wns met by his little son.- It was a rather embarrassing moment for. the J1-and Harkis at once tried lo. make his boy erasp tho situation. He- beamed benignly upon the lad, and "Now, Tommy, this Is. your new "mother." .V. The youngster lady to a, most critical '1 say, falher.v he sftld al length. my Jon, what tf.llF 'It It's a, fair Tom- my, "how many give lor herl" _- nl last In .tho Bankruptcy' .-wii? s'ex'ercly questioned "At frhat first find yourself Jn aaked tho "I bcs your parOcc, under Jhe with nfr. 'The question Is-a 'fclmple (sharply) "please answer It, At vh.it lap time did your trou- bles an-nlr of the utmost perplex- ity tho gentleman tr.izecl found thi court until his wrtnilcrfnfi'cyf'S fell up- on tho .inxfous'countcriances of his creditors, when, tvltfi a tcnlal wave, o hand m their direction, ho "Oh. you must mc-in '.thceo gentle my lucX--not ono of 'cm even ventured mon'a lioiiMw. I cnn't Say-I've hatl any myself." 'TWAS DOUBTFUL FANS WITH DOUBLE MEANING After the Spanish melon, whil awaiting the cold consomme, n youn Japanese diplomat took the fan froi the white hand of a debatnnte, nn opened right to "You_ noticed how I opened aid. "From right to she returned But everybody opens fans from rlgl o ''And do you know, why? No? The II tell warn tha yourself never, by DhanCfr, open a fan from left to right He slyped his sherry and resumed orifflnatcd In Japan, and t Immfmorlai Ehe Japanese fan naWers, 'whose morality Is not Hi iVeatern mo rail ty, have con 8 trucl Tana In auch a mnnncr that, openi from right to left, they reveal Inn cent and .lovely ai lemples anrt open cd from left (o right, they revf ?nei of an cbstenHy belli 'Of course all Japanese are n of a double entendre such this, b and hence Japan haa.laug ihe world to open HsffAns In one wa raffe The'young lady opened her fan, vc cautiously, the upjafa wny. Then a said: "Jfshaw, my fan Is all A-niJ'she give little, diMppt shrug1 of her wMte fhouldera. STRANGERS YET A negro wonmn In Savanah was preparing Ic married. For tovr weeks before the ceremoy she saved up her wages, nnd Immftcllivtcly after dropped for moment ovtr a big basketful of fine. .lobsters. In- stantly one of the largest lotos Urs snanjied its clairs on tbe tail and tha sur insert collie dashed off through ihe market, yelpir.g In rain, while the lobster hung on grimly, ttousH dash- ed violently from side to side. The for a moment was Epsechlcss with then, turning to the prospective customtr; he bailed: "Mon. mon! TVhuatle on ycr whustl? on yer "dog'" "Hoots, returned the other, complacently, ycr lob- ster." "Ran acrosl Swallop. "Yes, here you nre, old COOL CHEEK: noancerf a clove In your pockef.2" Mujgs: ilouncer: Now have you a Help yourself." Lend mo your clear-cutler for a' second.. Iklupgs: -but-.-wlievo'fi your Uouncer: "Why. I was Just ask you for one." "V.-> lupas: "Humph! .Well, here'you are. The- match- you borrowed .Is to light the cigar, I suppose, itml.; tho cigar-cutter Is lo take ihe Tlounccr: "You've U.. old chap." __. _" there's Ihrec In, o-jr tjyck-yarJ, at each "corner of the wall, nnd hey don't frighten me no more thati A WONDERFUL FIR TREE A young- fellow had "popped the .ustlon." and was anxiously awaiting ho answer was to decide hia fate. "Do you evet gamble at the atr one asked. he nnswcrcil; "but if I did TOW wotiM he tho she enquired, "Because." he answered, with n (ieep gh. "I hold such a beautiful hand." "Bui -what did u1, borrow "Oh, I take that drink you.are" Lny me." bi. i WHAT 'GOOD v The second-hand'bookseller was re- commending a volume showing how K Lc one's own lawyer. said the customer. the booli showed me how lo be somebody telreU lawyer, 1 might lake it. Bui the good of ttachine me how to MISUNDERSTOOD ishe hunled her mlst- rcas and as'xcd her fo take chaige tit thft fund- "I'll (flke !t. of tt6 zled lady; "but, Mandy, won't you needing your money to spend on your ".Miss sflM the bride, "decs yon think .I'ac soln' to myae'f wld n strange nigger and all da I money on T BIFFINS: "Jolly party that at the niffht true you were the only sober man in Ihc room after I His Kevfirenco certafnly U. "Uy Jove! you mean that. Wbb waa, Ihenf ;