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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Daily Herald (Newspaper) - October 21, 1913, Lethbridge, Alberta A 6WPCR RETRIBUTION R. MONK: "Whai s he In fort" Jailer: "Coins nround claiming to he- descended from PLEASED NUMBER ONE A certain head eardener. whose wort U admired bv- of visitors summer, is us outspoken as he is capable. -Vet long: he was sum- .moac-d before the directors ot the es- tablishment where he is encased to tx- Vlain why he had made certain nltera- tlonB without consultlnE1 the gentlemen." he remarked, "the .alteration is a succesa. and that saiis- "But that Isn't the ?atd the chairman. didrv't you consult me "th tte ause. str, I'm satisfied with my at present, and Intend to keep Oon't think you are golns theriffht about raid the chairman. 1 do, where we dlt- "rer." said the gardener, boldly.1 "Before I came four gardeners in twelve months. Because the first Uied .tb pleaje th-i chairman, and failed. The second irfefl to pleasi the manager. and didn't stop a month. The third tried to please the secretary, and the directors .Backed him. The fourth tried I to the whole board, and so _ran fcul of-the manager and secretary, ir.e "fifth, [bar's me, p'.eases hlsself. and his Job." the ts slill "pleasing Earns place. ACCOUNTED. FOR "Suddenly a white form appeared at a window. All aboul leaped-the mad .flamtf. A portion of Ihe wall had fallen, and It nas too hot for the firemen 10 po up afier the. man, any- OFFICIALSANaiON fuiriej the coui- as ft eiuer- cJ ihf know iht-sio hotels are oomin' 10. I'm 1're here whole week. and get of a mornin' they're JifCvroitt ttrviHi his companion, sadly tuckltsp his tniikin under hi5 chin. "Writ, of course they're different.1 snapped ihe fussy comnurclat "Then be thankful for at least thai consjiaiiun." rvj'llcd i ho other, "and don't be too hard on liolel--'. 1 kuov a piice. my friend, where 1 am (fivei a ho t jo ir.t one day. renew ita a c qcainLatiCo In a state of frijjldity 01 the next, toy with its mangled remains In the form of hnsh on the third, fiirt with it macaroni and tomato suuce on the fourth, and probably on the fifth detect it Jurklnc yet asaln Li ;he recesses.of n. .eicjlahtied the com' mercjJil. brought away from his o'O'n tro-jbles at "Where's a llllle- nepitcd the s'len: sufferer, "called hoir.cl" ONE FOR EXCHANGE Sam !iau been appreliended by thi ibc-riff for chicken stealing. Heing without funds he bided his hccustom ed lime in .the jail" ur.lil the day o .he trial. Still without fur.ds, be wa ilsu sanF counsel. WUnesseF. also. none; of- character guarantees Karly in Otuar Vnder wood's sc-rvlcfe In Congress, when Mr. Cleveland was s id unl- was m ade re way. But A noble hero dashes feree for Fvdrral patronage In his dis- trict io AKibama. One day Ur.fierwonJ was out cara- Vaignlcg seme milts from Birming- ham, jnd he slopped sit a little Village uhcre there was a saw mill that em- ployed a" good rcany hands. He fcneir the saw mill owner, and was talking to him u.doctor who lived in a village near by, where the postmaster had just died.'came iiiong in a buggy. The doclor'Etopped at the saw mill. The saw boss introduced him to Underwood; but .the doctor had other sh to fry, and paid no attention to "uderuood, ocd apparently didn't gel is name, lie pruduced a petition nd "Xow. boys, the j.cstmas'.er over In iir tovu had Just died, ar.d I'm a .ndidatu for the job. I'm pel line; up petition, in read to "Washington, re- ommending me for the place. I wish )u boys would sign it" Some cf the boys did. and he doctor handed the petition to Un- oo'i. l-ndf-rwonrt taokdi at iL It addressed- to the Honorable Os- ar referee for Federal at Washington. can't sign said Underwood. 'I Uon'l live In this community." go on. and sign urged the doctor, difference does 111 make? That young foo! Undcnvood on't know" the" "difference he 'under the ropes. way 10 the lift, and shoots up to the third floor, .where' the lonely form is still "Elar.d- 'inffl Within about eight and one-hall minutes he corm-s tc-aring out of tht Building with, the he had sax'ed besldft his own. Just then the entire trjHrtlcjj and -the man who held' the mortgage on ft collapsed. About thousand people" 'rushe to see the hero the man who at the hip own life and with- out the aid of a brass band, to the -rescue of one lone man. i indeed noble of thi people 'cried, with one voice.. did you do said the hero, 'I had to. owes me two OH I THOSE TEARS I5OPSY THK gninJud. ilon't those red jurasoU and IMJII- s Just muke vou iijamln any'more. but J'd like to Hf I iny hiwfs and huriis eJ up the new green hau tlw are wearing, THE HUMAN STEAMBOAT Two nrgru roustabouts nt N'ev Orleans wore continually braeslns aboul their ability ss lonff-tllsianci swimmers, and a steambuiU man (JO up a malcb. The man who swam th longest distance wns to receive five dollars. The Alabama Whule Iniinpdiaitl> stripped on the dock, but Uumsn Steamboat said lie hud sonic business And 'would return In a minutes. Tiie -sv.-am the river four or five tunes for exercise, utiJ by Ihut time the Human Steamboat returned. He a pair o( swimming trunks and neck The audience was total lack, for anyone who! Human Ste lestlfied to Sam's probity forthwith "Vfttles had a sh'.tt-lron cook stove >od on Jits Tied round his were a dozen The v gazed at opponent in amazement "Wh.ir yoV-.vUUes1.1 demanded .the Steamboat removed himself from the category the'category ul those who knew anything about the ralii'l I svrop off one of dem; lawyers for a irh'atr -the 'Don't yo' ask me fo" noihin' on the way ovah." warned the sUc-anitoat. "Muh fust stop Is New York an' man next stop la London." The proprietor of a menagerie Issued a placard offtflug' twenty pounds to whu would enter the "cage ol .he lion. .Towards the end of tho per- formance a, walked uy to ihi aatd: I have come to earn the twen- ty horror-alrlckcn. wlih derlslv sner-r. "Su you want to Into ih- lion's "Of said the rustic, "Come ou. then, I will open tUo for you ar.ii you can step In." "Well, yes." answered the country- man, turning to the audience with r broad on his face, "I am KOir-K In but the l-east will have to come ou first You knmv the Paver only say: auyone going into the cage shall hav wooden tip-c-itl" HOT WATER framp looked shrewdly at >Iia3 'aryi and she returned v.'Ith equal her expression did not soften in (he-least. Vou" ste, it's like this, ma'am. Six mor.ths ago I had a III tie home or my own. but-I made nn unfortunate mar- riage. My wife's temper was that-U-feept me In hot water all the lime." said Miss Wary, dryly. "It's a pHy there" couldn't have br.cn A HUlc poap with it. Only six months ago, did you During the a van- ish man who was uf cash en- ered a. bur and asked; for a glass ol whisky. "Did you sec the list Varslly asked tho barman. ''Xo, I did repUed the latter, who was etathuElast; "but 'd luvc tjiven five-dollars for the op- portunity." 't 'It Wits a. wonderful the 'irst man continued, sipping1 Use spirit, certainly missed groat game.' Tho'convtrsatlon was conllnued far some, time, otvd finally Ihe j.trson th'ft door uitboul paying for Ms refreshment. "I beg your the barni-in callcd'alter him; 'Vut didn't :tr- Ket lo pay "Why, olher lauglied. paid you five minutes ago, but I fnnc> you were too excited to notice It." Ms. head, guess the. laugh's on mo aM right, L said., "When I taU: football J 'Z? The irlcfcswr left Hie bar. and mel a friend, whom be told of nl eiperienc-. The upshot of the matte was that tho friend nlso enlerta lli bar, Intent oa .duplicatlnif the other' success. Tho barman drew the whisky to him, and" 'then the football converaa lEon was begun. The i-nlhiisiasm the .barman t hud not. lessened, a' soon tho two were Jn a healed arg incut on the merits" of tlic game a the players: After 5omc minutes ha elapFtd'ttie-man who.had ordered Th walked k-Isurcly towards th entrance. the barman cal. ed. "you didn't pay for that drink. 'Another chap .came "in here a few minutes ago. engaged me In an argu- ment'on football, and ;hen said thnl I was too excited to remember when he paid I'm Inclined to think he pul one over on me." "I'm s'ad you nientloned Ihe mat- tho Joker replied, returning ulckly to the counter, "Now that I Ink ot It, you forgot' to give me the innBO for Uiat shilling I save you a! w minutes ugu." FORGAVE HIS FAULTS for Is lie said, goirig over (o th.e aiitclpIeL-e, and leaning his liead ab- rdcleJly against Hie marble. "My before we arc marricJj nd while there is yel tiir.t to iy conscience bids me tell you about lyself. J have deceived you. 1 am ol the jioble-hearicd. unselfish, re- ined, and 'altogether desirable -man have lerl to believe. 'J have deceived you tven about my "Xot only am I forty Instead of blrty-four, Imt 1 am a widower. I tay out at night when 1 feel liko I smoke nil over the house, r.m articular about niy meals, find ault.all the time-, bliinie the servants, lever go finywliert to oblige nnyone drink more thau to, and foci, am a vulgar, dUugreeable, ;ruff. Inhospitable, incon- ilderate. insufferable nuisance." ''Tell snld (he fair creature he iddressed. repressing with'a. conscious ook of: pride an Inward fhudder; .re chairman nf I'itcher's I'ork Fack- ng. Company, and you nwn the and rounds- that showed me; don't "I du." "And the beautjful aharc you asked me lo look al, and four acres in the heart of "the sh'opijiim dlstrEcl are nil JheyT' '.They nn; dearest." 'r said 'the. imiHsniitycd an.i slill r.idtanl creature by his Fide, ny ng. ivlth all your fan It F, I 1 3 you sllll." HIS LEAST NEED A poor fellow, weak from Iiunycr, had collapsed in the street. A crowd gathered round, and ttini, as is always 'the way. three fir licyan to shove li.ick the crowd, yetl- Ing: him air: Give lifm At this (lie sufferer raised his licnd- smlled bltlerly. and said: "Air? Oivc me ntr? Why, ye-ntF. I've bad noth- ing filr for tho last chiee days." .SOT C Eel.f-madc man never 'er head? "J.lon? Lion Hie nmbj mrftn. Ho-butls like a battcr- ing-rnm." DESERVED, HIS TIP gentleman wii'j frequently vlsiicd Ireland -'generally flUipprd ami dined at the samc'tioicf (tn arrfval one Uay he itcrccived a wrliten notice on the Eookinjj-glass in the Umchton-room, which ran AS follows: ".Slranscrfl arc iiartlcularJy cd not to give uny monoy to tho walt- crfi, na aitenilrincr; Is clMrucd for .In Tho wftJUr who had aUemtci! on s him reading tho h'itn.al dinner this notice. .s "Oh mister, cure thai rion'l concern yon In any nay. Vour honor was made a hlranger of In this hotel." NOT AS EXPECTED Young Mr. Cnfirlcfl was plainly em- Arranged, and ttWSmllh knew wh.it was comlnK-rtr llmught ?lic Smith." he said, feverhh- "coiiTJ your father lor .t "CtVlalnly. >lr. And, licrxclf. she swept froin W parlor. 1're'sently the oM rr..in camfl .Tfter a run verbal Ion ivUii ?ir. Is gettlTiif sold Mr. wliose f-tce "nnd, us 1 A Ions ride heforc me, J think I will n.iy good-nlghl. Khnll t find at home on Wetlnrsdiy, Miss Sllsa Smllh him th.it he u'AtilJ. and .Mr. Charles Wfls en rouio for' Clflpham.. "Oh, pflpn." she bejjnn. -You must rnl -isk THE STING'AT THK END u. Al'ft polltlcAl mcclini! llic. cnltl -fcnti mvft n fccfcl." speaker wiin'a IjiuliUni; or.ilor who! ..j know. Icivccf to hink (n inililirily. KnH ihu tnlgtil Rlvc mo n ILllle elialnn.Tn. xfatplni; (M ranker l.y llicililnl of wtifll II K wonl, w mm on the t-yr.cni.'iSon'nf tils lonK n'1- "Icur like n S of nonj the j-nu man lota of lo I.MIOW fourn'.r.cc lo vtry wltTil" ;