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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald, The (Newspaper) - November 15, 1912, Lethbridge, Alberta A CERTAIN SPECIFIC JfHS. BANGS: "The people in the next suite to ours are awfully annoying. They pound on the wall every time our Annie alngs. I wlah wo knew of some way to drive thorn out of the flat" Mrs. Wangs: "Why not let Annie keep on A MATTER OF EDUCATION. 1WAS sitting: on a keg of nails In a West. Virginia mountain store watching a native dickering with thi merchant over a trade of a basket o S3 fur a calico dress. After somt time a bargain was closed; the native walked out with the dress In a bundk under his arm and I followed him. "il isn't "any business of sal3. ''but I was Watching that: trade n-'.ul was surprised to sec you let the Egg's go for the dress." "What he linked in astonish- ment, as he mounted his horse. many eggs did you have" "Basket full." "How many "Dunno. Can't count." "That's where you miss the ad- vantage of education. With know- loijra you might have pot two dresses "But didn't want two dresses, mis- ter." ho nrgued. "Perhaps not. but that was-no rea- why yoi. should have paid two prices for one. The merchant trot the of you because of his edu- cation. He knew what he was about." He a! me for a minute as If ho Celt real" sorry, for me. .Then he' grinned and pulled his horse over close to mo. "I he half whispered, cast 1 furtive glances toward the ston "his efltllffitfqn ain't so much more' m'.no you think It Is. He don' know how many uv them nljrs la snil od. an' I and he rode away hefort I roulrt argue .T.' Lamp '.n Fun. SHADES DIDN'T MATCH. "YOU'VIS decided not to de- manded the motor-car agent, in- credulously. "But, my dear sir, I re- spectfully submit that you've taken a long time to find that out. W'hy, you've had the free use of this car for a week. May I asic what's the said Cheekley "It's a serious trouble.- The red-leather seats, lu the tonneau don't match my wife's hair by three shades." BETTER DEAD. "YOUR in Id the prosecuting attorney, in a. backwoods court, "the prisoner at the bar Is charged with killing one of the most exemplary "sens of country. Jonei, your honor, was In every respect a model man. lie a member of the Church j he was never known to bet oh horses, play cards, drink whisky, or use tobacco. He-----" "Hold on a said the Judge. "Vou say he was never to bet in a "That's what I said, your honor." "Never waa known to play "Never, your honor." "And he never drank "Never drank a drop, your honor." "And ho didn't chew "Never took a chew in his life." "Well, then." said the Judge. "I don't see what he wanted to live for. There wasn't anything in life for him, and I don't see why he ain't about as well off dead as alive. Release the prisoner and call the next case." A STUDY SURELY DUE TO HIM. "la It customary to tip the waiters in this Waiter: fir." "Then hand me a tip. I've waited hree-quarters of an hour for that steak i ordered." (with Tea! I certainly think your husband has good dresses so quietly. Lady (with On the contrary, my should hear him when tie loses his collar-stud. TRAVELED OK HIS WITS. S tral" approaching Linn dltdno a man noticed a lady tool Ing troubled, and uked her what wa tho matter. "I've loot my ticket." .aid the lad "Oh, never mind: I'll work a lltt dodge on tho ahJ he not h own ticket out of his pocket and tor tha corner off and gavo the ticket t [the lady. When ths train arrived tho station the collector -took th l.ticketi.'" "Where Is your ticket, ho askc of the gentleman. "I gave it to you." "No, .you replied the collect or, "I shall have to call the station master." When tho station-master arrived h, said, 'Where Is your ticket, young man r' "I gave It to the collector. I he has a ticket with a corner torn replied the .sharp man. On searching the collector found It said the young man, "see If thl. fit. It." he hlm ,hc of the ticket. The collector crept away from the carriage dumbfounded. TUB STRONGEST ARGUMENT. In your opinion, is Lhe strongest argument' in favor of woman Clever mental cal- bre of the women who oppose It." SOAP AND WATER. JANE wiuj an excellent ser- vant, but slio had one fault .She was like the sir] of Tooting lice In the Pantomime, ivlio "washed her face bu forgot her neck." At least, Mary'wasn't quite so bad a all that, but she was wont to ap- pear sometimes 'with a grimy face. Her-mistress, moreover, had reprov- ed her about this several time: "Look here, shoTnS "Why don't you wash your face In hot water nnd soap two or three times a day? It will make you beautiful then." Mary was rather nettled at being so many times about her little and her reply was short and to the point. "Will it really, she answer- ed "Then Ifa a pity you never tried WENT HIM OXE BUTTER. grandmother had been telling him Bible stories, his fav- orite being that of Daniel In the lion's den. At the age of four he was taken to a circus fpr the first time. When the lion-lamer put his. head into the mouth Andrew's excitement knew no bounds. Jumping Up and uown he- gleefully screamed- "Gee, that knocks the spots off Dan-' lei! j HE WAS AN EARLY RISER JJIATHER: "Mabel, you might give that young man .who comes to see you In the evenings.n message." Mabel, blushing: "Yes, father." Father: "Tell htm that we've got no objection to him running- the gas bills, but we'd rather he didn't carry away the morning piipe'r t with him when he Opinion. CLEVER ONOS'TOp OFTEN. QLEVER wasn't the word for It. He was gimply bubbling over with bralna. He _ was looking for a Heat In the crowded express, but there were no corners left. Suddenly h.o conceived idea. Assuming an official BROKE THE LAW JUSJTOMER: "'Waiter. I notice that the servants In this establishment are to receive stalked up to the end coach, arid cried, in a stentorian voice: "All change! This car Isn't going." There were angry exclamations, and a general exo'diis from the crowded car as the occupants hurriedly scrambled out and sorted themselves Into other portions of tho train. The.7emile on the young man's face was bland and childlike as he com- fortnbjy settled, himself in one of the seats. he cried, "it's a splendid thing to be clever! But I wish they'd hurry Up and Just- then along came the station- aster, and thai official popped his head into tho wintibw. "I he remarked, "you're the smart young- man who told the people this replied the young man. answered the suitlonmastc "you were right. The 'cor Isn't goin and the Waiter "Sir, ever Bince my earliest .childhood I have been a brilliant noted for my, disobedience, i broke air. he my nidther's .heart through it. I-__ Thank you, THE IDIOTIC ADVICE "Have you been anywhere Patient: "I went to see the chemist In our village." Dentist: "And what Idiotic advice did he give Patient: "He told f to come and see you, Opinion IN THE DRUG -_--r. TTAVE you any five-cent asked the "Vo." replied the druggist; "but wo ELVG BoirfSihlngr Just 'as-- good.' -Here's ten-cent IT 'WOULD-BE APPRECIATED. reform are ydu" inleresteil 'in "I'm advocating that people, be} paid juble for the work they do when; they on't feel like working." NOT 3E rigid observance oC En_ rules in- the South Carolina Cour and a neglect of the same on the pa of Mr. Petigrii, a barrister well know ills day, gave rise to the followii passage: "Mr, suid the judge, "yc lave on a light coat. You can peak." "May it please the said th barrister, "I conform strictly to th aw. Let me Illustrate. The law say he barrister shall wear a black gow nd coat, and your honor thinks tha means a blnck said the judge. 'Woll, tho law nays tha sherlf liall wear a cooked hftt and sword your honor hold that the sword mat be eockod (is well an the Ho WIIH permitted to go on. eooli iH ll tl'eitBur8'" "You're In he tier luck than mos ponpla, "I wasn't till lately. You see, nhi hftrf-a row with grocer, and to re- venge hersfclf slid la very irtvlnu with the yrooarlna, 'i'ho bill IH only half hat It. used (o 1m." SOMETHING HIS LANGUAGE SLIP JERR VON SCRAPE (who has not come In evening "I hope at you will excuse me, madame, zat do not come In my nightdress." MADE RESIGNING EAST IIDN Mark Smith, of Arizona, was a boy, ho lived on a big plantation! DUTY FIRST. JJE was an immaculate' servant. watch him serve a salad was t watch an artist at work. To hear h subdued accents. w.tts a lesson In th art of voice production. He neve slipped, he nover smiled, and his mul ton-chop whiskers marked him as on of the old and faithful stock. But on evening, to the surprise ot his mustoi he showed unaccountable signs o nervousness. When the chicken cam on he confused it with the pheasant He nerved everything: in the wrong o der, made blunder after blunder, mm put a final touch to his shame by up- setting tho salt over the only super- stitious member of the party. Then at last, when the ladles had retired to the drawing-room, he touched hi; master on the shoulder. "I beg your pardon, he said, In a respectful undertone, "but could you manage to spare me now? My hous< ia on fire." SURE REMEDY. editor of the correspondence columns had had a busy day__a very busy day indeed. So busy, in fact, that he had to enlist the ser- vices of John, the office boy, to read out.the correspondence-, "What Is the next he ask- ed, whon-he had gone halfway through tho pile of letters. said John, "a reader in South OUGHT TO BE.EASY JpOND Is a photograph of my eldest son when lie was, and I to make one ot him as lie Is now." haven't you brought him with Fond no. I thought you could make an enlarge- ment from MAKING THE 'JUDGE JUMP QN'R of the most eloquent that pleaded -Jn a court of law had a ccrk leg. None but the' most his .acquaintances know for certain' which was the _..._. One day .he was engaged in case when a young to utilise his knowledge "forks' personal benefit- _ The celebrated counsel was pleading In hfi mostr earnest manner when tho younr lawyer whispered to a stranger near see hov earnest Rusti is J'll bet you a pound that I can run( a Pin' In his leg rig-ht up to the and he will .hover Know it." bet: was booked.' ,iThe was took a Jong pin hia vest rjhd, leaning drove "it' up to the head In' the lawyer's- iegv t A yell, blood-curdling and more aw- ful' than -that an -Intfijiii, .made the hair of the 'jury stand'on end and the judge to jump from the bench. "Great Scoti" exclaimed the wag1 'Jt was the.wrong ley, and lost'1 my _ MADE HIS MARK Kentucky. It was in slave wants to know how to prevent nd one of his father's slaves was who was the preacher for built a small I hair, out. in his moustache from falling What have I to put down, sir? ncle Jke, lo place. Smith's father had iu prevent nairs from falling out is to lurch on a corner of the plantation, brush them Jlghtly apart-andkeen nd Uncle Ike held forth there every'them from qimrrelln P mday. Thfe was pleasing to Ike replied the editor, after pause. "Just put down. 'The best way to prevent hairs from falling; out Is to 'HE Visitor: "Have you any of that delicious, porkple wo "had from you lost Jhc Olrl sir, I 'aven't; you see the little pigs have been ecause It not only.gavo him a chance exhort tho negroes, hut it absolved m from any of the Sunday chores. One Sunday Mark went out by tho irn and found Uncle Ike sitting dis- consolately under a tree. "Look here, said Mark "why ain't you down there "Well, Mario Ike replied, "I ain't goln' to preach to dcm nlggahs no more. They's always flg-htin' 'niongst. theyseives, an' I'm sick ah1 rw un' done quit preacinnv- "Stop your lying, said Mark "Ton wouldn't quit such n soft snap as that. What's tho j 1 iVuii, Mars Ike replied you mus' know, dcm Iriflln' nlg'gahs iar.a sent me my rcslgnashun." UXUSED. "SIR- lmvo ot English Uternture In my library." "Yes, and I notice they arc uncut gems." i GOOD ADVICE. N Italian who kept a friill-alnml was much annoyed by possible :omern who made a practice of hntid- IIIR tho fruit and pinching It, thereby caving It softened and often spoiled. Exanperated beyond endurance, he fin-' illy put up a sign which read: If you must plncha rJe plnciM, to cocoanuU leg ban-in' it's glvln now an' agin." tho wnodfn "Werry well, squire mo a hit o' pain "Olvlns you pain? pan man! You're merely imag- nglng It." "Xot so wcrry ridlc'lous, sqxilre, when my missus puts it across my Comic LICo, He. looked like his bro ther and I hit him. Waller: Couldn't you toil then apart? Bllklns: I couldn't then, but now there is a marked difference. RUN OUT. whispered Paddy. He was crouching beneath -tho sign of the three balls, watching alert, anc ie had no ears for thi? pleasantries oi lis old friend, Mick. "What's the matter, lorocl Mick, anxiously. Paddy laid a finger on his lips. "Have you gone pursued Mick, unheeding. "Tell me, Patrick, vhat Is 'Tt's like whispered Paddy. "It's Just twelve months to-day I pawned my and I'm told In a twelvemonth it'll run out. Never a xvora, JVUCK, i'm standin: horo to bo ready for it as U comes running through t'hu doorway." .SHE STUMPED HIM. JN a recent debate at the Wichlt High School the woman-suffrag- amendment was under discussion. be unwise to give woman th declared a budding Danli, Webster in attacking the proposition "Woman could not be relied upon t exercise good judgment In voting. Sh changes, her mhul far too often." The1 next" speaker was a young wo man. She arose and cast a pltyln glance at her opponent. "I would like to ask my opponent" she cooed sweetly, "if he ever tried change a woman's mind once It was made The young woman got the decision POSSIBLY. would you do If you had Immortal youth? would probably sit up lights to grumble because I could not old. READY FOR TSE HOLIDAYS Pk'ELICAN who happened to have a fair-sized nasal organ was one' Day when a piece of wood jumped tip and hit him on the bridge of the nose, cutting it right across. ,'His wife dressed it. very carefully, and put on'i a large patch of sticking-pia'stor. An hour or two after a woman who was 'passing tlu-ough .the .village called at the house and ordered a pint of beer. On pay- Ing'for the peer she looked at the pub- lican and said: "Are you going for your holidays, r 'No. What makes you "Oh, said the woman. "I thought perhaps you were when I see you've got your trunk labeled." slow nowx TO 05. residents of one of tho smaii California towns near Los Angeles were annoyed at the constant speed- ing of motor drivers over the good roads of that section, and sp, ifter los- ing several chickens and dogs under the wheels of passing ears, they made a protest by erecting a iKU-casticaliy- worded signboard, reading: "Slow down to 06 miles." Many a driver who would disregard the ordinary caution to run at the legal rate of twenty miles an hour Is forced grin at the humor this appeal, and proceeds at a more reasonable peed. A NAAIE FOR BABY gHE: "They -haven't found a name HB SCORED 1SADLV. (pleading his "My father cn-me in for some money last week." She: "Yes, he.cnme in for a liver, ut my father wouldn't lend It to' Im." for that baby in the flat unntalw yet." Ho: "The one that cries "Yes." "Well, that's Btrange! The neigh- bors have called H everything they could think THE ONE SURE WAY DECIDEDLY PROBABLE. lTB i'roud II cart-breaker: "That's a nice iiUhi fiirl. Got nn appoint- ment with her to-night. Wonder If ie'Jl 11." The Other One: "Oh. I think so. Siio kept one she had with me tho oihur A ZOOLOGICAL PROBLEM. SAY, .Tolin, It they call those big liners cccan greyhounds, what do you suppose they'll call Oh, thej'Il probably call thtm sky Qj-rlers." JF hotel pages, porters, end coat-room boys annoy you with their' nttentlons, try ;