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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald (Newspaper) - November 5, 1912, Lethbridge, Alberta NOW. WHAT COULD IT BE USED FOR > viPRbSPECTlVE TENANT: "Yob, IVb a nlco llttlo barf-room, Emma. What could we use It for?"-London Opinion, BACK TO EARTB. {SWEETHEARTS, they sal close to Kether on the pier, looking awos' acroi-B the bay at the whlte-wIngcd yachts. "Dearest!" he whispered. "Yes, dearest!" she replied. "Aren't all these people ^ nuisance?" ho Queried. "It's a pity there's such a lot of there." she answered. "Wouldn't It be scrumptious, dearest, to be on an Island, with the blue ky overhead and feathered sonEsters In the woods-Just you and 1?" "Ice cream!" came a raucous cry from the " beach, Interrupting the lover's rhapsody. Then the lady spoke, love ^Tltten plainly In every lino of her pretty face. "'Orace," she remarked, "I could just do with a raspb'rj' and vanilla, couldn't you?" TSBTD BEEN BEFORE. fPHE busy housewife, who believes *� that plenty of hard work never hurts onybody, was laid up with a bad cold when her raald left: so she asked her husband to go down to the registry oftire about another. Ho started at ten o'clock in the-morning, and returned at three, worn and tired. . "What's the matter, imy lovo?" asked the wife solicitously,^ as he sank Into a chair beside her bod. "Were Ihero no servants at the office?" "Yes, heaps of 'em," replied he, with a groan; "but, unfortunately, they'd all worked for us bofortl" . HIS DUTY OOOD REASOy. As th� train whirled through tho beautiful valley, the Inqulsitivo traveler persisted In sticking his head out of the window to got a better view of the scenery. "Keep your head Inside can't you?" shouted the conductor. "Why?" "So's you won't damage any of the Ironwork on the bridges." ^'EXT TIME. ^HB label "Lioness" was hung under the compartment containing the male, whilo the words "African Lion" adorned the lair of the female. When the attention of the keeper was called to the mistake, ho scratched his head thoughtfully. "Them guys make mo tlrod!" he grumbled- "Now 1 a'pose I'll have to fix It." To tho astonishment of the onlookers the keeper entered the- den, where, with many a shout and many a crack of his big whip, he forced tho huge beasts to crawl through nn iron door In the partition and change places- When ho had finished, tho keeper! backed through tho door of the cage, i flicked a few particles of dust from ; his uniform, and expressed his sentiments In the following words: "It them guys over does that trick again, I'll make them change the cards!" , PERSONALITIES THE QUEER UllERICK. CSAID the bride, "Here's my first ^ batch of biscuit. Just wait, from tho oven I'll whiscuit." How tho poor Woman cried When her husband replied, "Let it burn! I don't think I could riscuit!" ACME OF PATIENCE. "^E'S tho most patient man I ever knew." "That so?" "Yes, he can even herd a bunch of people together to have a group picture taken without losing his temper." AN OBLIGING SHOPKEEPER ^JOHNNIE: "I say-aw--will you take that green tie with tho yellow spots out of tho window?" Shopkeeper: "With pleasure, sir. Glad to take anything from the window." Johnnie: "Aw-thanks. The beastly thing's bothered me every time I passed the bally shop. Good-morning!"-London Opinion. JJARBER: "Your hair's getting very thin on top. sir." Customer: "What's that to do with you! I didn't make any remarks about your beastly red nose, did 1?" EQUAL TO THE EVEIiOENCY. "PfE was a wily old lawyer, and had Instructed his client, accused of theft, to weep whenever ho struck the desk with his hand. In the heaf of his argument, however, he struck tho desk at tho wrong moment. His client promptly began to sob with great energj-. "What Is the matter with you?" asked the judge severely. "He told me to cr>' when ho struck the desk," said the prisoner, as she lifted a pair of dry oyis from her handkerchief. A laugh Immediately rang round the room, but tho lawyer was not abashed, "It Is not possible," ho said, when the laughter had subsided, "that anyone here can reconcile the idea of crime with such candor and simplicity." _ HAD QUITE A FEW. "J�AVE you any children. Jones?" "Oh, yes. Y'ou know Robinson?" "Which Robinson-Jonathan?" "Yes-" "Know him very well- What's that got to do with it?" "I'm going to tell you- He and I have fifty-one between us." "What are you talking about? You must be crazy. AVhat do you mean?" "Oh, he lives on one side of the orphan asylum, 'and I on the other." CLEVER ! THE DOER. "go you want a position In my firm?" said tho merchant to tho applicant. "Well, what wero you in your last job?" , "A doer, sir," answered tho sad-cyed applicant. "What's that?" asked tho employer. "Well, sir," said tho sad-oycd ono, "I was tho doer and tho rest wero tho tellers. When my guv'nor wanted n thing done he would tell tho cashier, tho cashier would tell It to tho bookkeeper, and tho bookkooper would tell it to his assistant, his assistant would tell It to tho chief clerk, and the chief clerk would tell It to mo." "And what would happen then?" "Well, sir," replied tho snd-cyod applicant, "as I hadn't got anyone to mention It to I'd go and do it." A PERFECT CURE. "T)OES anyone suffer from the slcep-, walking habit?" asked tho professional joker at a largo gathering. Smithson- who alw.iya fancied himself to bo delicate, roso to tho occasion. "Yes, I do," ho said. "Have done for years. Do you know any remedy?" "Yes," said tho jokar. "I have a prescription here I will glvo you- Talto It to a hardware store." "A hardware store?" Smithson thought ho must have heard wronsly. "Yes, a hardware store- The prescription consists of a.paper of tacks. Dose: Two tablespoontuls to be scattered about the room at bedtime." HAD IT ALL THE TIME PIRST JIONKKY: Second Jlonkcy: tolme." "Did Mnlonoy givo yo tho black eyeT "No; only tho blaclt. Oi had tho cyo all tho WHY HE WA.S "SCALES." "ARE you 'Boots'?" blustered tho Englishman in tho American hotel. "No," replied the boy addressed-"They call me 'Scales'" The Engllalinuin was myatitlcd. '"Scales,' ch? That's a queer name. What do they call you 'Scales' for?" "Because I get tipped so often." HIS MANLY SPIRIT. A -STURDY Scotsman had been having a dispute with liis wife, which resulted In his taking refuge under the bed. As she stood on guard with a good-sized stick in her hand, he called lustiijr from his retreat: "Yo can lam mo and ye can bate me, Iiut yo canna break ma manly spirit. I'll nao come oot!" JUST AWFUL. "T HE.-\n old Bill has been working all this week." 'Yes : aint It terrible what some people will do for money!" tj^tihi i^atij-Look here, you said that i� I'd give you your dinner you'd mow the lawn for me. The Hobo-I'd Uko to do It, ma'am, but I gotter te.ieh yer a lesson. Never trust the word of a total stranger.- Fun. TOO BUSY FOU BUHINESS. TN a quiet little country town, so quiet that tho silence hurt, a commercial traveler entered tho general ptoro. Going through to tho parlor at tho back, ho found the proprietor and it friend having a gome of dmughtB. "Here, Mr. Slocum," he said, In an energetic whisper, "thero are two customers In tho shop." Slocum never raised his eyes from tho board. He merely shook his head, <%nd whispered in reply: Ji^RlRND; "Everybody is talking about your indignant refusal to allow your name to bo connected with that fake mining scheme." Tho Senator: "Yes, Won't tho suck- "Thttt's all right. Keep quiet, and ff^l' for 'ho next ono when I lend thoy'H. go away again!" my name to it!"-Puck. A SUGGESTION FOR THE NEW RICH 1 2|j['KWLV RICH Of Boolal Btrueglln? temperaments, who vylsh to have their, neighbor* appreciate their financial status, may uso the front-Walk uuggestlon to good solf-advortlBlnB advantage.- Judge. A REMARKABLE HAPPENING. AN ELDERLY' gentleman of rural .appearance had hardly seated himsolt in the crosstown street .car when a young lady who had followed him in approached him. "Sir, did you loso a five-dollar bill?" she asked- For a moment tho farmer observed her 'with a surprised, curious look, then said convincingly, "Yes, ma'um, I did." "Then here it is," said she, handing the bill to him. "I picked it up behind you from the car floor." "Thank ye very mucli, young lady, for your honesty. This Is a most remarkable happening!" "Oh, I don't think so, sir! 1 believe every one* should return the money In such a case as this. What Is there so remarkable about It?" "Why, X lost .my five-dollar bill two years ago!" TOO HEALTHY. 'pHB two villagers wero talking In the little lane, "Your father must be getting pretty well on In years," said the one to the other. "Yes, father's nigh on to ninety-" "Health goodr' "No, not jest now. He baln't feolln' himself for some time back." "What seems to be tho trouble?" "I don't know. Sometimes I think farmln' don't agroo with him." A PUZZLER. �7HEN Doris climbed on her father's knee it was plain that a deep problem was troubling her. "Papa, was It a wise person who said, 'Tho good dlo young?'" "Yes," ho replied, "1 suppose must havo been very wise." "Well," tho child replied, after thinking It over for a time, "I'm not 80 much BurprLsod about you, but 1 don't suo how mamma managed to gel growod up." A GOOD SALESMAN J^ADY: "Have you any creams tor restoring tho complexion?" Druggist (tactfully): "Restoring, miss? Y^ou mean preserving." Lady: "Yes. Glvo me half-a- dozen bottles!"-London Opinion. ho pAT: "I've such a Joke on the railway," Mike: "What is It?" Pat: "I've bought a return ticket and I'm not comln' back." FOILED AGAIN HEARTLESS HUBBY. IT'inST Clubwoman (a few years honco); "Men are enough to drive a woman crazy!" Second Clubwoman: "Indeed they are." First Clubwomon: "Only think! For five nights last week I remained at the club terribly late, and yet when I wont homo I didn't find my husband, watting at the top of tho stairs to upbraid me with neglect. The hoartloss brute was In bed sleeping liko a top, and actually hiuU�4 tn bla ar�aina." TOO MUCH TO 00 THROUGH. A LAWYER picked his way to the edge of tho subway excavation and called down for Michael Flnnerty. "Who'.s wantln' me?" Inquired a large, raw-bonod voice- "I am." said the lawyer. "Mr. Fin-norty, did you come from Cosllebar. County Mayo'."' "I did." "And was your mother named Mary and your father named Owen?" "They was." "Then. Mr. Finnerty," said tho lawyer, "It is my duly to Inform you that your Aunt Kate has died In tho United States, leaving you an estate of $40,000 In cash." There was a pause and a commotion down below- "Mr. Finnerty," called the lawyer, craning bis nock over tho trench, "are you coming?" "In wan minute." said Mr. Finnerty. "I Just stopped to lick the foreman!" For six months. Mr. Finnerty, In n high hat and with patent shoes on his feet, lived a life of elegant ease, trying to cure himself of a great thirst. Then ho wont back to his old Job at $1.25 a clay. It was there In tho excavation that the lawyer found him the second tlmo. "Mr. Finnerty," he said. "I've more news for you. It is your Unole Terence who's dead now In tho United States, and ho has left you anotlter $25,000." "I don't think T can takfi It," said Mr. Finnerty, leaning wearily on lil.s pick. "I'm not as strong ns T wanco wos; and I'm douhtin' U' I could go through all that again and llvo!"-Tit Bits. COULDN'T HELP IT. "TV T wero you I wouldn't lin n fool." said one man to another, with whom ho had been having a heated dlscusRlon. "True," replied tlii other, calmly "Tho unfortunate part of It is that you are yourBclf." A BORE. H'^OWNK: "Did you ever notice nny-tlilTi?? funny about WItte's oonver-Bntlon?" Prowtlf; "Funny? I plio'ilrt ony not Then" \� nbrnliitoiv no point In it" Towiio: "ThTt'M tho fiinnv irnrt of it. Hnvlnr no nolnt, how Is It that it bores so quickly?" A(ADE THE MOST OF IT. A roon pe.-iaant on his deathbed made his will. Ho called his wit* to Iitni and told her of its provisions. "I have left," ho said, "my horse to my parents. Sell it, and hand over to tlicm tho mpney you receive. I leave you my dog; ho is valuable, and win servo you faithfully-" Tho wife promised to obey, and In due tlmo set out to tho neighboring market with the horse and tho dog, "How much do you want for your horse?" enquired a farmer- "I cannot sell tho horse alone, but you can h.ivo both at a reasonable rate- Glvo mo ten pounds for the dog, and flvo slillllngs for tho horse." The farmer laughed, but aa tlie terms wero low, ho willingly accepted them. Then tho worthy woman gave to her husband's piirents tho five shillings received for tho horse, and kept tho ten pounds for herself.-Tit-Bits. NOTHING SO CHEAP. "^^RE you girls going to havo a daisy chahi at your commencement exercises'-"' "I should say not- Tlioro are nono but rich girls at our school. Wo are going to have an orchid chain." WANTED A LIVE OAK A DIPLOMAT. fTHB mayor of a French town liafl In accorilanco with the regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectublo lady of his acquaintance, wlio. in spite of a slight disflguremont. was very vain of lier personal ai)l)caranco. His native politeness prompted him to glo.ss over tlio defoct, anil after a moment's reflection he wrote among tho Items of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tnnrtcr, expressive, but ono of them missing," WHY? ATRS. NEWEDD-Jaclc. dear, I want you to get your life insured. Nowedd-Why? Aro you going to do your own cooking?' THE BLACK ONES JJE^OUNDING thumps wero applied to the portcullis. "Ah-hah!" Joyfully cried tho householder, thrusting his head out of tho second-storey window, "You are Op. portunlty knocking at my door, and-!' "Naw!" was tl\e reply, "I'm tho ooN lector, for them there cyolojpodlaB you bQUght,"'-Batlr* - ^ v \ gERTIE: "I-aw-want you "to-aw- send some coals-aw-" Coal Man: "Yes, sir. What kind?" Bertlu: "Oh, black!" QLARENCE: "Think of mo as tho sturdy oak, and you as tho clinging vine, my sweet." Editha; "Yes. But be a llvo oak, Clarence, dear!"-Puck. THE BEST FAMILIES. ri'^HE Mistress (Interviewing servant; in searcli of work-perhaps)-Antl have you had any oxporlonoo in talcing care of children? Tho Maid (with proper contempt)- No, ma'am, certainly not! I havo always worked for tho very best families. EVER.NOTICE ITf "VOU never see a lot of women star-. ^ Ing at a man," said tho striking blondo lady. "You don't, ch?" replied Mr. Grow-clier. "You ought to notice what happens to a man wlio keeps his seat in a crowded street car," NOT THE ONLY PEBBIB. ^HE llttlo daughter of a woman nm-hltlous to get into society burst into the kitchen, w^hero tho colored servant sat peeling potatoes. "Oh, Jlathlldn!" Blio crlod. "Mamma's got her name In tho Blue Book!" "Wha' dat?" returned the servant. Vln do Blue Book? Dat am nothln'. Ah got mine in do Red Book!" "In the Rod Book!" "Yas, in do Red Book. Dat am do color ub do pity dlrootory, ain't U7" WHY MARRIED MEN ARE NICE ^RABELLA: "All the nicest men seem to bo married." Amora: "I don't suppose they wore always nice. They've Just boon well trained since;" ;