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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald, The (Newspaper) - November 4, 1912, Lethbridge, Alberta NOW. WHAT COULD IT BE USED FOR "PROSPECTIVE TENANT: "Yes, it's a nice llttlo barf-room, 12mma. What could we use it Opinion, lot BACK TO EARTH. CJWEETHEARTS, they sat closo to sether on the pier, looking a' across tho bay at the whlte-winge yachts. he whispered. "Yes, she replied. "Aren't -all. these people a ho aueried. "It's a pity there's such she answered, "Wouldn't it be scrumptious, dear est, to be on an island, with tho blu eky overhead and feathered songster In the you and "Ice came a raucous crj from the 7 beach, interrupting the lover's rhapsody. Then the lady spoke, love wrlttc: plainly in every line of her prettj face. she remarked, "I could just do with a raspb'ry and vanilla couldn't TSETD BEBX BEFORE. fpHB busy housewife, who believes that plenty of hard work never hurts anybody, was laid up with bad cold when her maid left; so she naked her husband to go down to the registry of fire about another. Ho started at ten "o'clock in the morning1, and returned at three, worn and _ "What's tho matter, -iiiiy love asked the wife solicitously, as he sank Into a chair beside her bed. "Were there no servants at the "Yes, heaps of replied he, with a groan; "but, unfortunately, they'd nil worked for us HIS DUTY here, you said thai if I'd give you your dinner you'd mow the lawn for me. The like to do 1t, ma'am, but I getter teach yer a lesson. Neve, trust tlw word of a total stranger.- Fun. TOO BUSY FOR JN a quiet little country town, so quiet that the silence hurt, a com mercial traveler entered the general store. Going through to the parlor nt the back, he found the proprietor nnd a friend having a game of draughts. "Here, Mr. Slocum." he snid, in an energetic whisper, "there are two cus- tomers In the shop." Slocum never raised his eyes from the board. He merely shook hlg head, GOOD REASON. AS tha train whirled through tho beautiful valley, the Inquisitive traveler persisted In slicking his head out of the window to get a better view of the scenery. "Keep your head inside can't shouted the conductor. "Bo's you won't damage an ironwork on the y of the TIME. label "Lioness" was hung un- der the compartment containing the male, whllo tho words "African Lion" ndorned tho lair of tho female. When the attention of the keeper was called to the mistake, ho scratched his head thoughtfully. "Them guys mako mo ho grumbled- "Xow I s'pose I'll have to fix To the astonishment of the onlook- ers tho keeper entered the- den, where, with many a shout and many a crack of his big whip, he forced tho huge beasts to craw! through an Iron door i the partition and change places- 1 When he had finished, tho keeper sacked through tho door of the cage, 'licked a few particles of dust from i is uniform, and expressed his senil- j ments in the following words: 'If them guys ever does that trick again, I'll make them change tho THE QUEER LIMERICK. SAID the bride, "Here's my first batch of biscuit. rust wait, from the oven I'll whiscuit." How the poor woman cried When her husband replied, 'Let It burn! I don't think I could OF PATIENCE, TTE'S the most patient man knew." Thttt "Yes, he can even herd a bunch of eople together to have a group plc- ure taken without losing his temper." AN OBLIGING SHOPKEEPER "i you take that green tie with the yellow spots out of the Shopkeeper: "With pleasure, sir. Glad to take anything from tho Johnnie: The beastly thing's bothered me every time I passed tho bally shop. Opinion. JJARBER: "Your hair's getting voi thin on top. sir." Customer: "What's that to do wit you! I didn't mako any remarks abou your beastly red nose, did EQUAL TO THE EMERGENCY. JJE was a wily old lawyer, am instructed his client, accus id ha ised o ho struct theft, to weep whenever the desk with his hand. In the heat of his argument, how- ever, he struck the desk at tho wrong moment. His client promptly began to sob with great energy. "What Is the matter with ask- ed the judge severely. "He told me to cry when ho struck 'he said the prisoner, as she Ifted a pair of dry eyss from her handkerchief. A laugh immediately rang round the room, but the lawyer was not abashed. "It is not possible." ha said, when the laughter had subsided, "that any- one here can reconcile the idea of crlmo with such candor and simpli- city." HAD QUITE A FEW. "JJAVE you any children. "Oh. yes. You know "Which "Yes-" "Know him very well. What's that got to do with "I'm going to tell you- Ha and I have fifty-one between us." "What are you talking about? You must be crazy, 'what do you "Oh, he lives on one side of the or- phan asylum, 'and I on the other." CLEVER HIS MANLY SPIRIT. A -STURDY Scotsman had been hav- A ing a dispute with his wife, which resulted in his taking refuge under the bed. As she stood on guard with good-sized stick in her hand, he called lustily from his retreat: "Ye can lam me and ye can bate nic, but ye canna break ma ma.aly spirit. I'll nae come JUPT AWFUL. "T HEAH old Bill has been working A all this week." 'Yes; aint it terrible what so people will do lor LAYING BACK A REMARKABLE HAPPENING. ELDERLY gentleman of rural i appearance had hardly seated himself in the crosstown street car when n young lady who had followed' him in approached him. I dkl you I05C a five-dollar she asked. For a moment tho farmer observed 'with a surprised, curious look then said convincingly. "Yes ma'am did." 'Then here It Is." said sno, hand- ing the bill to him. "I picked [t I behind you from the car floor." 'Thank ye very milch, mdy for your honesty. This is a most re- markable 'Oh. I don't think so. sir! I be- lieve every should return the money In such a case as this. What Is there BO remarkable about "Why. I lost my five-dollar bill two years JfRlKND: "Everybody Is talking about your Indignant refusal to allow your name to be connected with that fake mining scheme." and whispered In reply: The Senator: "Yes. Won't the suck- "That's all right. Keep quiet, and ers fal1 for tne next one when I lend they'll go away niy name to A SUGGESTION FOR THE NEW RICH jjCj "VTEWTjY RICH of social struggling- temperaments, who iylah to havo their, neighbors appreciate their flnnnclal status, may ugo the front-walk suggestion' to good aelf-advcrtls'lng Judge. TOO HEALTHY. two villagers were talking in the little lane. "Your father must be getting pretty well on In said the one to the other. ''Yes, father's nigh on to ninety." "Health not jest now. He hain't himself for some time "What seeing to be tho "I don't know. Sometimes I think don't agree with him." A PUZZLER. yyilEN Doris climbed on her father's knee It was plain that a deep problem troubling her. "Papa, was it a wise person said, 'The good die ho replied, "I suppose must hiivo been very wise." the child replied, after thinking It over for n time, "I'm not! so much surprised about you, hut 1 don't sna how mamma managed to TUB DOER. ou want a position In my firm? said tho merchant to tho appll cant. "Well, what wero you in you last "A doer, answered tho sad eyed applicant. "Whai's asked tho employer "Well, said tho sad-eyed one "I was tho doer nnd the rest wero the tellers. When my guv'nor wanted thine- done he would tell tho cashier eashler would tell it to tho book- keepor, and the bookkeeper would tel It to his assistant, his assistant wouh tell It to tho chief clerk, and tho chief clerk would tell It to me." "And what would huupen "Well, replied iho sad-eyed n plicant, "us i hadn't got anyone mention It to I'd go and do it." to A PERFECT CURE. anyone suffer from tho sleep- walking asked the pro TC'ssional Joker at a largo gathering. Smlthson. who always fancied hlm- solf to be delicate, roso to tho occa- sion. "Yes, I ho said. "Have done for Do you know any said tho joker. "I have a here i will giro you. Take t to a hardware store." 'A hardware Smlthson thought ho must have eard wrongly. "Yea, a hardware store- The pre- cription consists of a, paper of tacks. Two tablespoonfuls to be scat-' cred about the room at bedtime." HAD IT ALL THE TIME TjMftST MONKEY: Second Monkey: to) me." "Did -Mnloncy give yo llio black "No; only tlio black. Ol hatl tho eyo all tho A1 el. 1IB WAS "SCALES." IRE you 'Boots' blustered the Englishman in the American bo- addressed. replied the boy They call me 'Scales.'" The Englishman was mystified. oh? That's a queer name. rhat do they call you 'Scales' "Because I get tipped so often." A GOOD SALESMAN ADY: "Have you any creams tor restoring the Druggist "Restoring, miss? You mean Lady: "Yes. Givo me half-a- dozen Opinion. "I've such a joko on the rail- way." Mike: "What is Pat: "I've bought a return ticket and I'm not comln' 'back." FOILED AGAIN who ho they HEARTLESS HUBBY. mST Clubwoman (a few years "Men are enough to drlvo a woman Second Clubwoman: "Indeed nre." First Clubwoman: "Only think! For five nlglUH hint week I remained at tho dub terribly late, nnd yet when T went home I didn't find my husband. waiting at. the top of tho Htalra to up- hrnlil mo with neglect Tho licnrtlcun bruto was in bod sleeping like a top, and actually BBillca In jlila thumps were applied to tho portcullis. joyfully cried tho house- holder, thrusting his lie.-ul out of tho second-storey window, "You are Op- portunity knocking nt my door, wan tho reply. "I'm the col- lector for them there cyclopedias you H- TOO MUCH TO GO THROUGH. LAWYER picked his way to the edge of the subway excavation and called down for Michael Finnerty. i "Who's wantin' inquired a larger raw-boned voice. "I am." said the lawyer. "Mr. Fin- nerty, did you come from Castlebar. County "I did." "And was your mother named Mary and your father named 1 "They was." "Then, Mr. said the law- yer, "it Is my duty to inform you that your Aunt Kate has died in the United States, leaving you an estate of in cash." There was u. pause and a commotion down below. "Mr. called the lawyer, craning Ms neck over the trench, "are you "In wan minute." said Mr. Finnorty. "I just stopped to lick the For six months. Mr. Finnerty. in a high hat and with patent shoes on his feet, lived n life of elegant pase, trying to cure hlmseli1 of a great thirst. Then he went back to his old Job at 51.25 n clay. It was there In the excavation that the lawyer found him the second time. "Mr. Finnerty." he said. "I've more news for you. It Is your Undo Ter- ence who's dead now In the United States, nnd he has left you another I don't think T can take It." salfl Mr. Finnerty, leaning wearily on hl.i pick "I'm not as strong T wance wiur and I'm doubtin' If I could go through all that again and Bits. A DIPLOMAT. mayor of a French to In accordance "ons, to mak. hari, with the rcfrwlri- out a passport for MADE TUB MOST OP IT. POOR peasant on his deathbed made his will. Ho called his wifa to him nnd told-her of its provisions. "I havo ho said, "my horse to my parents. Sell it. and hand over to them tho money you receive, I leave you my he Is valuable, and will serve you faithfully." Tho wife promised to obey, and In due time set out to tho neighboring market with the horse and the "How much do you want for your enquired a farmer- "I canuot sell tho horso alone, but you can have both at a reasonable rate. Give mo ton 'pounds for the dog, and five'shillings for'tho horse." The farmer laughed, but as the terms were low, he willingly accepted them. Then the worthy woman gave to her husband's parents tho five shillings received for the horse, ana kept tho ten pounds for Bits. NOTHING SO CHEAP. you girls going to have a daisy chain at your commencement ex- "I should say not. There are nono but rich girls at our school. Wo are Eoing to have an orchid chain." WANTED A LIVE OAK rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite 'of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. Ills na-- tlve politeness prompted him to gloss over the detect, and after a moment's reflection he wrote among the items of personal description: "Eyes dark. Iie.-iutiful. tender, expressive, but ono of them missing'." WHY? ptS. dear. 1 want you to get your llfo Insured. Am you going to do your own cookin; "F COULDN'T HELP TT. IF T were you T wouldn't be a fool. in Id one ninn to another, with whom he had been having a heated "True." other, calmly "The uufnrtnnato part of it Is that you are yoursi-lf." A BORIS. rpoWNK: ynu over noHrfi r tMrtr funny about. Witte's con Trowitf li "n- Townf: cR nnv- ver- "Fvirmy? T pinvilri cny not ltfil'itHv no in it" th" f'limv