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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald (Newspaper) - June 24, 1913, Lethbridge, Alberta Just to � Make CAUGHT I jQliD I,ADT: "IE yon will calch my dog for rnc, my boy. I'll pive yon a penny." Boy: "It's .all riprht, imrm; Jimmy's caught him. HI, Jimmy, bring tho lady's dog here!" A PHlLANTHTiOPrST. A T a banquet roc^ently William T^. McCombs, TTesident Woodrow Wilaon's campaign maaager, told ot a conversation In a club in whiich several pliilantliroplc personages -were mentioiKjd iind lauded to tlio skios. Thft conv�rao,tlon;iiad gone to some length, Mr.' McCombM saJd. when a man who was sitting- fn a corner afose with a merry Tsmll^ flitting over his teatures and broke ipto the grab-fest. "Your phllanthrbpista are ail rig'ht," ho remarlcSd, "bnt, I tnlnlc it is only Just that my next-door neighbor should bo included in the kindly-disposed bunch." "Wo are wining to add him to the" reisponded one cot the otbers, "but la ho so" gcncroosiy mcllned"?" "Woil, I should say uiat he is," was the emphatic deciaratlon of the first. "Dozens of tramps hammer at his back door and I have never known him to send one away empty-handed." "Vou don't mean it?" returned the second a trifle Incredulously, "ThaVfl rJsbt," reioimcd the first; "ho always glvefj them a leitter at introduction to me." Oi/E ON P.S.THSR. "p.^NT you keep adll, Dsvvid?" asked Mr. Mead from behind hla evening paper. "What aro yon dotos^" "Studyin* Latin," cam* the muffled answer, "an' I'm stuck." "Show it to me," ordered his father resignedly. Mr. Mead's Latin Was exceedingly rusty, and he, knowlns this fact, was wont to act with dt� caution. David broug-ht bis work o�er and explained where the trouble lay. It seemed that a certain word could not be found in the vocabulary, nor coul4 he guess whence the form was derived. The father .studied tho page for a moment and than said:: "Now, I>i*vid, I don't think I ought to help you. It in a great deal better (or you to puzzle things oat for ypursolf. In this case it's, merely � qucatlon pf j'our laiow-Ing your declenslona and conjijga-tlona." The lad worked till bedtime without succees. The next aftermoon he came home from school with a look of triumph, �'I'vo found out about that word!" lie anhounood. "Perseverance-" began his father "ThR teaoJwr told ua It was a misprint." . [JFTENTIMES musicians complain of lack ot appreciation, but here is a pleasant instance of one who won more, admiration than ho had ever uspired to. A Chinese Minister In Washington went to hear the Marine band play. ?articularly was he Impresacd with the trombone player; so miich so, in tact, that ho ottered lilm a handsome sngagoment in China, "I havfe ne.ver seen a Juggler," said tho visitor, "who couia swallow as nuch brass as you una spit it out igain,- and yot the people here regard It with an utter lack ot enthusiasm." THE HDirOR'S IMPRKHHION. rj^HE editor. looking over the poem, asked tho yoath who had snbraitteti it:; .....� "Did you write this poem yourself7" "Yes. sir. Do you like it?" the youth asked. "I thinic it is m^-ssnlficent," Said the editor. "Did you compose it unaided?" '1 certainly dld,'",8ald the young man, firmly. "1 wrote ievery lino of it out ot ray own head." The editor rose and said: "Then, Lord Byron, I am very glad to raeol you- But I was under the impression that you had died at Miaso-longlu a good many years ago." TaE liAMBS OF LOBHTERS "lytlJ 5'ou ever see tho najne a lobstoi is born wlthr' asked a fishmonger the other day. "It is marked on his person. No? Well, 111 show you one." Tho fish vendor took .-i lobster out of a heap on iht miirble slu-b. "It's name Is .Joe," ho s.aid, after he had inspected ono of iln Icga. ".Vow, can you find It?" The customor took thr, lobster Kin-gerly by the biick of the neck, where It could not reach his hand with Its nlppor.s. Turning it on its liack, ao tiuH the .short brown Ioi^h .-it its side flopped backward, a yellow streak half-an-Inch lonK" hhiI :in eighth ot an Inch wide was seen on the Insul'.' of the thigh. in thte yellow .streak, like a mosiuc. wore short Unas, as though some one had printed on it with Indelible brown Ink in backhiind llie characters JOK, "Some lol)stei-s lire named Jim." the fi.'ihmongcr said; "some Jauk, others John, and I oneo clearly made out the namo Julia." HOW HE Dill IT. '"pHlC poor old delinquent v.i when the Jud^e looked al turn he shook hig head pityingly. "What am I going to do with you this time?" ho mufied. "Lcmmo off, your honor," begiired the prisoner. "Let you off? Why, X ought to giv-'.^ you a life .sentence. You are up oefore this court about once a month as I reraembor it." "No, sir. I ain't been up bct.>re ^ )ur honor for more th'n a ycnr!" "It that is true, I'll be easy with w u. How did you manage to keep u\>iiy from here Cor a whole year?" "I'ourr,honor gimme twelve months the last'time." WHAT HE WOULD DO "Y^^HAT would you do if y.m v.-nrr- in my shoes, old miin?" "Black 'cm." NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ^HE LADY: "Doesn't It get on your nerves to Ihe so near a river with all that crowd ot children? I should be simply following them round all day in case any of them fell in." The resident: "Naw, mum. That doan't worry me. I ain't only lorst three or fcmr on 'em that way." ON ONE FOOT. AT a performance in Denver a woman whose ticl?et only entitled her to a seat in the gallery insisted upon standing In the orchestra aisle. The manager was called upon to talk to the lady after tho usher failed to convince her tliat she waa,not within her rights. "Yo� paid only 50 cents for your ticket," said the manager, "and it does not entitle you to stand downstairs, and we are not selling standing room l>erc, anyhow, this afternoon." "What do you charge for standing room down here when you do sell It?" demanded the woman. ".\ dollar," was tlie manager's response. "Then I'll stand on one foot during the rest of the performance," she replied. , A T/iSTmONIAJj. rpHERlS is a story of a Scotch geptla-man who had to dismiss his gardener for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wire and family, however, ho gave him a "character" and framed it in this way: "1 hereby certify that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that time he got more out of the garden than any man 1 ever employed." INSUFFICIENT PROOF ANY PORT IN A STORM gEJRVANT (hearing footsteps): "Goodness me, hero's the missus! Quick! Hldaln here!"-Comic Life. WAnnANTED TO /;/,',nr. DAV or two ago a woin.m (.nlored a suburban tcleprapli offne. .ind sa.ld to tho receiver of mi.s.-.arrfs that Kha desired to tolcgrapti to her- lius-band, who was in tie- ronntry. for j money. Ho pointed to thi.' eounter supplied with blanks and told h.^r tlie rate for a dozen words. She .stnitri-'lod away for a quarter of an hour, and then handed in the following "Won't you please send me i'i:, by next post?" "I don't iuiow whotlii-r tliat will do or not" as she felt for her money. "If you were-to receive suili a telegram from your wife, would you forward the money?" "Well-well, I might,' he retdiecj, in doubtful tones. "Now, you wait. I don t like the telegram at ail, because I tried to keep It within twelve words, ill write another." She tore it up, w.ilked over to the counter, and in three niirnitea handed In a new one. reading: "Am out of food and fuel, and want $25 as soon as you can tret it here. If you can't spare it I'll imwn tl,o parlor carpet.'' "That would bring tli-j money from me," said tho receiver, as lie read the lines and marked tfve number of words. "Then it will f;-om hini. Send it ciuick" , DOWN IX CM IXA. A LITTL:p girl'.s .mamm.i had often told hot about ^hc Chinamen who ' live under America oh the other side of the world. .One day when Ethi^l was hqlplng to pull dandelions in the garden she got hold of an unusually long and strong root. T^iU as hard as she could. It would not eome up. Turning to her mother, she c-vclaimod: '"Oh", I guess a Chinaman's got hold of the other end!" IVHO DID HE HUOr JIJE. GREENIO was threalened with a contagious disease, and when his little son Ned, who was ot very {�affectionate embrace, came to embrace him before retiring, he said: "Neddie, my Ijo.v, you mustn't hug me. You'll catch the scarlet fever." "Ned looked at lils father In amazement for a moment. Then he asked: "Say, father, who did you hug?" ^\'HAr /.s' ^1 HOUCKKt "^Yii.\T i.s a lodger?" a.sks a cor-re.spondeui. We thought everybody knew wliai a lodger is, and that sueti a i-imple matter wa.s hardly worth d)Ke!i.'--.sinf,'. A loilger, in short, is a man who rnainiain.s impecunious people ,n affluenee. lie provide? hi.s landlady with tea and [(Oi/ket inon>y and hi.s landlord v.ilh tohaee,, and pi|ieK. He furni.>fhe.s the dr.rne.stie ea i with fish, spirits, cold meal, hread, sardines. gla.'ss, earthenware, book.s, and fruit. ife save.'! his landlady's eldest son the necessity of buying collars, ties. I>oekei-handkerchiefs, or gloves, and sui)i)lie.s her daughlrr with books, seeru, pomade, t)rushes and comb..-!, wri(iiig-|ia(>er, and envelopes. Me pays the gas bill for the whole hou.sehold, and Keeps the establishment in coals. Such is the lodger. Any more iiucstion."?, please? PATERNAh MANNERS. ri'Vlll^ following is a conver.sation overheard between two small boys in a city street not long ago. The first boy said to the second boy: "Gee, your father must bo dreadful mean; he's a shoemaker and you have to wear them old shoes." .The .second boy answered: "You needn't lalk, your father is mc-Aa, too, 'eause he is a dentist and your baby's only got one tooth." EXPECTED ANY MINUTE. ^J^liif. McGlNTY had waited long and p.ttlently for her husband to come home on Saturday night with his week's pay. Finally she decided to take the matter in her own hands and she sailed forth to the police station to enquire If he was there. 'Is my Tim here?" she asked. ".Vo," replied (he lieutenant; "but .sit down. We're expecting him ftvery minute." THE PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE ^,�RS. MOONER: Oh. what a pretty hat. Professor Moonor (a little short-sighted) figure rather too slender, my dear?-Ideas. Yes, but isn't her A REASON FOR IT. '�J^WO Highlanders, being In Glasgow for the first time, were taking a wall! througn tho city. They encountered, much to their astonishment, a watering cart wetting the street. -NV.ver having .s'e-en anything of the kind bef.>ro. James, under a miata'Kcn idea, ran after the car and cried out to ih