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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Daily Herald (Newspaper) - June 17, 1913, Lethbridge, Alberta v O.YE Bl'SV DAV. acfi several hhort street car lines in Xew York C-ly. 'this particular one Is in furthermore, this joiticular "shuttle" iirfet car recently got a new one molorman one con- ari inseparable irhums. At the end of iLclr firel Jiy's cx- I'crlwice with shuttle they In caih to lum lay's average for that run. eecund day (wet foot) they turned In and I he third day '.walking good) On the evening of (help fourth day 'hey inarched Into the office looking atlghty themselves anil iandc-d over IlJSJo In cash sonic transfer tickets. "Glory exclaimed the man be hind the cash desk, "Oh." explained lilh. the gut tired of running an cmpl> rar un and side eo Toe and 1 look her out on Fulton Urtct to-day fw ft'ihartge." CLEA tilt' xyi.vps. the "green" cooK. poked, her head fn at diirfrifj-room door. "I'lease, -iho hew I be uhui the pud- ".SUck a knife into said her mis tress, the knife comes out clean the pudding Is ready'to ma'am." "And, oh, Tlie f-at in afterthought, "it tho knife doe: romu out clean, jou tnighi stick al the rest of ilia Inlo Ihe pud- JVST IT. VOR a Juris time the pale-fa'-id counter before him susi-iclausiy. Ai IcnsUi hf (.arcfurty Itfit-d off The lop Elice of "out pl-s-.e of U, replaced Lc- furc. In a fcp, so-.-onda he rt- moved the top piece, t-xiractcd a oC pltnle, also a piece of r.ieu this time, and replaced Hie loii -leain; und icain the performance nas nilSl all the pickle the as V.CJP eonr. tapped him ua Hio "Excuse me." silil- the ono, "bin why "drin'l1 your iandulch oT" picking at H In that AVell." vihlspcrrd back tho ell ti plarlny around suspiciously, "y-_m see. I cannol well eat it. It Isn't WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID I AXDLADY: "So you :ire going undergo treatment to reduce your flesh1.1' Did the'doctor recommend particular ledger: "Xo, he merely me Ing The Taller. conic to this board- "AIY man." am g the philanthropist. going to give >ou a chance to fa Ed Panhandle Pole, "roe old fsthtr lost half his fortune playfu' roulelte, an'-. the other half ,on-hrips n' linos t "llic Usl advice ghnmc to Like no chances." kind of a fellow Is "He can tell you to adojifa naUonal system of currency that would pay off Ihe national debt, but he can't raise 'tl.o-prlce of his grocery .FELT..BETTER THEN AIRS. "Did 1 apjiear all during my fnarriagc ceremony, Friend "A lUtlc at first, dear, but not after George hads.ild 'I BIls. BLESSED IT. TE.U'llCK of A Sunday school i tried lojmprcss upon her fnung chargcs'liic necessity of Ing the foot! before cnUng. she nsfccd, "whul docs your father sjy bufore luu eat roilr "I dun what did he Eay this morn Ins before brcakfastt' v- rncrlKated; he rerr.em- itrcd and beamed. "Jle Yo'u It Eds 50 "low on the butter now! It's 'getting dearer than TO TUG RESCUE. flMFEY. tad been married just niontJis and they'Still loved tach slhtr He. was In the back blacking his "Jack." 5hc called ftt the top ol her roice. "Jack, come here, He knew at once thai she was In'Im- minent dat.gcn Jfc grasped n stick inJ rushed up (wo fiigrils of stairs lo it j c reec ue. He en t ercd th c room and found'licr.looTiing out 3f the said she, "that's Ihe. kind of I Vanl yon lo yet me." i THE lyiLLli: and his Htllc alslcr were visiting at n mountain rfiorl, they heard a ftrcai deal of if vlcn. (Jne day Ihe slsier 'ell over ih6 eJgc of the plaxaa. and IVJllie ran Ecreaminir to his molher: mamma: Curne qulckl Ues- nc has Into the ,1VAS USED TO IT, plie "Scoundrel "U're tch! Uiack-jna rd 3 Fool J" Pmllinr sweetly, ho rolled, a cigar ctlc and anpllod a light, "VillainV she lesurned, hec eye flnsliing vhld fire. "Ilobber-r-rl "f.'o 'an." he puffingr at his clgarctlc, "Co Then a thought fmldcnly occnrn lo her, and she sank hopeJcsaiy inlo chair ,it the usrlessnesg of it alt. hail bren a liarehall umpire. WQuLitX'fr "Q.Vt; thins. I always know wU? EO out thit my husband will come nic when l return'' "Jlow's "I lo take Ihe baby." most of tho tlureare repuUtknib t-n paiineni ol a ttipulnc'l to take wltt HiPtn certain i-rt or birds. A short I'mu a aidcn Udy appeared at DUO of the juDiry stations brinyliT iiiih !u r a holt She hnd a u at, a labblt. a S'tu'.rrel. parrot, and wen; alywed tranii-urlailon imiVr rules, Hit, in ordirr 0-at ihe ;er mlgbt .take all tur t'ie uard proceeded to HKM as said he, "w d'-v-. rabtits h ngs, squirrels In cages is Carrots, but 'ere He Slopped and EeraUKed hU head, at the crcaturi- in iKrp'eshy. 'inally an 'Idea canxe him. "This ere he resumed. Is a inseck, nnd hlnaecVs travel ABSRXVK 01' ,N KNOWhKri. (ho aullmr of -William Tell." ont of the most absent-minded of ui'ii. On one ccaalon he In bank-notes o his wife, but forgot to address Ihe dramatist wrote fur ously to the and he delay was explaineJ O'n anothf-r occasion lie rn't a friend :i tht street, and said: "Ah. my dear olIoWj I'm off I take my K-tU-rs for you yon are very F ttd his rk-nd: "but where (vre you sri "rcjilled Knottlcs, '1 lulte made up my mind. Ropers was once vi al i. i i h an equally self-absorbed frltn-I. and In ;he course of conversation told htm ihat'oiJ-the n lady, half- wco'snlzlns him, inquired. "Isn't >our name Ilogeraf' JAndVas mildly inquired the This is'an admlrat.Se of ab- sent-mindedness. boy frfenils uf Darvsin one plotted a surprise for the grea aturalijt. Capturing a cellpcdc. i'he iued on to it a bcettle's head, il ,f a butterfly and the lone'lcff f a crasshopprr. Then 'in a box, ihey took it 10 b. and him what it could that they had caught the fibula. Darwin looked it oye 'Did It hum'when itm caught Hv'l Asked. -i 'Oh, nydg-' ng one another, "H 'hummed' like philosopher, Is a hunibug." STREET 'K late Sir I'rofessorJol'Muslc'a't Oxford, was once going fo call on a friend In Lon- don, and ashed a fellow-musician the number of the house In whloh.hc lived certal'n street. "I doii'l linow ijr-r." th'e -.ote of his IE C-sharp." Sir Frederick went' contentedly Hie dour -scrapers all the Elrtel nnlil ho came to the rfpht one, nhen he rang the bell and went GREAT IDEA. aid lha superi'nfe'ndsnt of Ihe lunatic nsjlum, "is u >OL.., man who slarlcd in life n "great NO PLACE FOR IT "of hate ;oa let's not Jiavc, a falling out THU REPLY COL'RTEOUS "T'VE been TV .ill ins to call upon for tome timt Mr somehow su busy 1 hawn'L Ktn alle lo do I'm delighted to htar it, Mr. Oreene. J hope jou' i-o busy. for tome timt Mrs. West, but o.' continue to uil yoir, thtse cah u fellers In Yoik have the beat ncmorks in the vorld I'ncle '-JIow do you make that Uncle Iron) (lie liWIcred nt tnc this last lime I nan down iliere ihc> rnuat have known 1 dip feller, wlio lipi'cd one >f 'cm n nuarlrr lo drive rnc fiom llic public bt-tierjctor. After thought he finally completed ttc plan of philanthropy, a, scheme which he expected to bring joy 10 the hearts of millions of srtet-ju iaten mortals, and peace into tdousinds of unhappy Its failure him "Now Infinitely mtis-M the visitor. "And what his "I I was a device for trousers- bnggitig at the re- sponded th'e superintendent, vsith o long-drawn sigh, .YOU' UlTUKlt.' was linenl on Ihe ks- ?on, and conllnucd imprcEsivcb "And vast sn'arms of flies descended on the land and came inlo the houses of the Egyptians and covered their clothing and their tsblcs and oil their food but (emphatically) there' uerc no flics on !hi! children Israel" A small boy from the" rear of the room interrupted: "Pca-e. nia'jm. there nin't TOO GOOD. "QO yon are golnff lo marry Georg' at said the pretty tjnlc t i friend. "What is he lUtc? "IJe Is the moft upright, hlsh-mind- tJ, honorable fellow in the thp enthusiastic reply. "Goodness, my said th? cynic, j ou'H to death." THE FIltST BOK-V. I .''OI'N'G I'dthpr: "Jam sinazod.shock- L dear, to hear you say you :ilend to the baby aomc paregoric. Jon'l you know paregoric is opium, nd opium the growth, enfeebles he constitution, weakens the brain, the nerves, and products marasmus, consumption, insan- :y, and death'.1' Young Mother: "Horrors: I never leard a word about that- I won't give rie little ilarlinE a Indeed. Jut something must be done to slop !s yelling1. him awhile." Father (after an hour's steady stamp- njj Wilh the squalling 'TN'hcre n thundar is that HAD XO GBAXCE. AT an annual 5eries'of races "for all comers." the sun was blazing down oh a field, of horses nnd men, all for a tall, raw-boned beast to get into line. The patience of the starter i nearly exhausted. up thai he shouted. "Bring him The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman' yelled back: can't This, he'rc's been( a cab horse, and he won't start till he hears the door shut, an' I ain't no ALb FOR A DOLLAR. OU are ?oon to ha marrlea to the man said the fortune teller. "Is he' a inquired Miss Calculate. "Yes." ''Js his name "Yes." "Does his father own an automo WELL DONE ClAHAll: "The missus lolu me to lei lhal the roust bet' wan too well done." Bridget: >ou tell her It's me lor do better cookln' than f d 'pi IB VHOlit> PAH KMT: "You c.innot my (l-iughler; Ihe ?ocbl Rolf Inilwren you is loo wide. Rememlior. you're n mrre (i common cold: bncillus of Pket SETTLING A BORE. FJUEXDS had settled down lo i heir colfce, clpnrette. and garni of In a tea-shop, a third a discordant third. Joined' tliem. He was unwelcome, obviously so, but lha did not prevent him "chipping In' moment advice lo lh> playere. They endured him in silence, till nt lart I tie glint of a quarter be side Irie board caught his ho said, "T didn't cxpec lo find you chspa playing for 'finny one of Ihe "but It isn't the filthy lucro we ob Jtct m: It's the filthy Then Ihe game in alienee ALL ABOARD! "CIO ion are living..In the suburb aal.l Jasper. '-l" shou'i think jou would find Ihe walking bai (hero In Ihe replied >Tr. Xultey, ''who anything about -wnlKlnp? No- Ijody In the AVc coiri- inulcrs ID run." 700 LATE. William." said the blein "if you disobey 'me ll be to you I Tn.'tt night the stern parent frt-m the clly he k-arn- d that "William had been disobeyinj is ordors again. "Xott. William, you remember vihal said about the whipping? You may noose your own lime. When shall H Wflitam thOLpnt for a moment. "Ail right, pa." he paid, "make itycs- SPOILT t'OR LAY1SO. IT the iii'XorUt'a fault. couiri te no doubt about tbat. HOM to pay m? itn shillings fijr of 'em, 'cos llic-y II lay another "Dear me. 1 tn 5-> sorry." F3ld motorist, as he "p 'hQ sum de- manded. 'It's due lo fright, i cup- 'erhips it agreed the farmer, he iioctiCied the money; "but 1 It's mostly cos them li THE EXPERT'S ISS MKUL'Y'S doctor had raUe I tn the rer.onned aiieciillst Van Tromp lo diagnose her illness, and >.or sister Parthenla was very much ivcr- ritd about her. "I tell you what do, llercy." ilii. Til just Biand behlr.1 the fvt- lierts, ar.d when the d-xtira po Into the parlor I'll cay.' doctor." said family phy-- altbn, as the tuo enured ihe after ihe exAmfnation. "what do you ically think about, the patient T1 "I think" said the fipecSalist. as hi sat dovrn In tho most comfortable chair, "iliat she is the homeliest old maid I've tser said the family physician. "Jual wait till seen her zls- Y dear said her mother-in- law, "any would be satis- led with wl-at Frank sajs he gives OJ." "Su would replied Ihe daughter- n-liw. .VO 1VOXDER. OW old is jour JUtla "He's a jear old." replied "Huh: I've Rot a n cU. and he can walk twice as well as ycur brother. "That's holhing. Tour dos's p t tv.ica is. many CHLOHOFORK PREFERRED. 1.1 K: "ShaJl I you an Ice untie J Miss Yellfort is singlr-j? Pray tafce. some." She (a rival Miss "Thanka. no. -If I took it would bs chloroform." "Yes." 'TS'tll Henry give me a ring with a urquols'e and two "Tes." "Are we going' to Europe on erJdlilg Calculate turned to a friend.' "Jsn'i it she THE MYSTERY. Bessie" (the teacher was trjing lo explain tho meaning of "suppose >our papa has vorhed hard hll day. He Is tired and oi n cut. isn't iriiTJim." when nlulit cuncs and hla woik is over for the day, what docs he ALGY'3 CHANCE "1IMMIH THE SLUGGER: "We've chooscd the sides, Algy, but If you'll eive us the ball nnd bat you can be the replied Htssle, "that's mother wants to know." Just ".Are you-the man who i, Cashed ashore from tho wreck lost Tramp: miss; I never i washed ashore in my Afloat, cither, for tho matter of that." UE PICKED THE PEPPEli. the nickname "Lltile Tcp- per'1 bce.iuse he was not orily the smallest, but the most officer in (tic regiment. To FCC him throning out his thlrlj.-tu-o-in.-h clirst to be reminded of the fros in tlie fable. One in a particularly fitry mood, he bridlod up to tho l giant and began to abuse htm, I'fr n wiille the huge private Hslc.ied in sH- ence. He was used to such scenes took them with philosophic Put al last he grow ueary and railed 10 a brother prii'ale: "Hill, go and get a ladder, will you? I have a hunch ho wants to box me FLVSH. "Ci AT, Jones, have you been playing poker "N'o." 'ell, say, lenci mo LITTLE AXD BIO FIRES. 'what Is a "It is ,1 big fire, my son." "And do they call- a llttls "There Is no special name for ,a fire. Oh. they sometimes rail it an incipient and let's well, it ia sometimes called an inconsider- Alte fire. "'Well, I sec your coat-tail IB -on fire, and I was wondering whether U a conflagration or an incipient fire." In a few minutes the young man had reason to think it wag a conflagra- tion. TOOTLE TOO. AN individual of considerable Im- portance. by name Toolls, once at- tended a reception, accompanied by i5s wife. The announcement' made- "Mr. ToolleV. "And Mrs. was auggwted, otto voce, in correclivo tones. "And Mrs. Tootle, resounded Iko the of a- honi through to the "evident amusement rf Ihe arge assembly. A N'JBW TITLE. Irish girl who fl obtained a situation In' the of a lady of title, T.ho happened lo have her was a stopping with her. Mary EalJ.the young mistress one morning, "I am going Co town, and if .ony'onc calla you can (ell them. I 'am' she' added, "you can tell them lhat the dowager it Sometlrne her departuro a lady called and Inquired for tho mistrets.: "Well, replied Marv AJIHB, "111 6 mistress Is out, but, ihe old Is A FIXE COXPLIUEXT. Tf you wish to pay'a pretty Compll- 'menl to plain and Ignorant wo-" and at the samo llmo, do-not to 'be gullly of unlrutli, her-that fho Is as beautiful as she is accompiiahed. will Ihlnk a charming man, .ind >our ba sulltjesa of a ;