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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald (Newspaper) - January 20, 1913, Lethbridge, Alberta ICKLC TOUR HER FAVORITE. rpHE other Sunday evening, when church service was over, a young curate started on his journey home, accompanied by two young ladles of the choir, when they began a conversation about hymns. "What is your favorite hymn?" i'.sked the curate, turning1 to one of his fair companions. " 'Draw me nearer,"" she replied, not thinking- of the double meaning. At that moment her companion, who was walking on the other side of the .curate, to make, matters worse, sald.j .innocently: ' "That is only the chorus; the commencement of the verse is, 'I am thine'" At this the curate laughed heartily, and the ladies are always very careful now when talking- about hymns. OVERCOME BY THE SEAT. HEV come to tell yen; Airs Malone, that yer husband met with an accident." "An' -what is it now'.'"' walled Mrs il alone. 'He Jtvus overcome by the heat, mum." "Overcome by the heat, wc? he? An' iiow did it happen?" "He fell Into the furnace over at the foundry, mum." AT THE "MOVIE" SHOW "\f Rg. JONES, (leaving picture theatre); "Come along:, Tommy- it's getting late. eW must go home." "Tommy; "Boo-hoo-I don't want to go. I want to stay and see some more people shot!"-London Opinion. LADYLIKE "TXENRY is such a ladylike young' man." "Indeed he is. Why, he. actually wanted to kias-me when he met me on Yonge street yesterday.'' NO HOPE LEFT WWW HIS PRIVATE OPINION. ' gPIFFI-\\ and Miffin Wire f; iends. They were strolling along one sunny Sunday afternoon in the rear of their respective wives, when Spiffin, who was always something of .1 wor-tier, -broke the contented silenc:. "BxK>k -here, old ma::." said 'lie, "I Snow yon say the most awfully nice things about ms to my face, and I've no reason to believe you do anything else behind my back. B"t it bucks a chap up a bit to bo criticised by his friends every,now and then, you know." "Sou want me to criticize you?'' asked Mifi'in, mildly sniffing the- clear and frosty air. "1 do," answered Spit'fin, tin owing out his chest and striking it impres-j sively. "It would do mo all the good in the world." Miffin looked sideways at his irisnd, and then burst out: "Look hero; Spiffln, you're sis foot two; I'm five foot four. You can't seriously mean you want my private opinion of you. It can't be done, old chap-can't be gone!" TEAT ARTFUL WAY. me, sir," said the .AS PER SAMPLE. JJE was up from the country, was Joe Muggins, intent on seeking his fortune in the gold-pavod streets of Loudon town. On the first ciay of his arrival, after j a long trnmpround to see the sights, he young man turned .into one of the neighboring restaurants to get a much-neode;! meal. It was one of those brightly-lit, gilt-ly-gilded places, but Joe wasn't in the least disconcerted. He sat and stared stolidly round, while the waiter deftly arranged his dinner in the numerous little dishes so beloved at' such resorts. Then Joe was left alone to enjoy his food. But, to the consternation of the waiter, who called the head waiter, j who called the proprietor to look. lie. still stared stolidly and entirely ignored the dishes under his nose; At length the proprietor took courage with both feet and advanced towards the table of 'the supposed madman, piroctlj- Joe perceived him. he called: "'Ere, when's my dinner coomin'? If yer don't 'urry I shall oat yer samples I . NEIGHBORLY AMENITIES. 'T'HERE had been serious differences between Mrs. Blobbs and Mrs. Dobbs, who were neighbors, owing to the former's fowls trespassing upon the latter'a flower-beds, whilst tho fox-terrier of the aforesaid Dobbs had, in retaliation, cut short the "span of life" of Mrs. Dobbs favorite bantam. Words wero strong and heated "over the garden wall," accompanied by smacking of hands and furious threats, till at last, losing all control of hevsolf, Mrs. Blobbs, who had been doing the week's washing, "let fly." What happened was next told in the police court, Blobbs answering to the summons of Dobbs, whose face was "partially closed for repairs."' "And what have you to say as to this assault, Mrs. Blobbs?" asked thi magistrate. "Please, yer washlp. I was doin' the washin', an' simply hit her over tho face with a pillow-case." "What! A pillow-case inflict tha* damage? Two black eyes nnd a frac-. tured nose?" gaspiid the magistrate. . "Well-or-yer washlp, if I must say. there was half a brick Inside It somebody left there." HE WAS BARRED. TTE was young, ho was a Highlander, and he was in tho polleo force-Some of his friends tried to persuade Ulm to join tho pipers' band, where ho ivould have higher duties and bettei pay- "But I cunna read a note o' music," demurred he at first. Soon, however, his scruples wero overruled, and he appeared before tho musical director, to whom he confided reluctantly that he knew very little music, and nothing at all of instrument playing. "Well," said the conductor, in despair, "can you tell mo exactly how many beats there are in a bar?" "No, I fiamitt. sir." replied tho musical ignoramus; "but"-eagerly- "I can .tell you just how many lx\rs there arc in a beat!" JOHNNY'S RESOLUTIONS. "T WILL not put pins Into my dear teacher's chair." (Tacks will hurt the old duffer just as m,uch, anyway.) "I will not quarrel and fight with my big brothers in 1913." (What have I got a little brother for?) "I will not play truant from school to go fishing r . or swimming." (That is, in tho winter FATHER'S CHOICE. time.) '1 will be kind to dumb animals, TVTOTHER: "Let me see, we ha\'o J such as tigers, lions, and elephants." bought a set of scientific instru- ; (Stray cats and does, however, had bot-ments for Bobby, a three-volumo ter keep out of this neighborhood.) "I treatiso on the feminist movement in; will not throw stones at tho beggars." tho Malay Archiopelago for little; (Bricks will make t'heiri holler louder, Mabel, and a sterilized sanitary rattle anyway.) "X will not-" (Oh, that's for baby. Now, what you like for your- enough. They say the good die young, self, father?" and I want to live until I catch that Father (eagerly): "I think I'll have I red-headed boy in the next street who a clockwork engine!" I stuck his tongue out at me yesterday.) cop! J^XCTI-SE dressed stranger, as ho weli-^tepped this Mr. "'O*1' Jonn! cook has left." "Well, we'll have to get another one, I suppose." "I'm afraid wo can't, John. I think we've had them all."-Fun. THE HIGH-SCORER inside the apartment, ' Smart's office?" "No," replied the man a.t the desk rather angrily;'"his office ts upstairs, on the floor above." "Much obliged!" muttered the stranger, as he proceeded to absent himself. But he was artful, was that s'.i anger, for he left the door wide open. j.Then It was that the gentleman at the desk became angrier still. "Hi!" he called. "Come back and close my door: Hi. do-o-o-r!" The artful.one returned. From a bag! he produced a mechanical appliance. Upon his face there' sat a pleasant smile. "Allow me, sir, to s'r.o^r you my patent double-action door spring. Closes the door without a bang. Absolutely the very latest and best! Warranted tor ninety-nine, years." The dodge worked-when the artful man had talked a little longer. A DUDE DEFINED. "Y\rHAT," asked the very young person, "is your idea of a dude?" "A dude," answered tho observer of things, "is a young gentleman who tries to behave in a ladylike manner." A HAIR-RAISER JINK'S TELEGRAM. TINKS was financially embarassed. arid a certain broker's man had designs on his residence. Jinks knew It, and was waxy. Several days elapsed without success on the bailiffs part, but .links was caught napping at last. Listen! The bailiff sent' Jinks a wire, and \yatted near the bouse for the messenger to appear. The lad knocked at the door. .."Who's there?" shouted Jinks. "Telegram, sir," was the reply. "Someone's wired me money," thought Jinks, who was now thrown off. his. .guard. .He opened the door, and the bailiff slipped into the house. . 'Jinks was dumbfounded, but quickly regained ids self-possession and sneered: !'A fine telegram, you are. Call yourself a telegram, indeed! You mean a blooming inoney order, don't you?" COULDN'T HELP IT "J AM surprised, Ethel that you allowed that handsome Italian count to kiss you last evening." "Oh. 1 really couldn't help it." ' "Why cduldir't * you ?" ' "Because lie&n't speak a word of Italian."-New York World.'V ; ART THAT IS ART FRIENDLY CRITIC: "Um-not bad at all. By Jove, though, old man.: I'djjko you tp see some of those pictures my wife knits'" Sydney Bulletin.' .AN EASY SOLUTION. fpHE mother of Master Gustavo Adoi-phus Bims was giving a Christmas party, and, on tho solo condition that ho behaved himself,.ho waj allowed to participate in tho festivities. The guests were seated round a friendly cup of tea, preparatory to the games, and were waited on by a maid with a swollen face. Tho youthful saint scrutinized the rounded contour of her cheek with keen avidity as sho moved to and fro in tho performance of her duties. Then, rising and stretching himself to the full extent of-Ins four foot nothing, he thrust both hands deep into tho pockets of his "black' velvet Fauntleroys, and cried, as lie glanced arotmd: "Mother, I do .wish you .could, have toothache, insteajtl of Jane." His adoring mother showed her pearly teeth in an amused smile at her expectant friends as she asked: "Why. darling?" "Because," answered the small incorrigible, as ho resumed his seat on the black satin hassock, which so completed the picture, "you can pull yours out' and Jano can't." (JRASSNECK: "There's one,, man's job a woman can't do, an' that's to raise a beard." Longbrush: "I dunno. My wife raises mine every morning to see if I'm wearln' the necktie she bought me__ Ideas. ! IT'S AN ILL WIND.  rpHEY were a crowd of small' boys, j and they were all eagerly bent on 1 catching a glimpse of the important 1 rugby match. ; . .. I A benevolent old gentleman, who j stood close by, watched them for some I time as they took turn and turn about j to lift each other up to look oyer the j fence. j Then suddenly walking up to the turnstile, he said to'the man in attendance, pointing , with an imperious movement to the eager youngsters: "You might count those youngsters carefully." r . The man, thinking; It was at least someone In authority, or a kind-hearted old fool, readily consented, and when he had counted the small heads'a3 the boys passed one by.orie into the grpund, he turned, and saiS:. "Twenty-four, sir." "Thanks, old "chap," returned tho benevolent old gentleman, as ho prepared for a hasty-departure, "you have exactly confirmed my opinion- I thought I had counted correctly." MAKING PEOPLE SWEET. GJWELL: "Yes, sir, X make all my � money, by the sweating system- by makine the other fellows do tho sweating while I rake in the coin." � Friend: "I should bo ashamed to acknowledge it if I were you." Swell: "Why,; there's no harm in being the proprietor of a Turkish bath, Is there?" IMPORTANT AT THE TELEPHONE. amusing telephone- story is told of a lady whose name is Brown. One morning recently she proceeded from breakfast-table to the telephone In the hall, to order some things from the butcher. "Halloa!" said Mrs. Brown. "Is that Mr. Batty's?" "Yes." "Well, this is Mrs. Brown's residence. Will you send me a large, thick steak by four o'clock?" - The boy in-the butcher's shop-happened to answer the telephone, and promptly responded: - "Well, you Just bet your sweet life I will." ' "Do youknow, sir, to whom-you are speaking?" Indignantly inquired Mrs. Brown. ' v "Sure I do," said the boy.- "You're Jenny, Mrs. Brown's cook." , _. '?Yotf are mistaken, young m.an. You (jj-kORGE: "I got your wire and came are speaking with Mrs. Bro.vh her- at once. What's the matter?" self J � "Is that so?" replied the boy. "Then I Wf�ey: "0h- Georffe' you are to� in that case, madam, we'll .call the >i it to the doctor, Mrs. Nerviss declared was so like a laugh that at first she believed her husband had suddenly thought of something funnj'. SHOT FOR PREFERENCE. \ RATHER turgid orator, noted foi* his verbosity and heaviness, was once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp In the mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began, but when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign . of finishing, his listeners dropped away. Some went back to work, but Hie majority sought places to'quench their thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse. Finally, there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, worry-looking old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, tho orator pulled out a largo six-shooter and laid it on the_ table. The old fellow rose slowly and drawled out: "Be you going to shoot if I go?" "You bet I am," repliod the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech, even If I have to shoot to keep an audience." The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged .slowly away, saying as he did so: �!Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked to pleasant relief." , HIS ONE' REGRET. Jl CERTAINman stayed out much "^iater at night than his wife liked, ami as he would never tell her where hu had been she got their little boy It ask him. One morning- at breakfast the youngster said, "Dad, where wuvj yer Ins' night?" "Never you mind, whore I was," answered the father. "But," insisted tho boy, "where wuz yer?'/ �" - \/ "Well, if you must know, I was sit-timr up wjth 11 sick friend.' "Oh. did yer sick friend.die?" "What an absurd question! ni courRe. he didn't die!" "Oh. but did you hold your sl'Jl' fripnd's hand?" "No," answered the father, "how foolish you are. Of course I didn't." And then he, added, wllh a far-nwa.v look In his eyes, "I wish to heaven 1 had. He held four aces!" 1 CONFESSION: "J|/[ARRIAGE makes a big difference." .shti sighed- , . i."What? Married only two weeks and disappointed,? What's the trouble?" ",Oh, there isn't any ' great�'trouble-j-Buit I've noticed; that whenever I sit or. George's )av>