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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald (Newspaper) - February 7, 1913, Lethbridge, Alberta TO Tl ANDY." THE ULSTER DOOLEY, ON "MOVIES" All the World's a Film Nowadays, and Men and Weemin are Merely .Pictures. By JAMBS DOUGLAS. THE other night a: the I-Iole-ln-the Wall Andy was holding forth about tho Picture Theatres. "Do yo know tha greatest scientific Invintlon av the twlntleth cintury?" said he. "Ye don't Well, I'll tell ye. It's the picture theatre, You young fellows think uotfi-ag av St. Ta'vc grown used to it. It's different wi' iae. I wuz brou ht up to believe that it wuz wrong to go to a theatre. There are thousands* like me. There's hund-hoWls n.v thousands who nlver put their feet Inside a theatre. They hev a conscientious' objection to the theatre. The picture theatre he-z provided thim wi' amuaemint at last." "Picture plays arc very silly," said I. "Some av thim are," said Andy. "But they're not so silly as they used to be. People are gettin' tired av NOT NECESSARY, BUT CUSTOMARY "JQOOTOR. is It absolutely necessary to operate, on " "N-no! but it's-er-customary."-The 'A'atler. THEN THEY all LAUGHED. PROSPEROUS barrister was recounting his career at a dinner table. "When I took my first brief," km Id he, "I was very nervous and excited, especially as ray client was a bad egg. He was a man of good family, whose name would have been fatally tarnished had the rascal been convicted. Luckily I managed to get the beggar off." After dinner a millionaire entered. He was a friend of the host, who presented the K.C. to him. "I do not need.to be introduced to this gentleman," observed the millionaire, patronislngly. "I met him long ago. In fact, I gave him a start in life. I was his first client." The noisy hilarity which greeted the announcement was never explained to the late-comer. i"They Han't allow chitdher undher xteen to see the Tortures av the owned." course they do. I wuz frightened oot. his hat held af- his face, don't think av me life the ither day. They showed he's prayin'. He's on'y makin' himsilf ye iieii aj, n it v.a rofnrtntton' or I film-proof. Whin ye sea a picture av itchin' a crowd chasin' a thief, all lllin' down over an' over again, get-Si' 0.01 av wan scrape into anlther, an' Bndin' ud fa a water-jump. ' They're Ipectin' plays wi' plots, an' they're Bttin' thim. TJ ither day I saw a |e, hearty, full-blooded melodhrama ^a picture theatre. It wuz aboot a 4so#ner who gaze the- police'a good fur their money. He escaped on trolley by holdin1 a pistol to the illey mon's head. The police in a in chased the trolley. The, poisoner jumpea sdi iu Uii* ;� ^2!!c.-. T*�S heffcrept oot av tho monhole an' ,turn-ecllhis coat. . He sneaked back to his p^al'ial mansion' by -the; drain, pipe, lijgpn in the drains he had a den where hjlfdlsgulsed himsilf as a philanthrop- suppose you mean the ma,in aewer under his mansion," said I. Swimmm* for Hie Life f T wuz," said Andy. "An' whin a young mon called on him look-lu'. fur throuble, he -niched a spring an' a picture on the wall opened- Thin he;flung the young mon through the oppnin". Can ye guess where the young mo'n found himsilf?" yjn tho street," said I. #ot a bit av it," said Andy. - "In the sewer. He opens an iron plate an' the a review or a race. Iverythin' wuz there; includlh' the flames. I nearly fainted -*hin I saw a horde av divlls Iatherin' away at a lot av poor naked sinners. Thin there were diviiB wi' three-pronged forks that wint aboot proddin' lost bowIs. There wuz wan scene that scared  me. A lot av on-, forchunlt wretches were burled .held doon an' ye cud �ee thim wrlgglin' their legs in the air while the flames roasted their feet." Gnawin' a Skull tirT1 HERB wuz anlther thing that X nearly made me run oot av the theatre. There wuz a mon gnawin' anlther mon's skull. But the worst shock av all wuz the giant "who wuz at'n' a mon like a piece av celery. Afther he had -lunched fur a while the | mon began to kick- I don't know how they do these things but it did give me a turn to se livin' giant atln' a livih' irion. ' - "The sooner athrocltles av that sort are censored the betther. But, as a rule, the picture theatres are past reproach. They're a great bqon fur th,e poor mon who can't afford to travel. He can aeo^ the -hole wurrid fur a n.ckel. Mon a." . .it's nearly as real as the real thing. The filmists go i. erywhorc an* film iverythin.'. Ye needn't throuble to go to Paris. Ye a lady wi' her handkerchief i.u iiw vjC;., don't imagine she's cryln'. She's on'y bafflin' the filmist-" "There ought to be a law against filming people against their Ml," said I. "It wull come," said Andy. "If a man can copyright his book, I don't see whoy he shudn't copyright his face. The sooner Parlyni' .t passes a Face Copyright Act the betther." "No one has a right to steal your face," said I. "It wud ruin the filmists if they had to pay fur ivery face they pirate," said Andy. "An' the worst av it Is that mony a face is its owner's misfortune." ON THE MEND WASN'T HE FUNNY. "JS it true, Theophilus, that they are even making car wheels of paper?" queried Mrs. Homelotts. "Not only car wheels, my love, but even locomotives," replied her husband. "No, really? Surely you're joking?!! "I pity your ignorance, woman. Didn't you over hear of stationary engines?"  UNPLEASANT. Q.EORGE (on the links): "Great Scot,  a dead stymie!" Auntie Jane: "There! I thought I noticed an unpleasant smell." :>��. THE POET'S PLEA. jt was all over. They wore In the carriage at. last, man and wife, driving bank to the wedding breakfast. But suddenly, without warning, the youthful bride hurst into heartrending sobs.1 "Oh-o!" she cried. "Oh-o! Oh-o!" "My dearest dear!" breathed the new-made hubby. "Why does my pet weep so on her wedding-day? Tell her hubsle-wubslc all about it, then!" ' And, with her head on his shoulder, the little wife faltered out at last: "Marmaduke, I've hidden something from you. I've not told you all. Aiasi What shall I do?" Marmaduke's heart stood still for what seemed to him a century, but wag, in reality, a second; then: "Tell me"-and his voice was hoarse -"tell mo what you mean at once! I cannot bear this suspense!" "I c-cannot c-ook!" sobbed the. little, wife. "Oh, lovey, is that all?'' the young man cried, as his heart-beats slowed to normal time. "You frighfened me! But worry not, t am a poot and there will . '. '.,--1.-,--! rr l-tH" fr* pook!'' AN AWKWARD COMPLIMENT i SHi- "I envy Miss Playne. She plays ho well that one forgets Jvny she looks." , He: "But you look so well that one i'i>igin.s how >'-e�| given him up fur lost he swims Ms that ye see exa.".y what yo wud, see upjnhe dhrain into the river an' leads the^police to catch the poisoner. That bea'ts onythin' o: the stage, Ye cudn't hoy dhrains on .he stage, cud ye V" ;"It, doesn't seem to be very intellect tual drama," said I. ' . ... "They hev intellectual. drama as wollf" said Andy. "The ither day I saw Dante's Inferno donj up in livin* pjo-tures. If onybody had done it on the xtago' there jvud hev been a fearful row. But. they can-do in the picture theatres what ,theyv can't do onywhere if ye were there. It's notja picthure av.New York ye see. It's New York itsilf. An' whin ye see a battle in the Balkans it's not .a battle piothure ye see. It's a real battle.T The guns are "real ' guns. The sogers are real .sogers. The burstin' shells nre real shellei The arrumy is a real arrumy. Run by the Filmists d A Ij the wurruld's a film noo-r\ adays, -.' ell. the min ah' weemin merely picthures. In fact, Use. Thoy don't allow childher undher j sometimes I suspict that the wurruld sixteen to see the tortures av the Is run by the filmists. It wull oome damned." , ; t0 that soon. Between the picthure "Do they allow children over sixteen 1 papers an' the pi v ire theatres no to see the to- 'os of the domnefl?" said I. "Bless your heart!" said Andy. "Av body can escape; Afore long ivery-bod wull hev to wear film-proof masks. Whin ye see a piothure av a mon wi! I \ NEVER HAD A CHANCE "^HAT'S the mfitter? pan't you skate without tu'rn,b�ng down?" "I haven't had a chance ,'to find out yet."-NQW>'Yprk World. lint 5= WISE MOTHERS. rriHE postmistress of Plumpville was in bad odor. They whispered that she tampered with the Plumpville letters and parcels; they murmured that she perused the Plumpville postcards. They didn't trust her.- A little boy1-entered the Plumpville post-office bearing between his podgy fingers a large piece of rich Christ mas pudding. "My ma sends this to you with her compliments," recited the youth, "and; would you please eat as much as you can?" The postmistress was delighted. "How very kind of your mother.'to remember me!" she exclaimed, "Does she know I have a special weakness for Christmas pudding?" "Yes, she does," replied the ybungr ster; "so she thought she'd give you some this afternoon before she sent any off to her friends, just to take th edge off your appetite." illustrating. A LITTLE boy was advised by his father to use illustrations'in his conversation whenever they should oc our to him. , ' "For," continued the parent, "there is no more forcible way of conveying or impressing your meaning." ? Shortly after, the boy was being'lee-: tured on generosity.. . "It's better, to give than to 'receive, Johnnys-far better,''; -> '�. ''LUqstratft .it.'papa: I..think .r s^all Kutideratand' 11 'bet,ter." -a'; -. y ' . \ '�� HE, haw.no wonE.p-. � S j.'^.'the tt^her.'^'ia,tl)r)d�9vf^M^^n'a^ 'contemptuously ignored;the rburi^ >'t^>||(: conversation, His partner; a'viJfi^J^Ua' annoyed him; by making eirorsKfe' tyi plays.; Finally his temper got b'eyond.-| contrbl and he burst out; �� -v? �; ; > ''Young woman, I was iunder.-the.iin-. prcseion that I heard you could ?.p,lay brldgo?" ^ ' It was a slow, sweet, tolerant pmji}^ that she flashed back at him. . . . 'Yea," she said, I play'it. I don't, wt?rk at., it as some people ao." BASl HIS REVENGE. frost had frozen some of the taps In a gohtleman'a house and burst, a few,pityes, so thatia plumber had to be called in. The plumber was shown round �iy the coachman, hut as soon as he" commenced work-an officious butler Uefpt close watch over him. Hp. dtdn!t "like this treatment, and determined tOiPlay-a'tgj|k on^the butler. In ?fhw bathroom- he^fdbnd^'a burst pipe; 'apd, after cutting-qu&yie ice, he quickly popped his. thumbxiver the hole. / "Here, mate," be'safili turning to the uutler, "hold yer thumb over this hole j!wl:ile I fetch my solderm'-iron. Don't �shift, or there'll b,8^STflood." An-hour went bji-jjiut the plumper lisd not returned. , Tlfen the butler culled av- servant whoywas passing, and toRi Tier, to fetch him up. She found hinn ertjoying lunch'in-the kitchen. '"The butler wants to know when j you're going 10 i'fei^so uiai.' c/.~  "Go an' tell � tlieol ,to; shift his thumb. I turned ftHef water, off before I. started on the job," -replied the plumber, grinning'. .. .i. KEEP IT GOING. A FIRE had broken, put in Ciodville - and the hurriedly' summoned amateur fire-fighters had just dashed off to save the, threatened properly. With singular inconslderateness, an olUjer fire selected that precise moment toFi�jjeak out at the other end of the village^ . "Hi!"^yelled somebody who had only heard of'-ihe second outbreak, "you're going tho wtiong woy." "No," called^Ab^ captain, -pulling up; "it's Foster's farntrj.that's on fire.'',. . "Well, so is Bianfe'a bootshop^V' The captain's_faco be^arned^r . "All right," he shouteal enthusius-tioally, as they dashed /off asain; ! "we'll be back to Blank's/ fire directly. ' fceen-iit going!" TSOT very (ILL. n^HBY met at a dinnifer for. the. first i. itime since their r/teeting in Paris the previous week C" !'Ahd didvou hav "What were you afraid of?" "I was afraid. I couldn't find the larks." COURAGE AND MEMORY am onuidt them.' Ml �p.i.p. f-.< WAS HE A DUMMY? ~~* "M'H" JONES' 1 hear that the other member of your firm never speaks to you." "No; you see, he's the silent partner." WHY 1 HE CRIED. TT was a mixefd party, and ;when the i_ lights_jver� lowered for the oid^ fashioned -."si'slidragon" young Blinks managed to edfge closer to the'golden^ helred maidenlhe adored, v �--Thert/ was af three-minute scramble, and when this lights went up there arcse a howlf of disappointment from one of the jloung lads who happened to be near oulr friend Blinks. "What's thfe matter, �WJlHe.?'V' ;in.-, cstesa. 'Didn't, ygu.'gejt quired the "Did-did tfykilioy. fellow wi hoi&pf kisl-klSi again Si ng get the chance,!! b|llowedi boh as it sUstarted.^hai'1 the eye-glasses 'di-CoUared hand, and d-dlc(n't- leave off it till the g-gas--was. on* strike a light.-: _ i| LeBSATBD physician; was' okc'^ fing a lecture on physiology, :i"ty i said the human body contains !- i ������ �� -.�} L-pon; joung woman tisited:' auoh Sulphur is there in a girl's. [tt varies," said the smiling physN, I sect" said yie young" - lady,. Ps why/some of us make .better es than 'others." A GIVE-AWAY ^ISTRBSS: "Oh, and Eliza-that' gentleman that called this afternoon-was it about one of my charities?" Eliza: "No, Im'm. From that second-'and dealer's where you sent those old clothes.of master's, to say will you fetch 'em away or shall they burn 'em, 'cause they aren't'doing anythin' in patch-work quilts!"^-London Opinion. - "^O she has told him all her past- what courage!" "l'es, and what a memory!" TOO MUCH FOR HIM. "JACK was a man who: never liked work, and it was a sad blow to him when his pal Jim got a job at the post-office. .-.*.�� Jim's hours were 9 to 5, The first day that Jim was to start Jack was seen strolling to the old spot at tho Murket Square. Ten o clock a.m. struck, and Jack, looking up,, saw his pal hurrying towards him. "Hullo, Jim!" said, he, "Why are you here -during your working hours?" "Oh, I've given it up," replied Jim. "I simply couldn't stand it." . "Couldn't stand what?" gasped Jack in amazement./' "The smell of dead letters," preferences. / �yiSITOR:' "But why do you intend to give up your,flat and take a house?" . . ' Hostess,-(wearily) "Because we'd rather live under  an absolute monarchy than a dual alliance. In a house wo will stillMiave. the'cook, but we won't have the hall porter." r ANTIQUE. ~ - QUSTO^i^R;. "Js it true that the edge of a'-razor,- improves if it is laid aside ifor awhile after honing?" Barber: '"Yes,'sir." Customer: "Then you'd better lay aside' ;thV razor you've�< just used on me for about four, thousand years," OH. WHAT A SURPRISE.t rpHE respectable subject of the fc-lr lowing anecdote was the victim of a slight misunderstanding, and probably he-did-not forget it... He:, went to the train one. day to see his favorite daughter off. Securing her-' n seat, he went to the bookstall, and then returned to her window-to say a parting word, as is [frequently done on such occasions.-, While he Was away the daughter left the seat to.speait vp-a i�senu, at the same, time a prim old maid came in and took her place. Unaware of the important change inside, father hurriedly put his faceup to the window and said: .-. � "Ohe more kiss; sweet pet!" ' ,/  In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was. thrust from the window, followed by tlie passionate , interjection;. "Scat, y.ou greyheaded wretch, scat!'' �' �� He scatted, WHAT X SERMONt j}R. NORMAN MACLEOD, was once preaching in, av distriot iri-.Ayr-shire, where'the reading, of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault' of which -the minister can-be,guilty;,"When-the congregation dispersed, an old woman; overflowing with enthuoiasm, - addressed her neighbor: < "Did ye ever -hear onytliing  saa gran'? Wasna.that a-sermon??"i- y All her expressions 6f-^admiration/; being met by a stolid" glance, she..; Shouted: "Speak, woman! Wasna that a seVr': .id f � i i J mon?" "He.read it;." said the othoi To which she replied, with" indignant^-^ cmphesis; "I wadna care If he had whustled. it." THEY KISS, BUT DO NOT SPEAK ft1 ;