Lethbridge Herald, The (Newspaper) - December 23, 1912, Lethbridge, Alberta
TO TICKLE: YOUR FUNNY- BONE AH MOTHER USED TO DO. "LTK her puddiims and fuuml fault with all her cake. Jle wished slu-'d make siu.-h as his inotlu'i1 used to nui'ie; didn't wash the dishes, and .she didn'l make a stew, Nor CVPII nii-nd his stockings, us his mother used to do Jli.s mother hail nix eliildmt. but by I night her work was limit1, had only Ilia mothor always was well-dressed, his wife could be- so. too, If shi! would only iminuh'u as his moth- er U.sed to do. wi'll, slit? wasn't perfect but who tried in do her best. Until thought al length her time hail come io take u rest: And so one day, ho the- same hartingut1 went through, Who jusi turned round and boxed his ears, as mother used to do. EASILY FIXED "T never marry, a man I did not love. Never. ".But. .suppo.su ii real man fihould "Why, I should love him, of course." SY GEXTLR PERSUASION. "I'T was'tho first time that John Willie, aged four, had ever faced the least, since ho had begun to take .1 live interest In things. "Now. my little said the photo- grapher. "1C you'll just keep still a moment we shall soon have a pleasant picture." But nothing1 on earth would induce John Willie to keep still. "it you'll just go outside, Ihc arllut wuld, alter lie had tried for half an-hour. "I think 1 can manage it ail right." John Willie's mother went out, for eho too was tired of Hie strain. And, behold! fivu minutes later the photo- grapher smilingly assured her that all v.as veil. As for John Willie, he was y meek as a lamb. Only when they reached home did his mother attempt to discover tht) reason. John Willie explained, looked ter'bto a t? me, and said: Vow, thci.-, you ugly little beast, if you don't keep your twisting carcase still, I'll skin you That's why 1 kept tliiiet." HILDA'S JlHOTtfERS. Ions since a gentleman was passing through cfirtain town in vhlch his only child, an attractive girl well advanced In her 'icons, was Cln- i hint? her education. Having a litilo Ume on his hands, he decided to have conversation with the principal i t! the school. Ho was received wlih pi-cat cordiality, and his daughters at- Uiinmenls were- duly descrlhed. "I said the lady principal to tho proud 'parent, jusi ns !m was about lu take his departure, "that you ought 1 be very happy, my dear sir, to be the 1'ather of such a large family, all the members nf which appear to be perfectly devoted to one another. I think iL is most charming that it hotild he so." ''Large family: Duvoted to one gaspped tin: visitor in tin- ihsguiseJ anifiv.cment.. can 1 jn ppossibly mean, "Oh, but I ;nn sure they arc flevoied to one responded the prin- r pal, hciimlng through her glasses- 'Why, no less than seven oC Hilda's brothers have been here during the rm to lake her out, and she tells mo she ex peels the tall one with the d irk blue eyes again to-morow." N-OTUIXQ fpWO young .Scots ofiU'crs were, on guard at Olbraltar, when one pi' lami had the misfortune to fulTovcr ihe rock and get killed. 'I'hf other one made no mention this in his Riiard report, which simply read; "Nothing extraordinary stnue guard-mounting." Later on Hit- brigadier-general, came along and demanded explanations. tiw. .jfvH -1') y.m uipan-.'sii'' he thundered. "by putting in your ro- purt '-Nothing- extraordinary. Kimrd-inoimtlnK.' when your felloe olTkvr had fallen down "fi rocky prcU pice -100 feet and had .hcan. "Well, goiieritl." answered 'the Scot "I dlnna think there's anything oxtraordinary in that; if lie had fallen feet an' been killed I wld hae tliocht it extraordinary an' pit it In imi report." ._ TlfKX 'I'UKY X atfOfl. grey-haired, and very wrln klcd old woman, arrayed in the out landlsh calieo costume of the momi; tains, was summoned as. a witness in court to fell what she- knew about u flBlil In her house. She! took 'the wit ness stand with evidences of back- wardness and proverbial, bourbon ver- dancy. The judge askfitl her In i kindly voice what took place. She In slsteil it did not amount to much, but Urn judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas. "Now, I tell ye, jedge, It didn't amount to The fust I hnowed about it was when Bill Saumler called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's1 friends then cut Tom with a knife, slicing a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend oC Toin'B, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some excitement, en then they commenced figlitin'." MAMA WAS i he new minister, a hand- some and unmarried man, madfi his first pastoral call at the Fosdicks he took little Anna up in his arms and tried to kiss her. But the child re- fused to be kissed; she struggled loose and ran off into the next room, whore her mother was putting .a few finish- ing touches to her adornment before going into' the drawing room to greet the clergyman, "ilammii." the- little girl whispered "the man in tho drawing room wanted me lo kiss him." replied mamma, "why didn'l you let him'.' I, would if I were you." Thereupon Anna ran back into drawing room, and the. minister asked: "Well, little lady-, won't kiss me nowV" IJNo, I replied 'Anna prompt- ly, "but mamma, soys she will." OMLf MONEf FOR. one. TICKET 'You YouVt. HAVE TO CARRY.-ME Off YOUR FAMILY .QUESTION i'j out, air? AVhy, what have I done'.'" "You know very well that 'children are not allowed in any of my flats." SHE ASKED FOK TIME. said the bookkeeper to the new typist, when all the others Imd gone out to lunch, "Dora, love, will yon marry "Why, Mr. protested the girl, "I have been here but five weeks. 1 don't know ymi "True, but it is lonp'enough for me ht have learned to love you. "Will you not be "t c.in'L answer now." "Don't yen like a little? Tell me thai." "Oh. yes, indeed. I respect you very much, but I must have lime before nnswering your question. I must have at least six months." "Tn enable you to learn to love "Xo, no, you ought to slvc tho pro- prietor an opportunity to prunoso to me." HOW DID HE DO IT? TOO BUAKT. TOE was down -in his than he had been for a long time. That is why he decided lo turn his hand to crime. He had never dabbled In crime before; hut. being lonely now, out of work and hungry, with only one old pisto! in his possession, he could "see no alternative..'-..-1 one evening, happening to meet an old gentleman In a deserted road, he "bravely levelled the aforemention- ed, pistol at his head, demanding, with traditional fierceness, his money i'or his'life. "Come." said the old gentleman, "we can settle Hie matter better than that. How much do you wn.nt for thai pis- "Ten .came the answer. Without a, murmur, the old gentle- man forked out two notes, and in a moment the sale was completed. But, just as Joe was preparing to move on with the money, the purchaser turn- ed un him. "That money he demanded, "or I'll blow your brains "Blow said Joe, sweetly, as he began to walk away. "Tho pistol isn't SAVING HIS BTIEATU. A COUPLE in the West of Knjfland had a boy who was generally un- derstood to be dumb, never having been known to utter a word up to his seventh year. One day his father and he were in the harvest fielcL, It was very hot. so the father a drink of cider. As he waa slowly imbibing from the jar the boy said, "atuake- The father let fall the jar In aston- ishment. he exclaimed, as he stared at die'boy, "You'ni talk- in'; why didden'xfc spake- "Hadn't got howl to replied Jan, laconically. PRECAUTION UfilNG INFORMATION. rpwp young matrons, who arc sisters, keep house In their old family homestead in Kansas City, Kan. Tte- cently their cook. left tiiem. While neither had had much experience in cooking, yot they decided to take charge of the kitchen. They bought three cook books. For Sunday evening lunch it wus determined to have .saner-; kraut and snare ribs. Several friends were asked in. The kraut and ribs were put on the fire to boil. Suddenly U occurred to one of tht, "cooks" that, she did not know how long the combination should cook. She- aflltfxi her sister. She didn't know. They consulted the cook books. I-'ach inve this instruction: "Cook un- til done." They were in despair. One of the hushanilK happened to drop into the kitchen. Hu saw that something was wronvr. Me asked, and was told. "That ought to be easy to find he said. He stepped to the telephone and called: "Information, please." In a moment n gentle voice came over the wire: "This is information. What is it pleaseV" "Information, fan you tell mo how loiitf sauerkraut and spare ribs should Withe-tit a moment's hesitation the silvery voice replied: "Certainly. Cook until ll'.ey are done." EXPLAINED. A LV'RKU was a kind-hearted little boy, though poor and rather 7-ng- and his leather was much touch- j od by iiis brinsiny her every morning: it bunch of flowers. Sometimes they: wero bi-autiful hothouse blooms, some- times they were only garden blossoms; ibut always they wero a little faded. Still, what ditl that matter? The kind thought that prompted the gift was the thins that counted. One ilu.v tho bouquet consisted of orchids, and tho teacher was mnro' 1 puzzled lii.-m to guess how the! boy had pot them. said she. "where do you ijiH nil those flnwei'H from? Ton don't sti-il I horn. I "Stoat no, replied Alfred. "My father's a sca.venfjer." FAT skinny, next time you dig a trench for me in work in, conifi and measure me WHY llfi WAS FIRED. rpr-IE new reporter turned in his slory about Ihe church bazaar, his first assignment. It was the usual story, with the usual names of committee women. Tie linked ai-mmd thfs city editor's desk as the hour for the paper to go to press drew near. ".Funny llung happened at that bazaar t( be said, casually, as converse I Ion lagged. 'What was risked the city editor. "Oh, nothing oC the booths caught fire and they put il out With lemonade." He ncvL-i- knew why he was fired. NEVER -WORRY. TTE was a cheery little man, to whom nothing came amiss. So, when his excitable. little wife suddenly rose to her feet when both were in a rail- carriage on the Way to the sea- shore for the week-end, and exclaimed dramatically, "Tom, we must ?o home at he merely put down the pa- per he was reading, and inquired, mildly; "Why, almost screamed his dancing better half, as she made'fur the nearest carriage door. "Because we've left the cat and the parrot without a single scrap of food." Her diminutive and aggravating hubby regarded her benignly over the top of his spectacles, as he resumed tho perusal of his paper, and remark- ed quietly: "Oh, is that all? .Don't worry, dear, the cal is sure to eat the parrot." INCREASED HIS WAGES. npTE was a. most intelligent youth, and while going through the base- ment at Ihe works lie noticed that some tiling1 wrong with the ma- chinery. He at once gave the alarm, and prevented what might have been was reported to the head of the firm, !i serious accident.. Tho circumstance isefore whom the lad wns summoned. "You have done me a great service, my said the genial chief, "and in future your wages will be increased by'fifty cents weekly." "Tluuik you, said the bright little fellow. "I will do my best to be a good servant to you." "That's the right spirit, my he remarked, encouragingly. "Jn all the years thai 1 have been in businss no j one has ever tlmnkcd me in that way. 11 will make the .increase seventy-five j cents. Now, what do you say to "Well, replied the lad, smiling- ly, "would you mind if 1 said it j TAMED VY A THREAT. J she will not live with yon another ill he A JUMPING PUZZLE "VI'AAI.MA; 1 want yuti lo my Hllle Ms.sini; her reflection in the iniiTiir. nnl mi Ihc nioutli, an I'm KO afraid of yvrnis; su plr.-; Uiliv tier kissing hcrsvtf un tile GETTIXG UP. AM thinking of Ke.umtr nw.s.'li' of "Indei-d; I presume (hat. you ai inir (A ynur iailor rieii." "f kind.' I :irn s-ilii l.uv nnt1 of those litIV five-doll; is a nest ol' forty-nine and black Tho zzle is to start .from any ymi puzzle is to start .fro IP j and Ihe same s in ehrcK'H'K. over it rountfr trim, I lie siiuan1 beyond. Xu counter is ln> anil tin1 nil tire nlnu i uiinli'is mtiHl br- jumped In nine moves, yon do it? rfu- lutlun next week. "Von'll loavi calmly asked, "j'es, I will." in "I wouldn't, if I were yuii ".OnL I will, and I defy you Lo stop j I "Oh. T Fhnift try In stop 1 j quietly replied. "I will simply report to the police that my wife 1ms mys- teriously ou "An' wasna' I here on Monday nlcht." "Ay, so yo were.' I was- hero'.oii" Tuesday nlcht. an" Wednesday nleht, ah' Thursday nitiht. :in' Friduv "Aj', I'm thinkln' that's so." "An1 this Is Saturday nlcht. an1 I'm hero i "Well, what'for no? I'm sure ye're verra "Maggie, said Sandy -In desperation. "D'ye no begin to smell a HIS WIFE RING THE- BELL. A TRUE tale Is told of an old coun- try farmer who-had attiJned pros- perity. Having built himself, a new house, ho declared that it was not. go- Ing to he a, mere place to live in, but was going to have all the "frills." Anyway, lie had an electric bell fitted, then a distinct novelty to the neighborhood. One Sunday afternoon Joe BHggs, a neighbor, called. It was hoi weather, an'd all the windows were open, but the front door was shut. Joe knocked timidly, but ihe farmer took no heed. Joe knocked again louder. Still no reply. Joe grew restive, and knocked again with force- Still the owner of the mansion remained tranquil. Joe stood puzzled and offended, for he knew tho folks were at more he loud, continued knock that resounded over the entire place, whereupon tho nettled owner yelled: ''Rinjf the door bell, confound-ye. Don't ye know nothin'V" THE FLAME. a number of years a bitter feud existed between the Browns and the nextdoor neighbors. The trouble had .originated through tJie depredations of Brown's, cat, and had grown so fixed an affair that neither party ever dreamed of "making: up.." One day, Brown sent by his servant a peace-making note for Mr. read: "Mr. Brown sends Ms compliments to Mr. Perkins and begs to say his cat died this Mr. Perkins' written reply was bit- ter: "Mr. Perkins is sorry to nearW Mr. Brown's trouble, but he had not heard that Mrs. Brown was til." DANGEROUS GROUND MAN what year were you born, madam? The year as your- self. Woman Fun. Miss saiil Jollyer, v nrtcr their Ihiril dance nt the ball, "you arc a most wonderful dan- "Really, do you think she re- iliefl. "Yes, indeed. wonderful than the damsel who danced bcfohj Herod and demanded tlie head of John the Baptist." "Really. How so, "Well, you see, when she danced, one man was decapitated; but when you fiance all men lose their heads." pKUFJiSSOH SMITH, lecturing on African reads This is a picture of the oasis, with my dear wife patiently awallins my arrival" Of course It wasn't, hut the man who was working the lantern had a hard job to persuade the professor that it was all an accident. A WHAT ABOUT'ITt LITTLE slum boy was at a Sun- day school' treat In the- countrv Wandering about the border of a came acrosa a newt having seen anything like this small lizard be managed with some difficulty to secure the prize. Care- fully wrapping Uls capthe in a on dirty pocket handkerchief he bore, K to the farnihouae ivhcro the pirty were having tea, and jam pot wherein ,to earn It home t Ail went well until Victoria btation was reached.' Ihere, bumped by a trolley, the dropped his jam-pot upon the platform Over 'the fragmonte ot broken pot and the remains of the poor newt, ho stood blubbering for all he was w orth There, there my little man'" said the curate in charge oC the treat Don't Next year we'shall so again to tho country, and the trees Tiill all be In bud. and the stream will be flow Ins brightly, -Lor lummy, gm nbr'" blubbered the boy. "I-ain't cryin' about ..the blessed trees. What about my bloqm- in' ARMS ASD THE Bang! Bang! It seemed to the pretty girl that rifles were cracking where, which really Isn't surprising, seeing that It was manoeuvre time, an-d she was standing In the' middle' of tho field of mimic, war and battle. she screamed a nice, de eorous little as she stepped back into tho astonished arms of'tho young man who happened to be Ing near her. Then she. blushed a charming, moat becoming blush l "Oh, I'm sorrv1' she said 'I was frightened by the rifles" "Not at replied .the young mail. "Let's SO' over and watch the, TUB SUGAR THUST. SHARP boy walked Into a ffro- ccr's shop. sir." ho said to the'proprie- tor, "mother told me tn ask-you; whe-j ther such a a'sugar: "Of course there was the" an swcr. "Well, then, .mother wants to be trusted for two pounds." >s ALWAYS WANTING SOMETHING "M1AKK llic 1" set! Iho imivvcr. will vei'V" "N'mv iiin'l jusl boon and 'ad your 'air cut? Blow'd if you ain't u-cravliiff' after -Lomlpn Opinion.