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Lethbridge Herald Newspaper Archives

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Lethbridge Herald, The (Newspaper) - December 4, 1912, Lethbridge, Alberta TO TICKLC YOUR FUNNY-BONE NT LlltR C'ASBY. QNC13 thoro WHK a switchman mimed Citsuy. He won a euro-free fellow and lie loved hla work. One night u brldgo was swept awuy and Casey knew that n heavy pnsscn- syr train would soon ho He grubbed his lantern, run down the track, signalled the onrushlng train, a nil brought It lo a stop, hut ho lost Ills own life In Hie effort- The paason- ffprs poured out. They were grateful for what Casey Imd done, and they wanted to ahow their appreciation in some wny. They found that Casey had no relatives, and KO they decided to set a life sine oil painting' of the hero and hang It Ip the Hallway y. M, C. A. at Contralla. When the picture camp It showed him In his working clothes, swinging his Jiinturn. The committee thought H was well done, but before they ac- cepted H they decided to call In Cas- ey's pal to pass his judgment. The pal looked at the picture critically. He surveyed it from tile different Hides. then, not satisfied, he reached out his hand to touch Casey's. "Don't do shouted the a'rlist, "it Isn't dry." Casey's pp.l drew hack, and, with look of supreme disgust, he answered: "Well, if it ain't dry. It ain't Casey." OPTIMIST. A HUM DOLT rancher returned from a year's trip through the east to find that .1 one-time neighbor of bis, a. mull noted perfect patience, had bpen having; a. siejro of bad luck. Upon hearing the news he immediately sought 'out the neighbor to condole with him. John." sahl.' after the greetings liad been exchanged. "I hear you lost all of your UmUer through the forest fires." The other man nodded. "And they 3ay that the .'river cut off our best bottom land; that your hops died of cholera; that your wife and i( Ven had been sick, and that they now foreclosed the mortgage .on other im nod.led again. "Yes. all j" he -jfiid, look ins' about him tit t. had cnce been his prosperous VKItY AN' Irishman, with one Hide of his fucti biidly swollen, stepimd into Or. llurtcm'u office and inquired 1C tlio dentist was In. "I um .the said the doctor. 1 want to know if you can toll mo wlmt'B the matter with this tooth." The doctor examined thy offending molar and explained: "The nervy dc-iid; that's what's the matter." "Then, bo the the Irishman exclaimed, ''the other teeth be holding a wulco over It." PAf-A'S TURN. HOY (wlio ban Just soon his mot Her dl.smlns the servant for staying awuy from home the previous night fivts or six hours without ".Mamma, wasn't It very wrong In Ma--y to stay out so Mamma "Yen, lit-, anil very impudent, was. Hut I won't keep such a person In my house." Little lioy: "When arc you going to dlmniss THAT SETTLED IT till true. Why, 'almost discouraged." sometimes I NONE FOR .HIM if i A AKQVLAIt OIlATOIt. AX married Insisted that U wan hlH duty to mako n Hpecuh at the wedding brcjikftint. And this is how he did It: "My dear friends. I tilves mo great pleasure to Hint Is, to in- form you that I shouldn't like to be a mean a riRaln, mid I'm Hiiro my wife wouldn't pit her. No, no! i should have said that my wife wouldn't be a spin that 1.4, a spinster if she could. Er I cannot Kit down -rl mean I cannot resume my seat without thanklris you for the birth- I mean wedding presents which you have showered upon me witli such er profusion, You have made us very happy with your gifts, which we -yaluu far more than your presence cr I moan timt 1 should have said ibat 1 or, rather Here he gave It lip, and as they traveled to Hastings to spend their honeymoon the young bi'kle told him bis speech was splendid, and Hint any- 1 with his gift of oratory ought lo be an M.P- WANTKD A AT a certain college In North of Scotland the male students uro not allowed to visit the residing hi'Jy hoarders, Ono day a malo titudcnt was caught In the act of doing so and was court-inarllftilcd. The rector, 'ad- dressing him, said: "Well, Mr. M-----. The penally for Uio first offence in ZK. Cd., for Uio second for the third 78. Bd., and BO on, rising half-a-crown each lime up to In solemn tones the trespasser said: much would a seuson ticket lllOIITEOUS T1TTM3 HUTU waa Uio youngont daughter in a very strict Presby- terian family that uuiiVcially abhorred profanity. One day little Iluth became exceed- ingly exasperated with one of her dol- lies. In her baby vocabulary nho could find no wordu to oxprenu ado- quutely her disapproval of dolly'u con- duct. Finally, throwing the. offending doily across the room. nho cried feelingly: "My graoloua! I wlfih 1 to a family that TURNING THE TABLES TODD'R MISTAKE. T TELL you, Edsoly." said Mr. Todd as they Kit in the park, way women dress these days la absurd! jAml nine limes1 but -of'ton It is the fault of the men. Just, "for instance) take that' woman coming down the jpnth. Some fool husband has told her she looks perfectly charming' in thdt get-up, Kicking the stain-j Ina to come right bluntly and tell her that she looks positively ridicul- ous." Since this remark. Mr. Todd lias never seen in public 'without his slas- 8cs. ,The woman was Mrs. Todd. E. "They -Miss Wlndormere, that like one another after a while." She: "Then you must consider my in anil was a thfl train lion had been attentive to a senile- ticn. and evnry member of the squad, man he noticed O110 himself labelled to. an oul-nf-ihe-way .station y; ..y ,lg a mj. a miles beyond. On reaching the traveler's destination the gimnl. huv- ins carefully deposited the gentleman's traps on the platform in acknowleclg- j ir.ftut of a generous tip. solemnly grasped the donor's hand and Veal hiply shook it. This unusual .move raised the curiosity of the passenger, .who asked tha meaning of it. The guard answered significantly: "Well, sir, you neve'r can tell. T have left several gentlemen such at this forsaken hole, 'but never one up; goodness only knows what be- comes of them. I don't." TTUNGAJIY Harry: "Some fol 'i all the bloumin' NO USE. TX the telephone office there was or.e girl who was always late in the morning. Time and again tho local manager requested her to be more imnctual; but her tardiness still continued, un- til he was moved to use desperate methods- "Now, srJd he, as lie Came to her exchange board one morn- Ing carrying a package in his hands, "I have a little _ scheme that I hope induce you to arrive at the office in lime- I have bought this fine alarm clock fur you. PIcnse promise me that you will make proper use tiC It.' The young woman promised, and the first night set the alarm at the re- quired hour for rising the next morn- ing. At the Indicated hour the clock sot up a tremendous whirring, loud enough to awaken the whole house. But the sleepy little lassie turned over in bed and said in her sweetest tone: "Lino's busy; call again, please-" PERMANENT HAD COMPANY. A'N old agricultural laborer, who was spending a day in one of our large northern towns, enjoyed himself so much that he. decided to stay-until .the last train. Not knowing the time of its departure, lie made his' way to the station to make Inquiries. Seeing u group or porters on the platform, he approached them and asked what time the last train left for Kicklcy. The wag of the party informed him that the last, train left just before the Judgment Day. 'Wai, said the old man, "I wad no travel by that train on no ac- count." "Why asked the porter. "Wai, yer see, it's this replied the old man. "That thar train may b'- a bit late, and I wad no like to be seen hanging about of- ficials of this railway company when the hist trump blows." SELLING OUT. MM1E' rival elevens were just prepar-. Ing for a rather impromptu yame of football. But the sky suddenly grew so dark that thft referee ordered a postponement until things cleared off a bit. The players retired 10 a small lunch room at the corner of the field and proceeded "to invest in sand- wiches, etc. But even when the sky grew clear the referee did not call play, and one of the players went up to him and asked the reason for the seemingly unnecessary delay. "Oh, I'm waiting for.a signal from the lunch room was ihc reply. "You see, him and me's partners." The'- in question failed on the five hundred yard shot, and y.-hen the major tried him ul two hundred yards, he .again missed the target. Both the hundred-yjinl and the .fifty- yard range were tried, but the. recruit somehow failed to connect wit li- the target each time. .The major became exasperated, and, in thundering, tones, commanded the recruit: "Altmshim! Fix bayonet, charge (be target; it's the last chance -ye'vc got." "So you want to marry my daughter. Are you in a position to support a i Suitor: many of you ure Opinion, TWIT IWWAS OEXEROUfl. X Englishman who had lost both arms and both legs obliged to alms. As 'he snt on his street corner one day an. Irishman passed by and dropped fifty cents into his hat. Almost immediately, the Irish- j 'man returned and gave him fifty cents more- "You are a good rt kintl- lonking old lady. "lo give that un- fortunate man so 'much." I'd give him'more if I could." said the "for he's the only Englishman I Ihrirn- mcd to suit Star. CONVALESCENT HEEDED REFKESHMEXf. man rushed excitedly into the smoking compartment. "A lady has fainted in the next car- riage? Has anybody got any whisky'.'" he asked, Instantly half a dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearest one, he turned the bottle up and took a. big drink; then, handing the flask back, said: "Thank you! It always did make me! feel ill to sec a lady faint." i "Bacon rank, sir! Im- possible, sir! Why we cured it ourselves onlj last The Victim: it's had a re- Bulletin. EQUA.L TO TUB OCCASION. QHE was and slio was newly-married; although she did her utmost to conceal the fact. But in one of the shops, when asked Hie address for'some goods to be sent along, she absent-mindedly forgot that she. was .Mrs. Hart, nnd gave her maiden Elizabeth" Bacon, 7G9 King street east" Not till she was outside did the sad truth dawn upon her that she had made a hopeless error. How could. It be explained awny? She thought furiously for a few seconds, then, in her best manner, re- entered th'c shop pajled up to the man who had served her. "Yes, He bent forward, painfully obsequious. parcel for Miss IDENTITY UNMISTAKABLE. and grey was the afternoon. Slowly, with reluctant footsteps, Walter William made his way towards the Sunday school. If the truth be told In one fell swoop, he was not a. lover of Sunday school, and. were it hot for paternal compulsion, would have found some other way of con- genially passing the time. As so often happens, when one is down in the dumps, another hitter blow was in store for Walter William. He had two beautiful new pennies, one for the Sunday school, and its brother for the purpose of buying sweets, or some similar delicacy. Unhappily, he lost one of the bright new coins, and in due time reported imuk'it 'care of Mrs. will, you, the event at' the maternal headquar please? Thank THE WRONG SORT. AN old Irish peasant was one sitting in. front of his cottage puffing away furiously at his pipe Match after match he lighted, pulling hard at his pipe the while, until at last the ground all round his feet was strewed with struck matches. "Come In to your dinner. Pasty" at .length called out his wife. and OJ will in a minute, said. he.. "Moike Afulrooney has been' a' telling me that if Ol smoked n bit of glass Oi cud see the spots on the sun. Oi don't know whe- ther ifoike's been a fooling me or whether Oi've ,got hold of the wrong kind of NOT AN ACTOR. much of nn 'Not much. They say he's pretty fair in Shakespeare, but ho can't do a sidewalk patter or clog dance worth cent" AN EXPERT. A NICK present for his son's birth- day was the customer's quest as he stopped into a book-shop. "What sort of book would you asked the obliging assistant, which would be useful and said the customer, forgetting that he himself had always hated such books when he was a "Well, here is just the said the assistant. retorted the proud father. "Why, Tom doesn't need teachr ing anything about that. You should see him at dinner-time'." did >vr f look "I didn't tflvi- '.ul it." SHE KN8W. rIE room was full little girjs in! pink pinnies and pigtails. They gat in rows at'-wooden 35 quic-t damsel, stern v.'it'nsJ. I lesson concerned coins of the 1 rft-ilm. had been through the. j entire range, from farthings to cover- i 1 eisiin, Onfl little htnvrvcr. w: larly H.-r i upon n spurrov: on pill, and had no Suddenly the teacher pouiv hor riiirhw hrilf dollar ill' fixed window ILL JoiT 6HOVJ YOU HOW I OSEO TO LAS50 BRONCHOS. WHEN t WAS A YOUNG FELL riORTH AMERICA tera. "But, Walter, which of the two pen- nies did you Back came the reply, like a rlEle bullet: "Oh, the Sunday school" mother, of A FINE OFFER. YHE proprietor of a Turkish bath es- tablishment in Milwaukee was much taken by the physical perfec- tions of a young man he saw in a butcher's shop. After minute survey of the huge muscles of the young man the Turkish bath proprietor fered him a position ds'rubber in his establishment. "I'll give you more than you're get- ting said he- "What'does'this1 man pay ''Ten dollars i week and mj said the butcher employe. "What Is the meat "About S-i." Tiie Turkish bath man did some rapid figuring. _ "Look said he finally. "I'll tell ydu what I'll do. I'll give you and worth of baths weekly.. That will be a dollar more than you .get from the butcher." TIIK LEAST CORRUPT. f _ MOSB was. an old VlrglifU durky, and had four sons. lie WM' known a good financier npiong acciualntanccH, and novor let any opportunity to money. At election time he vlsttinl the local tiuarters of both Democratic and ItOf publican pltrticfl and made it known that ho could "deliver" his five family votes if he was shown a consideration. The day after the election Unuie Move told of ills "Yaos, Ah told them Demmyerats they all could have all of our votes an 'they tole moi all right, they would glvo fifl cuiits apleco for 'em. Ah ,told 'em that was a fair price, and Ah c'l- lected the money. Then Ah went to them Republicans an1 they all said' a dolltih apiece was all right, tin' Ah got the money., Then mah eons.and me went an' voted." "Of course, Uncle Mose, you o-M your sons voted the Republican ticket because the 'Republicans were moro the friend who heard the old darky's story, remarked. "No, ash, no, the old man re- plied. "We voted for the Demmycrota. figgah'd fom their dcalin'e with us that the Demmycrats was tho least corrupt, snh, HO we voted that ticket." A OENBROUS KID. A LOVELY woman who UVCB on Koxford road, East Cleveland, Ihe proud mother of two bqya. liogi-' nald is G years old, whiler-'Itonaldv not yet 2. Bolh children are active and Inquisitive, so It has "become lie- ceesary lo employ a -young, girl: to watch them. Mamma, is subject to mamma lias discovered the sort 'ofO proprietary pills that ,wlil. relieve th'erii.'- One mustn't take more than uiie per hour. And .the other afternoon niam-; ma had a headache, took a pill; artel''" went to rest. After awhile she got up" to repeat the dose, and found ifio pill box empty. She summoned the maid. sho "Did Reginald swallow ail those pills? Answer answered ITrlda, with a smile. VDon't bo scared none. He's1 a cheiierous safe half of 'em to tier .Plain Deal- er. A COMFORT. "ATHS. That cat has eaten my canary. I shall7 neevr, see little Billy again, comforted, sorrowful; one; Billy Is probably how a bird paradise. PROOF POSITIVE DANGEROUS TALK. I wish you wouldn't men- tion dishwashing when George is calling on me. "Why not. "I don't like it. It sounds common." "Common, th? We hiive to eat. don't "Of "course." "And Geurge knows we eat and use "That's very .true." "And George also knows that dishes have to be washed, .therefore some- body lias to wash "But, "What "Jf you keep on talking about .It George may discover that' you make faiher wipe them, and he may- lliink the same thing is coming to.him if he TAWYER: Perhaps I can get jou ofl on the insanity plea. Have you any insane relativesT Prisoner: Well, my father-and mo- ther retained y.ou to defend me, didn't they? 'AFRAID OF HIB LAWYER. YOUNG lawyer had been the court to defemi a. niaii. charged with larceny. In his argu- ment to the jury he pleaded for .the1 acquittal of his client. He told of'hjs innocent boyhood days, of good char- acter, of his father, ;bro- In short, he launched forth in- J to a family history. The prisoner, an old darky, had lis- tened with growing -urieasiness to. his counsel's .and as the attorney went on without a hint- of .stopping-, the negro was driven to desperation. Jumping'tb his feet, he'yelled to -the court: '.Ts guilty, .honah, I's guilty! DC, jury can't dn no mob dan send me to' jiill fo' six months, but if fool lawyer doan -stop, dey'll hang me, fo' FIND: MISSING WORD A MOVING MELODY. QLD Bil'iMgh, after UiuiHing ruefully, of the gas and coal that were be- ing consumed downstairs, waa Just Iropping oft" to sleep when hfc was roused by a moaning noise from' be- o w. j he bellowed, making his way to the top of the stairs. "Eva! What cfti earth is that howling down pas" .came in shocked 9 _ __ __ tones. "Why, It's Mr. Chuffer singing the interrogation marks 'Love me and the world Is ii'-' in the above I'orrcarion I "Then.Jor goodness sake, love six words, each coHeistine of jtroWieu p'raps tfte smiy resd ?roiii left ;o j youns a.FS will going- to look after ti his j QUICK Is a Krtat thinff." snifl Cheerful Idiot ;is he- laid down tho paper. "flow do jou make that oin ask- ed the Old I'-oRi-y. "Here's man wild adv-i tisfd I'm- a lir.y on Monday." rcplk-ii ihc rii'MTu! nnd Tirowlay hit; wife him right, rfsnily: favorite breed of hang loose an'3 swinp. certain kind of knife. in the shade, falnilniis monster. Then the Jotters which take plucos of Ihc sli Inu'rn.'sation marks, read dnwnwnnls.- will.apcll forgivonops. If tlu-y tiun'J y.m haven't found I he rtsht words must try- again. Sulu- ;