Hutchinson News (Newspaper) - October 28, 1890, Hutchinson, Kansas
z Hl'TflHINRON DAILY NEWS: TOESDAY MORNING, OCTOBER 28,189*. WHOOP CITY DOINGS. Vlvl* QAi*mpm*i* of Rociflty T.lfct In nlay afternoon, and incident/* ally �anntioned tho row at. tho h.-kptulng �out at. Jerkwater crook, laat Sumlay, during which tho preacher wns drownoi). XJncle Jackey, though seventy-two years old, held his own hi llm scrimmage. �Call again, TTncle -lackey." "UUln Willie Hanks" was paiiifully burt, Monday. His mother, :m is her �wont when making him a pair of punts, had him lying on tho cloth on the floor while she chalked tho shape imitnul him. At that moniont, his father came hurrying in with tho ihuvk that there was an Eastern capitalist in town, and stepped on tho poor little fellow's heart tvforo ho saw him." "Ttovrend Mr, Harps rei|iie'its us to announce that ho will marry all comers at loss rates than any one olse in the town. Old bones, ra^s anil iron taken snrno a* nosh." "Wednesday morning it was found that the cashier of tho Whoop l.'it.y Savings Hank had (led with the fumlsof tho Institution, leaving this le^-nd posted 1 on tho door: 'Hank Suspended.' Tho boys naught him later. Thurnda.y morning ho waa found swinging on a jaek-oak limb with ibis h-tfeud pinned to his hnsoin: 'flank Cnshi'T Suspended.'" "There wa� a lively roi. raee on tho oast ^idc, Sunday. The (.raveling correspondent of an Kar.teru paper wiw i'. The boysi found out that he had written to his paper that our prosperous little city is wot honming. Hence tho race. "Wo hear bu lo;it an ear jii'-t before start-ing." "Wo have a damage suit on hand for lilt ling Hank Parsons' cow. Lnnt Sabbath morning, as we lay \oi-l;ed in slumber, this brute came along, IhniBi her head in at the open window, and. "iiei;> ing a corner of our crazy ijiiilt (apresent from Aunt Missouri Azherryl, began to pull itont �f the window preparatory to devouring it. Aroused from a sweet droaru by thi'i ruthless onslaught, and not being a mnek and hnmblu rabbit, wo grasped a (mooting stick and smote the boast on a vulnerable spot betwixt the horus, killing her in her tracks. Warned by this proof of our skill, Hank instituted the damage null as before stated, instead of coming to see us about it, as ho threatened." "I*ator--Mr. Parsons ran away with our wife, last night. So this, wo suppose, .��quashes tho damage suit."--Tom P. Morgan, in Munsoy's Weekly. COULDN'T FOOL HIM. ed the street A Mam Who ICnnw Ilmv I >� Ui-i-p ;t Whrn Had Our, "What, star is that*.'*' tnqtur raw-boned stranger, halting ia ih' corner. ' "Tliftt ain't a star,*'said the fakir with ft tolbficopn. "That is a plane!." "H'm! What planet in it'.1'' "That, Mir, is dupiter." "Its Jupiter, is it? How ito you know it's Jupiter?" ,vTVhy everybody know:: tlia1. phmut is Jupiter." "But how do you know it'.'" "Know it by Its belts.*' "Hain't any other planet got, bolts?" "Possibly some of them have. In tho remotest depths of space ihero may ho myriads �'f world-; that the teloseopo has not rerouted to us, and some of thorn may have bolts like thin one." "That's what. I thought. Do you s'poso Jupit>er is inhabited'.'" "Some persons think it is, and somo say it has not yet cooled oir Bufll-clently for human beings to live upon It." "Do you think it's likely that thu people who live on it, if there, rue any, call it Jupiter?*' "Oh, d4; it isn't at all likely."' "H'm! How much do you ch:irgv for looking at it through that thing?" "Only five eon Is." "Five cents, hey? You want five cents lor squinting about ton seconds at a planet you call Jupiter because every 4body elsc ealls it. Jupiter, and because it's got bolts, whon you r-ay yonrsolf it ain't iho only ono that's got holK and you aekmnvledge tho people on it don't * call it Jupiter? ft'a my belief you don't know whether it's .fuplter or dob's Ooffln. 1 say that it's a durn swindle.'" And ho elbowed hia way out of Uio proVd and walked ojT, leaving :hft tolo-KCope man jumping up ami down in Bpooohlotis rage.-Chicago Tribune. iiumblor professor ot tbo same school, who figured in an adventuro that bofoll no lens a person than Sir Walter SootU During one of tho great novelist's journeys through the north of England ho was attacked by a slight indisposition while hailing at a small village near the Scottish border, and sent out his servant in quest of a doctor. The man soon returned, and ushered in a stout, elderly person, in whom Sir Waltor recognized, to his no small surpriso, a former servantof his own. "Why, John,'' cried he. "is this really you?" "Ay, it's me. Sir Walter," answered the visitor; "and I'm varra glad to see ye again, f hue gotten nemo o' thae [1 host'J story-hooks o' yours yet., and they're jist grand! Whiles [sometimes] I caima sleep, and then 1 jist tak' ano o* yon books o' yours, and read a weo bit, and. wow! I'm fast asleep i' five min* ittes!" "Well," said Scott, laughing good-hnmoredly at this rather doubtful compliment. "I'm very glad that any hook of mine can do ^o much good. Hut, tell me, John, how came my man to bring I sent, Mm out to fetch mo a appear to me that way whon 1 try toYe-call them. It Is all very fine, I suppose, to have nlco things written about you after you have been picked up la pioces along tho tracks and to bo described as a THEIR GRANDFATHERS. John, with quiet am iist the doctor I/mi her doctor." "Wrnl," replied dignity, "I mysel' here." Sir Walter was thunderstruck, as well ho might he, knowing as ho did that John u,,.e- as ignorant of medicine as o( Chinese. "1 should hardly havo thought of you turning doctor, John," said ho at length. "Pray what drugs do you use?" "1 hao jist twa o' them, Sir Walter--calomy and lodorny" (calomel and laudanum. ) "Hut., my good John," cried Scott, uhurtdoring involuntary at tho idea of such a pharmacopoeia in .such hands, "with drugs like those do yon never happen to-aheml-to kill any one?'" "KillV echoed John with a vindictive energy to which no words can do just ice. "Kill the Kuglisbers? U will bo lang ere 1 can muk* up /t>� Flodden/''-Pavid Kerr, in Kditer's drawer of Tlarpei'V Magai'.lo". A FEMALE SWINDLER. How She Vlfliuil/.rtt t\ |lt)nteu l-'irm to (lu; KiU'iit .if a Thfiusarid I>i'llari�. There is a tliotisand-dollar countor-feit note in tho possession of tho socrot service bureau in New York with an interesting history. One morning, not so very long ago. a handsomely dronsed lady catered one. of the largestdry goods houses in lloston and, after selecting a shawl worth .'J'LM), londorcd a gemiinu one thousand-dollar hill in payment. The note was, of course, carefully scrutinized and finally sent to a neighboring bank, whore it was vouched for. When the lady was informed of its acceptance she became- indignant ami expressed in no measured u-ynis her opinion of a firm that would for :. moment tiuspcc.i. Inn- huuesty. -So �vrathv wa;S she. indeo: plained thaL. having walked all over Hoston without being able to find a shawl that suited her, she had -returned to apolo-gizo for her 'nasty action and to take tho shawl she had first selected. Again sho tendered a .51,000 noto-not a genuine one this lime, but a closely executed counterfeit. OC course, the firm accepted tho money, believing it to ho tho genuine note, without ijucstiou, and the woman depart ed with her shawl and $750 in change. The swindle was not discovered until the counterfeit was rejected at tho bank. Tho notewas scntto tho secret Service Hurcau, whero its history is occasionally related to interested vi:-Itur.i. The woman v/afi never caught.- Beaton Herald. , S'fimul Arivire. "I'm terribly embarrassed; my oldest bc� is just nineteen and I haven't tho slightest idea what 1 shall make of him." "Doesn't ho show any inclination *or any particular vocation?" "Well, he scorns fond of traveling- Roiiig about, you know." 'Tvo got It; make him railroad man," "No, I goons I'll make him a bank aBfaior."-(Joneral Manager. Modern Sclent-en. "I suppose your son learned a lot *t that now-fangled Boston school?" **Oh, yes. Henry stood at the head of �Ubis flluK.sos in tho sciences." 'And what lsho doing now-resting?" 'Oh, dear, no. Henry is applying his knowledge in perfecting a circular saw for cutting trowsers for bow-legged mea."- Judge. Fnnnltmy'h KipPiiHlvt> ,Iultu. Mrs. Hashloigh-Try some of this stake, Mr. Fnnniboy. Fuimlhoy-Thank you, 1 am nob a police court judge. Mrs. llashltdgh, but jot I bate to try a good many tough as oh. Mrs. HaHhloigh-Mr. Funniboy, I will want your room whon year wnok is up,-Wost Shore. SutlHfuotlon w," r.aid Ned, "J. havo boon courting iSallio W. a long while; and so wo had a great notion of jotting married, when that, darned old Colonel-" 'Go on, !Ncdt don't bo a boy; what about Colonel--?" "Why, you hoc, Sally said 1 had better ask him; and so I did, as porlito as I knowed how." "Well, what rrnly did no make?" "Why. ho kinder hinted round as if I wa'n't Wanted thcro!" "Well, Ned, let m; know what tho hintu were-what the Colonel aald to disturb your mind so." "Why, ho said If ho cached mo thero again, ho would cowhide mo till I hadn't an inch of skin left on my back; darn his old pictorl"--N. Y. Ledger. A Hud I Iron If. uTlploy-Have a pleasant time at her house laat night? Spoonor- Yes; I made a bad break, though. Kiploy-Say something you didn't intend to? Spooner-No; I broke the front gate gottlng away from the dog.-Munsoy's Wookly. ______ A Utiilthful Occupation. Gazzam (reading)-Jean Jacquc Vor-Baillea, a noted Frenchman, is dead at . tho ago of 107. ' Lark in-Ho must have boon engaged in u very healthful profession to have lived so long. "He was a duelists."-N. Y. Sun. of inevitable death. The trouble about all that is that, a fellow Is net hero to rend all those fine things about hlmsolf. They come too late to do him any good and tho thought that they will bo said is net likely to occupy his mind very much when he is looking into an open switch fifty yards ahead of him and his machine is going at tho rate of fifty milos an hour, or when ho sees another train coming round a curve at the rato a mile a minute on the same track he Is on, but in an opposite direction, whilo he is rushing to moot it at the same rate. There is not much room for thoughts of glory in his mind then, 1 can toll you, ' and after having gone through a few of such scenes it is not to bo wondered at it his nerves do get shaky once in a whllo. Pee that wido scar running from my crown to the back of my head? That is the result of ono accident of tho kind that I havo como through. I got that on the Grand Trunk railway of Canada, botween Hamilton and Toronto. Iliad charge of a freight train at tho tlmoand wo were ton minutes behind and going at a fifty milo gait to try to make up. Rounding a curvo we saw rushing down on us a fast, passenger exprua* that should have wailed at tho last station until wo go past, but which through some mistake of tho train dispatcher had been sent on to the next sLopping place. I had only timo to grab the lover ami reverse the engine when the two trains were togothor. The last I remember waa making a bound from the cab just as thny struck. The next I know I was lying in my own cottage in Toronto, six weeks after, with my head all tied up and every inch of my body aching as if it wcro being slowly torn to pieces by grappling irons. It was threo months before I could get on my foot again, and six boforo I could do my work. How long it will bo till I ceaso to feel any effect from U depends, I suppose, or how long I live. Tills I do know, that though iry TJtllu I* Known. An almost unknown tribe of Indians living in a secluded canyon near the Grand Canyon of tho Colorado, was recently discovered by Colonel Holahinl, of Lor- Angeles, who has been prospecting along 'he Colorado. This "rib'/was tho Yavi Supais who nearly till the condition of tho lost Indians in "The Aztec Treasure Hotr-.e." The Colonel says: "I guoss I was the second white man who over visi ted their cany or- They are a peaceable people, but avoid coming in contact with tho whites. They are of the Apache family, hut are evidently ancient people The men are magnificent r.peeimens of manhood, I rounded up the settlement and counted just '.M7 ot them, fully two-thirds being females. The valloy in which they havo lived for many years in seclusion has but two ways of approach. It contain!;, porbaps, 2,000 acres and is inclosed by almost porpendicular walls 4,000 foot high. Wo traveled for over fifteen miles along tho canyon, over tho most lifeless countrj* man evor set foot upon. Suddenly wo came to two boiling springs under a clump of cottonwood trees. From theso springs a river ytarts which winds 11^ way through tho most luxuriant valloy rogion. The water in tho river is clear as crystal, and being strongly impregnated with lime petrifies every thing it touches. Thero aro threo immonso cataracts in tho canyon, built up during tho past centuries by calcareous petrifaction. The chief of tho tribo is an old man of sixty, named Cup tain Tom, a name given by John D. Lee, tho Mormon, who escaped from Utah and for six years lived in biding with red men. He was tho first white man the Yavi Supais bad ever seen, and ho taught the chief tho white man's languago and tho use of fire-arms. Tho Indians live in small houses woven from young willow trees." Ilolanird found those Indians starving, their only .supplies being grass soed and cedar berries. Ho appealed to tho Indian Department., but they gave no aid because thoy said those were wandering Indians. General Miles will in-vcstir'ito their condition and help thorn. -Chicago Journal. a very old New York family which had transferred its laros and ponates to this city early in tho contury. Stopping at the big hotel were members of the families of the Uhinolandors, tbo Galbtinn, tho Stewarts, the Oerrys, tho Stuyve-santR, the PnPtiystorM. tho Clintons, and several others of tho best-known names in New York. A group was formed of a half dozen of the New York bluo bloods and tho Brooklynito. Ono of tho party spoke of a literary troasuro, if it might bo .-o called, which he had a few days before picked up In an old bookstall down-town. Tho treasure was a directory of New York City printed a hundred years ago. Tho party wcro at onoo inloteMod and tho directory was prod ucod. "Now," said a membor of tho group, 'let us try an experiment. Each ono of us will write tho name of his grandfather on, a slip of papor, hand it to ono person, and then wo will see if tho names so''ollected appear in the directory." The proposition was received with great favor. Tho papers were distributed and tho returns handed in. Then amid much merriment tho bunt for tho grandfathers began. The first name, now borne by the most distinguished family i" Gotham, had opposito it tho business of "butcher." "Yes," said tho fifteen or twenty times a millionaire who bore his grandfather's cognomen, "my grandfather sold meat to your grandfathers." Tho second name unearthed proved to be a shoemaker. "And my grandfather," said this worthy's d-'M-ondant, "made your grandfather's Sli.�es." So It wont round. All those names which coi.ld bo found had tho imprint of somo u-eiul trndo after them. Tho Brooklyni'.e'ygrntidra-ther was dignified beyond nil tho rest by the respectable appellation of "merchant." This is ii positive fact; and there was not ono of these descendants of butchers, baker;- and candlestick-makers but is in tho inner circlo of New York's four hundred and worth as many millions as he iias fingers and toes. It is no discredit, indeed, thai such flhould -be the facr. Tho country was new a con airy and odd years ago and Now York was not so very much more than :i village. But it is strange how quickly the blood of aristocracy gets so very, very bluo. FIVE GENERATIONS. JU.v-inff ITiiuVr Ont� 1 '�\v> Ol.lt-st Five genoralions a tit u to a Lingular tb- -A fow days sinco, a chicken belonging to a family in Oglethorpe, Ga., happened to fall into an old dry well thirty-two foot doep. Its squalls attracted attention, but, the well being unsafe, no ono could bo found who would risk him-uelf down in tho well to got tho fowl, and it soomed doomed t? starvation. A mombor of tho family, taking compassion upon tho prisoner, procured a box, tied it to a rope, and lot it down in tho own death is said to bo a question of a well, and, surprisingly, no sooner had abort time. �y�popala. Thero 1r no doubt that tho average American oats too rapidly. No ono who has witnessed tho foats ot dcglutltku performed; by commercial travelers at a -That servant girl in Springvalo, Me., who refused an oJfor of i?t*>,O0D in cash aud tho title to all his property, which was to bo her reward for marrying hor employer when sho know ho had a wife la a far-oM' State, has got a "char-actor" such as a great many pooplo above hor in station couldn't hope to got on their merit* -One of America's most oxtonslvo continental travelers Is Captain Newton II. Chittenden, last reported at Spokane Falls, now making his twontioth trip across the continent. Ho was anofflcor in the Fourth Wisconsin Cavalry, and after the war graduated in law from Columbia Collego, New York. For tho past eighteen years ho has boon exploring with tho view to write a history of tho tribes of tho North American Indians. Ho is proportionately well acquainted with Alaska and llrltish America, llo Is a descendant of Daniel lloone. Ilo is tall and of striking presence, with hair and hoard long and wavy. 19 a ad 21 East Sherman Street, DOES A GENERAL SPECIALTIES 1H THE BOOK DEFARTMERT. Journals, Ledgers, Balance Books, Minor Abstract Books, Blank Books of all kinks, Land Examiner's Book* .Loan Registers, County Records, Manilla Copy Books, Ward Registration Books, White Paper Copy Books, Scale Books a specialty 'teal Estate Contract Books. Altorney^s J^heotionJRegiBtere. The above is only a partial list of the goods we carry and the work we are prepared to execute promptly,. We are making a specialty of Magazine Book Binding! and we bind Magazines and Law BookB in all styles and at lowest prices. We wish the public to understand ths4 we are ready and prepared to execute any kind of Printing or Book Workl Rave ptock forms, but can make special forms to order. We guarantee all work and solicit patronage. Mail Orders Receive Prompt Attention. AddreBB NEWS PRINTING AND PAPER GO. H.iitchirison, JKas. -"1 don't know what's got into those editors of tho humorous press," remarked a professional punster as ho walked from tho hanotum dejectedly pocketintr his returned manuscript!, "thero isn't ono of them that knows how to talf.0 a Joke."-Yonkors Oil-, sette. J. H. PL ATE, The Grocer and Bake^r Keeps constantly on hand a fine tine ol Ooflfeea and Teat, and a fall line ol Groceries. No. 113 North Main Street.