High Point Enterprise Newspaper Archives Dec 30 1973, Page 26

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High Point Enterprise (Newspaper) - December 30, 1973, High Point, North Carolina Organization dedicated to pondering mumbling by Richard e. Meyer a new features writer Washington apr unthinkable like a sober new years. Watergate. Energy crisis. In 1974, Jim Boren was muttering there a have to be some changes. Changes weren t changes against everything he James Harlan Boren stood for and did t he. After All represent the real government in Washington a the people who did or did t make things happen a a very Good question a Boren allowed he eyed his visitor lifted his brow pursed his lips and slowly straightened a paper clip he rolled his gaze to the ceiling and stroked one Chin with his thumb the other with his Index Finger. Ceremoniously he lit his twisted Cigar then he grinned thru med the desktop with the fingers of his left hand and doodled on the Back of an envelope with his right. Softly he clucked his Tongue As an added first syllable a a Cluck very Good perfect form. But then Jim Boren gets a lot of practice he is president of the National association of professional bureaucrats. An organization that spoofs bureaucrats a in a City that has More bureaucrats per Square mile than workable solutions to the nations problems. Boren is a rotund. 43-Vear-old International business consultant with two degrees in economics and a doctorate in the history and philosophy of education. He came to Washington from Oklahoma 16 years ago and spent 13 years in government a first As administrative assistant to former democratic sen. Ralph Yarborough of Texas then As a Deputy Mission director and special assistant in the state departments Agency for International development. Then he started getting frustrated. He organized the National association of professional bureaucrats Nata probe mischievous group that attacks the bureaucratic Way the government operates by lampooning it mercilessly. Boren finally quit the government and opened his own consulting office and Nata probe started growing. From a handful its membership has increased in five years to 500 Brave souls. All Are devoted to professional bureaucracy. Boren Calls it the world s second oldest profession. Nata probe pencils have erasers at both ends. Its motto is i when in charge Ponder 2 when in trouble Delegate 3> when in doubt mumble. The organization runs on buc slips. It is devoted to constructive decision avoidance by keeping things from happening Boren says bureaucrats prevent mistakes from being made. A the professional bureaucrat can revitalize ideas with deft thrusts of Yesbit isms and forthright avoid isms a a Boren says in a w Hen in doubt mumble a his bureaucrats handbook Quot constructive interface avoidance and steadfast decision postponement Are the finest products of the bureaucrat s Art. The professional bureaucrat is. Above All things a person dedicated to the optimization of the status what was All this then about changes that had to be made clearly 1973 had thrown Nata probe into a crisis. Decisions were being made. Most immediately in the year ahead. Boren said. Professional bureaucrats would have to confront the Energy shortage. Nata probe would promote the Boren plan. Since heat generating activities would have to be kept to a minimum during the summer to conserve Energy for air conditioning the Boren plan would encourage desk sleeping. As Long As a bureaucrat sleeps at his desk Boren says he radiates Only 400 British Thermal units it bus of heat per hour. The Boren plan also would permit intermittent Finger-tapping�?425 bus an hour. And intermittent mumbling-450 bus. Boren distinguishes Between two types of mumbling linear and vertical. Both would be permitted linear mumbling is the Way most people mumble a on the subways in new York in their cars during traffic jams at their children in times of intense pique. It is not distinguishable in word forms. Rather it is characterized More by tones a Quot the translation of tonal Boren Calls it. The tones can reflect anger frustration or. In the Case of the professional bureaucrat. Bold irresolution interpretative flexibility and nonresponsive profundity. Vertical mumbling is the higher mum Listic Art. It involves words. Even bureaucrats must practice it regularly to do it Well. Boren recommends the use of Buzz words a which sound important but tend to be almost completely opaque in his Book he lists Buzz words in interchangeable sets of three convenient columns. Each set is lettered a o. Of too. I ii Iii each word is numbered a from one through nine. All a beginning bureaucrat has to do is think of a three digit number and insert it by sets into what he is trying to say. For instance a a the 0-979 at which the 00-979 can effect an Overall 000-979 depends in j part on the 1-979 of the 11-979.&Quot j substituting the Buzz words for j their numbers yields Quot the u n i q u e enrichment rate at which the Quan Titi Zed residual subsidiary can effect an Overall unitized executive balance depends in part on the maximized professional integrity of the encumbered technological Quot did i make myself Quot Boren asks Quot perfectly Clear Quot also permitted during the summer would be prodigious pondering Orbital delegating non problem telephoning and cautious paper shuffling. Occasionally. Bureaucrats would be permitted to extend their intermittent fingertip pm into periods of Marathon fingertip pm. But that must be done cautiously Boren says because it gives off 475 bus. There is some danger too in prodigious pondering. It requires body even t h e slightest bureaucratic movement gives off heat. But Boren says a the danger is slight. A the bureaucrat May Furrow his brow while gazing intently at some imaginary heavenly body in a far Corner of the room Quot Boren says. Quot he May slowly pucker his lips or count the number of his molars with his Tongue or he May thoughtfully stroke his Chin while reclining in his that creates time lag Quot creative Boren Calls it. Twiddling too. Would be permitted As a form of Orbital delegating. says Boren Quot is a Short radius refer sunday Buffet adults $2.95. Children $1.75 11 30 a m. To 2 30 . T Libra eau restaurant featuring roast beef round Chicken and dumplings barbecued pork chops Fried assorted seafood hot vegetables salads and desserts re daily luncheon Buffet i i 30 am. To 2 00 pm i a monday thru Friday Holiday inn four seasons 1-40 at High Point Road Greensboro John Fowler operations mgr. Phone 292-9161 f 12-30-3 ral a As opposed to Long radius Orbital and it does no to generate As much heat. It can be just a putt Ristic. Boren says and just As productive of procrastination. Quot there can be Beauty in creative during the Winter months on the other hand the Boren plan Calls for marked increases in bureaucratic activity. In order to supplement heating bureaucrats Are encouraged to participate in Marathon mumbling a which generates 500 bus. They Are asked to increase their Hall walking a 550 bus. And their Secretary chasing a 600 bus. Even More heat is generated by taxpayer chasing because taxpayers seem to run faster than secretaries and the taxpayers Are sometimes angry. But the greatest heat yield comes from bureaucratic jogging in place to the water cooler to the rest room to the Coffee shop to the bus Stop. That generates 625 bus and Boren highly recommends it. Quot if the 2,739,259 civilian bureaucrats in the executive Branch were to reduce their activities in the warm months and increase their activities in the cold Boren says Quot a saving of 1,366,000.000.000 bus or approximately 1.4 billion cubic feet of Gas could be made. Bureaucratic gassing can save Gas. Quot now if you were to orchestrate multiple stoically the Mili Tarvas Well and the legislative Branch and the courts and the state governments and local and municipal governments and the corporate bureaucracy and the academic bureaucracy they Are some of the Best thrum mers we have in the business and the religious bureaucracies they do quite Well in their Orbital Dialo Guin Why the bureaucracies of the world could save billions. Quot then if you made the offices of bureaucrats harder for taxpayers to find you a have More taxpayers wandering around the Halls As Well. That happens All the time. And since the underwriters laboratories say candles just won t work As a replacement for the incandescent and fluorescent lighting in Washington maybe we could use alcohol lamps. I feel that maybe if some of the bureaucrats blew their breath into them it might Power them and that could be a Heck of a saving particularly toward the end of the Day As More bureaucrats become More lit. Quot finally if the Energy crisis creates an unemployment problem the unemployed of the nation could be put to work on committees studying the unemployment Jim Boren is devoted to decision avoidance Sears l White Sale save now on bed linens from Sears fashion Sheet showcase. Values like you be never seen before now you can have your sheets in Bright Beautiful Perma Prest fabrics. And skip the ironing and the High prices too polyester and Cotton blends go from Washer to Tumble dryer and Back to bed again without ironing. 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U.88 use one of Sears convenient credit plans shop at Sears and save satisfaction guaranteed or your Money Back Sears Igi s. Vav min St. High Point in. C. Sears. Roebuck and co. Retail 885-4051 Catalon 885-4181 shop thursday and Friday til 9

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