European Stars And Stripes Newspaper Archives Dec 26 1999, Page 37

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European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 26, 1999, Darmstadt, Hesse A weekly publication of the stars and stripes newspapers on the cover Edwin e. A a Buzz Amrin or. Poses beside the . Flag on the Moon during the Apollo 11 Mission on july 20, 1969. Aldrin and fellow astronaut Neil Armstrong were the first men to walk on the lunar surface. The United states had beaten the soviet Union in the race for Moon exploration. Photo by Neh Armstrong Nasa. Distributed by the associated inside the Century 3-4 the last 100 years brought Many advances but it also was a bloody Century. At least 180 million people perished in wars or human engineered tragedies. The decade 4-7 Over the last 10 years computer technology has advanced by leaps and Bounds. Year by year wrap up looks at the events that made the news. The military in 1999 8-10 the past year gave the . Services no time to recover from the draw Down. The next millennium 10 poll shows what adults in the United states think will happen in the next 1,000 years. Be our guest 12 maj. Tom Budzyna explains Why he appreciates his military benefits. Books 13 a Century of country traces roots of today a country music to vaudeville and wild West staff sunday editor Kathy Zachmeier. features editor Brian Bowers t5owersb@stripes.osd.Mil in the Pacific Kendra Helmer. in Europe John Taylor. have a question or comment about something you be seen in stripes sunday write us at from the Pacific from Europe stars and stripes stars and stripes. Attn editorial attn editorial unit 45002 unit 29480 Apo a 96337-5002 Apoate 09211 .v.v.v.,.sv,.w.vswmv.v.s%v,,vw.swsv.v.msvwas,,wv.w.w.vasmw%%vwvmvs,.ss%v.nw.v do you want to advertise in stripes sunday in the United states Call 202 761-0910 or fax 202 761-0890 or email ,Mil in Europe Call 06155-601-252 or fax 06155-601-376 or email in the Pacific Call 03-3404-9447 or fax 03-3423-8257 or email Wells @ slices for y2k, Stock up on food that wont fight Back Dave if you be been worrying about this y2k computer problem you can relax. I am pleased to report that according to computer experts everything is totally under control. There is absolutely nothing to worry about. In fact you might As Well Stop Reading this article right now i said there is nothing to worry about and you should Stop Reading this column right now. Of Good. We have gotten rid of the idiots who still actually believe the news Media. We Are Down to the savvy individuals like you a people who know from personal experience that nothing involving computers is Ever a under in a now talking to people who have attempted to perform some seemingly simple computer related task such As connecting a up Puter to a Printer and eventually decided a after weeks of puzzling Over manuals written in the wok language and trying to communicate with a technical support a that the Only workable printing solution is to hold a piece of Blank paper in front of the computer screen and Trace the words manually. Of yes this y2k thing is going to be very very bad. At exactly Midnight on dec. 31, All the computers in the world and an estimated 80 percent of the etch a sketches will malfunction. In one Way this is Good your permanent record from school will be erased forever which Means future generations will never find out that you once mooned a thanksgiving Assembly. But everything else about y2k will be catastrophic lights will go out phones will Stop working the banking system will collapse Juke boxes will i refuse to play anything except Copacabana Var machines will suddenly Start displacing the Correct time and a this is the ultimate Nightmare scenario a airline computers will charge people who Are on the same flight the exact same fare. Within hours civilization will collapse. And believe me the com Barry Puter experts know this is i going to happen. Why do you think Bill Gates built himself a House the size of the Houston Astrodome to hold parties for his friends what friends he a storing canned food in there unfortunately for him the y2k problem is also going to cause All the can openers in the world both electric and manual to become inoperable. But done to worry about Bill Gates he employs Many skilled highly intelligent engineers. So he can eat them. You Are not so fortunate. You must find a Way right now to feed your family when y2k strikes. You will not be Able to grow crops because photosynthesis will no longer work Many areas will also be without Gravity. You might want to consider getting a cow and some pigs. That Way when everybody else is starving you can go a Cha has because you la know that any time you get hungry All you have to do is grab a Sledge Hammer and mosey out to your Yard and there will be your cow looking at you with big Brown eyes that say a Chi your kids Call me Daisy you could no More kill me than you could mate with a squid a and then you will mosey Back into your House because the pigs Are chewing on your sneakers. So forget livestock. You need to get a Large Supply of food that cannot look you in the Eye and you need to store it in a Safe manner. What do i mean by a in a Safe manner i mean a not in the manner that was described in a news article on the front Page of the april 4,1999, Issue of the Northwest Arkansas this article which was written by Sarah Fisher and sent to me by Alert Reader Missy Leflar is headlined a Beans Rice explode at Fayetteville the article concerns a Man apparently preparing for y2k, who filled some six foot pipes with a a mixture of Beans and Rice with dry he planned to Bury the pipes but before he could pressure from the dry ice caused one pipe to explode in a blast that blew a Hole in his roof spewing Beans and Rice All Over. The police had to evacuate the area and bring in a bomb technician to detonate the other pipes. I done to want to alarm you but there is no Way of knowing How Many other people have unwittingly created y2k food bombs. You could be living next door to such a bomb. And it might not be As benign As Rice and Beans. What if your neighbor happens to like seafood How would you like to be awakened one night by a violent explosion then watch As your House and loved ones Are Tom to ribbons by Large Sharp pieces of High velocity shrapnel from an alaskan King crab a crab shrapnel be a Good name for a Rock band you had better come up with some. Answers to these questions because time is running out. Y2k is right around the Comer and you need to be prepared no matter what it takes or How much it costs. Ill sell you my cow. Write to Barry co the Miami Herald one Herald Plaza Miami Al 33132, or Check out his web site at by Roy Rivenburg los Angeles time going postal when packages for reporters ave at the los Angeles times Security guards usually a Ray them the packages not the reporter presumably to Check for bombs but also to intercept Cool product samples for top editors. The Only reason we know this is because every parcel received by our colleagues carries a stamped message a material has been off Kil terms mail on the other hand is never screened. We re not sure if management is trying to Tell us something but its always an adventure when we make the interns open our mail. Usually everything turns out Fine. Here a a recent sampling dedicated to the memory of interns Phil Sally Jesse and Raphael. Sorry Guys. A regarding our phobia of Barry Manilow the Man who writes the songs that make the whole world scream Donna Gosselin of Michigan asked a Why done to you open up your Small Little mind and Check out some of his music a us Isnit that the same. Line that satan used on lots wife right before she turned into a pillar of Salt a in response to our report on a bizarre Campaign to eliminate the word a a the from English language a As exemplified by Staples Center the Arena whose owners believe that using the word in their buildings name could Jinx the clippers a we got several letters. Jonathan Dowling theorized that the anti a a the Effort is a communist plot. As proof he cited the Ukraine a decision to change its official name to just and Jeff Bara pointed out that Many Rock groups which Are probably infiltrated by commies a such As eurythmics talking Heads and Edie Brickell and new bohemians a also insist on no a a the in their names. The Only Bright spot is a band called the the. But they they broke broke up. A we re also still getting mail about an August column on sabotaging the new Oxford English dictionary As you May recall the dictionary a editors Are worried about overlooking some of the Slang and technical words that have Arisen since their last edition. So they created an internet site , him where people can submit words. The catch is you must prove the word has appeared in print. Our Mission is to sneak a made up word into the dictionary such As braille gating which Means to drive so closely behind someone that you can touch their bumper ibo Gussil Lead a plastic bougainvillea or maybe even so we asked readers to invent words that we could use in a column thus qualifying them for submission to Oxford. Numerous ideas came in including some from Whittier College English professor Joe Price who turned our prank into a class assignment. Among the nominees Amy fauchere so pre Cristina Tiona getting work done ahead of Tim and r. Rozenek so Grid lost a traffic Jam that clears up for no apparent reason. Another Reader forwarded some fake words from a Washington Post contest. Our favourites were a Are Intima Tiona coming Back to life As a hillbilly and a Giraffi tip vandalism Spray painted very High headline of the week Best supermarket tabloid headline a How to be a better husband a by acting like a Caveman a weekly world news step 1 be the Boss of your Cave. In prehistoric times there was no a a voting about who would go out and Hunt for mammoths that Day. Step 2 done to say much. Cavemen rarely spoke and certainly did no Tyack endlessly about relationship junk. Try to limit your speech to simple commands such As a Cook food or a go to unpaid informant Rachel Williams. Off Kilter be mail address is . Com

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