Cedar Rapids Gazette (Newspaper) - April 29, 1974, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
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Former Commerce Secretary Maurice Stans and former Atty. Gen. John Mitchell faced newsmen outside federal court in New York Sunday after they were acquitted of criminal conspiracy, obstruction of justice and perjury charges.
— AP Wirephoto
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Gazette photo by John Mc Ivor
William Hoff, IK, son of Mr and Mrs David Hoff, Urbana, reached for the last bag of trash Saturday to be* loaded into a National Guard truck for disposal. Over 44).(MMI pounds of trash were picked up by over 8JMMI Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts in the area in observance of “Keep America Beautiful” day. proclaimed by the President
Tuck Henderson. 13. Nashville, sailed over a car and a pickup truck on his way to setting the apparent world record for bicycle jumping Henderson flew through the air 25 feet Saturday.
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Ends In Violence
The first annual cherry blossom music festival in Richmond, Va , was cut short over the weekend when violence broke out. The outdoor concert, scheduled to last for two days at City Stadium, was endc*d Saturday evening after some 150 persons were arrested, municipal police cars were overturned
and burned and youthful music fans scuffled with police. At left, an angered nick fan tried to make a trampoline out of a city detective’s car while being cheered on by another youth. The violence was triggered by a drug arrest by city police. At right, a fan gets arrested by a city detective.H ires Miss Their MatesBecause They Have One To Compla
By Art Buchu ald
WASHINGTON—A group of men were having lunch at a well-known restaurant in Washington the other day Although they were in various professions, they all had one thing in common. They were away from home a great deal and their wives had said they were getting fed up with it
Amazingly enough it turned out that their wives, who did not even know each other, used tilt* identical phrases when complaining about their lot
Those included: “All I’m doing is running a hotel “The only time I sh- you is when you come home to get clean laundry.”
“You weren’t even here for your own daughter's birthday party.”
“What the heck is so important in---
city where you’re going.)
It was at this juncture* that Polyester, who works for a computer firm, sprung his plan.
At this very moment there is a man in Boston coming to Washington, D C., and he ^ goes to his computer and asks for an address I here. Begets mine. Right?
“Okay. I get to Boston and I check into my hotel. Now remember, the success of this scheme is no hanky-panky.
“Let’s say my surrogate wife is Mrs,
Dacron. I call her and ask where when dinner is being serves! I show up at the* house at K p rn. and before I even get to hang my coat in the closet. Mrs Bac roil fills me in on the* day. She tells nu* how lousy the kids have be en behaving, what went wrong with the garbage disposal unit, how much she- paid for e*ggs and how she can’t manage a family on my salary I ge*t an earful
“At this very moment the man from Boston is at my house listening to my wife* doing two hours on what it s like to run a house* when the* man doesn't even know where* the fuse* Im ex i-' “Our wivers’ main complaint,” he said, “is that they have no one to talk to, which translate*s no erne to bitch to. The reason we’re missed is that the*y want someone to listen to their stories and give the*m moral support."
We* all agrees! Polyester’s description of e»ur wives was accurate.
“Suppose*,” he said excitedly, “we had a computer that could match up complaining wives with othe*r husbands who were* on the road?”
We all looke*d goggle-eyed
“Are* you suggesting wife-swapping?” Aer dan asked, ^omeene To Talk lo
“In a sense,” said Polyester, “but no hanky-panky in the bedroom. You swap wives just so they have someone to talk to. Let me give you an illustration. I’m on my way lur Boston and I fe*e*d the computer at National Airport the* arrival of my flight am! how long ITI be* there*. I also tell the* computer how many children I have, my position in the firm and salary.
“The* objex-t of the* computer would be* to match me as closely as possible to my own situation at home. The computer gives me an address and phone* number.
“Mrs. Dacron is thrille*d to have someone* there to let out her frustrations on, and my wife finally has someone beside*s the kids to talk til. ”
“But what happens after dinne r?” someone asked.
Polyester replied “I go into the* living room and watch television while Mrs. Dacron does the dishc*s.”
“Don’t you help her with the dishes?”
“No. It would ruin it for Dacron if I did something he* didn’t do. Then after watching TV I go to my hotel. Dacron, who presumably let my wife* do the* dishes while* he read the* evening paper, also goe*s back to his place.”
The trouble with Polyester’s plan, when we all discussed it later, is that not one of us could find a single thing wrong with it.
Copyright 1974, Los Angrier Times