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Brandon Sun Newspaper Archives

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Brandon Sun (Newspaper) - June 29, 2002, Brandon, Manitoba AS JUNE 2002 THATS LIFE Radishbrained sporebased lawyers The topic of this column is a recent Washington Post story stating that manufacturers of want to know why Americans dont read their owners WARNING THIS COLUMN IS INTENDED FOR READING PUR POSES DO NOT USE THIS COLUMN AS A One big reason why consumers dont read manuals is that the typical manual starts out with 15 to 25 pages informing you of numerous highly unlikely ways in which you could use the product to injure or kill WARNING DO NOT READ THIS COLUMN WHILE WATER DO NOT SET FIRE TO THIS COLUMN IN A ROOM FILLED WITH The typical consumers reaction to warnings is What kind of moron would do THAT The correct answer to this question is A wealthy Because the reason these warnings exist is that some some con sumer with the IQ of a radish actual ly DID one of these bizarre and got a and and a jury made up of people whose under standing of economics is based entire ly on grocery coupons what the million sounds about but lets not tell the judge right away because first we should order a So every year there are more huge productliability and every year manufacturers have to put more warnings in the owners and every year the radishbrains come up with moreinnovative ways to injure There will come a day when every product you buy will come with an actual living lawyer inside the sealed in plastic as soon as you break the the lawyer will emerge and start preparing your productliability This system is feasible because productliability lawyers are sporebased organisms who can survive for years without Another reason why consumers dont read manuals is that products today have TOO MANY FEA I I Ive com plained about this So sue We and when I say I am DMt BARKY OFFBEAT speaking for every human being in the world do not want a lot of In for most we really want only two features the on fea and the off An example of a feature that we do not want is picture in This feature allows you to watch one channel on most of your TV while another channel appears in a lit tle box in the The salesman always makes a big deal out of pic ture in and the manual always devotes pages to how you use Except you dont use I have never seen any actual human con sumer use the picture in picture fea because a nobody remembers how it works b its annoying to have two pictures on the screen and c its hard enough to find ONE thing on TV you want to The third reason why consumers dont read manuals is that many con sumers are and we men would no more read a manual than we would ask because this would be an admission that the per son who wrote the manual has a big a bigger grasp of technolo gy than we We men would rather hook up our new DVD player in such a way that it ignites the DVDs and shoots them across the room like small flaming UFOs than admit that the manualwriter possesses a more manly technological manhood than we And then there are some people who simply do not NEED I refer here to my like many young can immediately grasp how to operate any technological no matter how Give my son 15 minutes in the space shut and he will figure out not only how to launch it into but also how to make it play really hideous hiphop music loud enough to shat ter passing And please do not tell me that sound does not travel through Hiphop music trav els through So what does all this mean It means that if manufacturers want us to read their they need to take a few commonsense steps 1 Deport all the productliabil ity lawyers to Iraq 2 Get rid of pic ture in 3 Include nothing in the manual except mini mal printed on pho tographs of tennis star Anna Kournikova These steps will greatly improve consumer and reduce unfortunate You may now place this column over the NOTE TO MANUFACTUR ERS Make sure it really IS Anna or you will be Dave Barry is a humour columnist for the Miami Write to him do Tlie Miami One Herald Miami FL TODAY IN MUSIC HISTORY In Canadian Alanis Morrissette joined rock legends Eric Ron Bob Dylan and The Who to perform for people at Londons Hyde The allday eyent raised about million for Prince Charles Princes Trust Morrissette performed eight songs from h r megahit Jagged Little 1 lie Who gave what was billed as the five debut of their 1973 Quadrophenia During a lead singer Bfrger Daltrey suffered a fractured eye socket when he was accidentally struck bt a microphone wielded by fellow singer Gary r In singer Nelson MJhose duets with Jeanette MacDonald great favourites in the 1930s and was born in Rhode Eddy and MacDonald starred in i film musicals as Naughty Marie and Their 1936 recording of Indian Love Call from Rose Marie was the first show tune to sell a million Nelson Eddy died on March In the first musical record ing in Great Britain was made at the Crystal Palace in London on the occa sion of the Handel The record ing was made using Thomas Edisons cylinder In Polish pianist Ignace Jan Paderewsld died in wartime exile in New York at His brilliant playing made him the worlds most popular pianist since Franz Liszt in the mid19th President Franklin Roosevelt vowed Paderewskis remains would be returned to his homeland when Poland is They were shipped home in three years after Communist rule ended in In singer Little whose full name is Eva Narcissus was born in She was the babysitter for songwriters Carole King and Gerry Goffin when she recorded their The In Bill Haleys Rock Around the Clock reached 1 on the staying in the top spot for seven Haleys recording sold only mod erately well when it was first released in the spring of But when it was included in the soundtrack of Blackboard a film about juvenile demand By world sales were estimated at 16 Nice selection of Mother of th Bride or Groom gowns Fosters Bridal 2nd Level 260lOth Street 7265713 5 In vocalist Ian Gillan and bass guitarist Roger Glover played their last concert with Deep Gillan left the band for a solo career while Glover opted for session and production Their replacements with Deep Purple were David Coverdale and Glenn A little of what you fancy does you anonymous BRANDONS NEWEST NONPROFIT LIFE LEASE COMMUNITY Spacious 1 2 bedroom units 8OO 1 Choose from 5 suite layouts Large multipurpose room Idea North Mill location surrounded by green walking panoramic views i i FOR MORE PLEASE CALL Brad Munn 725BB35 or Brad Hardy 72SB841 or Gonoral Office 1 27762O6 by Rotary Club of Brandon Mattice Turko Glen and Susan Mattice of Brandon and Walter and Florence Turko of wish to announce the engagement and marriage of their Deborah Dawn and Richard Alan on July Hazel and Wes Rose 1952July 22002 Congratulations on your 50th Anniversary Mom and Dad with lots of love from your family Congratulations SARAH on graduating from Grade 12 Brian Wood Congratulations on your gradua tion from the Graphic Design Program Red River June We are so very proud of you Mom and Brad From just east of 18th St Park Avenue shop cafe SERVED FROM 10AM 2PM Adults Seniors YOUR CHILDREN WILL ENJOY OUR SPECIAL Kids BRUNCH JULY CLASS CALENDAR PRCRIOISTRATION REQUIRED 3 and under Free 4 7 vears 8 12 years Template Tricks Paper Making Ute Night Crop Beginner Mom Me 3D Embellishments Ute Night Crop July 4 July 11 July 13 July July 20 July 23 July 26 July 30 Offer vsdid for Brunches only Barnes Girouard Gerald and Ann Barnes of MB along with Michel Girouard and Daniele Gagn6 of QC are pleased to announce the engagement and forthcom ing marriage of their Shannon Barnes and Hugo They will be wed July at in the afternoon at First Baptist Tucker Nahachewsky Holly and Larry Nahachewsky are pleased to announce the marriage of their Timothy Douglas to Lynn Catherine daughter of Gwen and Wayne The wedding will take place on July 2002 in 3 Generations of Insurance Brokers Jack Spalding Kathleen Spalciing Tom Turpin Congratulations Kathleen on receiving your CAIB with love from your family ;