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New York Tribune Newspaper Archive: May 11, 1870 - Page 1

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   New-York Tribune (Newspaper) - May 11, 1870, New York, New York                               SHEET. PRICE FOUR CENTS. TBTJTH AT LAST. JQJS. RICHARDSOIPS STATEMENT. FCli STOBT OT HER HARRIED TO BICHAKDSON FROM KTRST TO RICHARDSON'S SEAXED STATP- _ -r -C.-DT ___._____ A1N1) AFFEDATTT OP KRR A. D EICHAJRDSON. I feel that I cannot break the sijenoe which here- tofore I lave rigidly maintained -withont saying a word as to the cause whi eh leads me to make a public statement. I fully believe that any one of any de- gree of pnde or delicacy will bear reproach and con- jojEfjy and even the vilest slanders in silence rather ilan drag out to public comment the most sacred details of his inner life, and that only the meanest jool will babble of that which concerns itself most deeply- But during tho last six months, and not a little during tho last three years, I have been exposed io snch a storm of public opinion that all others I ever knew sink into insignificance beside it. And now, after I have "waited in patience the'verdict of newspapers, of the public, and of a New-York. Court and Jury, I have decided that I -will 8pea3tthe first, and last word I shall over speak for myselfT Js'ot for any attempt at my own vindication do I Trriie tliis explanation. But for the sake of the noblo men and women who havo stood by me through all reviiings, often without any explanation from me, and always in tho full faith that I was most cruelly their sates, and for his who lost hia life in my behalf, I wish to tell, tho -whole story of my life, "When I was once advised to do so and hes- itated, a good woman said to me, Do not be afraid to tell your story once to all tho world. Tell it onco eiKtly as you would tell it to your Maker, and thon keep silence forever after." And this ia what I mean to do; to Tvrite as exactly can the whole and simple truth to tho minutest detail, reserving nothing and oxtennating nothing. In this, I neither ask nor expect sympathy or justice from tho press or public. I do not hope to convince any who are not already convinced vhat I iave been most ungenerously traduced. Once I eaouU havo believed of tho public press of America that it would bo only necessary for it to know tho truth to sneak it, especially -where a woman was in- volved. Xow, bitter experience haa taught me {hat political prejudice, personal malice, and private ven- geance, are motives before which chivalry and. pity and generosity, or a desire to be true, go to the wall. So it is to my friends I write this. To but very few of them have I ever told my story. To a vury sacred few have my lips been unsealed. And to tho host of generous men .and -women, known ondun- tiiown, who have upborne me when the "way was verj- dark and hard for a woman's feet to trend-- above ail to the women, brave and noble beyond ex- preifioa, whose sympathy has forever refuted tho slander that women are not generous to one of thoir own them, I lay bare my heart. Of all my wornm friends from earliest girlhood, I know of not one who has fallen off from me in my great trouble. Not a single one. If it had not been for their un- swerving trust and love and sympathy; for the readiness they have shown to help me bear up my heavy burdens; for the bravery with which they have defended mo where it was a reproach to do if it not been for them, I beliove I should have been utterly crushed. I have accepted their loving sympathy as the ono compensation for all tho un- speakable misery of my lot. Having said thus much, ivhich. -.vas in my heart and could not be kept back, 1 begin my story. I married Daniel McFarland in 1S57. 1 was a girl of 19, born in Massachusetts, and educated in 3STew- Kngland schools. I had been a teacher, and was jnst beginning to write a little for tho press. Daniel McFarlaud was an Irishman of 37 or S8, who had received a partial course at Dartmouth College, and had, seven years before I know him, been admitted to the Massachusetts bar. "When I married biTn, he represented himself to be a member of tho bar in Madison, Wisconsin, with a flourishing law practice, brilliant political prospects, and possessed of prop- erty to the amount of to He also professed to be a num of temperate habits, of the poxest morals, and, previous to my marriage, ap- peared neither intemperate, nor brutal, nor profano. Immediately after our jnarriago wo made some- visits and then -went to Madison, as I supposed, .to reside permanently. Iremsmherwe were detained in Now-York during our very bridal tour whilo ho borrowed tho money to get back to the West. After we had been in Madison a few weeks Mr. McForhvad informed mo that he was going to remove to New- York, that all his property consisted of Wisconsin Slate lands to the amount of a good many thousand acres, on which only a small amount per aero was Hid. He told me that there were largo opportuni- ties for trading theso lauds in New-York City, and tbat ho was going to reside there -while ho disposed of them for real estate or personal property. Ho told me at tho same time that he had no money except jast sufficient to pay our fares to tho East, and that he had never had any law practice of consequence, having devoted himself solely to land speculations in the West. We came to New-York, consequently, in February, 18SS. I was token ill on the way with a violent cold and fever, and we were detained in Eochestor ton days. On leaving Rochester he had to leave his watch and chain in pawn with the hotel-keeper for onr board bill. In New-York City ho kept mo three or four weeks, and then taking all the jewelry Ihad to the pawnbroker's, to pay the hoard bill, he sent me home to my father's in New-Hampshire. I simply tell theso things to give some idea of how they must have effected a young girl fresh from a comfortable Kew-Englandconn try home, to whom a pawnbroker's shop was almost an unheard-of institutionr and not to convey tho idea that it was hia poverty which shocked or estranged me. I went home then in less than three months after marriage. He gave me no directions where to write him, and for fourteen days I never heard from him. Nearly beside myself from anxiety, I went to New- Haven, aud from thence telegraphed to a friend of his in New-York for news of bim. He appeared in two or three days in answer to the telegram. Then, for the first timo, I had a vague suspicion that he might he intemperate. But I knew nothing about intemperance. I had never in all my life seen a man d-roni, except some accidental drunkard in the street, and I tried to dismiss the suspicion. In a "week or two I again went back to my father's, and remained through tho Summer of 1S5S. During this time he camo once or twice to visit me, and seemed to be attached to me. But during the short -time I lived with him, I discovered that he was not tanperato (although I had not then seen Mm grossly that he -was terribly profane in my Presence, and that his temper -was very fitful and passionate, and that for some slight or fancied causes he would become speat- to me for a day or two. I did not leave my father's rooi in the Pall of 1S5S-srithont many mis- givings bnt I was very young and very cheerful in and hoped for the test. On returning to New-York Mr. MoFarland hired a wttags in Brooklyn, and furnished two or three For a few weeks I kept a servant, bnt other- wise 1 lived an alone, almost without acquaintances, and. entirely at this man's mercy. Some of the time "half of the vras good to me, and Professed for me the most extravagant and passion- ate devotion. But he here first began to come home iaioxicated. He would also come home sober, bring- ing with him bottles called Schiedam containing a quart or BO of vilo liquor, and wonld put them by his bedside, and drink sometimes yie "ffholo before morning. Whoa I, the matrnee grossly intoxicated; made lovelier and early m the. Spring I went home again. My baby died at my father's, and was TnnSuU family burial-place, my father bearing the funeral expenses. In July of '59 1 returned agL to Sot Farland. I remained with him this time about three hr, 1- able to be brutality and violence of Mr. McFarland's temper. I will not enter into tho details of Ms treatment of me during these three months; but it was so bad that I -went back to my father's in October, 1850, and re- mamed almost a year, till August, I860. At this time m October, 1859, when I returned home, if I had had courage to have told my mother and father of mv troubled life, I should probably never have returned to this man. But I could not speak. It was so hard a thing to tell. My ideas of a wife's duty were most conservative. I believed she should suffer almost unto death rather than resist tho laws of marriage. I hud a conscience sensitive to any appeals against itself, and I tried hard to love ray husband and eou- vicco myself I was in the wrong. Besides, I was ex- pecting, in a few months, tho birth of another child. Ixo one shall say I mean this narrative as an appeal to sympathy, but those who believe in.iny truth must see my case, was hard, and realizo somewhat the suffering I endured. In April, 1800, my second child, Percy, was born. home during these ten months Jlr. McFar- land had represented to mo that he was doing ex- ceedingly well in business, and had made largo trades for real estate to the amount of many thou- sand dollars. Ouo of theso pieces of property was in Groonwieh-st., and was mortgaged to Trinity Church for and afterward sold to recover judgment against him for Tho other property was in East Fourtoonth-st., near the river, a block of tene- ment houses, which I am inclined to believe were mortgaged pretty nearly up to their wholo valus. At all events, I lived at my father's during -fliis year, which ho describes as the year of his and did not share in it. Part of this time, for the first and only timo in my married lif o, I paid a very small sum for my board, which was all I over paid in my long and repeated visits to my father's house. I mention tliis bncauso Mr. McFarlaud claims to have supported me while at my home. Two of my chil- dren were born at homo, and tho expenses camo principally on my father, although at the birth of my youngest child I paid my physician's bill myself with tho results of a public reading which I gave for that purpose. In 1800, afterlretnrnedtoMr. McFarland asuitwtis brought against him by somo one in "Wisconsin for some money which was, as I believe, the borrowed capital with which bis "Western lands Bad been pur- chased. This suit was decided against him by Judge Leonard of Now- York city. "Whilo it was pending Mr. McFarland ordered me to pack up my trunks and bo ready to leave the city, us ho might at any time be arrested and prevented from leaving tho State. So again in December, 1800, I was sent back to my father's with my baby now sis months old. Mr. McFarland soon followed ino there and ho stayed till February when ho told mo again to got ready and go away with him. Ho had at this timo which was tho largest amount of money I ever know him to hayo at any time, and which ho said he had got from tho sale of a piece of property, put out of his hands at-tho time judgment was obtained against him. "With tliis ho started with myself and Percy for Phil- adelphia, where he left .mo saying ho was going on to Washington to seek office under Lincoln's incom- ing administration. In a few weeks he returned and told mo he was going "West again, as ho was disap- pointed in his political expectation. So we went West in the Spring of 1S01 just as the Southern guns were opened on Fort Sumter. "We went back to Madison whore wo had lived previously, took a small houso and went to housekeeping. Wo lived hero a year and two months, and this waa tho happiest timo of my life with him. although I did my own house- work most of the time and took caro of my baby. But I was so thoroughly weary of the terrible va-ga- bondish life I had always lived with this man, that under almost any condition a homo I could call mine seemed delightful to me. Mr. McFarland never did any work while in Madison, or earned any money. I lived with extreme economy and he had or S900 left when ho reached Madison, which with the addition of or more, which he received from tho sale of a tract of land which he owned somewhere, bought tho furniture for our little house and supported ns for tho 14 months wo lived there. At the expiration of this timo Mr. MpFarland bo- can to grow more and more moroso and ill-tempered, and told me finallv he was trotting out of money and had nowavof gettme anv. He endeavored to got a pub- lic office or some kind in Madison but was not support- ed even by those 011 whom he counted as his friends. I had attracted some attention in private circles by my reading and had. given a public reading for the ben- efit of a soldier's hospital. On this Mr. McFarland pro- posed to me that ho should take me to IS ow-Y.ork and have me fitted for the stage in tho profession of an act- ress He also announced that he should hmisoir adopt tho profession .of an actor in case, my success became assured. Ho had been at some time a teacher of .elocu- tion in a military school in Maryland and he began training me in the reading of stage parts. 1861, he sold all our litflo furniture in Madison and brought me East, first going to my fathers, in New-Hampshire, to learo my littJe Percy, iothatl could devote all my tame to stage. He niadeno secret of this to my parents, who 3id not approve of this step on his part, but did not. inter- pose, on the conservative Puritan ground that erven parents have no rbzht to interfere in the of husband and wifeTVe went to ing first on Beaoh-st, and. afterward, wntih Mrs. Oliver, at BS the same vicinity. As soon as we were settled in the first of the plsHxxs, Mr McFarland began drfflingme.for the stage, which, I may say here, was the first and only instructaon: of whatsoever he ever .gave me r and he also sent me to take lessons of Mr.-and Jfrs. Geo. for- the bea not care for an wore the hist jewels I ever_5.. gold ring, which is the wedoi at No. 53 Varick-st. We occupied the only sleeping apartment on the parlor floor, and he could scope to his furies without fear of being I was dl tbo time working hard, to study for tho irblession for which he had designed me, andito HeWghthonTe what to "ou M asmade. He rarelv W ?6Ter have ono master, and obtfged again tkua again to lea-ve T IlOinW? tYi -t-l-in rrtf.f, .L A UlkLLCU. public, my prudence protected ill temper which I feared waa soon coming. He to-rued around and struck me-a blow across my face which made mo reel backward. Although he had ens P1h0 me 80me flts of drnnk- colofblooledabloT 11dt asTanall tnmk an. American woman does not easily f orinve a blow hko that.. At all events I remembS him without raising my voice, J shall never be able to forgive, you.such an and I fhinlr I never could forgive it. From that time I took an entirely flillereiit course with him when in one-of these furies; I had shed a great many tears nndcr his cruelty had toed to reason with. Mm, had tried entreaties and persuasions. After this, wnenover he was in one-of Jus he himself called never moved or spoke, bnt, keeningperfectly self-controDed as j.ar as I could, I sat quiet, always keeping my eye on him because I always fancied as long as I looked steadily at him ho would not do me any mortal vio- lence. And I believe now as I believed then that my life has been saved by tins silence and self-con- trol. lie has sometimes approached me with hia hands extended, the angers bent liko claws, as if he wero about to clutch my throat and cried, "Howl should like to strangle Or your life is bound somo time to end in tragedy." Or "vour blood "mil be on your own and has, as I think, been restrained because I simply looked at him without saying a word. In t.nese furies ho would often seize and break anything which was at glasses, mir- rors, and sometimes the heavier furniture of tho room. Often he would rise- from bed in these incon- trollublo attacks of passion tearing away all the bed- clothing, tearing in shreds his own night-clothing, throwing anything lie could find, which was break- able crashing about the unlightod room, till it-has seemed to me as if there could bo no Pandemonium worse than that in which I lived. And all this be would do without explanation or even a pretext for complaint against mo, and when I .knew no more what excited his fxeuzy than a babe unborn. Ho would, sometimes keep np this conduct and this abuse for hours, without a syllable or a motion being made on my part, and would, thon burst into tears, beg my pardon, say I was tho best woman who ever lived, and then go to sleep exhausted. I never told him after this W inter that I could forgive or could lovo Mm, although he sometimes implored me to do so, because-1 could not say so with truth. Generally I told Mm Ipitied him, -which waa true. Sometimes ho said, Your silence irritates mo more than if you but I was sure my course was the best. At tho time.he struck me this severe blow in 18G2 I told Mrs. John F. Cleveland (a sister of ilr. Greeloy, who had been very kind to mo in my dramatic read- ings} about tho blow and sometMiiir of Mr. McFar- land's conduct to me, I did not tell her all, nor the worst, but I told her howho had struck me, principally because I was engaged to read at the house of some f i-ionds of tier's an evening or two after, and I feared she would notice the mark on my face. She was the only person to whom I over spoke of Mr. McFarland, (otherwise tluin in a manner necoming for a wife to speak of a husband) till tho Winter of 1807. And I devoted nil niy woman's skill and tact iu hiding his conduct from cosualobservtirs at our boarding-houses or elsewhere. In ilio Spring of 1803, Mr. McFarlandgot appointed to a position in the office of ono of tho Provosb- Marshals under the Enrollment act. I wont to see Mr. Greeley in company with his sister, Mrs. Clove- land, and also to see several other persons, te got influenco for Mr. McFarland, In doing so I acted under Mr. McFarland'a orders, and against my own feelings, wMch always revolted at the idea of seek- ing olhco for him, though ho noyer scrupled to use my efforts. As soon as he got this office I ceased my reading in public and my preparations for the stage, and in tho Spring of tor he waa appointed wont homo to my fathers and remained a short time, Thon Mc- Fffirland summoned mo to New-York with Percy, who was ill at the timo and hardly ablo to travel. I ob- jected to leaving homo, wlien. he sent peremptorily, saying ho would burn my father's house over my head1' if I did not come. I arrived in New-York in August, and was there a few weeks when tho physi- cian said Percy would die if he wero not sent bock to the country, and I again returned to my father, and staved till November. In November, came bock to New-York. Wo took room for a few weeks on Varick-st, but soon removed, early in January, to No. 16 liomartine-place, West Twcnty-ninth-st. During tho Winter of 18G2 and 1863 I hod met Mrs. Sinclair ofton at her cousin's, Mrs. Cleveland's, and she had shown me many and great kindnesses. She had given me her parlors for one of my readings and had sold the tickets among my friends. At the timo Mr. McFarland received his appointment in the Provost-Marshal's otlico she used_ hor influence and her husband's influonco to get .him.appointed.. No person living lias a stronger claim on the gratitude of this unhappy man tuan the noble woman whoso charity he has so abused. In this Winter of 1863 and 1S64 while we lived in La-martino-place, we were Mr. Sinclair's neighbors. One night while there Mr. McFarlaud came home so bruised and bleeding from somo street not uncommon occurrence on his I wns obliged to call on Mr. Sinclair for hind in hia room for more than a week, carrying his meals to Iiim myself, that his disgiace might not be seen and cornrnonted on by tho household where we boarded. From the time he got his place in the Enrollment Office in '63, until the Fall of 'G4, Mr. lUcFarland sent me homo throe times, and moved mo to eight ditterent boarding-houses. If, for ono moment, I was peace- ful in tie possession of a shelter, his habits or his dissatisfied temper drove him to change. At last, in tho Fall of 186i, Mr. Sinclair offered free, -his unoccnpied farm-house on the Hudson Elver, and we moved there for the Winter of >64. During thisvear m v vonngest boy Danny had been born on one of my visits tomy father's house, I stayed at Croton, in Sinclair's house, all Winter, and, during Sum- mer in a amall tenement, which we rented there, and which. I-f nrnished very cheaply with borrowed bv Mr. McFarland from my father. Here Mr. Mc- Faxland's conduct was more endurable, for he waa away nearly all day, and the quiet and pleoKmtoees of the country when he camo there, I fancied had a good eflbCT on him. In the Summer of '60, however, fie lost his place under Government, and seemed .to make no further attempt to do anything. He in- formed mo one day that ho was out of a placo, and had no money: "Then I told him I supposed I should have to give public readings As usual, -when I made such suggestions, he swore at ms in his ter- rible- way but made no other answer. J went on ana. .made my arrangements to give dramatic veral before leaving Croton, and fiim. -wi iffave Beveraj. tjuiojco of. the money I had raised, I went tonvy fetter's, had now moved to, Massachusetts, aodfrpm his "house went away to give several ottgr readings, m leaving the children witn motner. this time-IpSd theVbffi the physician who at- at birth, now 18 months old, Which had-beenaE wn. iul "Percy's. Tear of the ..Summer. stablejn _ half, of the time coming home intoxicated, and I had noting but my woman's heart and hands to loot to fortupport.- rgave-an the readings I did an my own housework home, i. took faith- ful care of mv children, but I often sank into such utterTespoudency of heart as only God knows and am pity, when he sees tho poor human soul sinking on'o of these days Mrs. Sinclair came in. I had never said a void, toiler about jay trouMw, she. boot too, delicate to.Tjromeh theWtdecttome. .Trentsway she litUe jnaperinmy jfler she1 liad. gone I found a jyertmormng came from her m- baeiii nxflfcMn comfort and' plenty, anoym my-reins1 ran some oi the proudest blood inMasBachuBettB. t Jounrnpt one of my kin had overtaken alms. 'I hsoV some at the money gent ire -were abso- lutely pmehed' with want at that-moment, but the' nertweek I sold all ora fornrtare, which-was bought: ;wrth mpmey borrowed rfnjy father, and parted-with1 of comfort -which had beensent-tome: Bom my home, and with the proceeds of the sales I wa8abreto'fBend back the money to Mrs. Sinolair, tollins her I could not yet receive' alma from my inends. But her. indefatigable friendship did not cease here; and she sent me back much of it in clothes and other necessaries. Then in April, 1866, she and some other friends arranged a reading at Steinway's Booms, on Tonrteenth-st, of the nroceedB' TH-ere more than VHr. McFarland in his usual violent -way for giving this public. reading at Steinway's. He argued that if I wanted to read I had better goout of town to do so, that it disgraced" "him- as a gentle- man in the eyes of the public for his wife to read in a city where he had acquaintances. He made this an excuse for getting grossly intoxicated on the evening of the reading, and of this collected the wholere- ceiptsof the gave me out of whole amount to pay my fore and tie children's to my father'a in Massachusetts, reserving the rest for his own uses. IT, May, 1866, Mr- McFarlnnd came on to my father's, bringing with, him in money. He had got this money from a wealthy owner of oil lands in Penn- sylvania, residing in New-York City (whose name I do not like to by threatening to expcee bi'-m for some irregularity iu paying his income tar; Air. McFarland told me this man had given him the money if he "would not trouble him further.' He also told me that he had several other men under his thumb in the same way." The manner of ge: this money was inexpressibly shocking to me, and J told him so, and then I told nim that I should try and make arrangements to go on stage in the Jb alL that I could not try another "Winter of public a profession so precarious and so wearing, and advised him, since he had some I thought dishonorably obtaineoV-he should go into business at once before he spent it. He answered in hia usual brutal mannm, and I soidno more about it. It was agreed, 'that I should go to a Frm-ill farm-house in the "White Mountains, where I knew Mra, Oliver Johnson-was going to spend the Summer, and that ho should pay my board was to be very cheap and the children. In June, went from my father's with the child- ren to Shelirarne, N. H., among the mountains. I remained there During tliia Summer he sent me in a check, signed by Mr. Sinclair, and I had on ho had given mo, making in all S210, with which I paid my board and washing bills for myself and the children, during my four months, stay in Shelburne. In Sep- tember, Air. McFarland came up to Shelburnohim- self instead of waiting forme at my father's, as T had propoaed. He had told me little or nothing oj his financial condition or prospects during tho Sum- mer, and I hod written advising him of various plans for earning his living. In the Fall ho told mo that he had got out of money, and was going into some kind of patent gas company, which I did not under- stand fully, and was going to make his fortune. Ho paid my faro to Boston, and then told mo ho was out of money, and asked me to go to H. 0. Houghton Co.'s, whom he knew were going to print my little book that Fall, and see illcould get some money. I did do this, and got while in Boston, whore I stayed nearly a week. Mr. McFarland's niece, a daughter of his brother Owen, had been at the White Mountains with mo, and was wifch .me in. Boston. After getting tbo money from Mr. Houghton, I gave McFarlaud half of it, and with went with Miss Mary McFarland to Newark, whore her father lived. Owen McFarland was worse, if possible, in his fits of intemperance, than his brotherDaniol. I stayed there three weeks in. sceneswhich would baffle description, often iu daily or nightly fear of my lif e from this terrible roadman, all of. whose family held bi-m in most supreme fear. While here, in the Winter of 1SG8, I had met Mra. L. G. Calhoun, and dur- ing this Summer at Shelburne, I had cor- responded with her. I have been most fortunate in my friendships, but I never know. any woman more loyal to ottection, more overflowing with derness, more ready with helpful sympathy thun site. My whole nature, usually reticent, went out to her in. confidence, and friendship, and I had written from the Mountains asking her aid in getting an engage- ment ou tho stage. She had succeeded in arranging an engagement at Winter Gordon, tho theater which Mr. Edwin Booth, controlled, and o place which wo both considered; particularly fortunate for a lady to be connected with, on account of Mr. Booth's posi- tion as a gentleman jin private life, as well as his eminence in his profession. This Fall of 18CO, while at Newark, I saw tho man- ager of Winter Garden, and my engagement was made certain at a salary of per week. I wrote tliis to Mr. MoFarland, who still remained behind in Massachusetts and New-Hampshire, and also wrote him that I could not and should not stay longer at his brother's. Ho come down to New-York shortly after this, borrowing money in small sums of my father to pay his expenses back, and took me from his brothers and to a wretched boarding-house in. Amity-st. near Sixth-ave, Hero he borrowed some money of Mr, Sinclair, and gave me "which is- the last money I ever received from him. This was in October, 1SGG. He left me at this houso, informing mo that he should probably not be back very mncn of tho time during this Winter. Then I was so worn out by the anxieties and {he terriblo weeks I hod spent at Newark that I broke down and was ill at this strange boarding-house, alone with my two babies. While here, Mrs. Cal- houn called and found me in this condition, and, going home, she wrote a note in which told me, in tho most delicate manner, thatwhenevor I wanted money her purse was at my service. The Borne day Mrs. Sinclair called, and, shocked at tho wretched and desolnte condition in which ahesaw me, took me and both my children to her house. As soon as I waa there and had begun to recover, Mr. McFarhmd came back and made his preparations to come-there also, Aa gently aa I could I told him Mr. Sinclair's house was over-full, and if he wore coming back to town I must got a place somewhere for all of ua. It was then about two weeks before my engagement began at Winter Gordon. Mr. McFarland instructed mo that I might get board for myself qjid the chil- dren but only occasional board for himself, as he should be absent about tho gas business most of tho time. I then engaged board in Macdougal-st., in a very respectable house, where I bad a small attic- room for all my family. Aa soon as I got here my health again gave way, and I was ill in bed nearly two weeks. It was only by shoer force of will that I got up from bed and dragged myself to tlie theater to begin my engagement. During; these two weeks' illness, Mrs. Sinclair and Mrs. Calhoun visited and rahustered to me. Both of them sent mo nourishing food from their own tablej by their own servants. They sent me money, and. gave me the loviapest sympathy that woman over gave to woman. I hod already got an engagement to write for The Riverside Magazine, and one day during this illness, when Mrs. Calhoun found me Bitting up in and ex- hausted, finishing a child's story, with my two noisy little children playing at my bedside, -site took it away, and interested the managing editor of The In- dependent in my work, so that he sent mo word ho would take some of my atories for hia paper. As soon as I went on the stage (this waa the 2Sth of November, 1866) I told the woman in whose- houso I had been boarding about three "Keeks, of my" new profession. She immediately told nie'that she could not possibly have an actress in hejrbouse, and I must get a new place as soon as convenient. As quickly as I could I found a new place at "No. 86 Amity-st I went to No. 86 Amity-st. about -the 18th or 17th of December, 1866. On tho 20th .oik December I had an engagement to read at Salem, if before the Ly- ceum Lecture Course, My mtBher had written-us that if I would bring on one of '.she children she would take him and take care at Mm for an indefinite period, because she feared I had too much to do with. the two children and all my other duties. So. I con-i eluded to toko the youngest child Danny to my own, home on this journey to Fialem.-'! played at the theater the night before starting' for; and waa obliged to sit up jKjjidyall night to get my- self'and child ready. 1 o'clock, in the. iiigbt MoFarland came home in a state of "beastly intoxica- tion. He past talking taen, hct toward daylight, I -was setting ready.to take the morning itiain- for roused him, and told Mm I had. been intending to take Dannv-aome, but now I thought I would take botii the ohrfdren and "leave" them -with' mother tin I eoold better, come', back and separate myseli .'fromlnin entirely, that "I cooldnot_poasibly'work as I was doingandbear hia habits any" longer.' On this he profeased 'great peni- tence, begged-me toitry him onoe more. 'Said would do better if I would give Mm this one 1 did him, :bnt I- hardly, knew. "what to do-andTfinally went oft Danny to mv. mother's. -This in Salem returning to: New-York" :the and going to the .theater the, same evening. At New.. 'Tearstime I foolishly 'allowed McFarland two weeks salary frbni'the whicthad. been lying over because the money I- had. earned at" Salem" paid the necessary board-bill, and he went again and got remained so" for two or three days. At t.nia time I made up my mind I would do some- thing. Ou Htm afternoon of January 21 wrote a long letter to MrsTCalhoun, to whom, in all of my. ac- quaintance, I had never spoken of McFarland, except incidentally, telling her some of my troubles. In (his- letter, much it cost ma terribbj jam and humiliation to-irrite, because rayhabitaof'eonoeBl-' ment were natural Jmd: difficult to glazed over some pi the worst faota; ,1 concealed the fact of his hopeless intemperance, and I aU the hnmanity and; justice -which-was in my na- ture, to speak most gently impartially at this mrEorbmate man. The following ia the exaot copy of the first confidence I ever made to this loyal friend, of my anTJfjaea and struggled i XT runLT-io jam Ilavo seated myaeS lonRlottoi; ox; teHrag you some things -wliicaXhftTe never oefore told; any one; bat wbioh, kept ana brooded over, seem to eat cot m j- heart and oonsnme my life nay DJ- I was miserably tmliappy vesterday, all toe latterpart of tlie day. Yesterday morning, after Iliad pot all ready to KOtoMra. Sinclair's, after Iliad Mused Percy" Goodi had my pttroels :in my arms ready to take them over, some little Impatient words I raid Irritated .Mr. JIoJFarland, who ia very and gajok-tom- pered.. It arose from my. askrng. Mm to lierp me oany eome of my bundlos, and Ms resenting It, and onrDotli getting a little bit angry. I dldnotsSj-liall much as I hear women every day say to their tawbands, wttbout ita being remembered on eltlier side. I lihould not have .remembered it one Instant, but hs does, and I away .without smoothing out the It -was perhaps a little pervene. bat I got to tired oJC constantly smoothing and coaxing. But all day I wae nervous, he did. not call with. Cferoy aa be liad proicdsed, imd I was very anjdoue. I could not got away la. the without stowing how uneasy I -was, so I stayed. hen. I home, I found Percy in bed, bugging o, bootwita wmob lie nad rot himself After an hour or two of agonizing -waiting, for foo-i- maps, and dreadUK to near arc only a few of tlie-fttuuJroii .01 lonrs I have spent came in, two-thirds intoxicated and very morose. I asked litm wny ne could BO spoil my day, and oanae me no muob. un- IlappiBess, and ho-angwerod tbat "I liad treated Mm oiMrnceouilT, and' be should spend toe ae ho chose. Two weeks raorntne of the Tuesday before I went to Salem to read, you got utterly dis-. couraged, and I said something, not reproachful, to ME. McFailand about my feelings. One cannot always keep -Trp. you know. There 'was no unkindnesa between us, only when I (HnV a littio in nope lie in despair- That night ne did not oorao home to dinner, and I was obliged to leave my babies, when I went to tho theater, ftwake and alone. All tho evening I was burning wiUi anarloty to got homo. Ho did not como for mo, fmdl went home alone after I got through tlie play. I found in a beastly slumber, from which I could not rouse him; ho had been drinking all day. I was to start that next morning for HaBsadmsottB, and it made me almost crazy. jNext morning ho was in sackcloth and ashes for Ms duct. He wopt, and begged me to forgive tell my father and mother, aud aworo ho would vJndicato nimBOlf before me by a different life this year. Dear, I try to write these thiHE3 coldly ana Tnccianl- cally. 1 want to do so, so aa not to bo unjust, but I muse write you.' I-.feel I must let you know something of my inner lifo, and of the struggles that no OIIQ can. see, or I shall dio. You know, my darling, when I was married I had not much experience of. lifo, or judgment of character, "WTien Hr. McFarland asked mo to marry him, I said without proper deliberation. I was not in love wich any ono else; everybody got married, I thought, aud I never questioned whether I waa sufficiently in love or not. I ilurughfi was, and did not reason. After 1 was married and began to know Mr. HcSarlajid, I found him radical to the extreme in an Ms ideas. Ho seemed to havo many heartfelt schomos of pMlauthrophy and lovely traits of character. He had beautiful theories, and he Iwlieved he acted on them, when lie did not, and -was ofton cruelly nnjust to me and my motives. Ho was madly jealous of me from th6 Jealousy which seeinod to mo to havo its root in a radical -want of confluence In -woman's vir- tue. A bachelor experience had mado him believe women were not always I think; "but to mo, who was chaste aa ice and pure as snow, if ever, women wore chaste, those things were horribU outrages. They struulc the first blow at tho tenderness I folt for him, which might have ripened into a real onectlon, I have no doubt. This "was too nrst second was' the discovery that if anything annoyed him, if I was impatient or a little croas (as I thiulc all wonion are at tuiieB, and' I know my temper ia naturally or if business cares oppressed hiiii, or a hundred otlior aunoyuuces whiuh might trouble ono, thon, as a refuge from any of these, he would drink liquor, and como homo under its lu- ilticnce. I waa bred in the Uow-England idea of tomporanoo, and this waa to me a vice inoro odious than I can speak. I had for it little compassion. When Jtr. McParlund came home thus I loathed him with trasjwiikable loath- ing and disgust. I waa living, when this first happened, In Brooklyn. I had not a single intimate friend in either citr. I had no ono to speak with from morulngtUl uiirht, and I was pregnant with irrv ftrst baby, which uiadu nio verr nervous aud easily afiectod. What I suffered that first year, God only knows; what I sulTored many hun- dred time.6 since, Ho only knows, but it is onongu to tell you. that in a year the possibility of over lovinghim was utterly extinguished. This Is an awful tiling to say, dearost. To drag out for eight or ten years on existence with, a man witoao wliolo nature overflowed with passion, wlio by turn adored and abusodyou, and who wanted., to absorb both body aud soul, and to feel nothing but a of pity. I want to do Mr. McFarland justice, ana I pity him more than I pity myself. His oonditdonand his auiterinfr are worse, perhaps. Ho had noble theories anil not strength, enough to realize them. Tho mistakes that ho maflo em- bittered aud still embitter him. He meant his lifo to bo noble, and it is a failure. I am glad andproud to say that for tlio last years ho haa ceased to bo Joaloua of nio or of my feeling toward any man. I should never be anything but a chaste woman la my relations with men, but hia fooling hue made mo rnoro than prudent, and I havo been always -mast reserved. I have never had any sentiments so warm aa friendship for other men, and my actions would bear the most Jealous scrutiny. After hia business become hopelessly entangled (tMs was tn tho third year of our he insulted on returning whero he had formerly lived. We stayed there for a tune, and came back here again. The first year after our return homo from the West, before ho took tho position in tho Provost- Marshal's office, his habits were again drcadCally bad, and ho drank in a way in which none of my friends mis- trusted it. Ho would go out evenings and spend thorn in low barrooms, and coino homo at 2 or 3 o'clock in tho .morning roeldng with liquor. Throo times ho has come home beaten and bruised, "Wlien ho is drunk, all tho food in him ia turned to evil; ho is simply and truly a ona, TTndlacipliued hi his temper in liin beat moments he has then boon dreaof ru. Sly darling, I havo'spent nours and nights In scones before wldeh tragedy grows paOc, Iluwo no words to speak of them. I havo tried and do try to do my duty. I havo the most sincere pity for this unfortunate man; my heart bleeds for him. I try, Heavuu knows, te be ua patient aa I can. With all my troubles, my lifo is not aa unhappy aa his. My heart and soul are my own ho cannot touch them, I pity him, but I do not love mm enough to lot Mm wound me to tho nulok. 1 don't know what to course to tako. I want to be advised. I have written those wild worda, iuuu- know, since writing is not my natural method of get somo of this weight off mo, and I have tried to write justly. I know I must in soino way protect myself from Mr. MoTnrlnnd's mode of any careless word upon me, I have Tmff made up my mind to-day to toll the Sinclairs that I fear tho 011- croachmenta of his habits, I dread my f uturo so much and I havo my babies te think of beside. Yesterday he drew two weeks of my salary at tlie theater and paid the week's board bill, aud I fear spend a good deal of the money, wo nocd so much, in liquor. Don't come to me after reading this; I fear I shall re- pent writing it. Yours always, Auur. P. jnst went down to breakfast and left him in bod. -ftTienl camo up ho was gone! I shall bo fioauxioua till nieht The evening after I thus wrote her. Mr. MoFarland not coming homo, I went to Mrs. Sinclair's, before going t-d the theater, and told her what great distress i waa in. She then told me she had been herself to Mr. McElrath, who was a friend of Mr. Sinclair's, and had asked him for a place for Mr. McFarlaud, in tho Cnstom-House, and ho had promised to give him ono. she added, "_if ho gets drunk iabitaally, I can't ask Mr. Sinclair to recommend him, because Mr. McElrath will not eivo a mau of such habits a place." I then implored her. to say nothing about it, he must get the place, else I should not know what t9 do with him; and she promised to say noth- ing of it, unless something more was done ou Mr, McForlaud's part. Within a lew days after the 1st of January, 1867, I found the boarding-houso at No. 86 Amity-st. for various reasons, and removed to No. 72 _AmJ.ty-st., taking tho bock parlor and extension-room for my rooms, and preparing our 'meals for myself, Percy, and Mr. MeFarland. The rooms were very comfort- able, and I rented them from a Mrs. Mason, who her- self rented half of tho.houee.. 'I-'took these rooms somewhere in the first or second week in January. I had not money to move from "Che other boarding- glace, and, on infoirnifig Mr. McFarland of the fact, e'told me he should think I would borrow it from Mrs. Calhoon, as she had-loaned'me monev and I wentto her and borrowed S25, in addition to other sums received from, her, before going to this boose at No. 72 Amity-st., At this new place, besides going' nightly to perform my part, at; the Winter Garden, iwrote during all of spare moments, being then engaged'io' write regularly for TheHmermde and the TOlumn of' The Independent, and en- deavoring to do work for other, papers; and I also .did all the .'cooking for three poisons, a large part of the washing and ironing and all the sew- mending, for my family. Consequently I __d little time anything but work. Somewhere'about the: last of January or first of February, Mir, Eiehardsoji'.eaimja..to lodge at this -honse.- He'came. there because' there-was a. good room vacant there, and .'he was obliged to move his lodgings, which were in tbVvicinity, and lie told me that he aid not' wish'to move very far, aa he expected to leave the city'artogether'yery.Boon, :He.eiDed oh came tothe see which ;-was the first time he ever, called oil me, or thai I ever saw htnvin any 'thoitigh'I had before inet him occasionally at Mrs. Sinclair's; where' he vraa a' frequent .visitor, and at 3Irs. where he had been an fnmato of her mother's family. 
                            

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