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New Mexican (Newspaper) - October 2, 2005, Santa Fe, New Mexico What and other imponderables WASHINGTON Critics sometimes complain that my columns lack intellec tual depth So today I thought I would examine fundamental epistemological questions of life in a contextual fashion by postulating alternative realities and extrapolating likely results What if Freud had been a woman Sex would not be considered the pri mary force that drives humanbehavior Instead it would be Fear of Having a Large Behind Men would be haunted by a condition known as penis The mind would not be divided into the Id the Ego and the Superego but the ShoeDesire Region the Weeping Cen ter and the IfYouDontKnowWhat YouDidWrongImNotGoingto TellYou Lobe Also sometimes a ciried apricot is just a dried apricot What if wishes were horses Then beggars would ride But so would everyone else We would each have like horses They would completely paralyze civilization consuming all vege table matter in a week or less Continents would rise several feet just from accu mulated horse poo And anytime anyone wished for no more horses another horse would appear The world would end in a terrifying thundering apocalypse of horses is what would happen What if Hitler had beaten us to the atomic bomb Humor ware keutzutage verboten und Humoristen wiirde man in der Offentlich keit erschiessen What if Shakespeare had been born in Teaneck in 1973 He would call himself Spear Daddy His rap would exhibit a profound nuanced understanding of the frailty of the human condition exploring the personality in all its bewildering complexity pretension pride vulnerability emotional treachery as well as the enduring triumph of love Spear Daddy would disappear from the charts in about six weeks What if our thoughts scrolled across our foreheads like a TV news crawl All men would be incarcerated for conspiracy fraud and public lewdness What if as originally predicted heavierthanair flight had actually been impossible Wed have rocketpropelled blimps Travel would take a little longer but the plot would have failed comically 4 What if celebrities were punished by God every time they took money to endorse a product they dont use Its happening already Consider Rafael Palmeiro who did those obnox ious ads for Viagra even though he claimed he didnt need it and hadnt used it Now hes ruined Is this finally empirical evidence for the existence of the deity It is hard to deny GENE WEINGARTEN The Washington Post What if all snowmen could walk and talk like Frosty Theyd be gone as soon as we made them You think snowmen would sit around here just to entertain kids wait ing until the first warm spell melted them No way Responding to some primitive instinct for survival theyd hoof it for Antarctica or climb Kiliman jaro The only time anyone would ever see a snowman is by climbing a tain Wed expect them to be gurus and ask them about the meaning of life But they would just say things like Me want Snowmen are idiots What if you could smell air And it smelled like That would be real bad What if the wheel had never been invented Even worse mileage for SUVs What if the Constitution required presidential candidates to cam paign wearing only a sombrero and a cummerbund The only people who would run for president would be shameless con temptible powermad egocrazed nar cissistic exhibitionists So basically this ones a wash What if dogs were as dumb as chickens but chickens were as smart as chimpanzees No one would notice the difference in dogs but wed feel a lot worse about continuing to eat all those plump deli cious chickens What if there were a doomsday Web site which if anyone logged on would instantly annihilate the world in a fiery inferno And what if the URL were published in a newspaper You know something like Log on to wwwAvash and the world will end How long would it take some irrespon sible jerk to do that Probably no more than three sec Translation of German above Humor would be illegal today and humor writers would be taken out back and shot Gene Weingartens email address is firstname.lastname@example.org Chat with him online Tuesdays at 10 MDT Trash Talk looks at the weeks tab loids so you dont have to By Bridgette Williams What made the cover Angelinas illegal adoption The National Oprah betrays Stedman Globe FOUND Prince Williams SECRET BROTHER National Examiner Couple watch Angelina is already stepping out on Brad National Examiner Goofiest headline Olsehs adopt twins The National Enquirer Celebrity scandal of the week According to Globe Its over Renee tells Kenny Youre a fraud Royal family scandal of the week FOUND Prince Williams SECRET Jasons mom was Charles lover National Exam iner Most whocares story Nick Lachey is gearing up for the possibility of a new life without Jes sica and has hatched a business plan to buy a portion of his beloved hometown baseball team the Cincinnati Reds Globe Least likely story Katie Couric looking for on the Internet Globe LEAST SHOCKING STORY Britney sells baby for million million for footage of the actual birth which will air on Britney and Kevins new reality million for a subsequent documentary about trip to hospital the birth and the first few weeks at million for the very first pictureof Britney and Kevins bundle of joy Sean Preston National Enquirer Obligatory bizarro story According to The National Enquirer Ben Affleck wants his mom or his buddy Matt Damon to film the birth of his child an idea that didnt fly with wife Jennifer Garner who wanted Ben himself to do it Said Ben Id rather stand near your If you dont allow Mom or Matt Ill have to hire a pro camera Advice corner The National Enquirer advises that Chocolate could save your life while Globe tells readers What to do about night leg National Examiner declares COFFEE is better than fruits or veggies Google Zeitgeist list Below is a summary of the Google Zeitgeist results of gainers on Google com comparing search queries that have risen by a significant percentage for the week ending Sept 26 1 Hurricane Rita Latest tropical storm hit Texas Gulf Coast hard 2 WinMX Popular if illegal file sharing site went dark on Sept 22 3 Kate Moss Tabloid photos apparently show supermodel using cocaine jeopardiz ing a contract with retailer 4 Texas map Where is Houston How long is the Gulf Coast 5 NOAA National Oceanic and Atmo spheric Administra tion oversees the National Weather Service and Hurricane Center 6 National Hurricane Center Kate Moss Meteorologists cope with media storm in the midst of Rita and Katrina 7 Weather Weatherrelated disas ters hit the United States 8 Houston Chronicle Texas paper managed to publish paper editions throughout Hurricane Rita 9 Weather Channel Popular cable channel covers Hurricanes Katrina and Rita 10 Demi Moore Celeb mags report that the film star married Ashton Kutcher after a twoyear courtship on Sept 24 Google Inc SUNDAY Enjoy it all week long The New Mexican magazine Oct 28 2005 SUNDAY 35
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