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Cedar Rapids Gazette (Newspaper) - April 29, 1974, Cedar Rapids, Iowa Former Commerce Secretary Maurice Stans and former AHy. Gen. John Mitchell faced news- men outside federal court in New York Sunday after they were acquitted of criminal con- spiracy, obstruction of justice and perjury charges. AP WircDhoto Tuck Henderson, 13, Nash- ville, sailed over a car ,and a pickup truck on his way to setting the apparent world record for bicycle jumping. Henderson flew through the air 25 feet Saturday. _ AP WireDhoto The first annual cherry blossom music festival in Richmond, Va., was cut short over the weekend when violence broke out. The outdoor concert, scheduled lo last for two days at City Stadium, was ended Saturday evening after some 150 persons were arrested, municipal police cars were overturned and burned and youthful music fans scuffled with police. At left, an angered rock fan tried to make a trampoline out of a city detective's car while being cheered on by another youth. The violence was triggered by a drug arrest by city police. At right, a fan gets arrested by a city detective. William Hoff, 16, son of Mr. and Mrs. David Hoff, Urbana, reached for the last bag of trash Saturday to be loaded into a National Guard truck for disposal. Over pounds of trash were picked up by over Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts in the area in observance of "Keep America Beautiful" day, proclaimed by the President. Wives Miss Their Mates Because They Have No One To Complain to i By Art Buchwald group of men were having lunch at a well-known restaurant in Washington the other day. Although they were in various professions, they all had one thing in common. They were away from home a great deal and their wives had said they were getting fed up with it. Amazingly enough it turned out that their wives, who did not even know each other, used the identical phrases when complaining about their lot. Those included: "All I'm doing is running a hotel." "The only time I see you is when you come homclo get clean laundry." "You weren't even here for your own daughter's birthday party." "What the heck is so important (Fill in the city where you're going.) It was at this juncture that Polyester, who works for a computer firm, sprung his plan. At this very moment there is a man in j Boston coming to Washington, D.C., and he goes to his computer and asks for an address here. He gets mine. Right? "Okay. I get to Boston and I check into my hotel. Now remember, the success of this scheme is no hanky-panky. "Let's say my surrogate wife is Mrs. Dacron. I call her and ask where when dinner BUCHWALD is being served. I show up at the house at G p.m. and before 1 even get to hang my coat in the closet, Mrs. Dacron fills me in on the day. She tells me how lousy the kids have been behav- ing, what went wrong with the garbage disposal unit, how- much she paid for eggs and how she can't manage a family on my salary. I get an earful. Box "At thjs very moment the man from Boston is at my house listening to my wife doing two hours on what it's like to run a house when the man doesn't even know where the fuse box is. "Our wives' main he said, "is that they have no one to talk to, which translates no one to bitch to. The reason we're missed is that they want someone to listen to their stories and give them moral support." We all agreed Polyester's description of our wives was ac- curate. he said excitedly, "we had a computer that could match up complaining wives with other husbands who were on the We all looked goggle-eyed. "Are you suggesting Acrilan asked. Someone TUB Talk lo "In a said Polyester, "but no hanky-panky in the bedroom. You swap wives just so they have someone to talk lo. Let me give you an illustration. I'm on my way to' Boston and I feed the computer at National Airport the arrival of my flighl and how long I'll be Ihere. I also tell the computer how many children I have, my position in the firm and salary. object of the computer would be lo malch me as closely as possible to my own situation at home. The computer gives me an address and phono number. "Mrs. Dacron is thrilled to .have someone there lo let out her frustrations on, and my wife finally has someone besides the kids lo talk to." "But what happens after someone asked. Polyester replied "I go into the living room and watch television while Mrs. Dacron does the dishes." "Don't you help her with the "No. It would ruin it for Dacron if I did something he didn't do. Then after watching TV I go to my hotel. Dacron, who presumably let my wife do the dishes while he read (he evening paper, also goes back lo his place." The Iroublo with Polyester's plan, when wo all discussed it later, is that not one of us could find a single (hing wrong with it. Copyloht 1974, [.os Anodes Times UPI Teleoholos
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