Scandia Republic (Newspaper) - April 18, 1877, Scandia, Kansas B the Interests of the Northwestern TERMS 50 pet APRIL NONSENSE A tumbled down and hurt bis Arm against a bit of B said oh I do not cry It can not do yon C A oup ol Coffee hot cant do you any A Do tor should be and ho would core the An uti with milk would quick ly make him If If only the Q the boat of bares I HU QQ to I TB upon tola bead will m iko him soon J Raid i Some Jam if spread en bread or gl v eu IB a 4 Kangaroo ia Ihls picture let him seel A keep to make some barley M A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction N Some if rolled might be a slight O An Owl him if only It Would F Some Poetry might be read to mate him Q A Quince I a or etapa B Some Rats might make him if fastened by their tall 8 A Song should now be in hopes to make him T said A Turnip might avail if sliced or cut U with water if un Ill upon a and a Violin Some some marbles and a X Some double XX ale would be the best as soon as he had Ills canvas and had his Italian organ grinder at work in front of the lashed in the hope of at a crowd previous to opening the where he in person always took what money he wended his way to the office of the Bugle where he introduced himself to and offered him a handful of free with to the show and speak of a man as you find i The invitation 1ed to a cordial inti iy between the editor of the Bugle Bias Y Some Yeast make a perfect Hero IB a box of Got my lit tle Well shut you np down I We my little master We think weve all heard quite enough of this sad nst and proprietor of the collec tion of Major Bunn had but one assistant besides the organ and the tent being it was impossible for the two to property watch the who preferred going in tho canvas to paying their way like little men at tho The conse quence was that while the assistant was busily employed upon one side of the keeping out the a assault upon the other ami undefended side frequently led the Major to desert liis post in order to stop that breach on his This left the doorway without any and many of the oldest and most respectable citizens of Clyde availed of those oc casions to visit and inspect the show without giving either money or compli was WARDS The popular impression in regard to the late Artemus Ward is that he was a reporter for the Plain dealer before he entered the show busi This is a lie was editor of a not overprosperous weekly news paper in the same called the Bugle and he first became fascinated with ideas of show life through his intercourse with who visited and greatly impressed him with their with the cool manner with which they wore in the habit of taking possession of the edi sanctum the air of condescension with which they be stowed their advertising patronage upon him at the rate of per column for four with half a column of editorial putts thrown iu gratuitously every week with their liberal dispensa tion of free above alii their reckless vise of company money for drinks and He was frequently heard tosay that he a circus agent the noblest work of The circulation of the Bugle Blunt was not and the people of though excellent had never been impressed with the importance of advertising as a means of making business they had no business to speak of to make success ind Artemus was therefore com to rely for advertising patronage principally upon patent medicine pro who made contracts by the year at ruinous paying and frequently forgetting to go through with that formality and also upon The cash system of payment for subscriptions advance was not in force country news papers the subscribers of the Bugle as a were not prompt in set tling for their and when they did they usually insisted on paying in Cord a useful com in its but it is poor material to feed a Under these it is not to be wondered at that visit of circus or of the advertisers of negro minstrel settled their respective companies for was an advent which as warmly as the flowers of May by who a dollar in money except from such transient This led him to contrast his life as tlie plod ding editor of afi week ly newspaper with the brilliant existence led by the circus and minstrel who roamed over the country at tjie ex pense of their stopping at the best hotels without paying any thing thek own and supplied with funds to spend in drinks and cigars for the benefit the lar concern which each By a logical train of this led liim that if it waq thing to be the agent of a it would be a more splendid thing to be the owner of a and he determined to become he a manof orig inal and decided to follow in no beaten but to strike out in a new and in he would be sure to win both fame and One day Clyde there was pitched off from the Cincinnati train a queer mixture of and Jook form on green ef with wings gorgeous in that when Major counts he found that his cash receipts were fearfully to the number who had enjoyed his exhibition during that Artemus went in and looked over the and at once it flashed upon him that here was the opportunity he had so long been waiting Its principal feature was a collection of wax figures of the most immoral Not that there was any tiling in the On the there was not any thing in it to offend the most Bunn proudly announced in his the figures all represented persons of the most horrible There was Diok and the sea pirate and the land pirate and Mun the and the Methodist preacher who was a terrible crime and Bur then in the Vermont State prison for repeat ed and other criminals of scarcely inferior In audition to the wax statuary i was a cage containing a happy con sisting of a two four eight and an invalid mon A unhappy family just nowi the Major parenthetically re marked to as he was showing the latter around the monkey has been plucking the chickens and there was a large glass case con a stuffed and three coons in a cage by Artemus in and upon the spot he conceived the plan that was thenceforth to give the concern a wide That after had been put out and the entrance to the tent carefully lashed Major Bunn and Artemus had a long in the course of which facts were developed that had an important bearing upon the scheme which had already taken of the fertile brain of the man destined to become known as the Great American Major over his whisky warm from the like new is a favorite beverage with many of the rural communities in be came and confessed that he had mistaken his His career had been a checkered Starting in life as a steam he had afterward entered into politics and received an ap as Indian from which e of It is a curious fact that all Indian Agents are whether they are by profession tin ministers of the Gospel or a disagreement with the Interior his tenure of office as Indian Agent was brief whereupon he entered into the business of selling patent rights for a vented This not proving remu he professed religion and made a fresh start as a FreeWill Baptist preacher and in the pur suit of this profession he acquired an air of gravity and respectability was inestimable advantage to him in his next which was that of a Then he set up a whisky saloon in a good on the profitable being Upon gaining possession of his Ward at proceeded to put in execution tlie plan which in his busy brahl had Ireen taking while Ma jqr Bunn had been relating the story of his blasted saw at tho Major had and immediately began to utilize the material which had fallen into his The village sign painter was employed to make the neces sary alterations in the huge paintings displayed in front of the and Arte mus with the assistance of the Tina took the wax figures iu In stead of insulting public opinion by pre senting for their approval wax repre sentations of notorious he de termined to appeal to the loftiest impulses by transform ing those shocking examples of crime into models of appealing to every elevated sentiment of i the human heart for In an incredibly short space of time Dick Turpin had become transmogrified into George the Father of his Country the sea Was changed to Robert the founder of the land to Benjamin Franklin Edwards to the earnest and consistent friend of the slave Parson the suspected seducer and to Henry Ward who at that time had not been found and was supposed to be piety and of Cunningham to Queen aud Bristol to the pious Schuyler Other calculated to attract the patronage of the seriously inclined were and Artemus Ward at last had practically realized his great idea of giving the American public the exhibition of moral which afterward yielded him such worldwide for a most satisfac tory But for a time alas not satisfied to let well enough sought new to and there in met his just lit when ho thought lie had achieved the if his It was at Al a meeting occurred that led to his financial As he came in oil tlie train from the and was superintending unloading of his he was surprised to sec al most at the same moment a collection of Cleveland which first promi introduced him to the notice of the American in after ex upon the merits of his moral wax he described the new at traction of nil kangaroo as nn little 11 It would do your heart to see him jump and Artemus now thought his show com plete beyond the competition of envious and that the path to unlimited wealth bjy straight before For a d and J i Death of a a powerful was Artemus with traps nearly identical in general appear anee being unloaded from an extra baggage car which just ar rived from the He looked over to the opposite and a person on the opposite platform looked over and scowled at Although Arte mus had never before seen this he at once who he was from the descriptions he had heard of It was Whisky noted as the most terrible of side hat Vanderbilt was to rival steamboat owners in the early days of his that was Whisky Hezekiah to all side who came in his The two men glowered other for a the kangaroo So delighted the effect produced upon the public by the kangaroo that he gave his boss can had two one of whom was and the other of whom to give the animal for his food that the 6f The kanga roo enjoyed in consequence of the expense entailed Tiy the enormous consumption of corn juice required to keep Whisky in a tit condition to the management of his the kangaroo and the other ani mals had necessarily been kept on very short rations in that Hut the liberality of pro The kanga roo waxed fat and lie became impatient of and finally all the time gaining in until one realizing for tho his full he broke loose from his ous tail made a vigorous and ef attack t fraudulent moral figures that wete the mainstay of the whisking the heads off George Queen and all Ihe of literally knock stuffing out of their let ting the Happy Family and linal iilly hopping off into an adjacent like a rat at every leav ing his late proprietor an utterly bank nipt and This ended Wards as the proprietor of a moral Several of the audience had been seri injured ly animal during its wild assertions of anil as these persons threatened was glad to leave the of his show for the benefit of whom it might while ho took train for where he obtained employment as city editor of he Afterward he came to this where he was with the comic paper called Vanity and finally lie went to where he became one of tho contributors to But he never ran a moral shuw after the rebel lion of Bad green and yellow upon which represented ing hitman beings clad in garments of variegated and many impossible Unknown in natural or otherwise while above a long streamer letters a foot longas follows KAJOK BUNKS GRAND OF AL AMD had come the was too poor to employ aij agent or to expend money in which proved o struck with the snow he mortgag ed his place to buy he had brought to The Major frankly acknowledged that his had been wasted life too solemn a person to make a successful and he confidentially informed his found friend that at that time the height of his ambition was to be the editor of a Bunn was just the man that Artemus had been looking and before they had parted that night a bargain had been swapped the Bugle Blast for the andon the changed posi each entering into possession of his new The afterward became highly popular as an editor his and then both on a run the town hall for a Both succeeded in getting the required docu and in the meantime each had se cretly dispatched an underling to get the only eligible lot for exhibition in Al with orders to pay in advance for the so that there no room left for doubt as to right of pos The owner of the only Jot was willing to meet rival and accepted the money from both of giving each a receipt for the the ground for the same after which he went to be out of the way of any unpleasantness which might It is necessary to draw a veil over scene which took place when Artemus and each armed with a docu ment giving him exclusive possession of the only good lot in to assert to ex The air was blue with curses from while Arte bent maintaining the moral his with a placid look of Injured innocence and a ully devout expression of countenance proceeded to lay out the ground for his tent in such a way as to occupy the middle of tlie leaving it op tional with Hezekiah to place in the or else split his tent and put one half on either side of It was evi dent would never and final ly a compromise was effected by which the two rival showmen agreed to divide the and put up their tents side by Then a conference took s How is this thing to go on PV said to replied Artemus but I intend to you till the cows come Seeing that not to be Hezekiah began to exhibit amicable proposing that they should look through each others The proposition was accepted in the spirit in which it was and in viewing show Artemus met hie fate in shape of the kangaroo that afterward became immortalized in of the show It was not a prepossessing specimen of the spe but real and the thought once struck Artemus that a moral kangaroo would bea most valua ble accessory to his moral wax A bargain virtue of as a do not pay sufficient attention to the study of There are ft great many school this country whose spelling is bad chough to bring a blilsh to a We are lions in magnificent and the worst spelling that ever dazed the eye of an or made sad havoc with the limited time of a managing Many of those com real and we desire their writers to bear in mind that we are glad to receive bad Spelling and It is to publish in we get in ungainly than it we did not receive them in any If a gentleman comes to our office with an account of an accident that occurred six miles iu the it is none of our business whether he made the journey in an QX cart or The news is what we and we arc to re it in any Our criticism on the orthography of the country cor who cases in ten a school made in the very best of good and in tho hope that it in the prove beneficial to all We have before us an other wise well communication from a liberal gentleman Who insists on spelling with a superfluous and soeks to add emphasis to the word by injecting a t into To be certain that he has made things sure he inserts an h into word where he thinks it will do the most and spells knife without a Connection he sends adrift without the second and atones for his by kindly bestowing the missing letteron in addi tion to the one considered indispensible to Not long since a who felt called upon to write a a church entertainment she had us in faultless andon sweet scented that the little girls whose parents had dressed them in spotless white His Juan Manuel and Dictator of the Argentine died lately his miles from He was born on the 3Ulh of and was consequently with in a fortnight of 84 years of The who has resided at anil Southampton for the last twentyfive was mixed with inflammation of the lungs on the 8th of after hav of the despite the careful and unremitting attention nf John who has boon his and confiden tial friend throughout the whole period of bin residence in succumbed to the attack at hour La Dona de Kosas de devoted daughter and companion of Hie from the duy previous to his and was in attendance upon her father during his lust Her Maximo left Southampton so lately as the 241 li of in tlie Mai Companys steamship for with authentic documents to his wifes the Generals which limy apart from hat from the was the deceased only but she has two 21 of whom completed his examination re cently at the School of Mines in Lon arrived in after his overthrow in Buenos boing brought over in an English under command of a member of a Southampton and at once adopted as his place of Ho oc u largo house hi Carlton for several and then removed to ihe where he re mained till his This called Street of the extent of four ho routed un iler tho late John nf SUme and on lie lias expended immense sums of finding his amusement and pleasure in its daily lias been quito infirm from gout for sumo but he might lie seen constantly about and his great est happiness seemed to bo to sit on his horse and give orders lo those employ of what may despotic command was so great that no one was allowed to speak a word ex cept by way of nf nr in answer to Kosas always paid his mid onethird than the current wages in thu had the of only en gaging them day by Each mini was paid and told whether he e required on the morrow or This singular feature of his character sprang from a determination never to be bound by any engagement but iii the result the men found them able are supposed to have had hewas not too poor the power of w the an important effect in saving Ohio to the Republicans in the last October and his friends and assert that he has reason to expect the offer of an mission for the services he rendered to the new Administration in rallying the readers of the Bugle Blast to of the Presidential candi date who counted selves generally in regular and very few changes were So strictly disciplinarian were his habits that each mans time was calculated hour by hour he and fully to carry this particularly in the mer hehad always a night specially both win ter and to ring a large der his bedchamber window every half hour throughout the It was al ways a characteristic of the deceased that he paid well for but he was rigid in seeing that the labor was Rosas from his country without any thing in shape of but a short time after his flight himself successfully the city of Buenos Ay Hosass which enabled the refugees to realize by Iho sale of his catpe about This large sum he profusely squandered during the first ten nf his residence in at which time his liberality was to whom he was brought ia In the latter years of his life the was en tirely and absolutely dependent ujton his former finance tho cx under his and the amiable family of his daughters hus For many years Rosas and the late Lord Palmerston frequently ex changed visits at the farm at Swathling aud the manor of and an extensive correspondence was carried on between the grief leaves its what be of the rest of the harness TIIK sweet breath of from her and the grass has hyacinth fhe MEN sire frequently found dead in the sewers of Cases of sewer we ladies in have become so that they pro to organize a boat JOK is working at a lathe in btr the turning in his blue glass cure Dont know put a glass patch on your trousers AN Irish painter announced in an Irish journal among other he M ion of death as large as Swallows Homeward Fly in the of a man who has sworn it is cruelly t A had a pound of sugar re turned with a note saying Too much sand use and not for building AN old hearing some ladies dis cussing the wonderful fact that a baby can say No several months before ft pan say you sac thats cause babies never if theyll lake She said to be a lady of gentle Turk Such a woman bound to pull through if she if Such discouraging lalk is calculated to make the young woman feel down in tho Yon stick Id woman us if gum years in Granny and nearly locked ami out fur a brief Soon there was a fire Soon thereafter a friend ran up to lady and said your house is on fire said the with great seren De house an Isc de key tode door in niv A writer says Miss if the Chief has tho rare faculty of being able id lalk several people at faculty ignoramus did you never hear a woman on tell the draymen how to carry tho bureau down scream instructions to the woman taking up the at buy packing the tell what to the shriek her husband into a sweat for emptying half a bushel of soot nut of tho stovepipe on the parlor nmK nl the woman across the street who going to move and was looking seven children for nine different with one and the same of tongue Kare for the dear little komo writes us A gentleman from Ko that on the which agreed to allow Heze kiah to select bis own route for the remainder of the prom ising keep out of hie and not run him opposition any and to pay his rival in in return for which reduced to Artemus became the pos sessor of the It was atthis important of his ca reer that Artemus wrote the letter to the increase in that and that skan dal is not as as From Delphi comes the cheerful intelli gence that a full experienced hunters are in search of some animal that has been debreda tions in the Lafayette comes to the front with an account of a but not or Dearly of this bad spelling to care The gentleman or lady who has brain enough to a readable article for a could very readily spell their words properly if they would give the matter There IB no that places a person spellin bear to such disadvantage as bad Our young readers B in and not be in too groat iv hurry to drop their to up Fr Logansport An Abdominal John residing in the Fifth 123 has been for many complaining of a disease that baffled medical He suffered at intervals with severe pains in the abdominal and strange sensations would at times seize feeling as if some living object were tra versing his He was positive it must be a lunge some Saturday he was taken with violent and voided a nondescript resembling party a rat arid partly a It was desti tute pf the integument resembling that of a human It was about Six inches in Hundreds of peo ple Saturday visited the and away wondering what would The several of whom visited the are unable to solve the indeed Burlington Story A Mother sends the following ac count of the way in which the little ones of her own and a neighbors family are and which will be of interest to i large number of our readers It is easy for grown people to amuse and entertain themselves and each other during the long winter even but a more difficult task for chil To be they have blind mans magic par lor similar butH a T have hit upon a has proven very felicitous in and which our children like very much Every week we have one even ing that is called Story On this evening each person present tells a made up for that or gleaned from The youngest members opens the then the next oldest and till the and if tell a since the children have been in they frequently select poems from their reading books and re cite them with appropriate emphasis and or write story and read The evening spent in this way is quite the pleasantest one of the whole and is looked forward to with anticipa live by every member ofthe two If any one chooses to sing or plaj an instrumental piece on the piano ed in lieu of a story But no is ex empt from contributing something tothe common fund of It is wonderful the improvement manifest in the ability of the in narrating events and we manage the affair in a embar and eaeb is iand way that there is no feeling even the yo as every body must take a kindly and forbearing in ready to be i all the a d pour doe nch and smith TUB who is noted as a speaker seldom a great and vice the failed as a speaker I flat no ridiculously than Oliver lew are best enough warm wa other meal and Thread the debater palatable I
